Shared household responsibilities, am I over-sensitive?

[jsmummy]

Maybe I just need a rant...Live with partner, who is not father of my 4yo ds. He is loving and supportive of us and him and is a good "dad" in every way. I have no issue with his treatment of my son. However, at 25yo he is 10 years younger than me and, apart from uni, has never lived with anyone other than his parents (!) until we moved in together a year ago. I am a SAHM and therefore end up doing a lot (most?, probably 80%) of the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, although that is not to say he doesn't help - he does, cooking several nights a week, taking my son out sometimes to give me some time, and occasionally shopping. He works but has a fairly cushy number and is often home at 1pm (and sometimes wants to sleep then for a couple of hours, much to my disgust, since I can't). Anyway, today he volunteered to go to the supermarket and did so, brilliant. But, when he came back he asked me to unpack the shopping. I felt cross because most of the time I do the shopping AND unpack it and there isn't enough room in our kitchen for both people to be in it. Also, I suspected that the real reason he wanted me to do it was so that he could unpack the Playstation 2 he'd just bought. (Oh no! I am living with a child!) He then said that he was stressed by shopping and I took that to mean that he thought I'd had an easy day at home. (Hasn't been too bad, but few tantrums, have put washing on and hung out, which I HATE, have tidied up, hoovered etc etc) I just think for gods sake you don't know you're born, your life is easy, when I go shopping I have a 4yo with me, so f* off!! My period is due soon, am I just pre-menstrual and unreasonable (and I'm entirely open to suggestions on this) or am I justified? BTW he says how dare I get cross with him for being stressed, his feelings are valid etc etc, and I KNOW it's not a competition (who had the worst day?). If no-one replies to this I won't blame them, since it seems so trivial really, but I feel better for getting it off my chest and it does look less of a deal now I've written it down! Roll on my period!

I don't support traditional roles but after living together for 5 years with 3 of marriage I am close to giving up, I have been trying since we started living together but with little success.

An the fact that I'm at home does not mean I'm not working!!! Maybe I'm just disorganised but I even have a cleaner for 3 hours a week and still the house is a mess and I'm shattered by 8pm. The moment I put dd to bed I'm unable to lift a finger.

Please tell me how you do Callie, because I run around the house everytime dd is down for a nap (4 hours evry day), and I'm writing this while having my lunch, but I just can't seem to have enough time....

Chiara. The reason I find it relatively easy to keep the house clean and tidy during the week is simple.
My hubby is 200 miles away in London. Therefore the mess and untidiness is drasically reduced. LOL.
No seriously. Iam pretty anal borderline obsessed with tidiness. But like Lindy said I do pretty much get everything done in about an hr a day. Then i just tidy up as i go along. Plus dd is in bed for 6.30pm so i have a quick tidy up wash dishes then.
I don't lift a finger after 7pm. Normally shattered by then.
Have to admit I do use every convinience going though. Flash wipes, Swiffer for floors, Cif wipes for windows. ETC.
The one thing I absolutely HATE is ironing.I have just started taking it to Johnsons the cleanes to be ironed. So that helps a lot.

I thought you might be interested to know what my husband does when he is at home with me and his much loved child. He simply takes about one hour or more for breakfast and then go and sit on the loo for a further 30 minutes minimum. Oh and I forgot he reads his bike or car magazine while doing both! Well I suppose that's why he is taking so long!!! In the meantime I clean, tidy up the house, cook and entertain our child!
When I complain about his lack of interest in keeping the flat tidy he says I sound just like my mother. I grew up with four brothers who didn't do a thing in the house, my mother's fault I think, and I swore to myself that I would never marry someone who was like them but I did, silly girl!!!
As for my husband, he never had to lift a finger as he was used to the services of a maid until he married me. So I suppose I have taken over the job. And what's more he spends a lot of time listening to the radio or watching TV and has the nerves to complaint if we make too much noise.
Now I kown for sure that I would be less stressed if he was just not around at all but it would be pretty lonely, wouldn't it?

