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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know he's using dating websites and talking to other women. How do I end it?

46 replies

Tortoise · 10/08/2013 19:09

Been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We don't live together or have any dc together.
About a year ago I found out he was sending and receiving dirty messages from a woman on FB and was still actively registered in POF.

We sorted things out, he closed POF account.

About a month ago I got suspicious as contact with him got less and less so I checked his emails.

He is on lots of dating sites Sad . Most he can't even read the messages as not full member. One site I managed to get on his profile and have been reading his messages.

He has messaged quite a few people saying he'd like to get to know them. A few have replied, he gave one his Mobile number. Sad Angry

None of the messages I've seen are of a sexual nature just getting to know them type chatting.

But to me this is cheating and I don't want to be with him anymore. I've hardly heard from him in the last 2 weeks anyway.

So what's the best way to end it? To me, he doesn't deserve more than a text! As it's the holidays I don't really get time where I could phone him and I'm not sure I want to talk to him right now.

Also how do I tell my DC? They are 16, 13, 10 and 9. They know him quite well as he has been round here quite often and his 6 yr old DS who lives with him.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 10/08/2013 19:13

Hi Mr Cheat, Dont darken my door again, goodbye.

I gues just be honest with the children, you found out he was seeing other ladies and so you have decided to call it a day

Sorry to hear your going through this

Original poster
Tortoise · 10/08/2013 19:18

I like that lol.
It will be difficult as we live in the same town and my youngest two and his dad are at school together so he will be there everyday on the school run.
At least have a couple of weeks to get over it!

OP posts:
Greenkit · 10/08/2013 19:35

He has cheated before and he is doing it again, just tell him its over and not to call/visit again.

Your children will understand if you tell them the truth.

If you see him around, just walk off, with your head held high

Original poster
Tortoise · 10/08/2013 19:56

I would have liked to have stayed friends though although I know that wouldn't be easy.
Forgot to add that he owes me around £200! Do I write that off or hope he gives me some back? I know he doesn't have much money (do any of us!)

OP posts:
Beerocl0ck · 10/08/2013 19:58

Oh dear, I wouldn't even waste your energy wondering how to end it.

The end, good bye.

It's no loss. I don't know what to suggest about the £200. Maybe try and get some of it back and then dump him?? if you think you have ANY chance of getting it back.

Original poster
Tortoise · 10/08/2013 21:57

I can't see me getting any back any time soon.
Why do men do this? Sad

OP posts:
gemma1787 · 11/08/2013 08:05

Hi,
I am in the very same position, I posted about it yesterday. I found out that my OH of 10 years is on lots of dating sites but he has been sending dirty messages and has met up with a few of them and booked hotels.
We have a DD together who is 15 months but I am planning to leave him as soon as family get back from holiday (so I have somewhere to stay) it is killing me not to say anything yet, as I feel sick just seein his face.
I have printed off all the messages and I plan to confront him face to face so that he can't deny it. Make sure you get copies of all the messages.

HollaAtMeBaby · 11/08/2013 08:20

Don't let him know that you know what he's up to. Get the £200 back as soon as he's back from holiday by telling him you need the money urgently for a school trip deposit or to repair the washing machine or something. Then dump him. If you want to be more creative than a text message, sign up to all the sites you've found him on and send him a "you're dumped" message on each one. Grin

Original poster
Tortoise · 11/08/2013 08:41

Sorry to hear that Gemma x. I'm not worried about proof. We don't live together or anything so it doesn't matter if he denies it, I've had enough.

Holla There's no way he will have the money especially after his holiday. He knows already that I need to find a lot of money to pay for my DS1s college bus pass.
I like the 'your dumped message' on dating sites but I really don't want profiles all over the place.

OP posts:
Amiee · 11/08/2013 08:48

Why even mention it. It's not like there could be an innocent explanation just say 'Im not that into you anymore'.
Or you could tell him you met someone else on a dating site. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's hurt you.

Original poster
Tortoise · 11/08/2013 08:55

Thanks for replying.
I think I want him to know that I know what he's up to.
I'm going to do it this morning I think.

OP posts:
Mosman · 11/08/2013 09:02

Good luck, oh and don't lend money to anyone no good ever comes of it ever.

Original poster
Tortoise · 11/08/2013 09:07

Thanks. It's been bits here and there that have added up. I'm not going to worry about it but hope I get some back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tortoise · 11/08/2013 09:11

Text sent. Sad

OP posts:
Hissy · 11/08/2013 10:01

Well done!

This is crap, but sticking up with it would be more soul destroying in thé long term.

Your DC need to know that this is unacceptable in a relationship too.

Original poster
Tortoise · 11/08/2013 10:07

Well, he hasn't even replied to my text! I did put on the end 'don't phone me'. I really don't want to talk to him right now but thought might get a text back!

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 11/08/2013 10:12

Do you want a text back?

Isn't it better to say "I'm done with you, you cheating arse, never contact me again" and have that respected so you can just move on than to have the text pleadings and meaningless I love you I'm so sorrys, that you know are coming from someone who is only sorry you found out they're a wankstain?

cozietoesie · 11/08/2013 10:12

You really don't need a text back. Keep it clean.

And well done for being so decisive.

Original poster
Tortoise · 11/08/2013 10:14

I don't know tbh. Maybe at least wanted him to acknowledge my text. And I wanted a chance to mention the owed money. Oh well, its done. I can get on with my life as a single woman again.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 11/08/2013 10:16

Can you block his number so you won't know if you do get a text back?

And Gemma I really wish you strength. What an arsehole :(

Original poster
Tortoise · 11/08/2013 10:18

I don't know if I can block it. Not worried about it at the moment. Bound to see him locally anyway.

OP posts:
ChippingInHopHopHop · 11/08/2013 10:21

I'm sorry you are going through this :(

But...Well done!!

Maybe he hasn't seen the text yet, or is trying to decide how he can lie to you 'win you around'? A confirmation that he received the text would be nice, so you know, but not hugely important.

I would tell the kids the (almost) truth too, that he was seeing other women and that isn't something anyone should put up with. That when they see him they can still say hello and that of course they must still be nice to his 6 year old as it isn't his fault and he's only little.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 11/08/2013 10:22

I wouldn't block him number, I'd want to see his texts.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 11/08/2013 10:22

If I were you, I'd also get tested as well, god knows what he's been up to, with who :(

cozietoesie · 11/08/2013 10:25

Myself, I'd tell the kids very little just in case they start saying things to the 6 year old. I's just keep it to ' we decided not to see each other any more'. I really doubt you'll get many questions about it from them.

Hope you get some of your money back. There may not be a big chance but I think that there is at least some chance.