Thread to swap uplifting stories of life after divorce/separation to give people struggling lots of hope for the future

[Ledkr]

So have been on one if the many threads where a poster has been treated appallingly by her husband and is feeling very sad and worried for hers and her children's future.
Being 10 yrs down the line I posted about how much my life improved after my ex shafted me and his chikdren.
A few posters thought it would be a lovely idea to swap similar stories.
So come on, it will be cathartic and helpful to others.

God but this thread is fantastic!

I'm coming up on 4 months since STBEx decided he didn't love me anymore, after 19 years together and 3 kids. I was devastated then, but now, on the verge of me and the kids moving down to the coast to start our new life together, I'm feeling happy, confident and carefree - and he's showing what a twat he is.

He works away all week, phoning and saying how much he misses the kids, then come the weekend (and knowing the kids are only here for 4 more weeks at most) he goes straight from work to the pub on a Friday, comes home half cut and continues drinking all evening. Then he's hungover and grumpy on Saturday. This weekend and last he's been away on the Saturday night and now he's not even coming back today - so much for missing the kids! I can't understand how he's not grabbing every precious minute he has with them and making the effort to do things with them, but it's his loss.

DD is very much 'his girl' but she's going to see him for the selfish git he is very soon (with no bad-mouthing from me - he's doing it all himself) and DS1 already has a pretty non-existent relationship with him because he's not the right kind of son. DS2 is only little so doesn't get what's going on anyway. I think the kids will be better off without seeing him so much and spending their time with him being dragged to shitty pubs while he drinks with his mates. DS1 will have my DBs in his life - both positive male role models, which he desperately needs. DD will be able to learn about positive female things, instead of seeing me unhappy and being laughed at for my 'stupid feminist ideas'.

I can't see me wanting to live with anyone for a very long time (if ever!) because at the moment I'm ridiculously excited about choosing stuff in the colours that I like and furnishing the house how I want it - I'm looking at a plum-coloured sofa, which he'd hate, and spotty crockery because it's colourful and fun for the kids, which he'd also hate. My house is going to be just that - mine. I'm relishing that he won't have a say in any part of MY life. I do want to meet someone else and have a relationship - it's great reading that people have done that after LTRs ending - it gives me high hopes!

I know it's going to be difficult, but I'll have my family around me, which I haven't had for ten years. I'll be able to go back to work, knowing I have a support network in place for childcare. I'm looking at evening classes. I'm about to start running and Mum and I are going to do Pilates together. I'm going to join a slimming club. I'm turning 40 in November and want to be 'fit and 40' as opposed to 'fat and 40'. I have more plans than I know what to do with!

The kids are going to fantastic new schools, as opposed to their previous school which was in special measures with a useless Head, where not one of my kids were fully appreciated or supported. We'll be 10 minutes from the beach and the sea air is wonderful for better sleeping. There's so much going on down there, without the pressures of the big city (Birmingham) which I won's miss AT ALL.

Gosh, that was long! Essentially - life is looking good and I intend to grab everything with both hands!

I am 2.5 years down the line of breaking it off with my abusive ex. We were together 15 years and have 2 dc.

I look back at my marriage as if it happened to someone else. I feel like I lived in a fog, was unable to consciously make decisions and just drifted into situations, I guess now that is what happens when you are doing the old 'stepping on egg shells' - you don't live for yourself.

I have done loads of 'work' on myself because I was terrified of who I was attracted to. It became really obvious to me as I went off dating that I was attracted to utter cocks. I was completely co dependent and I had a serious problem with how I related to men. So to cut a long story short, I pretty much had to drag up some hideous truths about my dad (who had died in 2009) - he was an EA and I had just never seen it, but there we go, my template for relationships had been set.

I am so very optimistic for my future, I know I can be single and be happy. I have developed my female friendships to a point I get such genuine connection that it fulfills me immensely. For example, last night a friend and I just packed a few things, went for a massive long walk then went to some village pubs and got disgustingly drunk and had an absolute riot of a laugh and fell into our tent at some ridiculous hour. I thought this morning that I had never ever ever laughed so much when I had been married and I am so very lucky to have a life like this now.

I love my work and develop this all the time now. I have found my way and know what I like, who I am and what my values are. Again I feel hugely optimistic about this part of my life.

