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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He was on his last chance, he blew it. Do I stay or do I go?

37 replies

LastChanceBlown · 08/08/2013 14:55

NC for obvious reasons

I have been with DH for 16 years and we have 3 young children.

In the past we've had issues with 'inappropriate' behaviour on the internet/phone (his, not mine). When he was on FB, he was commenting on pictures of women in their underwear. When I confronted him, he deleted his account and swore it wouldn't happen again.

I've seen suspicious texts on his phone to two different women, both within our circle of friends. Each time he's come up with a barely plausible excuse and I've stayed. The last time I told him that if he gave me reason to doubt him again we were over. This was a couple of months ago.

Last week he tried emailing some woman off the internet with a message from a nickname, just saying 'hi how are you?' His first message didn't go through as the address was wrong so he tried again a couple of days later to a slightly different address. From what I can see, she has posted on a dating site and he's got her address from there. I can't find a profile set up in the nickname he used though.

From what I can see, he's blown his last chance. There's obviously no respect on his part and no trust on mine. I haven't confronted him yet. Why am I not more angry? I don't feel anything. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

ClassyAsALannister · 08/08/2013 14:58

He has no respect for you right now. And if you give him another chance that certainly won't improve. But I think you know that anyway. Sorry

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2013 14:59

What do you get from this relationship now?.

No trust = no relationship.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 08/08/2013 15:00

Surely you know the answer?

runningonwillpower · 08/08/2013 15:00

I'm all in favour of one chance.

If you forgive or overlook the second chance, aren't you kind of giving permission?

Mabelface · 08/08/2013 15:01

He has blown his last chance. He didn't take you seriously, thinking he'd get away with it all again, because he has in the past. Time for the door for him.

Bluecarrot · 08/08/2013 15:01

You obviously dont trust him much if you are checking up on him. Do you want to stay in a relationship where you feel do distrustful?

I doubt it. Start thinking about what you want to happen next and be clear about it so that you can speak your mind to him without waivering. DO you have any adult support around you?

Gruntfuttocks · 08/08/2013 15:02

You gave him an ultimatum, he's blown it. You feel numb because you knew this would be the outcome eventually, and you've already accepted that the marriage is over. His choice.
Remain calm and just tell him it's over, as per your previous conversation. Tell him to go. That's it.
Sorry

ClassyAsALannister · 08/08/2013 15:04

He can hardly be surprised, can he? You did warn him after all. Decided what you want from here and don't waver on it. If you think you will then get some space but I'd let him know it is over regardless.

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 08/08/2013 15:05

You don't trust him
He doesn't respect you
No relationship

Do you think you don't feel anything because you knew it was coming?
It must be quite a relief not to be waiting for him to blow his last chance.

I'm sorry hes putting you through this but life will really be so much better without waiting for the next sordid escapade.

I hope he thinks it was worth it, stupid, stupid man.

Onesleeptillwembley · 08/08/2013 15:07

He sounds like a creepy perv. Why are you still with him at all?

Original poster

LastChanceBlown · 08/08/2013 15:08

Thank you everyone, I know you're right

I suppose part of me was hoping that we meant more to him than that. It just seems such a trivial thing for him to throw his family away over.

I don't trust him and it's slowly been eating away at us.

I need to be absolutely clear and definite when I confront him He always manages to twist it round onto me and get me confused. Not this time.

Luckily, I have a lot of family support nearby. I know if it came down to it, we could go and live with my parents but I think it would be easier if he just went. It would be tough financially but no more so than it is now.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 08/08/2013 15:10

There are no excuses for what he's been doing. Keep repeating that phrase in your head when he's trying to twist things. In fact, just keep repeating it to him.

ClassyAsALannister · 08/08/2013 15:10

Surely it's better to be worse off financially but not in a relationship with someone who doesn't value it or respect it?

Sorry But it sounds like you know what you've got to do. Good luck!

ClassyAsALannister · 08/08/2013 15:10

^ and there's nothing to twist. Sounds like this is all on him and he was lucky to have the chances he's had.

Original poster

LastChanceBlown · 08/08/2013 15:18

Classy, I'm not too worried about finances as they are bad now anyway. Sorry that probably wasn't clear.

I'm scared of confronting him. I'm scared of the first few days.

Thank you all so much for the support and advice.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 08/08/2013 15:19

You'll feel much better knowing that you're not going to be walked over and cheated on. x

ClassyAsALannister · 08/08/2013 15:21

Well MN is always here if you need help staying on the straight and narrow and hopefully you've got someone you can talk to about this in RL?

And I know it sounds obvious but it will get easier. It won't feel as raw as it does at first for as long as you imagine. You might be surprised at how nice it is not to be worry about the same old issue after a few weeks!

Original poster

LastChanceBlown · 08/08/2013 15:26

Thank you. I usually talk to my sister but she's on holiday at the moment

OP posts:

Jan45 · 08/08/2013 15:51

Stay strong, you know yourself this is not going to work, not with you putting in the effort and 2 months later him up to his old tricks; you deserve a man that will cherish you, not going behind your back at every opportunity to sleaze over some random woman.

Original poster

LastChanceBlown · 08/08/2013 17:19

Thank you Jan. I think I know deep down that nothing is going to change. This isn't the example I want to set for our children.

I'm worried about how he's going to react. If he storms out he will drive like an idiot, I don't want him to do anything stupid.

We've been together since we were teenagers so the thought of being by myself is scary and yet it's kind of exciting at the same time

OP posts:

StraightJacket · 08/08/2013 17:20

Good luck OP, you definitely need to kick the waste of space to the kerb! I would bet my last quid that within just a week, you will feel stronger and like a weight has been lifted.

And remember, there are loads of ladies here at any given time willing to listen and offer advice.

arsenaltilidie · 08/08/2013 17:27

Fool me once...

tallwivglasses · 08/08/2013 17:28

Don't be embarrassed, OP, it is exciting. Before all you had to look forward to was checking up on a 'D'H who was gradually eroding any respect you once had for him. Now - the world's your oyster!

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 08/08/2013 17:29

and another

Trigglesx · 08/08/2013 17:33

Don't let yourself get drawn into his behaviour. How he reacts and how he behaves/drives afterwards are his own issues. You cannot live your life worrying about whether or not he will do something stupid and injure himself. He is an adult, leave him to it. He'll either act like an adult or he won't. Either way, he'll be the one dealing with the consequences. It's this type of behaviour that can often reel you back in - feeling responsible for him because he's irresponsible. Don't let it suck you in.

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