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Original poster

Feeling excluded

48 replies

Rugbycomet · 09/08/2013 09:27

Bit of background.....DH works in one country and I live in another. It's an unusual set up but it mostly works.

Middle DS lives with DH and after a year of finishing uni has just secured a job!!! We are both so pleased and proud of him. However, DS has sworn DH to secrecy about his salary. DH will not tell me what it is.

I feel very miffed. It's not that I'm nosy, well just a tadge, but I would like to be able to discuss with hubby what is reasonable to ask from DS as housekeeping. I do not think it should use be down to DH saying x amount when he has the full facts in front of him and I do not.

Am I being over sensitive about this??? DH says I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rugbycomet · 10/08/2013 13:14

Nanny0g....my sentiments exactly!!

OP posts:
Thymeout · 10/08/2013 20:27

You say your son is very secretive and doesn't want 20 questions all the time. Sounds as if you may have yourself to blame for him confiding in his father but not you.

Just back off a bit. He is an adult and has a right to privacy.

mrspaddy · 10/08/2013 20:32

I have never told my parents what I earn.
Just work out a price for housekeeping that is fair based on groceries/bills and rent for the room.

However, I think it is unfair one of you know. I don't agree with that.

geologygirl · 10/08/2013 21:50

It has everything to do with respect toby. The fact that he has told his father but wants to keep it secret from his mother is disrespectful and downright rude. You should be open with your parents and vice versa. His parents brought him into this world. ...why should his salary and other minor details of his life be kept secret? Bizarre.

Maryz · 10/08/2013 22:04

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Viking1 · 10/08/2013 22:06

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Maryz · 10/08/2013 22:07

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TheNewSchmoo · 10/08/2013 22:12

I didn't tell my Mum anything I didn't want the whole street and the rest of the family to know.....

TobyLerone · 10/08/2013 22:22

Maryz has the right of it, as is so often the case.

purrpurr · 10/08/2013 22:24

Schmo, that's my reading of it. My mum and my MIL for that matter use information almost as currency to exchange on street corners with Ethel from number 97 who has just had a hip replacement don't you know dear and honesty I don't get this endless practically vampiric thirst for information from kids, particularly adult ones. And I take great umbrage with this totally unreasonable and arrogant believe that because you spat a human out, it means you own that human, have rights to all important information in their lives, and they owe you one. Right. Because presumably it is their fault that you had unprotected sex. I just don't get it. I'm a new parent and whenever I am tired because of the endless evenings of colic I just tell myself it's not a party for my daughter either and she didn't ask to be here, we desperately wanted her. I hope I don't forget that.

Maryz · 10/08/2013 22:26

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Maryz · 10/08/2013 22:28

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TobyLerone · 10/08/2013 22:48

Mad indeed.

Purrpurr, you are doing it right.

NorksAreMessy · 10/08/2013 22:54

Well, of I am ever told a 'secret' by DD or DS, I always say 'you do know that I am going to tell your father, don't you?' and they sort of roll their eyes a bit and say 'yeeeeeeesssss'. BUT we all know that telling one of us is the same as telling both of us.

That is the root of he problem here, there is a 'divide and conquer' thing going on which is unpleasant.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/08/2013 22:55

No fucking way on God's green earth would I tell my mum how much I earn. She is nosy and judgy and I love her dearly. I wouldn't tell my dad probably either, but that is just because he is pathologically unable to keep his mouth shut so it would kind of defeat the purpose of not telling my mum.

Plus London salaries are slightly insane compared to where I grew up and also to where my brother lives now and they would get the wrong impression.

100% agree with the posters who are saying that children can (and should) confide in one parent without the other knowing. DD1 is only 9 and there are already things that I am keeping from DH.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/08/2013 22:58

Norks, some things I agree, I would have to share with DH, say if DD1 was being bullied or something, or looking at inappropriate websites or something. But in that case I would make it completely clear to her that I was not making a promise not to tell.

KeatsiePie · 10/08/2013 23:02

Here is my guess: he thinks you will think the job doesn't pay enough, or is unworthy of him in some other way, when you find out the salary. He foresees you saying things like "well it's not as if they paid you decently" when he is asked to stay late/go in on his day off/etc. He wants to avoid all that. He thinks that his dad will understand that he wants the job for xyz reasons even though the pay is low, but that you will not understand.

I don't mean this to sound like you in fact wouldn't understand, this is just what I am imagining he is thinking.

Original poster
Rugbycomet · 11/08/2013 07:19

Of course there have been situations where the children have asked me not to tell their father. I haven't and he hasn't known about them. This I feel is slightly different in the sense that I Know about the situation and have been deliberately excluded. That makes me sound as though I am sitting here sulking about it which I'm not. It was just a genuine feeling wondering if it is right or not.

I guess there is no correct answer.

Thanks for all your replies....by interesting reading.

OP posts:
bragmatic · 11/08/2013 07:23

I don't either. Nor do I live with her or pay board.

JustinBsMum · 11/08/2013 07:49

I don't know exactly what any of my DCs earn, could give a rough guess. And I wouldn't set housekeeping at a fraction of their earnings I would set it at something that covers the bills but allows them to save.

Suelford · 11/08/2013 16:38

Setting housekeeping as a fraction of their earnings would be bizarre, does toilet paper cost a lot more if a rich person is using it?

TobyLerone · 11/08/2013 17:51

Setting housekeeping as a fraction of their earnings would be bizarre, does toilet paper cost a lot more if a rich person is using it?

That, Suelford, is an incredibly valid point.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/08/2013 18:06

My toilet paper is diamond studded with a solid gold holder.

it really hurts

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