Making him love me again

[RubysDaughter]

Last year I discovered my DH had been "sexting" a so called friend of mine. Devastation, heartbreak and shock were all rolled into one and I never ever saw it coming. I was so happy before I found out and thought we were happy. He called it a "Buzz". He said it just "happened"
That was a year ago and my God its been hard. I have been walking on eggshells since then and all I have wanted is him to love me like he used to. He says that he wasnt happy. Now he says he loves me but deep down he is not happy and he cannot tell me me why as he doesnt know why he feels this way. I can dry at the drop of a hat. Even thought I am on the verge of breaking down at times but I have kept strong and live in hope.
He always text me he loved me. That stopped when all this came out
Then he started texting me again these last few months telling me he loved me only when I told him I loved him
I crave his reassurance that we are going to be okay but as a result of me constantly looking for this reassurance, last night culminated in a very honest chat with him saying that his head is pounding with me "keeping on" I am devastated but I can see what he means. I just want him to show me affection but being a "blokes bloke" they dont always do that do they. So I told him I understand. Told him that I will back off and chill which I will. He understands me being suspicious about his mobile phone, he also understands my need to know where he is all the time BUT I seriously need to calm down otherwise I will lose him. Three lovely grown up children and a long happy marriage was the norm until this floosy started texting him as her marriage was broken down. Men get their heads turned, I get that, but the hurt and desperation left behind is just truly heartbreaking.
I feel relieved in a way today when I woke up as I now know what I have to do. Be calm and just get back on with life. But I know I will always feel worried. I just know it.

So, he was unfaithful, he isn't happy, but you being understandably upset is doing his head in, and you're having to walk on eggshells. Can I ask what you feel you'll get out of this marriage? Because what you're getting at the moment (no affection, having to walk on eggshells, being subjected to victim blaming) doesn't seem like a reason to calm down to me. It sounds like a reason to go completely ballistic and tell him to shape up or ship out.

He's had his head turned by a floozy?

You can't make someone love you. Your only answer is to walk away, as he doesn't love you.

I think you should have a think and think where your strengths and talents and interests lie. Pursue them, it'll make you happier, it'll take your mind off second guessing what he is thinking all the time and mean you are less needy (if that's what he feels you are).

Then hopefully you will more strength to come together on more equal terms.

So he was the one who was unfaithful but it is you who are having to change your behaviour so that you don't "do" his head in ??? Unfortunately, you cannot "make" someone love you, it shouldn't be that difficult. I don't think I could be in a relationship that was like that.

What? All that man's man stuff and the myth of the 'siren' that leads them astray is just utter wank that they use to get away with it blame free.

She shouldn't of texted him, obviously but he certainly sounds like he knew what he was doing

What do you get out of this? You can't make someone love you, that defeats the whole point of it & is horrible for you.

No, no, no, no. You don't have to change to make him love you, he needs to reassure you that he loves you and regain your trust. You've not done anything wrong, it's down to him. He should be grovelling at your feet to ask for your forgiveness, not huffing and puffing and telling you that he doesn't know what he wants. Hold your head up high and walk away, keep your dignity and your pride. He doesn't deserve you, you're way better than he is.

he understands me being suspicious about his mobile phone, he also understands my need to know where he is all the time BUT I seriously need to calm down otherwise I will lose him

No - what he doesn't understand is that if he was truly sorry he would understand your insecurity and reassure you at every opportunity and take the snooping on the chin. Actions speak louder than words and he isn't doing either instead he is choosing to toy with your emotions and keep you hanging on a shoe string.

All men do not get their heads turned as they are not controlled by their dicks, your DH obviously keeps what little brain he has in his pants.

Blokes Bloke Snort - an immature paramecium then?

I feel relieved in a way today when I woke up as I now know what I have to do
Embrace this and take control - there is a whole other life out there and with grown up kids the world is your oyster.

He was unfaithful but you aren't allowed an opinion on that because it will do his head in?

So what else is usually your fault?

You are dependent on him, this is not love. You are addicted to a relationship which is destroying your self worth, personality and esteem.

You cannot make someone love you.

He has shown you repeatedly he neither loves nor respects you.

He just wants a cushy life now to be able to do as he pleases with no come backs.

Please find the strength to leave this situation and fill your life with friends, family and new interests. Do this and you will look back and the only regret you will have is that you allowed him to bring you so low.

Rubysdaughter, please understand that nothing you do or don't do or say or don't say will make your husband stay or leave. None of this is your fault.

His decision to engage with anther woman is not your fault. His dissatisfaction with your response to his actions and his careless approach to your feelings and your marriage is not your fault.

You are running in circles and twisting yourself in knots to try and affect his feelings and behaviours and, the fact of the matter is, it is all out of your control.

All you can do is turn your energies towards yourself. Your feelings. Your wants and needs. Your life and future.

What work is he putting into the marriage to make it stronger/better?

Please don't hold the floosy any more responsible than your husband. Men's heads are turned all the time by attractive women, that doesn't mean it's a green light to take it any further than a look and he done it with a friend of yours to boot, double smack in the face.

I know you think you love him, I'm not so sure, once something like this happens in a relationship then it's normally broken beyond repair but don't lose sight of who broke it, it wasn't you or some women that turned him, he had full control of his faculties I'm sure.

Maybe you do need to chill and step back a bit but equally he needs to do his bit, ie, give you reassurance, actually show in his actions that he does love you - doesn't sound like he's doing anything and you're flapping around on eggshells and then he's got a pounding head because of you?

I don't want to hurt your feelings but it looks like he was caught and is pissed off because you won't let him forget it, hardly the actions of a remorseful man.