And finally, my beautiful DC. They go to their DF's one night a week which is always a great opportunity to go out and have some fun but otherwise it is just us and our little doggie. I cannot explain what a difference it has made to their lives and there is very little negative. I know they suffer slightly from the not having 2 parents together thing.......but it really is minor and they are fully able to
They have flourished in the last few years. We have a genuine open and trusting relationship, talking about everything, and do not allow criticism and meanness. I am no longer fearful they will grow up to be dickhead men. They will be lovely, I know.

So, all in all, there is nothing negative. I really truly hate seeing people and friends in bad relationships. I think there should be more 'broken' homes. There is nothing to fear from fixing a bad situation, despite the fact we are consistently fed the line that you must do everything to save a marriage....sometimes marriages are not all they are cracked up to be.

And finally finally, weirdly, considering I am not looking, I sorta met someone a few weeks ago who, well, seems to have made an impact. And from what I know so far, he is not a danger to me/ is an a-hole. I don't really mind either way though, I am happy single too. If this turns into anything, it will simply be an added extra.

I should add really that the hard times were hard, you doubt yourself, you wonder if you did the right thing, whether it would have just been easier to put up and shut up......all I can say to that is yes it's worth it.

I split with my ex when my dd was 2 years old. She is 8 now. I am 38.

In that time I have not become the person I was before I met him but a happier, more assertive and grounded person.

I have:
Stood up to him for 5 years through various court actions and he is not allowed access to my dd
My dd is a joyful confident happy wee girl who I am bursting with pride at
My parents and i are really close now and i could never repay their kindness and goodwill and love
I met my dp 2 years ago and we now live together as a wee happy normal family and it is fabulous
I think i dont take 'normal' for granted and i dont think i ever will again
And when i go to bed at night i am not scared anymore and i dont intend to ever be again

Just marking a place to read later. could use some inspiring

It has been almost 6 months since I split up with ex-p. I cannot describe how much happier and lighter I feel now tat I am not carrying around feelings of anger and resentment towards him every day.

I have no doubt that I did the right thing for all of us. We Hth have a better relationship with the dc now. It was hard, and after 11 years it was odd to be alone but I have o regrets.

What a fantastic thread! You are all so inspiring and I'm really moved by your stories. Thank you xx

Good luck Helen, what a good idea for a thread. I'd like to add my story.

I was married (from age 19 back in the sixties) for 27 years. He wasn't a bad man, just emotionally cut off and we had no sex life. He was more like a friend. When our two DD's left home for university I began to work full time and loved it. I wasn't there at home all the time anymore, and I wasn't supporting him socially in his job. He was spotted as a good catch (well-off, high status professional job, good looking) and he began an affair which I was completely unaware of. She 'made him' tell me, he was very unhappy and we tried to revive our marriage for a few weeks, but then he disappeared and put a note through the door saying he wanted a divorce. I was beyond angry, went straight to see a solicitor and found out what I was entitled to.

I was very scared at first, I'd never lived alone but very soon I felt a weight off my shoulders. I was ok financially, had a good job and enough money to buy a little house which I loved decorating to suit only myself. After a year I left that job, took a year to get a professional qualification, and started working in a field I'd always been interested in. I fell for someone 14 years younger than me who made me feel young, sexy and beautiful. It ran its course (5 years) but we had a great time including travelling round Australia sleeping in the back of a car.

A short period of being on my own, then I answered a lonely hearts ad and met my current OH. I retired aged 55, we lived on a boat and travelled all round Europe for 10 years. Now we have a lovely house and a boat in France and I am really enjoying my life.

I should never have married XH, and I should have had the guts to leave him when I realised we just weren't right together - but I thought it was good enough.

Never settle for second best and don't spend your life putting everybody else first. (And by the way - both my DD's said they'd always wondered how on earth we'd manage in retirement, since we had 'nothing in common'!)

I love that post misguided !

I was talking to my also divorced cousin saying that as I seem to be long term uninterested in a relationship I need something big to occupy my thoughts, a goal.

I am thinking travel or living abroad doing something, Mum left the UK at slightly older than me and has had a great time.

So when my youngest hits 19 in 5 years time I will be free as a bird... Her Dad has a house where she will be fine to live so whatever I think by then it will be time to put me first.

I am half way through 2 weeks off work at the moment and loving having the time and space to think and reflect on everything. I feel at a period of perfect balance.

The first 18 months were so up and down and getting through all the firsts, getting used to the OW who was there from very early on. Making sure my DC were ok as I had been so concerned that they wouldnt deal with our split - they did ! Then moving house, getting a job and a divorce -fighting my corner it seemed never ending.

