Thread to swap uplifting stories of life after divorce/separation to give people struggling lots of hope for the future

[Ledkr]

So have been on one if the many threads where a poster has been treated appallingly by her husband and is feeling very sad and worried for hers and her children's future.
Being 10 yrs down the line I posted about how much my life improved after my ex shafted me and his chikdren.
A few posters thought it would be a lovely idea to swap similar stories.
So come on, it will be cathartic and helpful to others.

Some inspiring stories and good to read for those if us who aren't quite there yet

to everyone for sharing these and showing that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

gettingeasier

Just wanted to say thank you for creating this post, just what i needed lol

Ex left me nearly 2 years ago, after over 20 years together, thought we'd be together for ever, but the death of our son nearly five years ago changed things.

Now i'm not happy but i'm not unhappy either, but i'm getting there, doing new things and making new friends. Struggle for money big time, but looking at doing some p/t study so i can get promotion, probably next year now, but hopefully will get a place.

Got a fantastic relationship with my 2 youngest sons, they both suffered dreadfully with their father's actions, still do sometimes, but i've never said a word bad about him in front of them. Finances still not sorted, still worrying about the outcome, ex hiding all sorts of assets in his finances in a hope of paying reduced maintenance, but i won't give in, struggling with the legal fees but only want a roof kept over our heads, and a share of his pension as i don't have one.

Thanks again, its given me a boost reading about all the experiences, their is hope for my future and i will be happy again x

That is really great to hear comingintomyown. I remember you and your lovely house when we all met

I'm back at work too. It's a rather repetitive job but my boss is nice and it's nice to have a job tbh.

Ex left almost a year ago to " work " abroad after which he announced he needed ' space" to " find himself" !! Ow appeared not long after!
Now I am happier than I've been in years , confident great relationship with kids. Even been on a few dates one of which may go further .... Or not either way I'm happy just to be remembering who I am and my likes/ dislikes etc. But realised that all those years trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be, whilst hiding my real self were wasted.

Got my decree nisi this week and just feel relief that my life will now move on. I have a new job in September and will be able to hold my head high. He is still miserable but he's her problem now not mine. I like to laugh and dance and sing in the rain - all things that were considered
" immature" by ex- new man thinks its cute and sexy

I'm so glad that this is having such a positive effect on people.
Yes our relationships with our children are often closer and what we went through made us who we are today.
I'm so grateful for all my lovely friends who helped me at the time and its lovely to be able to pass that on to others.
To all those who are not there yet, it takes time but not as long as you think and each day is one day closer to getting there.

4 years ago after spending all our money and reducing our life to one which revolved around the TV my exh told me he no longer loved me. My reaction was finally to show him the door, that night and I have never looked back. My DD was 18 months at the time.
With the support of friends, MN and my work we are doing well. All of us, he does well as a Dad, we don't fight (we do grit teeth regularly).
I am with DP who has three children and we are blending, slowly.
DP and I do all the things we wished we had done in our previous relationships and do lots of serious reflecting and learning.
It's hard work although its very happy, valued, loved and cherished hard work.

I left back in 2010. I was at work having a conversation with a colleague and she asked if i was ok and for some unknown reason i answered honestly for the 1st time in over 8 years that i was far from
ok.

I left work there and then went home, packed a suitcase, grabbed my dd and turned up on my mums door step.

It was still horribe for a year after i left him. The constant phone calls, threats, the turning up at my mums or my work place or dd's school. He was a horrible, nasty disgusting man for the 8 years we were together so i dont know why i expected him to just let me walk away.

I however was determined and did not give in and go back.

Now i have my own house were me and dd do not have to live in fear, where if we choose to dance round the bedroom to Taylor Swift we can, where if dd wants her nightlight on without it being smashed over my head she can, where we can eat what and when we like, where were both not nearly in tears when we hear a car pull up in the drive because we know its not him, where i can hug and kiss dd without being told that i spoil her, where we can laugh, where i dont have to hear dd crying herself to sleep through fear

where i dont despair when i hear dd getting up of a morning because ive been awake for the whole night being accused of being a cheat and trying to prove again and again i wasnt, where i dont spend hours in the bath trying to make sure i smelt clean for him, where i dont cry for weeks before we go on holiday knowing i would spend a week being raped whenever he choose

oh god ive gone on havent i! May i just add its also amazing that i now have an good job, control of my own money, online banking!!! oh and im learning to drive..

