my step mother now that my lovely dad has died.

[sugar4eva]

This thread is inspired by the dear mum one.

I was looked after by my dad until I was 7 when he re married.He told my step mum that I was part of the deal.She accepted this but in reality didnt want to take on a child and i feel that she was not emotionally equipped to do so.eg She was not v nice to me and used to do things like feed me difererently to my half brother when he was born. When i went to uni i would ring up and she would say she couldnt come to the phone - i heard her telling dad tell her im washing up- ie im sure she was i just wasnt her priority.
She has always been self absorbed and is described as spoilt by people who knew her when young, but this also manifested in other issues- she was anorexic and was also had ocd type fixations ,believing the house would set on fire so she would wet furniture with a cloth ,or we had to do our shop in three sections as she thought meat could have Hiv and could cross infect if we bought it with other goods.Im not saying i didnt feel sorry for her but also it was very hard to understand as a child.She had to go into hospital or be sectoined several times. Everyone was always worried about her .She used to lie a lot or make me lie to my dad.
We never got on and my Dh and dd ds dont really like her as she has always been emotionally mean in a few ways- like she would give the dcs used coluring books from charity shops whilst having all the best for herself whilst also worrying about money.She knows she has a money fixation.
She is just very stressfull to have around.Never stops talking.

When my dad was ill she had staff in intensive care making her drinks and worried about her.Made thing s about her. Very typical pattern.
She rang my aunt who aunt who lives accross the street and said that she must take her to hospital imediately see my dad. My aunt is very ill with a life threatining condition and sudden stress is known to be dangerous to her.My aunt asked her ask me to take her or my brother as we were staying there at the time.She told my aunt that we had refused to take her!! when she had not even asked us,my aunt came round and then she got caught out as it was obvoius and true that she had not even asked us.
My aunt who is a gentle peron was so so angry my step mum knows that she cannot have shocks and she thought that my dad had died or was concerned that we has seemingly refused to take hr to see him.She rang me told me lots of stuff about how she has ill treated my dad and made him do stuff like take her out when he was just too ill to do so.,mocked him for being infirm. She has never ever spoken to me like that she was so upset and it all came out at a very difficult time.I know my dad would have his part to play in this by letting her do things like this.He was always v concerned re her illnessess and didnt know what to do.

So sadly, my darling dad died late 2012.Since then she texts me seveal times a week and pushes for dates to come to see me and family or meet.I did meet with her between my house and hers - it was horrible but i really tried.She never seemed to push to see me before and now its regular texts, and when i saw her she said" i need you",talks in a baby voice.I feel like im in a nightmare being left with this person who i have never liked and who will continue to expect things of me.She is fine when she is busy - she went to see my brother recently - when there the texts just stopped as she was getting what she wanted - now shes back off they go agan..I feel like on one hand her texts could be genuine or trying to be supportive to me, but on the other hand i just cringe when i get the texts as i feel as if it just to get inside my head and get attention.She has lots of freinds around she is always out and about .I sometimes reply to the texts sometimes i dont- i try not to be tied down by them.I admit im being evasive about dates to meet but it is taking a lot of energy to avoid her .!!

Sorry for mega post !!! Feels good to do so.Anyone else been i this position or have any thoughts ? Thankyou for reading this epic tome.!!

She sounds awful & I think that I wouldn't bother with her tbh.

I assume her son was also asked to look after her?

Thankyou all so much for your replies - have been feeling really worried about this and its been quite draining , it is so helpful to be able to look at things from different perspectives and neutral ones !! A good start -to be able to see why i feel odd with her - and realise its quite normal to feel that way around her
.I realise that if things get upsetting for her that she wont possibly have the insight to see her role or responsibility in this - for eg if i said well lets keep in touch but we are not that close etc- she would make it all about her and would have legion of people round to see her.- btw How does she do that? and sayshe cant cope etc.- so i will need to be firm and ready for this possibilioty.
The other route of course is she will give in and get attention from were its easiest to get.She has been sending my brother gifts but not us so i guess it may be him!.Hes a lovely guy and i do want to keep in touch with him - he was pleased to leave home quite early - when he went to uni it was a huge releif to him to realise hey this isnt normal at home - especially when he went to uni on first day and she came to see him again the very next day much to his embarasment and it wasnt a round the corner trip..Hes really sorting things out and hes a great brother and we talk about lots tho i do take care not to insult her a she is his mother.!!

