Online behaviour of partner. I am much too jealous. Long.

[arseyandtired]

I am in a right state tonight. Name changed in case my boyfriend sees it later. Have been with him just over 4 years. We are both in our late 20s with no children, no huge shared assets. Really scared even thinking this, let alone posting it, will start the end of the relationship. Probably going to sound very childish and needy as well.

A few weeks ago I got a bit bored... went on Twitter, I never go on there so was looking at a few months of old posts to keep me occupied. One of the first posts that came up was of my boyfriend conversing with someone with a rather sexual nickname... the sexual act in question is a favourite of his. Not saying any more on that front!

Immediately felt insecure as she looks a bit like me, same body type, bit younger, makes more of an effort with hair/makeup/selfies, dresses in that pinup style that is fashionable at the moment, similar interests but a bit gooey - lots of 'lol' and 'xx' and frankly, she also seems a bit dim. Resentful, judgemental and bitter am I sounding? Why yes. I am not a big fan of belligerently, publicly sexual people... I call them show offs. Incidentally so does my boyfriend - in real life. Yet all his RL female friends are EXACTLY LIKE THIS. He slates this aspect of their personalities to me happily when I point this out to him but fails to see the hypocrisy.

Fast forward a couple of replies and she is telling him she is having 'saucy thoughts' about him being naked... (heatwave related but he started the nude talk with her in relation to stripping off in the heat). He didn't reply.

I brought this single post up with him at the time and he said 'sorry, I was just showing off but I won't talk to her again if that's what you want'. Said I wasn't bothered - but it was not sitting right with me.

At this point that was the only message I'd seen. I was however very very upset by it.

Tonight I got paranoid and have gone back through months and months of public posts between the two of them on his Twitter feed. Took ages as I am not that au fait with Twitter. Lots of #sexygrowl, music being 'fuckable'/'very sexy' (they seem to spend time sending each other music videos) 'smoochy kiss'. I know Twitter is a bit of a luvvie fest but I think that is crossing a line. Talk of 'naughty dreams'. Talk of him paddling her and of her being a naughty girl from both of them!!! It is clearly pathetic Twitter banter - but I don't think I want to be seeing it. Especially as his mate left his wife a few years back for someone he met online who is exactly the same as this girl in her internet 'banter'... He is acting like a slimy pervert.

He doesn't do this with anyone else but always signs messages to her with ' ;) xx '

He has also consoled her over her mental health problems repeatedly. I too suffer with depression and anxiety and whenever I have been having a bad day he walks away to another room / goes on his phone as he 'does not know what to do' - funny, he's doing it for her. All I want is being talked to, distraction cuddles, and a bit of playful banter when I am down. Which is what she gets in tweet form while I get the square root of fuck all.

I am not mentioned once in over a year of posts on his account except once as 'a girl' in a conversation with her. he said:

'I'm being made to watch Corrie and I hate it!' *not really Corrie, I'm not that sadistic
'oo dear hun who's making you watch it? x?'
'A girl of course ;)'

WE HAD BEEN TOGETHER OVER TWO YEARS at that point and in the ensuing conversation she insinuated I was a bit of a childish twat - he said nothing.

He has also slagged off a lot of films I like and that we have watched together, actors/performers I like etc. Lots of it shared with her eg calling one of my favourite comedians an oxygen thief. Reading twitter now I can see the stages of him gradually disliking this comedian have directly corresponded to conversations with the girl on twitter. We are now not going to see this comedian as he refuses to go, so if I want to go I will have to go on my own.

He never said any of this to my face - all online to his online friends.

He has also put some fairly grotty stuff about a celebrity he fancies, wanting to be her pants/husband etc. Again 'in fun' but to me, it's not funny.

He has posted about LOADS of NICE things we have done together as if he is doing them by himself. For over a year. 'I'm going to a gig tonight', 'Watching Film' 'Taking a walk' 'Eating pizza' (which I made from scratch with all his favourite toppings and I know this because he posted a picture of it) yet I do not rate a mention! Not one - like he can just cut me out at will. Even mentioned a CD he'd 'picked up' which she complimented him on - I bought it for him for fuck's sake. We spent what I thought was a lovely Christmas together curled up in front of the TV - the only Xmas related tweet he sent was 'xmas tv is shit' and he got a 'lol yea hun u should watch a film xx' back.

