what DH finds attractive

[romeoromeo]

Sometimes my DH says he cannot get turned on by me when I am being "emotionally heavy." This means when I am upset about something (work, my DPs, friends etc.) He says he is only up for sex when I am 'fun' and 'light' and that makes me sexy.

I see it in practice. When I make DH laugh or wear something different he gets vey turned on and wants sex. When I am crying about something that has happened at work and I approach him for sex, he finds it off putting.

Am I the only woman in the world who finds something cathartic in having sex with someone you love when the rest of the world seems against you?

Is he being unreasonable to say that it is not attractive?

I think the shock Wayfarer is that most if us see sex as something we do with a partner, not have done to us.

My exP used to always get really turned on when I was crying and vulnerable (but had no libido at other times). It was realising just how fucked up that was that was part of the reason he's an ex.

I agree with XiCi, excessive crying does come across as needy. If you are crying because of work, friends etc that is a lot of crying!

Perhaps you could seek some counselling to learn to manage your emotions in a more self contained way.

This thread has just gone really weird.

From someone saying they let their partner 'do' sex to them even when they don't want it.

And people saying the OP is 'over emotional and needy' she never once said she was crying all the time, she just said when somethings bothering or upsetting her.

In answer to your question about whether I find sex cathartic if I'm feeling down/anxious/stressed, the answer for me is no, absolutely not.

Frankly, sex is the last thing I want under those circumstances.

I need to be relaxed and completely focused to truly enjoy sex.

I suppose that's because the OP talks about being upset about work, family, friends, things that have happened...

And then says "when" she approaches her partner for sex which sounds as though it happens fairly frequently. Otherwise, it wouldn't happen enough for her to notice, surely?

It's a frequent enough occurrence for her to have observed a pattern.

I suppose it depends how often something bothers her. Every day? Once a week? Once a month? A couple of times a year?

I agree Cinnabar. When I'm stressed or anxious I can't tolerate anyone being anywhere near me! Let alone doing the sex!

wayfarer i actually have no words!

My DH often wants sex when he's been upset or after we've argued and then made up...he seems to find it self affirming or somethine. I however never want it when emotions are high....I want it when things are on an even keel.

If my DW wanted to DTD when she was feeling low and depressed she would be a raving nympho! Trouble is she doesnt want it when she's happy either! Ho hum.

She hates seeing me down and finds it difficult to deal with it, she takes it personally and wont comfort me or help much but expects me to hold her and be sympathetic when she's down which is regularly with a family like hers.

I would feel the same way as your husband.

If I am down or stressed I often end up crying after sex, it just all comes out and he is used to it now. The first time we had sex I cried buckets, poor man didn't know what hit him

But no way would he want sex with me while I was upset and crying. Neither of you are wrong, it's just personal preference.

InlovewithDT - There's nothing very shocking about what I said. Probably happens all the time.

I think I know what OP means.
Sometimes if you have had a rough week or whatever and you feel like everything's conspiring against you, it's a nice way of reconnecting and feeling loved, remembering what matters etc - I don't know if that makes sense.. Not when you're crying of course but just if you're feeling low or stressed, sex can make you feel better. I know it improves my mood and my DH's. if I felt like he didn't find me attractive unless I was sweetness and light, I wouldn't feel great about it.
Is he supportive in other ways OP?

Sorry, but I agree with your husband.

I get what you mean OP I think? Like moleymick says, sometimes when you've had a rough week, some really nice sex with someone lovely can lift you out of the gloom! I don't think anyone would mean "Oh, my wife's crying, better give her one to shut her up"! Presumably you've done the crying, he's let you cry on his shoulder, and now it's time to cheer up and make lurrrve! I think if DH said he only wanted me when I was happy it would set alarm bells off, sounds kind of like blackmail to me?

I also get what wayfarer says. Some people have greatly mismatched sexdrives, but they obviously want to be together, so there has to be compromise if thats the case, and somebody may have to forgo sex they want, or put up with sex they don't want at times. I've done it myself, because I love my husband and want him to be happy. Other times I've declined, and I'm sure it's the same with him sometimes?

Sex can be fun, passionate, routine, new, or even healing,
The list could go on
There is a time for everything
But it's also each to their own!

I do get what you mean about it being cathartic, I like to have sex when I'm upset or stressed too, I find it lightens my mood. However I have never been crying whilst trying to do it.

I can understand his reservations. I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone whist they were crying, I think I would feel a bit wrong doing it.

I can see his point of view in the same way I don't enjoy 'angry' sex.
If DH and I have had an argument I am not one of those passionate women who makes up by having sex. I need huge amounts of space to start connecting with him and get back on the same page emotionally.

I can see your DHs point of view here, and would feel the same way. Cuddles and kisses are great if upset, but sex doesn't quite feel appropriate to me.