Should he have come home?

[SpottyPony]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I have written this several times and not had the courage to post as I am feeling very down and sensitive but could use some intelligent insight, the sort that I have come to admire on MN.

The situation is that DH is working away abroad, has been for the last 7 weeks and not due to leave for another fortnight. On Wednesday our DS (6mo) fell ill and was referred to hospital from the doctors. He was admitted and fitted with an IV drip for fluids as he was dehydrated from severe D&V which later transpired to be gastroenteritis. Very listless and crying in pain, I was hugely worried about him. I don't live in the UK and have no family around for support. I called the relevant numbers to inform his seniors what was happening and to let DH know too. I received a phonecall to say DH has been informed and is being offered a flight back the next day to be home and support us and to hold out for further information. I did feel bad for interfering with his work commitments but needed support, and also out of respect for him as a parent and thought he should be there with us.

He refused the flight. A friend even offered him his flight and told him he would fly out another date and that DH should be at home with us. He said he "didn't want to" and that he had "things to do". Their main purpose of being out there has now ended and is merely tying up loose ends and preparing to return home. He asked about DS once during his first day in hospital, the second day I heard nothing and had to contact him to inform him of progress. I have now not heard from him since my last contact to him, we have been discharged today as DS is a lot better. DH's last communication with me was to inform me I was being a nag, to leave him alone as he was busy and has since deleted himself from the apps that we kept in contact with and I am unable to get through to his phone when I call. I should mention that where he is has a good nightlife and he has been out several times since getting there, so it appears he is having too good a time to come back and support his family.

AIBU for thinking his main priority should have been to get home to his poorly son and to support me too? I don't know whether I'm sounding whingey and needy. There is a backstory so as not to dripfeed - DH has been at home for just 5 weeks of DS's life as he's been away with work so frequently, but when home he doesn't interact with him unless forced, ignores him during the night (has gotten up once during the night and that's when I literally begged him and he did so with very bad temper) and will leave him in dirty nappies if I'm not there as he "didn't realise he needed changing". He has several younger siblings and has been around babies a lot. He says as I'm on maternity leave, it's my job to do everything associated with looking after a baby and that he shouldn't have to do anything. This includes any housework and cooking as he says that's my role now. When DS was born he had to stay in ICU for 11 days as he didn't breathe for some considerable time after a traumatic 26 hour induced labour (which DH went home for the most part as he was tired) and he visited him 3 times during those 11 days as he "doesn't do hospitals", so it's not as if this uncaring attitude is purely caused by his absence due to work and not bonding properly with DS as it appears he's never cared from day one.

This is something I am prepared to LTB for as it's the last straw really. This is probably the longest AIBU ever typed so if you are still reading, thank you so much for your time.

Viking he is on a warning from welfare that he's not to approach the house without someone else (more senior than him and not a personal friend) present and with my permission. If he doesn't adhere to this then the RMP's will be called. I will be on my guard and all doors are going to be locked at all times.

Yes we have been given a leave date, we go on 31st August. Removals are 29th August and we are being put in a welfare flat from then until our flight as the house will be empty then.

At least that bit's over now on the positive side. You've got rid of his possessions, you've found lovely homes for your animals and you've planned your leaving date- all in such a short space of time!

It's amazing what you have managed to achieve already in the midst of all these revelations!

Sorry I didn't get on last night after you posted. I know you probably feel like you are at rock bottom but the way you write is brilliant. You are so clear and captivating. He doesn't sound like he's worthy of you even before all the horrendous behaviour. I can't believe he asked to take the TV! Especially when his own son was sitting watching it!

Hi Spotty
it sounds all good and although he was abit of an arse when he was at the house, at least he didn't kick off like he planned to.

so much to look forward to in the next two weeks. all the very best!! it's going to be great! :) xx

Thanks for taking the time to update Spotty, not your first priority under the circumstances but appreciated, me like many others we're all here rooting for you, thinking about you and wishing you well and knowing you are ok is a relief.