Attila and ddidl- no my brother was not asked that too.The reason being i guess is that he didnt visit exept for every cple of years or so as he didnt feel comfortable visisting whereas i put up with it to see my dad an d for my dc s to see him as they had such fun with him. the pay off was worth it.I was seen as the stong one on the household - i was the little grown up - i used to get asked shoukd they spilt up etc She was always a centre of anxiety when she would not eat etc and even of late she used to say - i dont feel hungry and you could bottle the tension.From dads pont of view i was stong and capable and she was not i guess.

Her own background, as far as i know, was that she was percieved as quite spolit.She was bought a buisness and i feel it was strange when i gave birth and asked her to get some milk for us as we had ran out she charged me for it rather that just buy it fr the mothe rof your grnadchild- it s nly milk. - very odd lack generosity at such a time -but many more instances.
The kind side of me knows that she must have some damage somewere - why else would a person be like that - i am determined not to repilicate stuff but i do get anxiety at times .-but all her family seemed lovely to me - i know as i used to spend most weekends with them so she had time wih dad and i really enjoyed it.One thing i found odd tho - her mother always refused to choose a pudding before her at christmas and then when my step mum chose she always- without fail- chose the same one.i remember thinking - odd.

Hi sugar
My situation is slightly different in that it is my mum that has changed her tactics since we became adults. Not sure if it's because we no longer depend on her for anything (and she can therefore no longer manipulate us) but now I get the "I love you" and kisses sent by phone. It makes me cringe and I am very uncomfortable with it.

I don't enjoy her company (it doesn't take long for the bitchiness to resume) but felt too guilty to go NC. So I only take her calls when I feel emotionally strong enough and she gets 1 courtesy visit a month. This allows her to boast to her friends how great a mum she is and I can get on with my life guilt free. I ignore any needy requests or emotional blackmail attempts and keep phone calls brief. Neither me nor my DB went to the hospital after her last suicide attempt and that seems to have stopped that behaviour (she rang at 3 am crying: I told her to call the ambulance and hung up.)

I am not nasty in RL but I realised that the more I did for her the more she wanted, with no consideration for my feelings or my dc. In fact I've found that the tougher I am with her calling her out on her EA the more she respects me

It must be difficult for you to pull away from someone especially as your df asked you to support her but you must balance your needs with hers...believe me she will be fine!

I would distance yourself, no need to be nasty.

If it helps you, there have been recent links between autisim and anorexia in females. May help you understand the fixations and emotional coldness of your Dads wife.

Shame on posters, you can't speak ill of the dead.

As for your Step Mother, find out what mental illness she has and learn how to deal with her. In essence don't take it personally, she is who she is, she cant hurt you now.
Also distance yourself, don't chase her up, let her find another victim.

Reading between the lines of what you say ( 'he didnt feel comfortable visiting whereas i put up with it to see my dad') I guess your brother wasn't as close to dad as you were , even though he was his dad too?

Can't speak ill of the dead is a ridiculous sentiment. Lots of dead people have been horrible, vile wastes of space. I'm not saying any of those words apply to the OP's father but it's a silly "rule".

While I'm sure she has some mental illness I don't think all of it can be put down to that. I've never heard of a mental illness that is so specific that one person would be singled out to have tiny portions every time. People with mental illness are just as capable of being nasty as the rest of us.

You didn't ask for this woman to be brought into your life don't feel guilty about distancing yourself.

I find if you have to be reminded not to speak ill of the dead, it's because it's the truth that's being spoken.

There is no 'ill' here, just that he stood by and let his new wife treat his DD like crap.

And somehow he's managing to perpetuate the situation even though he's no longer with us.

Dunno about ill, from here it looks pretty sick tbh.

Good god just ditch her!

You owe her nothing. Even ignoring the fact she is clearly quite deranged she sounds horrible.

It was very, very unfair of your father to expose you to this woman in the first place and completely out of order for him to extract that promise to 'take care' of her once he was gone. I know you obviously loved him very much but he was very wrong to do that, and, as a result, you have no obligation to do so whatsoever.

This woman is an emotional vampire and you are not responsible for her in any way. As someone else upthread said, you reap what you sow and she never bothered to sow a decent relationship with you so tough luck to her now. If you can't cut her off completely (which would be my chosen course of action) just don't respond much to her calls/texts. Get caller display on your phone so you know when she calls and ignore her as much as possible. Then just keep making excuses when she wants to meet up. If none of this works just tell her the truth, she sounds truly horrible.

She sounds very similar in many ways to my aunt - wife to my late uncle and stepmother to three now grown DCs.

