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Original poster

Feeling excluded

48 replies

Rugbycomet · 09/08/2013 09:27

Bit of background.....DH works in one country and I live in another. It's an unusual set up but it mostly works.

Middle DS lives with DH and after a year of finishing uni has just secured a job!!! We are both so pleased and proud of him. However, DS has sworn DH to secrecy about his salary. DH will not tell me what it is.

I feel very miffed. It's not that I'm nosy, well just a tadge, but I would like to be able to discuss with hubby what is reasonable to ask from DS as housekeeping. I do not think it should use be down to DH saying x amount when he has the full facts in front of him and I do not.

Am I being over sensitive about this??? DH says I am.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 09/08/2013 09:35

Why won't he tell you? Sorry, but that is strange and disrespectful to you...both the not telling you and the swearing your Ds to secrecy!

TobyLerone · 09/08/2013 09:37

Why do you need to know? I'm sure your DH can figure out what to ask from him as housekeeping.

It's quite normal not to discuss salary with people.

Cherriesarelovely · 09/08/2013 09:39

I don't mean that it is essential that you should know but I do think it is extremely odd and divisive to actively seek to keep it a secret from your spouse.

Original poster
Rugbycomet · 09/08/2013 10:34

Yes...it's not essential that I know...I guess DH is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 09/08/2013 11:02

I don't see your spouse as "people" though. I actually couldn't tell you exactly what my DP earns likewise for her but if I wanted to know she would tell me, why not?

Suelford · 09/08/2013 11:07

I think there's some confusion here - the husband isn't keeping his salary secret, he is keeping his son's salary secret, at the request of his son.

OP, I think you should trust your DH to be able to calculate a fair amount for housekeeping by himself, especially since you aren't even in that house.

Andro · 09/08/2013 15:36

Why do you need to know?

I note the OP said 'middle son' - perhaps OP is concerned about being able to treat her other children equally (in terms of percentages/numerical amounts/whatever) if they are earning and living t home? It would be pretty unfair if she set housekeeping at 1/3rd of salary but her DH set it at 10% for example (or she set it at £100/month and DH at £250/month!).

Vivacia · 09/08/2013 15:53

I don't think your husband should have agreed to keep a secret from you.

Do you have any idea why your son wouldn't want you to know but doesn't mind his dad knowing?

Original poster
Rugbycomet · 09/08/2013 16:10

My son is very secretive because he doesn't want twenty questions all the time!! He's always been this way.

I agree that my DH shouldn't have agreed to keep it a secret but that's a whole different thread!!

As I said earlier...DH is now caught in the middle!!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/08/2013 16:12

Does he have reason to think that you'd subject him to 20 questions?

luvmy4kids · 09/08/2013 16:15

Your son is being childish and selfish, I'd be very upset for someone so close to deliberately keep a secret from you, irrelevant the secret and the gravity of it. It almost seems like it's be done just to hurt you.

Viking1 · 09/08/2013 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alanna1 · 09/08/2013 16:26

If you care that much, call a headhunter in the industry your son is in and ask the ballpark amount. Or look online. My guess would be that it is either v low or v high and he doesn't want any comments?

Maryz · 09/08/2013 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 09/08/2013 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenSkittles · 09/08/2013 16:56

I would let it go. I don't know how much any of my loved ones earn, it doesn't affect anything. And as your DH knows, he can set the right amount of board, maybe that's the only reason your DS told him. He's entitled to privacy.

NatashaBee · 09/08/2013 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuppyMonkey · 09/08/2013 17:16

You could always say: "Right, I want £150 a week for housekeeping."

And the DS will probably say: "that's not fair, I only earn £175 a week."

Voila. Job's a good 'un.Grin

Viking1 · 09/08/2013 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariaLuna · 09/08/2013 20:55

It's quite normal not to discuss salary with people.

Yes, indeed.

But not when it's your mum who I presumed gave birth to you and brought you up?!

must be missing something in this thread

TobyLerone · 09/08/2013 20:57

I've never discussed my salary with my mum.

geologygirl · 09/08/2013 21:07

I have always discussed my salary with my parents. Im close to them and value their opinion. They raised me! Seems like your son respects his father enough to tell him....but doesn't feel the same respect for you.

TobyLerone · 09/08/2013 21:51

I'm close to my mum and value her opinion. I still don't discuss my salary with her. It's nothing to do with respect.

Vivacia · 09/08/2013 22:00

I agree with Toby, I think it's fairly unusual in the UK to discuss your salary with anyone but your partner.

Nanny0gg · 10/08/2013 13:12

I know what my DCs earn and so does my DH.

If they didn't want us to know that would be fine, but telling one of us and deliberately keeping it from the other would not be fine.

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