Now though thats all done and I am quietly doing, seeing,eating,drinking what I like. Apart from ordinary constraints like work and DC needs I can do as I please. I could still be married and actually life then was ok too as I adapted to XH and I didnt want to rock the boat. I am glad I am not and he had the courage to leave because although it was ok it wasnt good enough and as misguided said dont settle for less

comingintomyown - what a perfect NN for where you are. Keep your goal always in view - if you meet someone who wants the same as you, great, but once your youngest is independent it's "me first" time. Good luck.

I also want to add that I have the greatest respect for all of you upthread who are coping alone with young children and not much money. I was comparatively lucky.

I am ready to play.

I married my husband because I was worried I would get left on the shelf. he constantly berated me for not cleaning properly, everything was about appearances not about how it really was. I fell pregnant because my mum was diagnosed with cancer and I knew she would die. I wanted here to be with me through being pregnant. 5 days after I gave birth I knew it wouldn't work. I fact it got worse and I could never meet his expectations and I broke myself tried to make him happy and I never did. I thought having another child would help make us happy. No it got worse again, 3 days after coming home from hospital I was deep cleaning the house at midnight because head gone out and his friends were coming over the next day. I gave up all of my friends as he thought they were to hood enough.

My mum died.

We moved house.

I felt like shit.

I met a wonderful man at work and something real stirred inside of me but nothing happened for some time.

I left my husband and stayed with my dad but he would not let me take my daughters and I did it have it in me to fight.

I got a flat and saw the girls every weekend.

I got together with the wonderful man who let me take my time and stood back while I got my shit together.

I am now remarried, I see my girls regularly and have two boys. When we are all together it is noisy and chaotic and happy. My DH is patient and kind and I adore him. I am so glad I left my first husband although I miss my girls and wish I had found something somewhere to fight for them. However they are lovely girls and we have a close and loving relationship.

I did a bereavement course recently to get over my mums death which I was still struggling with and I feel refreshed and new and I am so confident about the future.

I knew I didn't love my first husband when I married him but every day I know I am deeply in love with DH and I am sure that reflects on all of my DC.

Great thread

I see my divorce as my liberty and have gratitude everyday that I no longer see my abusive ex. Split 4 yrs ago , kids 3 & 4 yo, took my time but surrounded myself with good people that are good for me, worked on my own issues, raised my self esteem, learned a healthy selfish and how to nourish myself, made better choices, chose a new career, start uni in Sept. You have nothing to fear but fear itself, you can do anything, you are all stars... KEEP SHINING!
ps another Dumpling xxxxxxx

I'm in the middle of divorcing my alcoholic husband. I realised a few years ago he was never going to change and mentally I've been gone a while but not it's physically happening, while it's scary it's good. I can see a future and it's a hopeful optimistic thing. No-one will ever tell me I'm fat, ugly or stupid again and no-one has the right to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

It's been a real revelation to take a step back and look objectively at how things have been and confirms my decision.

Onwards and upwards ladies :)

Marking place on this thread for inspiration

Marking place also

I love this thread....

I'm in the process of divorcing my Stbexh after his affair last year.

It's been a tough time - I have never gone through anything quite so painful. My mantra last year was "one day, this will all make sense & you will be fine". I always believed that I would despite being terrified & so disorientated by the unexpected turn my life had taken.

When I finally kicked him out, I had a week of feeling shit & then I started to feel better. Over the following months, I struggled to adjust to being a single parent - just the reaponsibility, the sense that I didn't sign up for this, the fact that so many other single parents seemed to relish their kids - I just felt trapped & overwhelmed.

I hated seeing friends status on FB - happy family days.

Something clicked - I started to think positively & realised that my exH had always been a selfish shit & his affair was evidence of this to me & everyone else.

During this time, I tentatively cracked on with sorting the house out, thinking about my job prospects, met a man & tried to be thankful for what I had - exH pays me excellent maintanence, my kids are healthy & I am loved by my friends & family.

My new man has been a complete surprise - wasn't looking for anything, just fancied dating for fun. I am a completely different person with him - I shine & I feel so at ease with him. He ticks more boxes than my exH did & I'm loving the journey. Part of this is because I truly believe, despite what exH did, that I am a bloody amazing catch & any man who has me in his life is very lucky.

I have a job interview this week. My divorce is likely to be a bit of a battle & I know it will get tough.

