Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

best friend and bf don't get on

29 replies

redjellybean · 10/08/2013 22:56

My best friend and boyfriend had a falling out and it keeps playing on my mind.
They fell out basically because me and my bf had an argument about something (can't remember what!) and when they were chatting he mentioned this to her, insinuating that we might end up breaking up over it and he was worried. But he told her not to say anything to me as he didn't want to make things worse. Being my friend, she wanted to know if I was ok so did and asked me if I was ok. He's annoyed at her for telling me. It's been ages and I've asked him to just get over it and make up. He's not interested. She doesn't really think she has done anything wrong. I can't talk about each of the other to the other which is hard. I want my friend and bf to get on. Is this silly? Should I not care? I do. Does it really matter?

OP posts:
Ragusa · 10/08/2013 22:59

No, not silly. Why would your boyfriend be trying to co-opt your friend and swear her to secrecy. She's your friend, not his. Somehow it makes me think he is trying to control things.... I can't put my finger exactly on why. Would you say he is controlling?

Original poster
redjellybean · 10/08/2013 23:07

She just started chatting to him asking how he was, and then he said about an argument we'd had etc so he wasn't great. Think he then regretted it as he would have known that I would have been annoyed he'd told her! He didn't swear her to secrecy exactly, just asked her not to say anything, to which she agreed. I wouldn't say he is particularly controlling. It just upsets me, maybe it shouldn't.

OP posts:
Ragusa · 10/08/2013 23:13

Well, that's not so bad if it was her who raised it, then....

BUt why won't they make it up for your sake? It sounds like a pretty daft row they had? Why won't he back down?

Original poster
redjellybean · 10/08/2013 23:17

That's what upsets me, I say to him can't you just forget about it and offer an olive branch. He says no she has to apologise first etc and that he doesn't care - she's my friend not his. It's ridiculous. He's just stubborn. I've moaned more about it to him that her as it's awkward. She says she not done anything wrong and was just looking out for me. I don't think it'll resolve itself they're both being stubborn.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 10/08/2013 23:20

This is your boyfriend's fault. Your best friend's loyalty to you, which pre-dated him turning up in your life, caused her to discuss the issue with you - naturally and in accordance with the loyalty of friendship.

He's being a twat, I'm afraid.

Twinklestein · 10/08/2013 23:23

Women talk, he might as well learn that now...

MariaLuna · 10/08/2013 23:23

Well, you know this is how it will be in the future between your boyfriend and you if when you two have an argument.

He will be stubborn and not back down.

He does sound a bit controlling. Also playing the two of you (your friend and you) off against each other. What's with all the "swearing to secrecy" thing? She's your friend and has your best interests at heart.

Original poster
redjellybean · 10/08/2013 23:24

That's what I thought, I just didn't know if I was being unreasonable asking him to make up. I said, I'd have done exactly the same as she did, that's what friends do, she obviously cares about me. He just says he doesn't like her now she lied to him by saying she wouldn't mention it to me, but did. We've had a few arguments about it and now I can't really talk about her at all, which is hard as she's my best friend. Just wondered if anyone else is in same boat.

OP posts:
Original poster
redjellybean · 10/08/2013 23:26

He didn't swear her to secrecy though, just asked her not to mention anything to me.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 10/08/2013 23:29

I think he's being unreasonable. And I think I spot some red flags a'flutterin; one, you 'can't remember' what you rowed about. If it was important enough to make him worried about breaking up it must have been a biggie. Having rows for indiscernible reasons is not great. And two he seems to be trying to make your relationship with your best friend difficult therefore isolating you from her.

You sure everything else is rosy?

Original poster
redjellybean · 10/08/2013 23:35

I can't remember what it was about because it was two years ago. It's been so long, another reason why I say just forget about it. We have been arguing a bit not just about this. Everytime I say how sad it makes me, it causes another argument and he says he doesn't want to talk about her at all.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 10/08/2013 23:39

Two years!! Shock Everything is not rosy. You understand he is trying to split you and your friend up?

Original poster
redjellybean · 10/08/2013 23:43

He doesn't mention her to me like he's trying to split us up I don't think? He was fine with her before that they got on fine. But he just never talks about her or asks about her like you would a partner's friend.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 10/08/2013 23:44

And you're not allowed to mention her. Are you allowed to see her as often as you'd like, or you used to?

Original poster
redjellybean · 10/08/2013 23:48

If I mention her he just nods etc doesn't ask about her. He doesn't want me to talk about the argument between them and the only way it'll be fixed is if she apologises. I wouldn't let him to stop me seeing her, he doesn't say anything about it if I do either. He just doesn't engage in any conversation I have about her or us.

