Shared household responsibilities, am I over-sensitive?

[jsmummy]

Maybe I just need a rant...Live with partner, who is not father of my 4yo ds. He is loving and supportive of us and him and is a good "dad" in every way. I have no issue with his treatment of my son. However, at 25yo he is 10 years younger than me and, apart from uni, has never lived with anyone other than his parents (!) until we moved in together a year ago. I am a SAHM and therefore end up doing a lot (most?, probably 80%) of the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, although that is not to say he doesn't help - he does, cooking several nights a week, taking my son out sometimes to give me some time, and occasionally shopping. He works but has a fairly cushy number and is often home at 1pm (and sometimes wants to sleep then for a couple of hours, much to my disgust, since I can't). Anyway, today he volunteered to go to the supermarket and did so, brilliant. But, when he came back he asked me to unpack the shopping. I felt cross because most of the time I do the shopping AND unpack it and there isn't enough room in our kitchen for both people to be in it. Also, I suspected that the real reason he wanted me to do it was so that he could unpack the Playstation 2 he'd just bought. (Oh no! I am living with a child!) He then said that he was stressed by shopping and I took that to mean that he thought I'd had an easy day at home. (Hasn't been too bad, but few tantrums, have put washing on and hung out, which I HATE, have tidied up, hoovered etc etc) I just think for gods sake you don't know you're born, your life is easy, when I go shopping I have a 4yo with me, so f* off!! My period is due soon, am I just pre-menstrual and unreasonable (and I'm entirely open to suggestions on this) or am I justified? BTW he says how dare I get cross with him for being stressed, his feelings are valid etc etc, and I KNOW it's not a competition (who had the worst day?). If no-one replies to this I won't blame them, since it seems so trivial really, but I feel better for getting it off my chest and it does look less of a deal now I've written it down! Roll on my period!

I have to say that the fact your partner does even 20% of the chores sounds pretty good to me! I too am a SAHM and must do 99% of the chores - but my DH does work long hours (leaves home at 7.30 returns 8pm earliest) & often away abroad so, perhaps I am being very old fashioned, I don't expect him to do much housework type stuff when he is home (although I leave the gardening and all typical 'male' stuff to him) - he is great with our son though and, great excitement, I am just off for my first weekend ALONE since having the baby.

Anyway, to get back to your point, I should think that your partner's age has quite a lot to do with it - at 25 you just don't know how much is involved in running a house (even if it is right under your nose!).

If I were you, I'd just be grateful for the 20% - an awful lot of men do even less!

Hello, I hear what you are saying! Had the same type argument last night with my partner (we have a 9 mo. old), and it basically WAS a competition about who has it tougher. We both work full time, yet I handle all of the responsibilities with dd (he loves her to pieces - but spends about 10 minutes with her then has to watch the news while I do everything around the house - which I just bought, because he is absolutely terrible with money and had none - even though we make about the same income. So I hear you. And you know what? Ranting is sometimes such a necessity!

I also know that I can get particularly wild when I am pre-menstrual. I have actually marked the days on a calendar so if I find I am ready to throw a tizzy I have to check to see what day it is! Now, some tizzies are justified (when I have been up since 5:00 a.m. and it is 9:00 p.m. and I have sat down for the first time and he starts complaining about a dirty fridge - that isn't even! he is very hung up on a clean fridge - it is very strange). But I have resolved to wait until that time is over so I am less mental about problems and quick to anger and can discuss them more rationally.

I think that is one of the reasons I am so happy to have found this site - perhaps if I blow off here, I will be less crazed when I am totally exhausted and feel ready to be pushed over the edge.

Also, I think sometimes when we are exhausted and pre-men., we can take things to mean something that they truly don't. So, hang in there, and as you said, roll on...!!!

No, no, you're not oversensitive - well perhaps you are but you're certainly not alone!! I'm in the unusual position of doing exactly the same part time job as my husband (we're teachers and we teach the same classes on different days!) and when i work he stays with our daughter. he certainly does more than any other man i know - but I really do expect as much time for my own things as he does (I don't get it but I still expect it!) and we both expect some kind of minimum cleanliness in the house so we try and work it out and then every so often it all comes flying out of him, how he wants to, basically, be looked after by a younger version of his mother! So then I revert to my childish self too and wail so do I! When in fact I don't really. What a ramble. I have just come out of a spot of atrocious PMT - but at least when pre menstrual I'm focussed!!
yes, ranting and rambling can be important...