He will take conversations we have had to Twitter and try to find backup for his 'side' of the discussion rather than talk to me. Even over silly things like whether one band is better than another. He doesn't show me the replies - I guess he just feels better about himself for it?

He even watches films I've mentioned wanting to watch - without me. So he doesn't have to watch with me.

Back to this girl. I am fairly sure he has not met this girl in real life but do not know about texting etc as his phone never leaves his hand even in bed, that's how addicted to it he is. I don't think it's likely but who knows?

I think all this Twitter crap, even on its own, really takes the piss. What the fuck do I do? Am I being crazy? All THAT is 'just showing off'?? I think he has been a prick and deliberately shoved me out of his mind and his internet circle for months and yet I dread bringing it up with him in case it breaks us up because I think he would pick Twitter and his Twitter mates over me.

He does put up with a lot of shit from me in terms of arseyness, sulks, mood swings and the like (I am not aggressive in any way but can be grumpy and tearful at some times and pretty annoyingly energetic on others, partly because of medication), but now I do not think I am being as unreasonable over this as I thought I was a couple of weeks ago. I have come to realise I do give a lot back to him which I don't always take into account.

Ffs he was ill a few months ago, I saw on this trawl through his posts that while I was dialling 111 for an emergency GP appt and holding him while he screamed in pain he was tweeting to her not long after about being on a 'fluffy cloud of painkillers :)'.

I have never got this jealous/insecure before. Maybe I have idealized him, as I feel so shit about myself much of the time, but this has brought me crashing down to earth. Do I need a good talking to? How the hell do I bring this up with him? Should I??? Given that if I had seen all these messages at the time I spoke to him, I would have gone ape shit and probably split up with him on the spot given the (dire, suicidal ideation) mood I was in. Not what I want, I want my fella back. :(

To complicate things he is off in France with his parents, visiting his brother, till Sunday... his birthday. (Definitely not a cover for anything - I was invited and ticket would have been paid for as well, but it was announced at short notice and couldn't get the time off work!) So if I mention it at all between now and then I will either be ruining his holiday, and in turn upsetting his family, or spoiling his birthday, neither of which I want to do. The jealousy and insecurity is eating me up and I don't know how I can go and meet him and welcome him back, give him his gifts, with all this in my head.

I want to slap him for acting like an absolutely sickening twat... and her as well... and myself! It feels like he has this secret life where I do not exist. I feel like he cannot be bothered with me and my boring self and is devoting his time elsewhere... somewhere more fun. I do try my best with him to have a good time and enjoy ourselves but it doesn't seem to be working. The only thing that seems to perk him up is talking to people who aren't me.

I feel now like I am being unfair to him - let's be clear, we have lovely times much of the time, but I am feeling like I WANT to be jealous and selfish. I do not want him to be having giggly, flirty, sexualised conversations with other women, regardless of whether it's serious or not. I do not want every opinion I express to be ripped apart by his Twitter pals. I do not want him turning to the internet and pushing me aside. But I don't know what I can do about it. All I want to do is sit him down and tear him and all his online friends to shreds because they are something I am not part of. But it's a terrible idea I know and it will turn him against me.

I'm sorry about how huge this turned out to be. I needed to rant as I don't really have any friends (surprising!) I really need someone to hold my hand at the moment. I want him back.

You feel like he has a secret life where you don't exist? That's because he does have a secret life where you don't exist.

You sounds like a sleazy immature creep. Move on.

Oops

*he

Not you

Obviously

You are not 'much too jealous'. On the contrary, you are way too tolerant! He is treating you with utter contempt and having an EA right under your nose.
You deserve so much better than this.

I agree with the others. He is treating you like shit and you deserve better. Your post has made me feel really sad for you, he sounds like a right prick.

As hard as it is, you would be so much better off without him.

Sorry.

It's likely he's going to minimize what's going on, he won't see it as affecting the two of you.

The person he's talking too is quite possibly not the person he thinks and he might not be the only one it might not even be a girl

YANBU

His behaviour is pisstakey and immature. He is way to familiar with the pin up girl and it would make me uncomfortable to.