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 11/08/2013 02:34

It's ok for him not to like her.

It's not ok for him to a actively try to damage your relationship with her. Do you think he is?

In what world does she owe loyalty and secret keeping about YOU to HIM? She's YOUR best friend, you are quite rightly her main concern if there is an issue that she is concerned about.

I think he sounds like an entitled twat and it makes me wonder if there are any other red flags flapping about.

LittlePeaPod · 11/08/2013 07:36

His behaving childishly and unreasonable. He told your best friend about th argument. What did he expect? Where does he think her loyalty sits? Your best friend sounds like a true caring friend, she clearly cares about your well being. Your best friend has nothing to apologise for!

If this was my DF I would tell him straight but then again m DF knows my two closest friends would never hide anything from me.

Original poster
redjellybean · 11/08/2013 10:20

I don't think he is actively trying to damage our friendship, no. But it is just really awkward and uncomfortable. He just shuts down whenever I talk about her and doesn't really want to hear. If I bring up them making up for me, he gets annoyed and says that I know what do to (get her to apologise).

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 11/08/2013 10:31

This is NOT about an "apology"! This is about control. He is trying to force her into an apology which will place her firmly in the wrong, by her own admission and him as top dog who needs to be placated and kept happy.

Stick with the friend. I am not going to say dump though I would like to but I think his behaviour is extremely childish and I would struggle to find him at all attractive. I would tell him shortly not to be so ridiculous, there are NO apologies necessary here except from you, you obnoxious twat and that he needs to get over himself.

Don't for one second think she or you are in the wrong here it's all him and his entitled attitude that he deserves YOUR best friends loyalty more than you do.

In fact I would be questioning WHY he was confiding in her in the first place testing the waters maybe? Some friends aren't as good as yours iyswim? This excess of anger over this seems totally out of proportion to me.

Original poster
redjellybean · 11/08/2013 10:40

I dont no why, i think they were just chatting and ibv it got on to me. Thanks for the replies, you're right Sparkly, he does feel he deserves my best friends loyalty more than I do, which is ridiculous. I just don't know what to do about it. Made it worse I went to a wedding a few months ago where the groom was gushing about the bridesmaid in his soeech etc and I thought he'd never do that! Silly I know.

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 11/08/2013 10:50

But it is just really awkward and uncomfortable

The issue is he's refusing to compromise. You will eventually find yourself being the only one that compromises on everything.

misskatamari · 11/08/2013 10:51

He is behaving like an arse and your friend was obviously going to tell you as she's loyal to you. To me it seems like the main issue is that she told him that she wouldn't. I can understand him being annoyed about that. From what you say he was chatting, realised he shouldn't have said anything and then tried to minimise things. If your friend assured him she wouldn't say anything and then did - yes she has done something wrong. It's completely natural for her to do that but I can see it from his POV.

Granted he should understand why she did it - being asked not to tell you puts her in an uncomfortable position and she probably reassured him, ten actually thought about it and knew she had to tell you. He really does need to get over it, he should be able to understand she was looking out for you. How does your friend feel about the situation? If it was me I'd probably be happy to apologise for assuring him I wouldn't say anything to you and then doing so, but would make the point that it was the fact that the assurance was made that is the problem, not the action of telling you (if that makes sense). If he's an adult he should understand and accept that.

Original poster
redjellybean · 11/08/2013 10:57

Youre exactly right Misskatamari. My friend brought it up a few weeks ago saying how it was sad that he doesn't like her. I told her what he had said about he wants to you to say sorry for saying you wouldn't say anything but then doing so. She said that was ridiculous because she was only looking out for me. So I've tried to talk to them both separately about it, neither will budge. Looks like I'm stuck!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 11/08/2013 10:58

errrrm, why was he chatting about YOUR relationship difficulties to your friend??

Trying to foster intimacy between him and her. She didnt bite. He now is put out.

Id say he fancied her, and now knows her loyalty is to you, and nothing will ever happen. I tink he sounds controlling

misskatamari · 11/08/2013 11:00

It's a really tricky situation. I can understand it from both their sides. It's very sad that they both can't take a step back and both admit being a bit at fault and just chalking it up to both making a mistake and moving on.

He shouldn't have said anything to your friend. She shouldn't have told him she wouldn't tell you. I hope you manage to get them to see sense. It's such a long time to hold on to negative feelings.

Swipe left for the next trending thread