I'm a bit worried by the suggestion that we should ever be 'grateful' for men doing a bit of housework. I'm mostly a SAHM too and appreciate that dh works long hours; but the way I see it is that I work exclusively here, (childcare and housework, not to mention freelance work evenings and naptimes) while DH is doing his hours in the office. In the evenings or w/e, when we are both here, there is still work to do in the home and then we share that bit of it, whatever it happens to be. The alternative would be that he comes home and puts his feet up and I run round washing up and getting things ready for the next day, which means his job may be 7.30-6.30, but mine would be 7.30-9-30 ... or 10.30, or 11.30, if he wasn't doing it too! Surely it's a partnership - or should be? Maybe you're more organised than me, Lindy, and get it all done inside 'office hours' so you can relax together!
I'm sure you're right about the age thing, though. I've heard a similar tale from a friend also with a younger man who'd gone straight from home.
Personally, in spite of my hopeful vision of how it should be, I find my Dh can be really good on some occasions and utterly hopeless on others ... tunnel vision over dirt, and a complete inability to clean the gas hob properly (never lifts those twiddly round black bits to clean underneath!) But it's mainly the thinking that he doesn't do and that's 24/7 - the planning ahead, the knowledge that wherever you are, you're always mentally thinking, 'But we have to pick the kids up at 3 so we have to be away from here by 2 ...'; like when we all go out at the w/e and he stands in the hall saying 'are we ready yet?'(note the word 'we' ) while I run past getting changing bags, drinks and snacks, spare clothes, coats, hats, mittens, wellies and favourite toys all loaded up and he twiddles his keys and says 'they won't put their shoes on' ...
Gosh, listen to me rant! And I haven't even got PMT!!

thank you, thank you, I'm not as mad as I thought I was! Bloody hell,why should SHARING the work be such a deal? xxxx to you who replied.Thanks

Inkpen, I completely agree with everything you've said! My dh is "very good" actually, but I do resent the implication that we should be grateful for any little thing they "help" us with. My ds doesn't like to sleep much during the day and as a result I find looking after him plus the household laundry fills the "office hours" up completely. If you had a nanny, you would expect them to be busy all day, without running the household as well. Anyway, lucky for me, dh shares this view, so we negotiate the other stuff! Sorry, jsmummy, but I do think his age has something to do with it! Good luck.

Lindy i dont think that the fact that he is only 25 has anything to do with it,i too am 25 but female and am well aware of what runny a household takes,i think his problem is simply that he is male. Isn't it great when they tell us "i done 'your' washing up" and expect us to be greatful for it or how we look after the kids all day but they 'babysit the kids' for us.

Today, my house has been tidied and vacuumed, the laundry put on, clutter gathered together and tidied up, dishwasher emptied and refilled, and kitchen cleaned, all by my 22 yr old son. I didn't ask him to do it and he didn't tell me he'd done it, so I'm not sure the male factor is relevant, either.

I make no claims that it is due to the wonderful upbringing he's had, as his brother wouldn't dream of doing it! It's just that he doesn't like a messy room and when it gets to a certain level, he clears up. That's fine by me.

SueD Your son sounds wonderful. Can I divorce my dh and marry him?
Iam 27 so he could be my toy boy.
Only joking! But I do think he will make a wonderful husband one day.

jsmummy I think your partner sounds pretty wonderful too. I agree with Lindy that doing 20% of the work is a pretty good. Espesially as he works and you stay at home.
I think he sounds like a gooden and you should hang on to him.

LOL, Callie! He's got a girlfrind atm but I can put you on the waiting list as I'm wanting someone to take him off my hands.