just a note to sing my dh's praises. I'm a professional chef who hates cleaning. So - he cleans everything and I cook & do the supermarket (which I secretly rather love!)I agree with those of you who admit to their dh's doing their own ironing. All ironing is done on a need to wear basis in this house, and by whoever needs to wear it. Ironing shirts - v. boring!!! He does occasionally ask me to clean the bath as my bath oil leaves a rather unpleasant slick! However - good way round this one is to leave it until Sunday afternoon. As he has his weekly bathe (showers every day - promise) Sunday am I know he'll be driven to distraction by the less than pristine bath and be forced to clean it himslef before immersing his precious body in it - HA!

Have just finished reading "Wifework" by Susan Maushart subtitled "Men get one thing from marriage that women never do - wives"! All of the issues you raise are there and even though I thought my hubby and I had a fairly 'equal' division of household tasks I find myself 'thanking' him for doing his share. Hello!
As the author says "the language we use betrays the assumptions we still accept; that men who "help out" with the kids or housework are doing women a favour. One does not "help out" with one's own life - one lives it". I just hope I can remember this great line next time I feel the urge to pat him on the back for doing what he should be doing anyway. By the way, we both work full time and have 2 kids with another due any day now. I need all the help I can get!!

Kathleen, interested to hear that, read a review of the book and thought it sounded interesting. Feel however that reading it would probably get me very feisty! When I told my dp about this discussion he said he reckoned the share of the housework he does is about 30%... do you think men get a different perspective on cleaning/household chores from childhood onwards? For example, I don't think it would occur to my dp that the bathroom sink needs cleaning although he would do it if I asked him. What do women who are bringing up boys think about how we teach them to look after themselves? Do those who have boys and girls catch themselves teaching them about housework differently?

I have to add this -

I have a partner who actually let me give up work just so he doesn't have to go to Asda's any more!

(Which is nothing to the other perks he thought he should get for allowing me to stay at home!!!)

Regarding "Wifework" again, the book describes the scenario where the female partner settles herself down in her favourite chair with newspaper (optional) and states that if the husband wants help with cooking, cleaning etc, he just has to ask. Sound familiar? And yet this is what we put up with and consider normal. My husband did remark that books like these make women fiesty... You hardly need imagine my reply!

Well my solution to all of this is that neither of us do any housework! Well nothing major. I work full time (out form 7am - 7 pm) and he works sporadically as an actor. We have two kids and our only solution (or I would cry) is to have a cleaner, a gardener, a dishwasher, creased clothes, and internet supermarkets!! Oh and a nanny fo rthe kids!

Seriously even after that lot he does nothing! I would consider it a major achievement if his dirty clothes went in the wash basket instead of dropped where he stepped out of them, or towels went back in the bathroom, or if he makes a sandwich for the butter to go back in the firdge, but no. After a full days work, I come home and have to make supper, sometimes bath the kids, tidy up the toys, put the washing on, stack the dishwasher and put that on, take clean clothes out of tumble dryer and put them away etc etc etc.......

He has life too easy and I wish I had never startd, I cannot live is the pig sty he does, he doesn't notice until he has no more pants! This is the man who calls me at work to ask where he left his keys!!!

Oh my God!! WE're all married to the same (obviously knackered) man!!! The thing that really makes me mad, is the phrase "You only have to ask!!!" WHY??!! It's his home, his children too; HE never asks if I can look after the children while he goes out. I, on the other hand have to ask every time.And when he's asked to do something simple like pick the oldest up from school and deliver him to me at work (because ds can't possibly go to his work - even though it's his business)he forgets!!! I have to leave work, collect a distraught child and apologise to the school for leaving him there for 50 minutes after school, when NONE of it was my fault!! AAARRRGGHHH!!!
I am the untidy one by his standards: ex- submariner, who had to have all his worldly possessions in a 2 inch space! And now he's an estate agent who only ever sees tidy houses and deludes himself that that's how people really live all the time. Couple all that with a mother who is an obssesive cleaner and tidier and my life can be HELL at times!
SO good to let off steam!