I don't know what my future holds - but I do know that I feel strong enough to deal with it. Part of me feels a bit excited at the uncertainty, which is a new thing for me. I am learning to approach things positively & to not beat myself up when I have a bad day.

I'm even starting to think that exH did me a favour by having his affair. A friend asked me if I could change it - the affair never happened - would I? You know what - I wouldn't! Yes, I miss the security but I don't miss how he made me feel, before & after the affair.

My kids are lovely & have adapted really well. I do worry about how this will affect them & having the energy to cope but we will be fine.

Even my solicitor commented that I didn't seem at all bitter - I have my moments but I refuse to be bitter as it will only poison me.

There are some really inspirational stories on this thread - what some of you have had to cope with makes my experience look like a walk in the park by comparison.

Thank you everyone. My ExDP of 11 years left me and our 2 young DCs just 5 weeks ago and right now Im so emotionally wrecked I cant see a future. This thread has given me hope. Thank you.

Marking my place for inspiration...6 months along from STBXH leaving so not totally happy yet!

For months it occupied my thoughts the whole time and whilst I wasnt a wreck as such it defined my life. I always knew though that I would get over him and that as our marriage as it had become had to end so whatever pain and mourning arose from that would have to be endured.

Thinking like that really helped me sit with the recovery process if that make sense.

Patience lovely to see you and hear your news

Bumping up for those who may need some positivity.

my exh left me for OW and I was devastated. 2 dcs who were quite young

I had a terrible couple of years, can't deny that, and it was one day at a time. Divorce is so stressful.

But bit by bit (and partly helped by MN ) things got better, I started getting a social life, dating sometimes, having fun. Retrained and found work, travelled with dcs and just having a much happier life.

I can see now that my exh was very demanding, selfish and unsupportive (as well as having good points!) and my life now is much calmer, more stable feeling and I enjoy the freedom and spontaneity. Dcs see their dad regularly and are ok. We have a happy little household, the three of us.

To anyone going through this I'd say don't give up hope - just keep going and have faith things will get better. I honestly would never have believed at the time I could be as happy as I am now.

Another dumpling here.

4 years ago found out H was having affair with woman in our social circle. Absoloutely devastated. At same time found out I had very serious medical problem and that one of DCs has aspergers syndrome.

The first year was very tough. Second was much better. Keeps getting better :)

Went to counselling for a year. Also was in a couple of online support groups which were great. have met the most amazing folk through the groups.

I have grown hugely as a person. I have been enabled to sort out the problems I had with my own family and emerged a much stronger person who doesnt take poor behaviour from anyone. I feel much more confident and happy in my skin.

I have made it on my own, started my own business. Done lots of social and work things I would never have done had I been married.

I got to a great place where also I felt very happily single. And then I met a man which has been great.

I had been very very happy in my marriage. But through counselling and growing as a person I felt that actually I had put up with stuff I shouldnt. And now with new man I can see I am much better off with him.

I do feel now that it is the kids who have lost out most and I feel a bit sad at times . But they are very happy and accepting of their new life and do spend good times with their father and have a good life overall.

The pain and upset at the beginning can be awful but it does get better !

This is a zombie thread but I thought it was worth bumping because it is so inspiring.

I was left homeless and penniless with a baby by exdp. By 3 years later I had started a new career and worked for an organisation I'd always wanted to. I'd bought a flat and a car. Without the single parent tax credits I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Then I met my now DP and we had a DC and the difficult start to dc1's life is all but forgotten.

I agree it's worth bumping if it inspires or reassures people.

I left 4 years ago after a lot of support from MNers. My ex was emotionally abusive, and controlling and liked to drink. It was like living with a cloud of doom.

I left with clothes and DS's toys one day while he was at work and haven't looked back. The first night we shared an airbed in an empty house in a rough area and I was smiling. You don't realise how much there is a weight on your shoulders until you are free of it.

We now live in a nice house in a nice street. Both homes I did up myself in lovely light airy colours that he would never have let me have. We've been abroad twice just me and DS and had amazing times. We've extended our network of support and friends. I've learnt to drive - something he always put a spanner to whenever I took up lessons.

I've paid off debts (caused by him) and am very on top of my finances. Car died this week and I felt really proud that I had emergency savings just for this sort of thing.

I've dated a few guys but my standards are higher now. I know what I will and won't put up with and the kind of example I want to set to DS. A positive single parent is way better than a parent in an unhealthy relationship.

We are free and we are happy.