It sounds like he's trying to build a "cool guy" persona on line. Which is a bit sad considering he's nearly 30.

I am really sad for you. Jealousy is such a powerful, caustic emotion. It appears to me, that he is behaving badly online. Maybe it would be best not to focus on him, but yourself. You can decide how you wish to handle this. The examples of some of the chat he had with this woman would be relationship ending for me. You have the ability to decide if you want to continue the relationship, change your relationship, or pack it in. None of the choices will be easy or pleasant, but they will be your choice..
I feel terrible for you. You have been hurt and betrayed.

he is not the only one she talks to in this way I don't think but he reciprocates it. She is a real person as far as I can tell, her relatives are on there and found her elsewhere relatively easily, she is who she says she is and doesn't live close.

good things:

he patiently listens to me moaning about work etc and offers solutions where he can
he loves introducing me to new things that he thinks I'd like and I nearly always do even just a silly website
he is very body positive towards me, would never put me down or make me feel unattractive (but the online stuff indirectly does)
he is a tidier to my mess-er but never moans about it
he calls me every evening when I'm home from work to have a chat and discuss our days (not living together for financial reasons which is probably why I feel so out of the loop though we spend 2-3 nights a week together)
I do feel happier and more confident since being with him
he is at heart someone who wants desperately to be liked and feel part of something, he will go along with the crowd
he is, for the most part, sweet and affectionate. Never the opposite certainly, don't think he has ever said an unkind word to me.

I think he may be oblivious to how his behaviour has made me feel. Something I am guilty of as well. I also think he may be depressed. He does include me in stuff with his real life friends. I think I will have to hold it in a bit and pick a time to calmly discuss things. I am a bit tired and emotional at the moment. If nothing changes - then I'll think a bit more. Thank you so much for your responses.

Why do women always think that men are depressed when they act like dicks?

Oh well. Good luck.

This is awful and i feel so sorry for you OP.

You make too many excuses for him by saying its twitter banter, no - its flirting and the whole thing is extremely disrespectful to you. I woukd try and wait til he gets back (not easy im sure) but then you will be able to think through what you want to say and hopefully get a face to face apology. Im sorry - i think this would be a dealbreaker for me.

you deserve better than this OP

He doesn't mention you at all? He flirts with someone else, a lot? His good points frankly are the basics you should expect from another human , they don't read to me like dp material. And you wonder why you feel crap?I too would be jealous and unhappy, he sounds as though he doesn't like you. And thats pretty bloody shitty. He's looking for his next gf I'd guess

Well, OP, in your position I would be telling him exactly how this online behaviour was making me feel and why I felt it was completely inappropriate.

Only you know what you're willing to put up with and what it will take from him to gain your trust back if you're not ready to end the relationship. For me, I think I'd be walking away at this point.

Hope it works out for you, please don't short change yourself.

Just be aware that your bf has probably convinced himself that since all this chat has been going in publicly in twitter for all to see that he hasn't been secretive and therefore has nothing to apologise for or be ashamed by. That's not to say I agree with that at all but it's likely to be his justification for it all. I'd be v wary of anyone who didn't let their phone out if their hand even while they were sleeping though, not that you should ever be in a position where you would want to snoop through private emails, texts, messages etc but just knowing that clearly your bf doesn't want to risk that happening would concern me that he does have things he'd prefer to hide in addition to what he's already doing on twitter. As others have said, you don't deserve to be treated like this OP

This has been going on for over a year - have seen about 10 exchanges in that time out of 30-50 in total that crossed my personal line - but that's 10 too many. I am going to bring it up with him when he's back. He is acting like a disrespectful knob, there is no question. I am not going to take a response that he was 'being open' (which I don't think he will try), he knows I never read Twitter and that I trusted him. I want an apology and I want her and anyone else he may speak to like that off his Twitter. He offered before, and I will take him up on it, if he has anything to say about it we will do the 'mum test' (would you say this to your mum) and we'll see how he feels then.

I don't think there is anything going on with his phone - he does chuck it over when I want to look something up, show me photos etc. He is fine with me looking at his emails and will always take phone calls in front of me. He is just surgically attached to fucking Twitter to the detriment of everything else.

