He was on his last chance, he blew it. Do I stay or do I go?

[LastChanceBlown]

NC for obvious reasons

I have been with DH for 16 years and we have 3 young children.

In the past we've had issues with 'inappropriate' behaviour on the internet/phone (his, not mine). When he was on FB, he was commenting on pictures of women in their underwear. When I confronted him, he deleted his account and swore it wouldn't happen again.

I've seen suspicious texts on his phone to two different women, both within our circle of friends. Each time he's come up with a barely plausible excuse and I've stayed. The last time I told him that if he gave me reason to doubt him again we were over. This was a couple of months ago.

Last week he tried emailing some woman off the internet with a message from a nickname, just saying 'hi how are you?' His first message didn't go through as the address was wrong so he tried again a couple of days later to a slightly different address. From what I can see, she has posted on a dating site and he's got her address from there. I can't find a profile set up in the nickname he used though.

From what I can see, he's blown his last chance. There's obviously no respect on his part and no trust on mine. I haven't confronted him yet. Why am I not more angry? I don't feel anything. I don't know what to do.

It's important that you don't doubt yourself when you tackle him - no 'from what I can see' - that leaves a door open for him to twist and wriggle. He knew the score - 'if you give me reason to doubt you, it's over' - and I imagine he made some kind of promise not to, or you'd have left then? So, the score now is - you have found evidence that he is messaging women again, so, as previously discussed, this is the end of the road for your marriage. No further discussion about ifs buts and maybes. It's too late for those.

Last chance and blown it doesn't equal yet another last chance in my book!

Men can be simple creatures. Like a toddler if you say 'do x again and you won't have sweets' yet they get them anyway, they won't take you seriously. Your word is final. The last chance is the last chance. You think he doesn't respect you now? It'll be even less if you let this slide.

I have no intention of staying together now. I'm just worried. Is there anyway I can just fast forward through the difficult part?

I just need to keep reminding myself that he did this, not me. I might be the one actually ending it but it's not my fault.

I'm not even going to read the thread. I'm not even going to read the OP. I've only read the title.

Sorry ti have to shout but IT WAS HIS LAST CHANCE, DO YOU EVEN NEED TO ASK?

last chance, it's actually him that ended it, he knew the consequences and did it anyway.

The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can get on with your life. It'll suck to start with, but there's a whole world out there...

Before you blow the whistle on him, get your ducks in a row (if you can bear to)

• check your bank account, if joint make sure you have enough money in cash to last a few weeks. Start your own account if you don't have one.

• get your self a seperate credit card if you have a joint one. Make sure the joint one is paid off from the joint account before you leave and get your name taken off it asap.

-take copies of all certificates, bank account details, pension plans etc you have jointly or he in his own.

• petty as it may sound make sure you have done a big shop so all the cupboards are full for you & the DC's. Ditto new shoes, coats etc for back to school. (All stuff you would be doing anyway if you were still together)

Many a STBEx has emptied the accounts on the way out the door so best be prepared, sorry if that sounds cynical.

Do you own or rent your home?

Go & see a few solicitors for a free half hours advice. If you go to two or three it will give you an idea of the choice & you can choose one you feel comfortable with. You will have the additional satisfaction of knowing they will be unable to act for him should he approach them!

Bloody awful time for you but you WILL get through it & WILL be happy again, you deserve better.

Thank you for the great advice MMB.

We use a joint account although there is very little in it. We are due a couple of payments next week. I have already set up my own account that he's not aware of, just need to request new pin as I've forgotten it (can you tell we've been here before)

Will do a big shop ASAP, most stuff for kids is sorted but will switch CB and TC to my account ASAP.

I'll take copies of the paperwork, I've already got the originals in a separate file. We don't have any joint credit cards. The house is mortgaged in both our names.

I had a quick look on entitledto.com and I think I might be able to afford to stay by myself. It will be tough at first bit I think my parents might be able to help.

At first I thought about leaving. We aren't in the area I want to stay in and my family is slightly further away than I'd like but I don't want to uproot the kids. They're 4, 3 and 1 so they have their school and nursery places sorted.

He's at work now so won't really get to talk to him until tomorrow night.

Good work. Reading a horrible thread where the now ex has absolutely rinsed OP and DC in a matter of days. Being prepared is def the best advice.

A last chance is a last chance, right ?

I read on here over and over again about women who give fuckwitted men countless "last chances"

Don't say it if you don't mean it, or else it is meaningless and a green light to carry on treating you like shit

have you seen olgaga's brilliant blog about how to separate, protect yourself and stay sane ? here

Aha that's who I was trying to think of AF thank you.....

LCB olgaga's list of advice & links is brilliant.

Nothing really useful to add but im slightly further diwn the same rad. I thought hard about his behaviour ( not same as your partners) and decided there was no point in an ultimatum if i didnt do it. Sat down , had the big discussion, all went badly, everything got twisted round to be my fault or my bad communication or my something else so i took dd and left. Just got the keys to my new rented flat, have a fabulous solicitor and think STBXH is just realising im not going back, not patching it up and actually really do mean what i said. Sad it had to come to this but im much happier now than a month ago and you will be too