my step mother now that my lovely dad has died.

[sugar4eva]

This thread is inspired by the dear mum one.

I was looked after by my dad until I was 7 when he re married.He told my step mum that I was part of the deal.She accepted this but in reality didnt want to take on a child and i feel that she was not emotionally equipped to do so.eg She was not v nice to me and used to do things like feed me difererently to my half brother when he was born. When i went to uni i would ring up and she would say she couldnt come to the phone - i heard her telling dad tell her im washing up- ie im sure she was i just wasnt her priority.
She has always been self absorbed and is described as spoilt by people who knew her when young, but this also manifested in other issues- she was anorexic and was also had ocd type fixations ,believing the house would set on fire so she would wet furniture with a cloth ,or we had to do our shop in three sections as she thought meat could have Hiv and could cross infect if we bought it with other goods.Im not saying i didnt feel sorry for her but also it was very hard to understand as a child.She had to go into hospital or be sectoined several times. Everyone was always worried about her .She used to lie a lot or make me lie to my dad.
We never got on and my Dh and dd ds dont really like her as she has always been emotionally mean in a few ways- like she would give the dcs used coluring books from charity shops whilst having all the best for herself whilst also worrying about money.She knows she has a money fixation.
She is just very stressfull to have around.Never stops talking.

When my dad was ill she had staff in intensive care making her drinks and worried about her.Made thing s about her. Very typical pattern.
She rang my aunt who aunt who lives accross the street and said that she must take her to hospital imediately see my dad. My aunt is very ill with a life threatining condition and sudden stress is known to be dangerous to her.My aunt asked her ask me to take her or my brother as we were staying there at the time.She told my aunt that we had refused to take her!! when she had not even asked us,my aunt came round and then she got caught out as it was obvoius and true that she had not even asked us.
My aunt who is a gentle peron was so so angry my step mum knows that she cannot have shocks and she thought that my dad had died or was concerned that we has seemingly refused to take hr to see him.She rang me told me lots of stuff about how she has ill treated my dad and made him do stuff like take her out when he was just too ill to do so.,mocked him for being infirm. She has never ever spoken to me like that she was so upset and it all came out at a very difficult time.I know my dad would have his part to play in this by letting her do things like this.He was always v concerned re her illnessess and didnt know what to do.

So sadly, my darling dad died late 2012.Since then she texts me seveal times a week and pushes for dates to come to see me and family or meet.I did meet with her between my house and hers - it was horrible but i really tried.She never seemed to push to see me before and now its regular texts, and when i saw her she said" i need you",talks in a baby voice.I feel like im in a nightmare being left with this person who i have never liked and who will continue to expect things of me.She is fine when she is busy - she went to see my brother recently - when there the texts just stopped as she was getting what she wanted - now shes back off they go agan..I feel like on one hand her texts could be genuine or trying to be supportive to me, but on the other hand i just cringe when i get the texts as i feel as if it just to get inside my head and get attention.She has lots of freinds around she is always out and about .I sometimes reply to the texts sometimes i dont- i try not to be tied down by them.I admit im being evasive about dates to meet but it is taking a lot of energy to avoid her .!!

Sorry for mega post !!! Feels good to do so.Anyone else been i this position or have any thoughts ? Thankyou for reading this epic tome.!!

Wow, she sounds very hard work, to say the least. Didn't want you to go unanswered, no direct experience I'm afraid.

If she was actively mean to you when you were growing up, then it's hard to see why you should have any involvement at all. I get that she is mentally ill - and this can make people act very strangely - but there is still no excuse for her treating you so badly over a sustained period of time.

I don't really have any advice other than I don't think your actions should be driven by any sort of loyalty to your dad. I bet he would just want you to be happy. I am really sorry for your loss.

Drop her. Now is your chance. Just reduce the contact. Don't feel bad.

I mean - you had to accept her in your life, work with what you could, for your dad, and because when you were younger you had no option.

You have the option now. Make a choice for yourself now - it's ok.

Forget her.

You make your bed and reap what you sow, is that not so?
You owe her nothing.

She has her son, right? She should have thought about this when she decided you were nothing to her all those years ago.

Thankyou is so kind of you to reply. Im sad my dad wasnt happy .Dad did make me promise to look after her. I think that is part of the pattern they had going.I dont,thankfully,feel guilt re that, as i know that im doing what i can.However ,i am sort of feeling tired and defernsive as i know im giving too much emotinal energy avoiding talking to her when maybe i should just get on with it but i dont want to do that either !!If i could put it mentally on ice somehow and tollerate seeing her when i have to that wd be good.!!Thankyou also for saying sorry for my loss,it helps;he was a lovely dad and im gratefull for that and always have been.