Hi everyone, have come to the conclusion that getting het up about the state of the house is the quickest way to hysteria. I think when I'm feeling pre-menstrual or out of control in any way I want my surroundings to look nice and I can cope less well with any mess. I think I also let what other people think get to me sometimes: my (anally tidy, childless) friend was coming round on Friday and I wanted it to look nice for her! Never used to be like this, used to accept that the house will be a tip until just before ds's bedtime, but so what if we were having a nice time and conversations and he was getting some of my attention. I agree that my dp is a gooden and I should hold on to him...

jsmummy - agree with your comments about feeling less in control of things when the house is a complete tip. I'm not Mrs Houseproud, but I do like things to be clean and tidy. I have got some friends (with kids) who seem to manage to keep their houses ordered with (apparently) very little effort. How? I've also come to the conclusion that with 3 young kiddies, I will never be living in a show-home, but aslong as I can keep it fairly reasonable that is ok with me. Dh does help out a bit, even if it doesn't always come up to my high(?) standards. My house-cleaning regime is to have a good blitz at the weekend, and then if I'm on the ball, I can do a little bit everyday in the week to keep on top of things. Today, I'm wading through a mountain of washing/drying and tonight I will iron school uniforms etc for the week when 'Blood Strangers' is on TV. Mrs. Sad-no-life, who me? With all this cleaning and tidying, I really don't have time for a life. Right I'll be putting me pinny and marigolds back on then...........

Chanel, glad to see that someone else plans their ironing around their TV viewing!

I can't believe I'm posting this, but have you seen the FLYLady site? It's a Gina Ford for adults, really, (ducks below parapet) but has some handy tips for keeping on top of things. My DD likes doing a 27 Fling Boogie with me!

Blimey, do you do IRONING?!! I don't so we are all creased all the time, but will look at that website! (my mum pities my son going to playgroup all crumpled!)

I'm almost scared to admit this but...my dh does his own ironing!!! My m-i-l is quietly horrified I think, but the simple truth is he is better at it than I am! He had years of living as a bachelor so had to do his own shirts for work, and he is very particular about how they are done too! I can't live up to his standards lol, so he does them himself, no complaints. I do my own stuff (if I really have to!) and dd's uniform for school and a few other kids things that really need it...but I HATE ironing, so I am truly lucky!

Btw, he also does dishes, hangs out washing, sweeps and even vaccuums occasionally, scrubs the shower too - though I don't think he knows what the toilet brush is for...I think he was already well-trained before we lived together! But I agree that it isn't about them HELPING us, they live in the same house for goodness' sake; it's about them doing their share.

And I don't think it was unreasonable to expect him to at least put some of the shopping away with you! Ah well, men have different priorities to us I guess - Playstation 2 unfortunately is right up there!!!

You all seem pretty lucky to me...I am a SAHM at the moment, and dh works unbealievable hours (9 to anything from 9pm to the next morning!!!), so I don't expect him to do any housework, but I would be happy enough if he could at least bother to put all the dirty clothes in the laundry bin, not leave his wet towels on the bed (with me inside) after a shower, put cups, glasses, mugs in the dishwasher istead of leaving them around the living room and maybe take his shoes in the bedroom instead of the hall...sorry for the rant but you've touched a hot spot here.
The main problem is, that he was the same when we were both working (ok I was only working 9to6), and even when he took a year off to do an MSc and I was working (but then he was so busy with college...).

The truth is he's been spoilt rotten by his mum (divorced parents, only child) and his grandparents (when his Grandad knew he had to iron his own shirts he almost had a heart attack, but did not last long).

What's worse is that he does not even help with dd, he would pick her from her cot in the morning and play with her for 20 minutes without even thinking about changing her nappy!!!! (actually he's only done it a couple of times since she was born- and she is 8 months), he's never bathed her, almost never fed her and he's taken her out to give me some relief only twice on my suggestion.

(needless to say that I've been doing the shopping and put it away since I went on maternity leave, even with a small baby, and most of the time the shopping stayed in the car for a couple of days...)

any partner who does at least a little bit (or at least does (not create extra work) is a complete godsend!!!!!!!!!

I envy you all!!!

what really winds me up about him, is that every time I point out (most of the time jockingly, because I've given up on this front) at the fact that he does not do much and usually leaves a trail of mess behind him, he is offended by it, I simply can't believe it!!!

(before you say anything I've just had my period so its' not PMS)

In my house I'm the untidy one. Dh though will moan and groan at me instead of getting of his behind and getting on with it. He cleans the bathroom but not the toilet (think he should do it all the time as he spends so long on it) and he does iron but that's only because he said I didn't do it right so I told him to get on with it. Why do they always expect us to be grateful when they've done something in the house or for the child? He never thanks me for doing things. The one that really really annoys me is the answer to what do you want for dinner. Its always 'I don't know' aaaaagh!!!! I don't mind cooking but I get fed up with having to decide what to cook.

