Should he have come home?

[SpottyPony]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I have written this several times and not had the courage to post as I am feeling very down and sensitive but could use some intelligent insight, the sort that I have come to admire on MN.

The situation is that DH is working away abroad, has been for the last 7 weeks and not due to leave for another fortnight. On Wednesday our DS (6mo) fell ill and was referred to hospital from the doctors. He was admitted and fitted with an IV drip for fluids as he was dehydrated from severe D&V which later transpired to be gastroenteritis. Very listless and crying in pain, I was hugely worried about him. I don't live in the UK and have no family around for support. I called the relevant numbers to inform his seniors what was happening and to let DH know too. I received a phonecall to say DH has been informed and is being offered a flight back the next day to be home and support us and to hold out for further information. I did feel bad for interfering with his work commitments but needed support, and also out of respect for him as a parent and thought he should be there with us.

He refused the flight. A friend even offered him his flight and told him he would fly out another date and that DH should be at home with us. He said he "didn't want to" and that he had "things to do". Their main purpose of being out there has now ended and is merely tying up loose ends and preparing to return home. He asked about DS once during his first day in hospital, the second day I heard nothing and had to contact him to inform him of progress. I have now not heard from him since my last contact to him, we have been discharged today as DS is a lot better. DH's last communication with me was to inform me I was being a nag, to leave him alone as he was busy and has since deleted himself from the apps that we kept in contact with and I am unable to get through to his phone when I call. I should mention that where he is has a good nightlife and he has been out several times since getting there, so it appears he is having too good a time to come back and support his family.

AIBU for thinking his main priority should have been to get home to his poorly son and to support me too? I don't know whether I'm sounding whingey and needy. There is a backstory so as not to dripfeed - DH has been at home for just 5 weeks of DS's life as he's been away with work so frequently, but when home he doesn't interact with him unless forced, ignores him during the night (has gotten up once during the night and that's when I literally begged him and he did so with very bad temper) and will leave him in dirty nappies if I'm not there as he "didn't realise he needed changing". He has several younger siblings and has been around babies a lot. He says as I'm on maternity leave, it's my job to do everything associated with looking after a baby and that he shouldn't have to do anything. This includes any housework and cooking as he says that's my role now. When DS was born he had to stay in ICU for 11 days as he didn't breathe for some considerable time after a traumatic 26 hour induced labour (which DH went home for the most part as he was tired) and he visited him 3 times during those 11 days as he "doesn't do hospitals", so it's not as if this uncaring attitude is purely caused by his absence due to work and not bonding properly with DS as it appears he's never cared from day one.

This is something I am prepared to LTB for as it's the last straw really. This is probably the longest AIBU ever typed so if you are still reading, thank you so much for your time.

MissStrawberry - yes that is one of the things that I want to do as soon as I am there, I want to file for divorce as soon as is physically possible. The refuge centre will help me find legal aid solicitors to appoint.

Good. I hope it all goes through quickly.

I think you are dealing with a psychopath.

Please do not ever expect him to be 'normal' or think like you, ever

Just feel pity for the women involved with him now.

Ha ha he really is pissed off that you have ended it isn't he?
He just can't believe that little old boring you has stood up to him. How funny.
My ex said I was boring too as "you never let me smoke weed in the house" yep guilty as charged and happy to bore!

mcmooncup I have concerns over his mental wellbeing at the moment. This is definitely not normal and I think the best thing to happen is me and DS getting far, far away and starting again.

Ledkr Oh no, really?! If I was in that situation I would also have been happy to be classed as boring too! It's amazing what insults some people will throw around when their own terrible behaviour isn't indulged in. I have been called a bitch and a crap mom to DS as I am apparently running away and causing a family split over something trivial. Yeah, several affairs whilst your phone is switched off and your son is in hospital, trivial indeed.

Ledkr, aint you sad that you lost out on that fine example of manliness.

I used to get the "You want let me have female friends", well dont text them every hour of the bloody day then.

Spotty, hes knows hes been a shit, but like all cowards, its just easier and more conscience lifting to blame the injured party. Hes just hoping to guilt you into forgiving him.