That's so tough as even when you aren't engaging it takes up so much mental time and throws you back into thinking about the past.

She's had a huge impact on your life and personally I would go and see a counsellor to talk all that through. You can find one through googling the counselling directory.

What does your dh think?

Are you close to your brother? What does he think?

She is not your responsibility so you can block her number and disengage but look after yourself mentally at the same time.

I am keeping a relationship with my step-mother, even though my father died. We were never terribly close but my dad loved her very much indeed and they had three children together, who are my half siblings. I don't see a lot of her but she is certainly part of my family.

But that's not so helpful to the op mintyy she wants advice on how to cope, or not, with a v difficult person who she is currently in touch with. She didn't ask for an implied 'you should cause your dad loved her' which I think is dutiful nonsense.

Just sharing, in case it is of any use.

I am sure you're right about the pattern they had going - he felt his job was to look after her.

You know, I can't help thinking that the best way of remembering your dad would be to learn from his experience and not fall into the same trap of doing too much for others and not enough for yourself. I am sure that, above everything else, he would want you to be happy and free?

Unfortunately she no longer has your dad to give her the attention she craves and so yes, she is telling the truth that she " needs " you. She needs people so that she can be at the centre of their attention. I don't think you should feel duty bound to provide her with that audience. You are not your dad and you can't give her what he did in terms of putting all her needs first, nor should you try.

Ps i dont want to drop her out of spite im not suggesting anyone is saying i should do that - its just crosed my mind to think that thro - its simply that i really dont like her
.Its now extra uncomforatle to be in same room- before i tolorated due to dad and so i was getting something good, now i think why am i with a person i really dont like - you dont do this in life normally do you ?? .She hugs me ,hangs on to me aaaahhhhh."When can i see you i need to have something each month to look forward to ."..etc.if someone else said that last thing id think fair enought ,good stratagy with coping with the loss even,but ....!!!!!not in this instance.
I dont know how to drop someone .....gradual do you mean?? .Ive got to try to remember that im doing quite well .was taught to look after her,worry about her,like she was the child of the family- im remembering not to go there- but shes putting up a fight to try to get me to play her game which she may not even have the insight to know she is playing as it may be subconcoius .I keep getting kisses sent to my phone.!!
.I do know ,and what my aunt said ,is that she is very good at getting her needs met, and i know that if its not me it will be somone else, and in reality she doesn t really mind who meets her needs so long as they are met- so i think i will just have to do a very poor job of it and then she may turn to soemone who is percieved as better at doing it.!!!
The trouble is when she rings or i se her its -- i need you - what doe s a person actually say in response to that ??? I just couldnt say well you didnt befor did you- i just feel stun gunned when she says it . I wish it wouldnt prey on my mind- funny that i do feel a bit like im the prey .Thankyou all its so good to let this out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Strange - my DH word s are i cant abide her-!! she used to do odd stuff to him too like give him distinctly little portions of food.We used to have to take extra for him.She would get stressed if asked for more and it wasnt worth it and it would upset others so he just had a crunch bar later that we brought.Again it was part of he illness i guess.Brother says do what you can and no more - he applies same principle - he s fab.

Ragusa and Katisha- you both seem to be saying similar things .When i read what you put i felt lighter- i did think my dad had a huge sense of family and doing "whats right" and he would want me to look after her which has been a struggle,as i would want to do right by HIM - but what you have both said as really made me think and that i may owe it to myself not to repeat that pattern. -( even tho may dad may not have understood this or wanted it.)

ps Signing off now folks zzzzzz time.Just wanted to say thanks again.

sugar, it seems that you have very good insight into what's going on here, and I feel you're very close to finding a way of dealing with it. The sad truth is, it's not you your step-mum needs, it's attention, as has been said up thread - when she gets it from elsewhere, and certainly if she were to meet another man, you'll be dropped. So I wouldn't feel guilty about looking after yourself and your family first and foremost here. Can you think of a standard reply to have ready for when she says 'I neeed you', or any other things she says that floor you? When she says 'when can I come and see you again' can you say 'leave it with me, I'll let you know' ? So sorry you're having to deal with this as well as losing your dad - and all the difficult times during his illness to boot.