Well lovely lady, that is another huge hurdle overcome. Now you can feel a little stronger - you did it and its another step forward to your new and exciting.

You have behaved with dignity and fairness when you heart must be broken and your head a mess while trying to look after a small baby and worrying about the future.

MN is always here for support but don't ever feel obliged to post or feel you owe "us" anything. While some of us worry when we don't hear from certain posters that doesn't mean you have to post. A bit of worry for us is nothing to what you have been through.

Put yourself and your baby first.

Glad to know the twunt-removing-stuff portion of the proceedings went OK.

I am aghast at his accusations of you being "boring and crap in bed". Well, not really - it's classic crap. But he's such an idiot, and so wrong about so many things that by his testimony alone, I'll just bet you're really interesting and GREAT IN BED!

It bet hes the crap in bed and dull as dishwater.

De lurking, horrified he can even call himself a man, my ex although a total dick sometimes, would be with DD in a heartbeat if she was unwell and in hospital, its just what parents do.

Crap Husband and a Disney dad.

Yes, thanks to Ezio asking what we're all probably wondering (and even if we weren't we are now):

How was he in bed?

Thanks OrangeLily, I just wish I was writing about a more positive subject matter! I am actually quite shy and socially awkward in real life - I trip over my words, blush, then go home to cringe and run everything over in my head again and again and wish I was more confident. Writing things down is so much easier!

I should have known that I probably would have never been enough for him alone. Before we were together I knew him as he is from the same town and would come back on leave and frequent the same places I would. He was well known for being something of a player. He told me about his past when we got together and said he would often have 3, maybe 4 different women in the space of a fortnight and think nothing of it. But he said that when he met me, everything changed and he had gotten it all out of his system and I was truly the one for him. He has been sending the other women the very same kind of stuff, saying he is falling for them and they are the only one for him. I think he has some deep ingrained problems that unfortunately I am suffering from directly as a result. So that is why when I am having messages off 4 other women all claiming to have slept with him, it's something that unfortunately is probably true.

The wheedling, sad messages from him are coming in now. I got one earlier saying "I'm sorry" and then a sad face. After an hour I got a "I really didn't mean what I did and if you can forgive me I will do whatever you want, I will even leave the Army if you want". When I still did not reply I got a haughty "Fine whatever, be a mardy bitch, have fun alone I'm going out tonight". He is immensely childish.

Thank you to those who have said I am not boring. I probably have become immensely boring to him, as his idea of a good time is going out to a club and drinking himself into a stupor and not remembering any of it. I actually don't drink, haven't done since before I discovered I was pregnant with DS and that was something that caused a definite rift between us. I hate the way it made me feel and act, so I stopped and haven't regretted it since. However when he was over there and in all these bars and clubs, all these other women probably seemed way more appealing than boring old me sitting at home not drinking. Oh well. Still no reason whatsoever to cheat on me.

I'm glad you didn't respond to his messages and gave him time to show his true colours when you didn't react as he thought you would (although it seems it didn't take MUCH time for his colours to show).

Fuck him, we like you

There really is a script.

You don't fall into line so he got nasty. Blamed you for his actions. Then he tried apologies and promising the world. Then when you still don't answer he gets angry again.

Ignore.

Ignore.

Ignore.

Bit pathetic to need alcohol to have a good time and what does it say about him that he can only get a shag from women who are drunk in clubs.

Seems you were sharing your home with 2 babies. Only one of which wore a nappy.

Sweetheart lots of people don't drink. I barely drink now. My partner drinks less than I do.

And, I can't believe he is saying its your fault, you're the one who is leaving, you're giving up on the marriage.

He really is not the right sort of man for a girl to marry is he xx

Boring- not you Spotty. You're a lovely and dedicated mum. An animal lover who has lots of friends. He's a boring drunk who picks up teenage slappers to boost his self esteem. He's so boring that he has to recycle the same lines over and over again. B-O-R-I-N-G!
He doesn't "do hospitals, doesn't "do nappies", doesn't spend time with lovely DS, doesn't know how to be a good dad or a good husband.
Since he's such a boring selfish drunk I think we all know what he's like in bed...