2 fingers up too him!

I forgot my amazing dp, he really is amazing

Right im going now, no really i am

I left my first DH when I realised that in addition to the EA and alcoholism her was trying to shag my best friend who was my bridesmaid.

I left London and moved to a little village in the area I had been trying to move to for years and started my dream job.

Two months later I met my now DH and we have a DD.

My life is what I always dreamed of instead of a sad and lonely shell.

about 7 years here
he cheated with a younger woman I was paying to iron his shirts (mug)
one night he came in from pub and there was no milk in fridge, he accused me of hiding it under bed and hurled furniture everywhere. He told everyone we knew I was mad and an alcoholic. Most of them believed him, even though he was the one in the pub. He was violent once and I was scared of him.
I was pregnant with dd2 and my dad was undiagnosed but very ill. Each weekend I'd drive to my dad's with ds1 knowing ex would invite his gf to our house while I was away. When my father was dying he insisted on watching the end of football before collecting ds from me. That was the final straw of the whole haystack.
When I first left dd was a baby and ds was a toddler. I lived in my father's house while it sold. I sold stuff at bootsales for cash for groceries. I remember fantasising about crashing my car, but dc kept me going.
I started writing. I moved house. I made some really good, loyal friends. I enrolled ds in school and volunteered there. I got a job as a TA and retrained as a teacher.
My life now is fantastic. I co-parent amicably with ex, in fact we played French cricket in the park with dc today on an access visit. I love my job and the company of genuine friends. I holiday alone and with dc and help out at festivals in the summer, which I really enjoy. I feel confident and happy in my own skin. I am writing a novel I really believe in. The sky's the limit!
He wasn't an awful man but we were awful together. I know leaving was the right thing and what I went through has made me really strong. I am no longer afraid of what life may throw at me because I know that somehow I will cope.

I'm lurking on that thread, Ledkr and hoped you'd start this thread when it was mentioned.

Have read through some of the posts, which are inspiring and giving me hope. Have not read them all yet as I am saving some for the next time I need a little dose of strength!

I told H I wanted to separate 12 weeks ago. I have already been surprised once or twice by that strange emotion called happiness! We are still in the same house, though, and he is fighting this all the way.

[Thanks] everyone and keep them coming!

Thank you ledkr

I split with XH in 2001, divorced him in 2003.

XH was a troubled, abusive alcoholic. I only started making tracks after the second time he threatened me with a hammer. I can't imagine why I didn't ditch him the first time.

In no particular chronological order: He stole my money. He convinced me everyone hated me. He convinced me I was mad (and succeeded in convincing some of the people around me). He lied, lied, lied and lied again. He humiliated me in front of our friends. Locked me out of the house, screamed in my face for hours (once for carrying tampons in my handbag when it wasn't my period), kept me awake, threatened my family. Smashed up the house, went missing for days. May have cut my phone wires at the house I had when I left. Stalked me by phone and would not leave me alone.

The turning point was when I called the police on him - he'd turned up drunk at my house and wouldn't leave. They said they were going to take him home, instead they dropped him in the countryside miles away. When he phoned me the next day I couldn't stop laughing at him and started to realise he wasn't all-powerful. I went to the police and he was given a caution for harrassment.

In the years since, I've bought (and sold) a house, had a career, holidays, friends. I have a new(ish) DH who is gentle, kind and not abusive. I am at university as a mature student and have loads more fun and confidence. Life is generally pretty good :)

Best of all, I'm not scared of anyone. It's a great feeling.

this is exactly what i need to read... tonight i am rock bottom!!! but hopefully tomorrow can be yet another fresh start. my wonderful husband met his tart on 22nd june and left us on 28 june!!! he came back then i kicked him out. feeling low but you are all doing me good xx

Hugs piggy. You will not just survive you will thrive.

It's almost 2 years since my ex left. Now I can watch what I want on tv without being told I am watching shit. Even though he liked to watch it too! I can read whatever newspaper I want without being told it's just a comic. I can have my hair however I want, wear whatever clothes I want. No-one to criticise me. It's great. Financially I am in deep shit. I will get through it. He doesn't support us (3 kids, grown up but still living with me) at all. He is such a waste of space. Can't believe I spent 20 years trying to make it work. He is "of no fixed abode." That's not good. What a shame. My heart bleeds. He has a good job but spends all his money on alcohol. At least I'm not subsidising his drinking now. Hope he rots in hell.