I feel so sorry for my cousins, they suffered the very traumatic death of their father ( I won't go into the details but it was very hard for all concerned) and like you they were asked to keep a woman in their life that had not treated them consistently well in their life.

It was not right of your father to ask you to take care of this woman and he should not have done it. It is not your responsibility to take care of her and certainly not your aunts.

I would gradually phase back your contact to a level that you do feel comfortable with - I suspect no contact would make you feel guilty - but engage no further. Mentally detach, do not wonder what covert message is hidden in her texts, it does not matter.

Hopefully she will gradually get the message and latch on to someone else who is more responsive.

You don't owe her anything.

Walk- i think that my brother really loved my dad but wasnt as close perhaps.I think that he maybe learnt to protect himself earlier than i did ie not going ,having firm boundaries re times he visited etc
.I think that he has a hard time as i was off at uni and he was by himself for a few years goodness knows what went on- he has realised it just wasnt normal and is in therpay - good for him - hes fab. At least i had 7 peaceful firstyears - he didnt get that so perhaps he was wise to act as he did and protect himself.By that time for me the bond was formed with my dad so for me the pay off at going was worth it .I do know on the basis of his childhood he has been influenced not tohave dc.He is wonderful to my dc.
..I dads was an unhappy marriage and that my dad couldnt admit that just refused to go there as he would see himself as failure and his request was part of that whole set up.I think he was desperate to make the marriage work and that his self esteem may have been quite low in some ways.
I think thats why he said to look after her as it was part of their pattern and he was settled into that way of thinking it must have ben very entrenched- but i dont have to be

.I just need to sort out what to do- and deal with being angry - which has been bothering me - at feeling left with this person- but im comming to think ,with these discussions ,that i may not have to be stuck, or if a am to be involved out of a sense of obligation,more on my terms and stop exhausting myself giving my energy away to her.

You have to make a stand and not be manipulated by her.
This can happen in 'normal' families with ageing rellies, they can become more and more dependent and demanding as they become frailer and confused. For your own sake you have to make a stand and put a limit on what you will do for them. That's life.
So, OP, make it clear where you want to draw the line.

The original - you hit the nail on the head when you said do not try to analyse her texts - i find ive been doing that - as suspect she trying to get in my head- i will simply do what you said disregard - phew that will save some emotional energy !!. i will also work out some stock phrases to her" I neeeed you "too.

Gosh sugar that does sound so similar to my uncle.

Apparently he said that he would do and agree to anything as he did not want a second marriage breakdown. My parents painted my aunt always as the bad guy and refused to see that he was the one making the choice to stay and agree to spend money on x y and z, staying in 5 star luxury hotels whilst not funding his own children through university.

You sound like you have your head screwed on but as you are a decent person you want to do the right thing by everyone. You are entitled to feel a bit angry - you are not responsible for looking after her and I repeat again it was wrong of your father to ask.

You are doing nothing wrong by backing away. I wouldn't bother with a confrontation, it won't achieve anything. Drop it down to birthday cards and christmas cards, forget the meet ups until/if you feel you can handle it without it getting you down. She has lots of new friends you said - let them look after her if she isn't well.

Why don't you tell your step mum that you realised that you haven't had the chance to grieve for your father in the context of him being simply your dad, and not her husband. To that end you would like her to give you some space and some time to mourn your father in your own way. Suggest a set period of say 3 months with no contact.

This is a simple and honest request which few people could refuse. I would also give her a new mobile number, maybe your husbands(?) to contact you on in future so she can't bombard you with messages.

Give yourself some breathing space, lighten your load and then make the decision as to whether she has any place in your life going forward.

Remember there's not a right and wrong answer to this, so don't beat yourself up over the decision you make, whatever it may be.

Take care.

ShedWood

I think however, if this was suggested to OPs stepmother such a boundary set by OP would be ignored and more than that, completely disregarded. OP is dealing with a woman who is inherently unreasonable and is not above making any situation all about her.

Perhaps a case where you have contact only for some occasions would work here - a meal for her birthdays, a visit near christmas, that sort of thing. Perhaps agree on you phoning her once a month for a chat, as a trade for the frequent texts? Encourage her to try internetdating at some point perhaps - she's probably lonely and don't know how to be on her own, and I'm sure a nice man out there would put up with her unusual behaviour, like your dad did :)

Thankyou all for your replies - it has really helped me to think about my boundaries ,and how to set them and not to waste energy between any visits we do make.The work starts here!!