I think he may be depressed due to his financial situation and looking to escape a bit. He has been a bit like this before when out of work but obviously I did not know about this pissing about online back then. He's had on and off depressive episodes for a few years. Medication did drastically help last time. I can see it in me as well - but I have changed enough, it's his turn, he can sort it out himself with his GP and look after me a bit as well.

I will not put up with serial flirting though, no way. I don't do it, he is a part of every facet of my life, why the fuck should he think he can act like he is single?

I'd not even worry about seeming insecure or controlling.

He's acting like he's single & being fairly inappropriate with that woman (and possibly others).

Fuck that. You deserve more respect than that.

P.S the depression thing is a red herring. It can make you selfish, yes but it doesn't turn you into a disrespectful 'serial flirt who treats their partner like a temporary feature

(and if he thinks you never use twitter then I'm sure he thought it was safe and was just getting a few free kicks from it).

Out of a year, they've twitted to each other on average one or two times a week.
If im honest that and twitting about his life and opinions sounds about normal.

Does he even know you are not happy about it?
Do they direct message from each other?

Everyone's got 'lines' that they wouldn't feel comfortable with their partner crossing. You mentioned quite a few have been crossed & some of the ones mentioned do make it sound like he's acting as if he's single and with no respect to you.

You have every right to bring that up with a partner. Just depends how he takes it from there.

someone who desperately wants to be liked and goes along with the crowd

This is not a good thing OP. In fact it's a bad thing.

At some point the line will be crossed and they will meet.
There was an eight month build up in both cases to the women my ex screwed, started online, went to text, then sex.
Lucky lucky you you've found out now.

Well, that's among the most self-aware and articulate and kind of complete OPs I've ever seen in relationships. I don't know what to say I think your analysis is absolutely correct. This in particular:

I do not want him to be having giggly, flirty, sexualised conversations with other women, regardless of whether it's serious or not.

I agree, and it's the consistency of it. It's not like she's someone in a mutual group of friends he meets up with every 6 months and has a bit of banter with. They have a constant rapport which pointedly excludes you and dips into the sexual say about 20% of the time. That is, as you say, how single people act.

Don't lose sight of what you want to happen when you talk to him. It won't do anything for your depression if this kind of behaviour continues even in a modified form. He needs to change his whole mindset about this stuff, not just change his tweeting content. He's making a twat of himself, he just needs to stop doing it. It should be simple. Watch our for signs that he feels obligated to her, and protests that she'll think it's weird etc if he just backs right off. That's him saying her feelings are at least as important as yours, and indicates that he prioritises talking to her and looking good in front of her. And obviously watch out for any rueful "I'm not allowed to talk to you any more" tweets (though may be DMs, which is tricky), which will basically be like putting a fire out with a can of petrol.

That's what I would be worried about - sure he might have just started chatting to someone on twitter as a kind of stupid fantasy escapism but it's very easy for lines to become blurred and banter to turn into flirting to turn into texting and then maybe phone calls and god knows where it could go after that, especially if he thinks you will turn a blind eye to it or that he can keep you in the dark.

I think you're right to wait until he comes back from holiday though - some conversations need to happen face to face

He sees himself as single, doesn't he? That's clearly his ideal state.

If I were you, I'd dump him. I wouldn't wait for him to dump you (which I think is inevitable.) If you carry on a lot longer you'll want to marry him and have children and then you really will have problems.

If you dump him you take control over your own life. I think that's something you don't feel you have at the moment.

OP, why don't you try for a moment to read back what you have written about your relationship as though it was a friend or a relative writing - what would you think about it?

You are not too jealous - you have low self confidence or you would not be in a relationship with someone who behaves like this. As someone above says, he acts like he is single to the rest of the world. His behaviour is immature and childish - and it is making you unhappy.

Why are you scared of him 'turning against you' if you talk honestly about your feelings? You can't go through life hiding your true feelings from your partner, that is not how relationships work. you cannot have children with, or stay in a long term relationship with, a man who pretends you don't exist and who clearly (sorry to say this) does not respect you or put you at the centre of his life.

You mention having mental health issues/ depression - have you had counselling? If you are too scared to move forward and end this relationship then I would suggest you find a counsellor/ therapist (look at the BACP website for someone local) and talk about how this whole situation makes you feel and how to move out of it.