Spotty remember the next woman he is with will bore him too, given a short time. That's just how he is, by the sound of it.

Been lurking and just wanted to say (along with everyone else) well done for dealing so clearly and certainly with everything. Maybe when you are over the worst of this you will be the one giving advice and support to other women, as you are a model of how to do things to the best for your DS and kept your dignity in the face of appalling behaviour.

From one horse person to another, you will sort your life out to get your horse back. You have made everything happen in just the right way and you aren't going to stop doing that. A year is a long time - look what you've done in the space of weeks!

Men like him don't get bored as such, they get impatient. Their narcissistic, egotistical self gets irritated when their woman (because she is there to serve a purpose, as his woman) is not constantly trying to impress and allure him. Why won't she? He's worth it, right?

The fact is that men like him are unrealistic. They want constant sexual validation through attention. Realistically this cannot be achieved by one woman through an adult lifetime because women act like this to attract a man, they don't behave like this when they're raising small children, or the children would be neglected.

He's the failure OP, you've been amazingly strong and I admire you

Spotty, you aint boring, you grew up and changed your priorities.

Hes immensely boring if his life revolves around getting pissed, thats my idea of a nightmare,

Hes a twat, your lovely, he'll miss you, your gonna rebuild

Hes the biggest loser, and your DS will know it.

Well done spotty! It'll all start to get better now.

Hey Spotty, big hugs to you now that the immediate drama is over. Please be kind to yourself, sneak in a bath if u can, eat chocolate, buy a nice magazine. Sometimes it's the small things that rent help make the day into a good one!!

I don't think you are boring at all. I enjoy a drink but if you have good reasons for stopping then he needs to respect that! Or if he was genuinely unhappy in your relationship there are dignified and respectful ways to end a relationship in order to minimise hurt.

Keep writing, if its helping. I'm in Scotland and found myself wondering how I could help the other day in the car. I'm sure there will be many more MNetters in the West Midlands who can help!

Glad you got through him coming back for his stuff without incident. Good luck. This is the beginning of the rest of your life xx

Hi everyone. Ahh, today is a very strange day. DS was up all through the night on and off (teething) and at 3.30am my phone went off. More messages from yet another number, saying it was his girlfriend, more pictures, this time with a different woman. After the initial shock, feeling hot and sick and as if I was about to pass out which is the way I have felt when I have received all this evidence thrown in my face, the strangest thing happened. I started to laugh! I was deeply concerned at first and thought I may be becoming unstable, but the reason I was laughing is because it is such a stereotypical "Been caught cheating" picture. It's so seedy!!! they look like they're in some kind of run down motel - mouldy curtains hanging halfway down the window,a fetching 70's floral bedspread that they're lying on and they've both got a fag in their hand as they're kissing. Classy. I was toying with the idea of posting one of the pictures on my profile on here (with his face covered with a sticker reading TWUNT) as it is just so laughable, but that wouldn't be wise. Out of interest I messaged the pictures, of which there are three, and him wearing a change of clothes in one of them so it has happened with this lady more than once to H to see how he would squirm with this one. He replied "I'm kissing a girl, yeah so what. Why are you sending me that?" So, meh. Whatever. I left it at that and haven't heard anything since.

Been a busy day already today - collected mine and DS's flight tickets and rail warrants for our journey home in just over 2 weeks, went and mucked out mine and 2 friends' horses at the yard as they're both on holiday and am now having a cup of tea before I start selling more items that I don't need. I am trying to push to the back of my mind the nagging feeling that I am going to really struggle to get housing when I'm back in the UK and I might be stuck in the refuge for months on end with no job and relying on benefits with no place of our own. but I will do all I can to get me and DS set up and shot of him.

Do you plan to get in first with filing for divorce? I suppose it doesn't really matter but you haven't done anything wrong so shouldn't be maligned.