Separate, at least for a while so you can think better having a future with him.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

You both need to read it.

Grab what little bit of dignity you still have left OP, and LTB.
As for trying to blame the OW, you're kidding yourelf i'm afraid.

Are you sure that she started texting him first? Have you got the whole story here?

I can only agree with other posters. You have taken the blame for him not being happy and in some perverse way you are trying to make up for the fact that he betrayed you. Instead of apportioning blame onto him you are blaming yourself and the woman who was your friend.

Let me ask you; who betrayed you the most? Your husband or your friend? Who made vows to you in front of an audience? Who made a commitment to you?

Even if she had started texting him, is that all it takes to lead him astray? Could he not have ignored her? You see, she must have known he fancied her for her to have approached him in the first place.

Even a "blokes bloke" knows it is wrong to cheat on your wife, the mother of your children. Being one of the lads is no excuse. He does have half a brain does he not? He is responsible for his actions?

Even if Angelina Jolie were to drape herself over my husband and whisper sweet nothings in his ear I would EXPECT him to walk away. Because he made vows to ME and he has a choice. Just as I would turn away from my fantasy shag because in reality I also chose my husband above any other.

Your husband is telling you that he no longer loves you. Well, no, he isn't telling you because he's a coward but he's giving you some pretty big hints that you just aren't taking. The more he hints the more desperate you become.

He should be doing everything in his power to make it up to you. He should be showering you with affection, apologising over and over, suggesting counselling, whisking you off on romantic breaks - in short he betrayed you and he is the one who needs to not only take full responsibility for that but also to save his marriage. He's not doing that which sadly means that he doesn't want to save it.

You are the only one who thinks there is something to save but really, you are flogging a dead horse. The way he allows you to blame yourself for his actions says it all. You are doing all the running and for what?

You will never get back what you thought you once had because it never existed. Clearly he was unhappy before and that cannot be resolved because he is unhappy with you as his wife. I'm sorry but that's the way it seems. Only he's too cowardly to tell you that.

I bet if you suggested you both break up he'll be only too keen to get the ball rolling.

Confide in your family, lean on the shoulder of a friend and accept that this is probably the end of the road for you both. You did your best which is more than he did. You are not to blame for his actions or his choices. You cannot and should not change who you are for anyone. They either accept you or they fuck off.

I think you might need some counselling to come to terms with this and to raise your self esteem as you sound like someone who is very low on confidence.

Doesn't sound as though you have much to lose OP. He doesn't sound worth keeping to me. Not only does he sext other women, he indulges in victim blaming and shows no remorse from what you've told us.

I agree with the other posters: labelling the other woman a 'floozy' and arguing that men can't help themselves is total bollocks I'm afraid. Not all men are ruled by their dicks. They can 'help it' and many of them do.

I hate to say this but he has done you up like a kipper. Time for a light bulb moment and at least a temporary parting of ways.

Rhubarb says it all (and very eloquently).

He wants you to back off and chill so he can start playing away again.

Get rid.

i'm so sorry, but I don't think you can 'make him ' love you again. you need to stop focusing on him and start focusing on yourself x

What the Fuck happened to you in your formative years that made you possess so little self respect ?

It must have been something really bad to explain such passive, male appeasing, doormat attitudes and behaviours

I can only state what I have found to be true and hope all others come to believe this in future - "being on your own is always better than being with the wrong person who is making you unhappy". Even when kids are involved. Never bend over backwards or walk on eggshells to please or seek approval, it does not work. You will lose self-respect and as importantly you will lose respect from your H.
Men and respect strength of character and independence as opposed to clingyness. Have the resolve to enforce a trial separation and only have him back if he is remorseful and prepared to win 'you' back - not the other way round as is the case now. This dynamic is backwards.

While you're expending every last bit of yourself in trying to "make" him love you again, you are destroying yourself piece by tiny piece - it's not possible to make him love you again, it's nothing to do with you or anything you've said/haven't said/done/haven't done - it's all down to him, this is all his doing.
Have you got daughters? Would you want them turning themselves inside out trying to turn their partners into decent, loving men?

He should be the one who's been working on the marriage, doing eveything to keep you after treating you so appallingly.

The biggest favour you can do yourself is to understand that this isn't "men being men" or any such stereotyped garbage, this is one self absorbed and entitled man watching you destroy yourself trying to keep him.

Oh, and the OW isn't to blame for this, appalling as her behaviour was - he responded to her - this is about him, his selfishness, his inadequacy.

Rhubarbsaid it all. And what Bela said too.

Wake up OP, this man does not deserve you and is a complete and utter prick. Do not settle for this when you can have so much better and be so much happier!

I'm going to go against the tide here... You've been married a long time, I wouldn't throw that away until everything has been done to save it. It sounds at the moment that you are living as strangers, going through the motions of a relationship.

I think you need to go out more, go out for a drink with friends, join social/sports clubs, you don't have children to tie you down. This has knocked your confidence and you need to remember that you are a person outside of your couple. Doing things on your own will increase your confidence. Your DP will notice this. He'll either remember the you he met and fell in love with, or you'll have the strength to go and find someone that will make you happy.

Hope it works out for you.

Fifi669 I pretty much agree, in my earlier post, I thought the OP should concentrate attention more to interests / talents rather than stress about the state of the relationship to regain her own self confidence.

I too think it would be a shame to just 'throw' away a relationship. Guilt can do funny things to people, it is such an uncomfortable feeling, it is understandable (although I would stress not at all right) that the husband tries to divert some of the blame and push the attention away from his own shoddy actions.

However they have had a relationship (& I presume happy enough) for a long time and they did fall in love and have children together. Worth another go.....