Hi it is nice to read that my husband appears to be normal in his attitude towards the houshold chores. I am the mum of a 3month old baby I would say that I am pretty laid back about things on the whole. I imagined, when I got married and had children that in this modern age of equallity, that, my other half and I would split all the childcare and houshold responsibilities. So why does it not work out that way?

3 weeks ago after a lot of 'verbal encouragment' he attempted some ironing, 30 mins and 2 shirts later he stopped 'for a rest' He will attempt some tasks, it is juat that it is usually half hearted and half done.

Then he gives you the 'look' the one to remind you that he has had a hard day at work and then he comes home to a nagging wife. So it is usually quicker and more efficient if I do it myself. I know this is the worst thing I could possibly do.

Vicky

I've just come back to this thread after sometime and I must agree with Mel, we're all married to the same men!!!!

Well at least it's a consolation (albeit a tiny one) to know we're not alone, most of my friends seem to be married to men who were born to change nappies and clean houses for their new-mum partners!!!

at least we can have a laugh at them all together!!

PMS or no PMS, SAHM or not, running a household, raising your children IS a job!! I try to explain to my Dh that on weekend he doesn't have to look at his job, but I look at mine 24/7. I have three boys ages 3, 6 and 10 ( and 40 if you include the big kid) I'm up at 5am until 9pm daily picking up after them. I don't want my boys growing up to
assume that womans only purpose on earth is to cater to men. So far so good, they notice when daddy doesn't side his dishes, or drops his socks NEXT to the hamper, and they call him on it.
I think my Dh imagines I must set around and eat bon bons all day and the house cleans itself.
I completely sympathize with you, but i've found that when Dh does try to help, I end up re-cleaning what he's attempted(food still on dishes, left the pans, forgot to put laundry det in the washer) I've given up on him, but hoping the 3 boys come out more appreciative and helpful when they get older

Just feeling in the mood for a rant.....
Why, when I go to get my dh up at the w/end does he say things like "I don't need to get up yet, I've only got to get dressed, and then I'm ready to go". Yes, and I've got to get both girls ready, hang the washing up, put a new load on, get the swimming stuff organised, find the library books.......
Why does he get the chance to have a cup of coffee in peace when he gets in from work - if he came and helped me, then we'd both get to the "chill" time that much quicker. Not to mention the fact that I don't get a chance to sit down in peace when I get home from work.
OK, feel better now! He's not all bad, though, just need to let off steam now & then.

Emsiewill I'm definitely in the mood for a rant too. My husband sounds like most of the other men out there - you have to ask them to do every little thing, they seem incapable of figuring out for themselves that something needs to be done. My husband will come home from work, have a cup of tea and sit on the couch watching the news while I'm running around trying to get dinner ready, feed my son, clean the kitchen up, bath my son, get him ready for bed and THEN maybe have a bit of time to myself. He practically never asks me if there's anything he can do to help. And the thing that really bugs me? We're getting ready to go out (to dinner or a party or something), I have to feed, bath and dress my son before the babysitter arrives and then have a shower myself and try to get ready as fast as I can - hair, make-up, the lot. What does he do? Has a nice leisurely shower, gets dressed in 5 minutes and then lounges around for about half an hour while I'm trying desperately to have everything done on time. I know he sees me juggling ten things at once but it makes no difference, I still have to ask him to help me because he doesn't offer. And the icing on the cake... he sleeps in til about 10.00 on the weekends and has slept in about 3 times this week because he hasn't had to start work until late. And he was stressed at the thought having a child because it would change his lifestyle... HAH!! I don't think so.

A month ago I posted that my DH didn't do much at all but reading through other posts I think I've changed my mind!

For example this evening he was home before DS was in bed so finished giving him his tea, bathed him & put him to bed, made his own supper, cleared up & went out to his training - what have I been doing?

Two hours on Mumsnet, four glasses of wine & mixing up my postings!!!! I haven't even been upstairs to kiss DS goodnight !