Hummm...Spotty I did wonder before whether he was in something like an early, manic stage of bipolar disorder? But then it seems like he's been twuntish for a long time to you...

Loving the new pictures! And your reaction is just PERFECT - laughing is actually a brilliant healthy step in the right direction.

Re: boring and all the analysis of it - I am reminded by my old HS English teacher's expression: "Life is dull to the dull".

But on a more serious note, I have to give you a gentle, [un?]Mumsnetty tap on the wrist for:

I should have known that I probably would have never been enough for him alone.

I was almost prepared to let you slide on that until you said:

he said that when he met me, everything changed and he had gotten it all out of his system and I was truly the one for him. He has been sending the other women the very same kind of stuff, saying he is falling for them and they are the only one for him

I just don't get how you can blame yourself for believing what a man who purports to love you says?

DP and I are Odinists and the chief sin we could possibly commit is to lie to each other. OK, we get that the rest of the world doesn't deal like this this and we can't take everybody at face value, but we still just don't get how people can base an entire world-value system on the precept that people - ESPECIALLY people who love each other - lie to each other.

And I'm tempering this gentle scold with the concept that you're in a lot of shock. You've been dealt a lot of crap in a very short amount of time, mainly by a twunt who really knows how to dish it out, so of course there's a part of you that (like rape victims) wants to just believe that if only you didn't do XX or YY this whole thing wouldn't have happened. Because that's easier to believe than "I did nothing wrong, but this still happened".

No, no, that just doesn't work. Do NOT go quietly down that crap road. do not take ANY responsibility for that asshole's bad karma.

And, you have to trust me (and loads of MNers who have been through stuff like this): Even though it didn't seem to make sense, it needn't happen again. You have some experience of what a guy like that sounds like now. I hope, when you return to Blighty, you look up Women's Aid and their Freedom programme. You've got our support. You'll be all right.

See, it's posts like PedantMarina's that show the absolute best of MN.

And she's right, Spotty. You really will be fine.

Sporty, just delurking to say you are brilliant. Take care of yourself. You have been through soo much NONE OF WHICH IS YOUR FAULT.

All this evidence that you now have, as well as the evidence of the DV incident, will be invaluable if he tries to be a pita about divorce/DS. Keep it all stored somewhere safe until DS is 18, even if you don't need it now, just in case he decides to target you through your son (contact if he comes back to the uk/leaves the army, maintenance etc).

Thank you PedantMarina, for your gentle scolding which I have taken on board it is very easy to fall into the trap of self blame, which only serves to make me feel ten times worse.

When I went to welfare this morning, H was supposed to wait in another room at the offices so he could see DS for an hour under supervision from a member of staff. He didn't show, and called me at 2.30pm furious that I hadn't woke him up on time and he'd only just woken up and that I was playing a nasty game in not letting him see his son. This, of course is pathetic that I should have to prompt him to get out of bed to see his own son (when he is now living on camp and it was a minute's walk from his block to the welfare offices) so I ignored and carried on with my day. I then hear the sound of loud engine revving and recognise it as H's obnoxious modified car outside about 20 minutes later. He buzzes the door, to which I ignore, and then begans ringing me whilst sat blasting music from the car stating that he's come for the TV, Sky box, internet box, house phone, my mobile, my Kindle, laptop, everything that I can basically keep in touch with the outside world and was hoping to at least sell the Kindle to make a bit more extra money, and that if I don't give them over now then there would be hell to pay. I called the welfare officer who said there wasn't anything he could do and to phone the RMP's. I did so and they kept me on hold for what seemed like an age whilst H sat outside acting like an antisocial arsewipe, they then informed me that it was his married quarter and there wasn't really anything they could do as a crime wasn't being committed.