Walk across the sand - just saw your post - thankyou - when you said - "sadly its not you she wants" - i felt mostly un sad-ha .! in that its true -,and in a way that makes me feel better as it allows me off the hook and its not" sadly" its phew !!ie if its just attention she wants and not really me -then that suits me - in fact yay.
The stock answers sound really helpful.I guess i dont really mix with people who behave like this, and im genuinely stunned and dont know what to say.Im going to try to find a "I need you " one - which i know will be tough but that the one i find so so dificult.Thanks also for the bit were you put " I neeeeed you " in your post- it was exactly right and made me guffaww !! Humour goes a long way in life i find.

I have cut all ties with the woman my recently deceased Father married for various reasons that I won't mention here but if you ever want to PM me Sugar I'd be happy to talk off thread.

ps - Walk - she also keeps saying " i love You" - again will try to think reply /reaction - seems terribily rude not to reply in kind - so some work to do.
Thankyou !

Thanks Mignonette- thats really good of you.Going away day after tomorow and dd has a show tomorrow so it may be when we are back......

As a 7 year old you had no say in the matter when your dad brought her into your life. As the adult it was in her power to form a wonderful bond.

Now as an adult with your own family you can choose whether to stay in touch! Go no contact, or maintain regular contact, or opt for a middle path: stick to pleasantries if you bump into each other or just a Christmas card.

In Mintyy's case I imagine there was some earlier affection or at least an amiable state of indifference.

Very simply, your immediate family "need" you more.

Your strongest link to your stepmother was your father. Unless you and your half-brother are close, I would limit communication to whenever you feel so inclined.

If it helps you to it down contact remember you needed her when you were a child/teenager/young adult and (emotionally) she wasn't there for you at all.

I would respond to "I neeeeed you" with something approaching an affectionate whatareyoulike chuckle and a phrase like "don't be so silly" or "no, you don't my child/pet needs me!" in a friendly jolly hockey sticks kind of way but I'm sure that's only one approach.

My love. Your father stood by and allowed her to be utterly foul to you AND your DH.

Him TELLING you to take care of her sticks in my craw! Where was HE telling this woman to look out for YOU?

He's gone, but STILL enabling her manipulation of you.

You really DO need to leave her to it. She's not alone, she has her DS, so let him be golden balls. Focus on who really IS important; those that stood by you - your family.

I'd call her out on every little thing.

Don't be ridiculous would be said on a flipping loop.

I'd remind her of every shitty thing she'd ever done and said, THEN i'd give her 10p to call someone who gave a crap.

I think that you need to limit your contact with this woman so that it is at a manageable level. Like it or not, she was a big part of your Dad's life, and I think if you cut her off altogether, you will end up feeling guilty and maybe lose touch with your half-brother also (don't know if this would bother you?)
She is never going to get any easier to deal with, and demanding people like this can suck all the energy out of you. I would suggest that you come up with a plan for dealing with her and stick to it with your DH's support. You need to decide on how much contact you can stand, and set some rigid boundaries. You might decide, for instance, that you can cope with a 10 minute phone call once a week plus a visit of 1 hour every 6 weeks (or whatever you decide is appropriate). Give her this much of your time and attention and no more. She will have to accept that this is all you are prepared to give and look for attention elsewhere.
My Mum had to do this with a very needy friend who used to take up hours of every day for her. We put a timer by the phone and whenever the friend rang, Mum said "I can only give you x minutes today, as I'm very busy/about to go out (or whatever)". When the time was up, she simply said "Well, I'll have to go now, speak to you soon" and ended the call. Easier said than done, but it does put you back in control. Make sure you can see caller number on your phone so that if she calls repeatedly you can just let it go to answerphone.
I would try to ignore her stock phrases like "I need you" and if she pushes it, perhaps just give her a very straight answer - "I'm staying in touch with you for my Dad's sake, but we were never very close so please don't try to make out that it is any different. I'm sorry that you feel lonely (or whatever her current complaint is) and I will do what I can to help, but my own family is my priority now."
Good luck, stay strong, and remember that you owe her nothing. You are doing this because you are a nice person, nothing more.

Now is your opportunity to cut her out of your life; you do not need such a poisonous emotional vampire in it and neither does your own family unit.

Your late father acted as her enabler; narcissistic women always but always need a willing enabler to help them and she found such a figure in your Dad. He I would, argue failed to protect you from the excesses of her behaviours and himself acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. Now that narc supply is no longer there she is turning to you to fulfil that role instead. Again your late dad enabled her by making you promise to look after her, it was very weak of him to do that to you.

She sounds narcissistic to me in terms of personality; it is NOT your fault she is the way she is (her own birth family did that lot of damage to her, do you have any idea what her own childhood was like as that can often give clues).