Lovely to hear from some of the Dumplings those were great threads!

I was Little House back when I left my EA XH in 2010.
I was anxious and angry and afraid at first but good friends and counselling have restored my natural easygoing optimism.
I am now settled and happy in the lovely house I rent and my 3 DC are thriving and happy going between me and XH.

I have a lovely DP who has taught me a new energetic sport and I am fitter than I have been in years. Work is great and my confidence is at an all time high. One day I might share a house with him too but I love my sanctuary!

Thank you.
My LTP left me and our DC , 2 weeks ago. I'm still in shock and its hard to see any future. I feel like I have no self esteem and on the wrong side of 40 now, I worry about the future.
Your stories have helped.

Big hugs to all who need them. xxx

I think the most important thing for me has been the effect leaving had on my son. He was 5 at the time and had witnessed some of the violence. He was subjected to it once - two days before we left for good. He is now in his twenties. He has grown up to be hard working, respectful of women (he has been in a long term relationship for 4 years) and a good cook etc...He has seen what a normal, loving family looks like and he has responded to that as that being his aim too.

His relationship with his dad- which has been manipulative and unsupportive - finally broke down last year and they are no longer in contact. A small part of me is happy about that. Maybe not the most mature or adult response, but a tiny payback for all the years he terrorised us and caused pain.

I am so glad I have came accross this post as I am struggling 3 years on, its the guilt. I have posted on here this morning but havnt had any reply, maybe I didnt make sense in what I posted but just needed a little support. All of your stories are different to mine and reading what some of you ladies had to deal with is very sad and Im glad things are so much better for you :)
My husband didnt cheat, didnt drink, but I left him and I cant move on from missing what it should of been :(

It's been nearly 4 years for me. I swear I am a totally different person - more confident, FAR more assertive, I have interests that don't revolve around babies or TV (okay I still love TV but I like MY TV, not some somebody else has chosen!). I am a teacher now, something I never thought I would really do, I am moving abroad(!!!!!) in 3 weeks which is amazing and so exciting. I feel confident in my own appearance because I got glasses that I like, and a haircut which I love - it's much shorter than XP would have approved of.

Despite struggling with DS on my own I am now with somebody who makes me feel strong and like we could raise a small army of children together. He has pushed me and supported me through everything, work, study, parenting. He loves DS like his own, and he makes me proud with the wonderful things he does for us, and for himself.

I have been on holidays on my own and trips down to London on my own - amazing feeling to just arrange the childcare and go, not have to ask permission, explain where I'm going or justify anything at all.

XP 4 years down the line looks old and tired, his life seems to be getting more and more awful by the day and occasionally a friend and I nose on his facebook profile and laugh at him He hasn't bothered to see DS in 2 years now and when he heard we were moving abroad decided he wants nothing more to do with him. His loss.

I said to DP recently that he probably wouldn't have been attracted to the person I was when I was with XP and I think it's true - so all of those people holding on because they are afraid of never finding anything better, well, you definitely won't find it holed up in that relationship.

I am also far less tolerant of other people's bad relationships and really have to check myself when my cousin was upset recently following an argument with her bf I came very close to saying LTB and when she got defensive I had to backtrack and say I'm sorry, I'm being unfair. He isn't that bad. And it's true, he's an alright guy, he isn't that bad. But "not that bad" isn't good enough for me any more. I would, genuinely, rather be alone - the freedom is soooo worth it! And with a proper, healthy relationship you get that freedom, in fact, more than freedom, enthusiasm for the things you want to do rather than criticism and "concern" constantly.

jesscakes you obviously had your reasons to leave though?
If it helps I did have a lot of guilt especially when I made the decision not to have him back.
I felt I was destroying my children's lives just because it was better for me but then I remembered he'd not been a great father for years and made me so unhappy it would affect the children anyway.
Ill look for your thread x

Thats the thing it was better for you and your children in the long run. Im not sure if it is for us? The only way I can explain my life is I wasnt living. Due to a not so nice upbringing I had no self confidence, no get up and go and thats because I didnt know how, I honestly look at myself today and think oh my god where have you been for the last 20 years. I left because I thought my marriage was holding me back but it was myself holding me back it just took me leaving to find me, if that makes sense. As I was forced into changing and growing into a better person, allowing myself to be heard, seen. Its so difficult to explain. My thread is I cant get over my marriage break up. Thanks :)