Should I ask for my grandmother's ring or forget about it?

[javotte]

My parents are divorcing at the moment and things are quite nasty.
About 20 years ago my paternal grandmother gave my mother a ring. They had a strained relationship. I clearly remember my mother saying how ugly the ring was as soon as my grandmother had left the room, and she never wore it.
My grandmother died last year. Her jewellery went to her two daughters and I have nothing from her. I am afraid that my mother will sell the ring / throw it away to spite my father, or possibly give it to one of the various women she calls "the daughter I never had". (yes, there is a lot of backstory here)
I cannot think of a way to tell her I would like the ring without creating a huge scene. Would it be better if I forgot about it? Shall I wait for a couple of years until she has moved on from the divorce?

What's your motivation for wanting the ring?

It sounds to me as tho you were close to the paternal grandmother and so would like the ring for a keepsake. I'd ask your mother if I were you and explain that you cared about the woman and would like her ring to remind you of her. Since your mother may be having a clear out of that side of the family she may give it to you...x

I would like to wear it. It would remind me of my grandmother. It was chucked in my mother's jewellery box 20 years ago and hasn't been worn since.

X-post,something2say
I don't know how to broach the subject. I am afraid she will interpret it as "being on my father's side" in the divorce.

You won't know unless you ask, don't make a big deal just ask if she still has it and if so may you have it.

Hmm...I think you'd have to word it carefully. Is your mother a little...difficult?

Yes, "difficult" may be a way to word it.

In that case, have a think about what her reaction might be and whether it's worth inviting that, IYSWIM. If you think you could manage having her rant and rave (or do her usual "difficult" stuff) and it wouldn't really bother you then I'd say go ahead and ask. But if you think the situation is too volatile at the moment and her reaction might upset you then tread more carefully. Regardless of the fact that you're an adult the situation with your parents must be upsetting and what I would worry is asking about this might open a can of worms that'll make you feel a lot worse.

She has been sulking for a week because I asked my father to go to the swimming pool with us.
One of my siblings has chosen to cut her off.

I know I should wait. I'd happily wait for a couple of decades if I knew I was going to have it in the end, so that my daughters could wear it too. But I don't know what she is planning to do with it.

Tough one. I'd say take the plunge then and ask. You never know, she might hand it over although I'm guessing that pigs might also fly...?

Maybe

I understand that you don't want this ring DM, but she was my GM and I would really like to keep the ring.

Did DM have a bad time with her MIL? Or is it purely bitterness over the marriage and divorce? I'm not trying to pry but it could make a difference as to DM's feelings re the ring.

My grandmother was a very religious, traditional woman. Apparently she said things about my being born out of wedlock that my mother never forgave. My mother, in return, spent 30 years badmouthing her to my brothers and me. But she threw a massive tantrum when my father told her he didn't want her at his mother's funeral.

I think you have to at least ask if she still has it and make clear that you would like it one day. Otherwise, days could stretch into years of trepidation and in the meantime, she might sell it or give it to someone - in which case, you'd feel awful for never having mentioned it.

Doesn't mean you'll get it of course.

OK I am not telling you to do this.

But, hypothetically, if someone were to take a ring out of your mother's jewelry box would she notice?

I would definitely ask for it. She might be a total cow about it, but you are prepared for that and you would regret it if you didn't and she got rid of it.

If you don't ask it may be to late.

I think you need to phrase it as though you are doing her a favour.

I think you need to sell it to her as taking it off her hands. It sounds like she's going to react rather theatrically to anything to do with her ex in-laws, which you can rightly point out as unfair, since she and your father might be divorcing, but you're a grown woman, not a child and you're not divorcing him. He's still your dad and you refuse to take sides as much as you refuse to take any shit about it.

Haha saash I thought that too.

Specially if its been there years too!!

Of course you're not, sashh. But that would mean that the ring was 'contaminated' with bad feelings for whomsoever took it, surely?

OP - I think you're best off just forgetting about it and hoping that wherever it lands up, the ring eventually has an owner who values it. Are there photos of your grandmother around which you could maybe copy instead?

Me too saash .

Is your mum vindictive enough to refuse to give it to you though just because you want it? Would hard cash help?

What if you asked her for first refusal to buy it, if she decides to sell it? She might rather have the money tha a ring

Could you offer to buy it from her?

X-Post with seabright - sorry.

I like the first refusal to buy it idea, personally