I am in a right state tonight. Name changed in case my boyfriend sees it later. Have been with him just over 4 years. We are both in our late 20s with no children, no huge shared assets. Really scared even thinking this, let alone posting it, will start the end of the relationship. Probably going to sound very childish and needy as well.
A few weeks ago I got a bit bored... went on Twitter, I never go on there so was looking at a few months of old posts to keep me occupied. One of the first posts that came up was of my boyfriend conversing with someone with a rather sexual nickname... the sexual act in question is a favourite of his. Not saying any more on that front!
Immediately felt insecure as she looks a bit like me, same body type, bit younger, makes more of an effort with hair/makeup/selfies, dresses in that pinup style that is fashionable at the moment, similar interests but a bit gooey - lots of 'lol' and 'xx' and frankly, she also seems a bit dim. Resentful, judgemental and bitter am I sounding? Why yes. I am not a big fan of belligerently, publicly sexual people... I call them show offs. Incidentally so does my boyfriend - in real life. Yet all his RL female friends are EXACTLY LIKE THIS. He slates this aspect of their personalities to me happily when I point this out to him but fails to see the hypocrisy.
Fast forward a couple of replies and she is telling him she is having 'saucy thoughts' about him being naked... (heatwave related but he started the nude talk with her in relation to stripping off in the heat). He didn't reply.
I brought this single post up with him at the time and he said 'sorry, I was just showing off but I won't talk to her again if that's what you want'. Said I wasn't bothered - but it was not sitting right with me.
At this point that was the only message I'd seen. I was however very very upset by it.
Tonight I got paranoid and have gone back through months and months of public posts between the two of them on his Twitter feed. Took ages as I am not that au fait with Twitter. Lots of #sexygrowl, music being 'fuckable'/'very sexy' (they seem to spend time sending each other music videos) 'smoochy kiss'. I know Twitter is a bit of a luvvie fest but I think that is crossing a line. Talk of 'naughty dreams'. Talk of him paddling her and of her being a naughty girl from both of them!!! It is clearly pathetic Twitter banter - but I don't think I want to be seeing it. Especially as his mate left his wife a few years back for someone he met online who is exactly the same as this girl in her internet 'banter'... He is acting like a slimy pervert.
He doesn't do this with anyone else but always signs messages to her with ' ;) xx '
He has also consoled her over her mental health problems repeatedly. I too suffer with depression and anxiety and whenever I have been having a bad day he walks away to another room / goes on his phone as he 'does not know what to do' - funny, he's doing it for her. All I want is being talked to, distraction cuddles, and a bit of playful banter when I am down. Which is what she gets in tweet form while I get the square root of fuck all.
I am not mentioned once in over a year of posts on his account except once as 'a girl' in a conversation with her. he said:
'I'm being made to watch Corrie and I hate it!' *not really Corrie, I'm not that sadistic
'oo dear hun who's making you watch it? x?'
'A girl of course ;)'
WE HAD BEEN TOGETHER OVER TWO YEARS at that point and in the ensuing conversation she insinuated I was a bit of a childish twat - he said nothing.
He has also slagged off a lot of films I like and that we have watched together, actors/performers I like etc. Lots of it shared with her eg calling one of my favourite comedians an oxygen thief. Reading twitter now I can see the stages of him gradually disliking this comedian have directly corresponded to conversations with the girl on twitter. We are now not going to see this comedian as he refuses to go, so if I want to go I will have to go on my own.
He never said any of this to my face - all online to his online friends.
He has also put some fairly grotty stuff about a celebrity he fancies, wanting to be her pants/husband etc. Again 'in fun' but to me, it's not funny.
He has posted about LOADS of NICE things we have done together as if he is doing them by himself. For over a year. 'I'm going to a gig tonight', 'Watching Film' 'Taking a walk' 'Eating pizza' (which I made from scratch with all his favourite toppings and I know this because he posted a picture of it) yet I do not rate a mention! Not one - like he can just cut me out at will. Even mentioned a CD he'd 'picked up' which she complimented him on - I bought it for him for fuck's sake. We spent what I thought was a lovely Christmas together curled up in front of the TV - the only Xmas related tweet he sent was 'xmas tv is shit' and he got a 'lol yea hun u should watch a film xx' back. 
He will take conversations we have had to Twitter and try to find backup for his 'side' of the discussion rather than talk to me. Even over silly things like whether one band is better than another. He doesn't show me the replies - I guess he just feels better about himself for it?
He even watches films I've mentioned wanting to watch - without me. So he doesn't have to watch with me.
Back to this girl. I am fairly sure he has not met this girl in real life but do not know about texting etc as his phone never leaves his hand even in bed, that's how addicted to it he is. I don't think it's likely but who knows?
I think all this Twitter crap, even on its own, really takes the piss. What the fuck do I do? Am I being crazy? All THAT is 'just showing off'?? I think he has been a prick and deliberately shoved me out of his mind and his internet circle for months and yet I dread bringing it up with him in case it breaks us up because I think he would pick Twitter and his Twitter mates over me.
He does put up with a lot of shit from me in terms of arseyness, sulks, mood swings and the like (I am not aggressive in any way but can be grumpy and tearful at some times and pretty annoyingly energetic on others, partly because of medication), but now I do not think I am being as unreasonable over this as I thought I was a couple of weeks ago. I have come to realise I do give a lot back to him which I don't always take into account.
Ffs he was ill a few months ago, I saw on this trawl through his posts that while I was dialling 111 for an emergency GP appt and holding him while he screamed in pain he was tweeting to her not long after about being on a 'fluffy cloud of painkillers :)'.
I have never got this jealous/insecure before. Maybe I have idealized him, as I feel so shit about myself much of the time, but this has brought me crashing down to earth. Do I need a good talking to? How the hell do I bring this up with him? Should I??? Given that if I had seen all these messages at the time I spoke to him, I would have gone ape shit and probably split up with him on the spot given the (dire, suicidal ideation) mood I was in. Not what I want, I want my fella back. :(
To complicate things he is off in France with his parents, visiting his brother, till Sunday... his birthday. (Definitely not a cover for anything - I was invited and ticket would have been paid for as well, but it was announced at short notice and couldn't get the time off work!) So if I mention it at all between now and then I will either be ruining his holiday, and in turn upsetting his family, or spoiling his birthday, neither of which I want to do. The jealousy and insecurity is eating me up and I don't know how I can go and meet him and welcome him back, give him his gifts, with all this in my head.
I want to slap him for acting like an absolutely sickening twat... and her as well... and myself! It feels like he has this secret life where I do not exist. I feel like he cannot be bothered with me and my boring self and is devoting his time elsewhere... somewhere more fun. I do try my best with him to have a good time and enjoy ourselves but it doesn't seem to be working. The only thing that seems to perk him up is talking to people who aren't me.
I feel now like I am being unfair to him - let's be clear, we have lovely times much of the time, but I am feeling like I WANT to be jealous and selfish. I do not want him to be having giggly, flirty, sexualised conversations with other women, regardless of whether it's serious or not. I do not want every opinion I express to be ripped apart by his Twitter pals. I do not want him turning to the internet and pushing me aside. But I don't know what I can do about it. All I want to do is sit him down and tear him and all his online friends to shreds because they are something I am not part of. But it's a terrible idea I know and it will turn him against me.
I'm sorry about how huge this turned out to be. I needed to rant as I don't really have any friends (surprising!) I really need someone to hold my hand at the moment. I want him back.