Chiara! Does your dh have an identical twin. Because I think Iam married to him.
I understand exactly. I once asked my dh to put his dirty football kit in the washing machine.
I found it later festering in the tumble drier. He didn't know the difference. Isometimes feel as if I have 3 children not 2.
Again he is the product of a mother who done everything bar wipe his bot for him. GRRRRRR!!
My ds is going to be well trained thats for sure.

God, I'm living with an angel among men Suggest a good answer to "where's my dinner?" is "in the shop" (still pre-menstrual I'm afraid).

Callie,

I'm actually quite worried dd will grow up with this idea that daddy are for playing time only and mums do all the housework, bills, general baby care, discipline etc etc.

My da was like this and I've always hated it, (my parents worked together and often got home at the same time, but while he'd sit on the sofa and read the paper, mum would rush to prepare lunch and we sisters had to help) I always said my dh will have to be different, typical isnt'it???

well he's got other good points (obviously since I'm still with him), and occasionally makes an effort (this morning I could sleep with no wet towel on my bed), but when he does he has to make sure you notice while he never notices all the things I do....another rant.

Well my dream would be to leave him with dd for a whole weekend (fridge empty) to sort everything for himself.
I might do it one day (I'm just afraid of finding dd with the same nappy I left her in!!!)

Thought this feed back would amuse you, further to my original comment. I had my first weekend 'alone' - leaving 11 month old DS with DH for 36 hours - on my return I was greeted with, 'it's such hard work, how can you manage to do anything else all day !! and best of all, 'I think you should get some help with the housework ' !!!! And he had to go to bed at 8pm!

PS Had a great break & really enjoyed myelf!

I agree completely with Inkpen. I just couldn't live with some of the men you guys are married to! (Having said that, if both of you are happy to adopt traditional roles, as other people have said on other threads, I think that's great.) It's alot easier for me to expect dh to do his fair share now we're both working full-time, and he's very good at looking after our daughter. But I don't think that's something I should feel "grateful" for. He does all his own ironing, and if I do any for him I expect to get thanked, just as he would if a friend did something for him. However, there's still room for improvement: as Inkpen says, I'm always thinking ahead, but dh doesn't so much (though is getting better - he's now trained to buy biscuits/cereal/wine etc that's on offer in the supermarket). Also, if domestic tasks need to be done, and he doesn't feel like it, it doesn't matter, because he's got a wife to do it. Grrrrr!

(I've got my own back though. I gave him the responsibility of getting a shower fitted. We've now had a beautiful shower since before Xmas, but no shower curtain, so it can't be used. His parents arrive in a week, and I've told them that it's his fault if they can't have a shower when they get here!)

I suppose we are traditional in some ways, Rosy.
And I do want to make sure my dd grows up every bit as ambitious as my son. So that worrys me a bit.
But having said that my dh actually works away in London for 4 days a week.On fridays he works from home. So sharing the house work with him is not really an option for me.
I have to admit though even at weekends he does zero housework but then to be honest I do most of it during the week.
I don't mind though as he does work really hard and long hours and the travrlling is killing him.
Like Chiara said he does have his good points and I would say he is almost equal to me on the childcare front [at weekends]
So I'll let him off for the time being.
Let me stress though even though we have adopted trational roles Iam a long way from a surrendered wife. LOL
The very thought. EEEKKK!

This issue of being seen to be 'grateful' is difficult and no doubt contraversial to many but I am the first to admit that I am 'grateful' that my DH works hard, is in a very good job, & his salary therefore enables me to stay at home. Quite honestly, with only one child, the actual HOUSEWORK (not childcare) does not take up much time - about an hour a day - not including shopping (which I enjoy!) which leaves a fair amount of time to do exactly what I want to with our son.

I think I have much the better option, my DH has to work very long hours, in stressful situations (sales), a lot of travelling overseas, and whilst some is no doubt glamourous - would you want to have to eat dog in Korea as it is the 'polite thing' to do!.

I am sure my DH would love to spend more time with his son but quite bluntly, his earning capacity is far greater than mine. Having said this, I did support him for a while in different circumstances. At the moment - I think I've got a great deal - come Summer we are out & about at the beach most of the time!