I reminded them of his previous conviction of battery, that he was harrassing me and he had signed an agreement at welfare to stay away from the home unless 1. invited by me, and 2. escorted by welfare staff. They called welfare, who confirmed this and the police finally said they would send someone around to send him on his way as he had broken the terms of the agreement - a patrol van arrived ten minutes later and when he saw it he drove away, the patrol van following him so I don't even know what's happened with all of that. For half an hour in total he was sat outside beeping his horn, revving the engine, blasting music and buzzing the door, all on a Friday afternoon whilst everyone was at home. The system over here is absolutely shocking and I sometimes feel that it is taking all my strength to continue protecting me and DS inside this now increasingly empty, bare, miserable house. Whatever challenges we face when we arrive in the UK, I am looking forward to getting out of this living hell and starting again.

Oh Spotty, I'm sorry you had to experience that this afternoon xxx can you escalate to ensure you get support quicker should it be needed again?!

What a dick. Well done OP for staying strong. Hopefully next time you call the welfare officer he doesn't try and fob you off though! Can you complain?

I know what happened was horrible and you must have been scared but you can make yourself feel better by making sure all windows and doors are locked at all times. You don't open the door without checking who it is. You don't have to answer your phone ever, even if a friend, if you don't want too. Make a note of everything that has happened today, factually and without emotion, as you will forget things over time and then underneath, maybe in a different coloured pen, write how you felt emotionally and if your baby reacted - ie was woken, couldn't be soothed, was unsettled afterwards.

I second a new number, hes so far beyond pathetic now i could almost pity him.

Could you raise a complaint at how slow they were to act? That's really bad. Glad you saw him off though. He has no right to your things. He really is pathetic.

I am disgusted at how you were let down by welfare and the RMP, but at least they did the right thing eventually. Not good enough though. You must have been very distressed while he was out there.

Everything he did and said was based on it being your word against his. Do you have a landline? If so, film him on mobile while calling for help. Don't answer his calls, let him record his words on text or voicemail.
Bloody hell here comes the next round if bullshit, he's so textbook. Keep safe, stay detached, keep talking and you will be free if him x

Poor you, Spotty! But I have to say - I am so pleased you stood your ground, stayed inside and saw it through with the police. Exactly the right thing to do. I'm worried about what shit he will pull next, so please be careful and do not let him get you alone. Record everything, and dtay detached, like Maristella says.

I have double locked the front door, locked the back door, cellar door, all downstairs windows are shut and the only windows open are those upstairs as it's still 23 degrees at the moment so warm in the house. I didn't expect much more from the RMP's to be honest - they were painfully slow at dealing with the DV incident at New Years and that was when I was 40 weeks pregnant with DS and they had several patrols out on the streets as it's a busy night of the year. Welfare have let me down today I feel, I do appreciate how much they are doing for me and don't want to sound ungrateful as they have done a lot for me but they could have done a lot more to ensure mine and DS's safety earlier instead of shrugging and saying it wasn't their place to.

This is all made a lot worse by the total lack of support from my parents, who seem to think that me leaving and fleeing to the refuge centre is one big con and I will actually turn up at the door, all "Suuurpriiiiiiiiiiise! I thought I'd move in with you" and have asked me to confirm dates, give them reference numbers of my accommodation bookings, give the phone number of the refuge centre so they can call them and try to check I am definitely going there as they don't believe I have sorted it all out and will just turn up at their door. My mom phoned two days ago and said how stressful she was finding the situation and she'd had to take the day off work as she couldn't think straight, she was just so worried that I was going to end up living with them and it just wouldn't work out so I needed to get it into my head I could in no way shape or form stay with them. I am arriving into Birmingham (which they live 30 minutes from) and have said they won't be able to drive me to the refuge centre as they have plans that day and I'd be best just getting the trains down there hence collecting my rail warrant today. Carrying my 45kg luggage allowance as my removals don't arrive til 3 days after I get to the refuge centre so I have to take as much as I physically can with me. Oh and my son too in his pushchair. On 3 trains and a taxi.

I have blocked H's number again now; I kept it unblocked on his return as I wanted him to be able to ask to see DS to be reasonable from my side of things. However I am going to block it again as that's done me no favours.

Sorry, another deeply "woe is me" post, I do apologise! I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment, and the events of earlier have shaken me.

Christ spotty your parents are arseholes!! On top of everything else u don't need that lack of support.....any friends can help u?