Broke, I will have to go back and read everything thoroughly but, for now, I want to add to the chorus of voices singing "it's not you, it's him".
Both of my marriages were what would be called 'volatile'. They were full of rows, screaming, crying, angry silences, things being thrown and things being done behind the other's back. I will not say I gave as much as I got, but I gave plenty and believe I often did start the rows, as my exes said.
Outside of certain relationships, I am a calm, highly reasoned, warm and compassionate individual. I'm a 'persuader' of sorts - debating society; worked in sales - with no fear of rational confrontation. I am not ashamed of my emotions, and trust myself to express them honestly. These things have always been true of me - but I'm having to re-learn them, since my covertly abusive second husband managed to destroy my personality to such an extent that I no longer knew myself.
He did this by sneakily moving the goals of our relationship, so the life I was living didn't actually match the life we had described together (and continued to describe, in public.) I am a 'persuader' - I applied my words and emotions to this problem, expecting him to engage with me in analysis and planning to get us back on track. What he did with this was clever: he answered indirectly, turning my queries into pleas & accusations, then became angry when I got frustrated. It seemed that I was unreasonable, argumentative, demanding ... I could not dispute that I cried, yelled, accused and stormed off.
What I missed, at the time, was the way I readily reviewed my own poor behaviour, while he denied his own. When I asked "What are you angry about?", for example, his reply would be "What's your problem?" He repeatedly cast me as an unstable loon, and, because I am willing to consider criticism, I came to feel he might be right. Consequently, I tried to change myself :(
We often picture the abused as quietly, abjectly or patiently, submitting to verbal, financial or physical blows - like helpless little animals. But think about it: are little animals always submissive? There are four instinctive responses to attack: fight, flee, freeze and fawn. Most of us utilise the full range, but have preferences. The two reactions I most often display are Fight, and Fawn. You can see how this combination would appeal to a certain kind of egotist: he got challenged; he got to engage in 'battle'; and he got to 'win'. Metaphorically bloody but unbowed, he would then crow over my defeat by (metaphorically) leading me around in chains, while I sang his praises. This was in the 'hoovering' cycle, when I'm sorry to say I mistook my secondary fear response - fawning - for overwhelming love 
If you've read this far, you deserve 
and 
with 
and you might also be wondering what changed. Given that he'd persuaded me I was an insecure, erratic loon, I went and got myself a therapist. This therapist taught me to swap my Fight/Fawn responses for something more sophisticated: calm observation. After a couple of months practising that, I started to see How He Did It. I also saw, with a nauseous feeling, that it was all a game to him. He played with me like a cat with a mouse. Just for the ego boost, the bastard.
Apologies for writing so extensively about myself and, if you've read it, thank you! I thought it might be helpful for you to see other women's experiences of being turned to "I'm abusive, too" by abusers who enjoy the power of changing you.