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Original poster

what DH finds attractive

45 replies

romeoromeo · 10/08/2013 09:07

Sometimes my DH says he cannot get turned on by me when I am being "emotionally heavy." This means when I am upset about something (work, my DPs, friends etc.) He says he is only up for sex when I am 'fun' and 'light' and that makes me sexy.

I see it in practice. When I make DH laugh or wear something different he gets vey turned on and wants sex. When I am crying about something that has happened at work and I approach him for sex, he finds it off putting.

Am I the only woman in the world who finds something cathartic in having sex with someone you love when the rest of the world seems against you?

Is he being unreasonable to say that it is not attractive?

OP posts:
CongoBongoIsland · 10/08/2013 09:11

Maybe he finds having sex with a crying woman a bit too reminiscent of rape. Each to their own but he's entitled to his view.

NeverQuiteSure · 10/08/2013 09:14

I can see both your points of view. I had an ex who suffered badly with anxiety and depression and tbh I found it very difficult to want him sexually when he was very down. I wanted to care for him, talk with him and generally look after him, but sex seemed wrong somehow.

Sorry if that doesn't help much.

CoteDAzur · 10/08/2013 09:14

Would you want to have sex with a crying man?

Cuddle, yes. But sex?

Reality · 10/08/2013 09:15

God yes. What's unattractive about a snotty, snivelling mess? What's wrong with the man? Who wouldn't want to bang a weeping woman?

Hmm
Bonsoir · 10/08/2013 09:16

I think that your DH's attitude is very normal.

TallulahBetty · 10/08/2013 09:22

I think your DH's attitude is normal, healthy and actually very respectful of you.

WhoNickedMyName · 10/08/2013 09:25

If my DH is upset or emotional it brings out the 'mother' in me. No way do I want to have sex with him when I'm feeling like that.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 10/08/2013 09:57

i would find it quite disturbing if dh thought of sex whenever i was upset or a crying mess Confused

ClassyAsALannister · 10/08/2013 10:02

My DP never comes onto me/hints at sex etc if I'm obviously upset about something or very stressed. He's openly said it's because he'd feel uncomfortable doing the do when I'm that vulnerable, which I really love to be honest. (I have a habit of crying during sex when I'm very stressed or upset so it's certainly for the best, scuse the TMI).

Original poster
romeoromeo · 10/08/2013 10:31

Does nobody find it cathartic/comforting to have sex when you're upset??? I don't mean crying I mean just down or something?

Is it honestly the biggest turn off in the world?

OP posts:
scarletforya · 10/08/2013 10:39

God yeah. It's totally normal to find crying off putting. I would be more worried if he was into it!

I've heard people mention about crying during sex before, I just don't understand that...

I would be freaked by that! Sex is supposed to be fun not grim!

Thisisaeuphemism · 10/08/2013 10:44

I like sex when I'm up or down - dh only when he's cheery. I offer to have sex to cheer him up but he rarely agrees!

I understand what you're saying op, but I think his attitude is fair enough.

kalidanger · 10/08/2013 10:45

Is it just about sex? Or is it more general? "Be happy and cool all the time! Don't bother me with your problems! I don't want to know!"

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 10:48

It's one thing to have sex as a form of catharsis.

Having sex with a sobbing mess sounds horrific.

Wayfarer · 10/08/2013 10:48

Sex is said to be comforting and relieve stress so he should be willing to have sex with you if you actually want it. I'm sure he wouldn't have to force himself that muchSmile
Doesn't do anything much for me so I'd never be asking for sex, only allow him if he claims he needs it.

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 10:50

Kalidanger raises a good point though. Is he generally unsupportive if you're down or just not interested in sex when you're down?

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 10:51

Wow wayfarer. There is so much wrong in your post I don't really know where to start so I won't.

Back2Two · 10/08/2013 10:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Wayfarer · 10/08/2013 10:57

I just hardly ever need it. Not everyone wants sex.

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 10:59

No that's not the bit that causes concern.

Wayfarer · 10/08/2013 11:07

Even though you don't want it yourself it would be mean never to let a man do it anyway. Otherwise he'd get nothing.
But this thread's not about me anyway.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/08/2013 11:13

You're not saying he is unsupportive, just not able to look past you being worried or upset about something in order to feel in the mood. Tbh that sounds more considerate than selfish, there are degrees of 'feeling low' or downright distressed - nice to cheer you up if you're down in the dumps or wanting a cuddle, but if he were jumping on you any time you were weepy I'd think that was creepy.

XiCi · 10/08/2013 11:24

Do you cry often about things like work? I can't remember the last time I cried in front of DH in the 20+ years we've been together. You sound over-emotional and needy which is very unattractive in itself. Surely you can see that it would not be enjoyable to have sex with someone who is upset

BillComptonstrousers · 10/08/2013 11:29

Is that what you really think wayfarer? Wow.

TroublesomeEx · 10/08/2013 11:39

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was sad/down/crying/mopey and I can't imagine many other people would either.

I'm with your DH on this one I'm afraid!