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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you get through it

40 replies

MrsThor · 05/08/2013 15:20

I have just moved half way around the world, with my little boy to be with my husband. He moved with his job and has been traveling back and forth for a while. He persuaded me to give up everything at home and move here to be together

Since getting here I have now discovered he has been having an affair. I have booked flights for my son and I to go back home...even though we don't have a house etc anymore

How the hell do you get through each day dealing with this pain?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 05/08/2013 15:24

Oh love, I can't imagine what you're feeling right now.

Sounds like you're doing all the practical stuff already, but hopefully someone else will be along with advice.

"One day at a time" is the best way to handle the emotional crap. Be kind with yourself x

Mosman · 05/08/2013 15:27

Something very similar happened to me, I'm six months down the line and still want to smack him with a frying pan when I see his horrid little face but it doesn't hurt as much, the first few weeks are as bad as its going to ever be.

Original poster
MrsThor · 05/08/2013 15:28

Just wonder if I will ever feel whole again.. And trust again

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Original poster
MrsThor · 05/08/2013 15:29

My son is blaming me as I am the one taking him away from his daddy

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shootfromthehip · 05/08/2013 15:31

You will definitely feel whole again. You may not trust again but you will not always be this alone and this unhappy. I wish you comfort in your grief because that's what it is. Be strong.

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2013 15:33

God, how awful. You poor thing. Did you find out or did he tell you? He must be absolutely mad - why did he encourage you to give up everything when he couldn't do the same?

Are you coming back to the UK now?

How old is your son?

Original poster
MrsThor · 05/08/2013 15:38

My son is 8, I am heartbroken for him

Yes I am going to book flights to come back this week

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Vivacia · 05/08/2013 15:46

That's unbelievable, you poor thing.

How and when did you find out?

JohFlow · 05/08/2013 15:47

That's absolutely awful!

Try to fill your days. And do at least one activity a day that is fun/new with your son. Sometimes it is good a good distraction until things start to settle. You need each other right now.

Do you have people to support you both once you get back home?

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2013 15:49

I think your son is old enough to be told. If he was accepting of the move back, I'd keep it from him, but given the fact he's blaming you now, you need to set him straight.

Where will you live when you come back? I think your first visit should be to a good solicitor.

Is there any way you could take money out of your bank to make sure you have enough?

Original poster
MrsThor · 05/08/2013 15:51

I found out today. He had left his email account opened on the iPad

Yes I do have people to support me. Unfortunately he was my best friend ( or so I thought). We have known each other for 30 years

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ImperialBlether · 05/08/2013 15:53

Those are the worst fuckers, those that pose as your best friend while they're deceiving you.

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2013 15:53

Was it an affair or a one night stand? Is it still ongoing? How long did it go on for?

elle2404 · 05/08/2013 15:54

Does he know you know?
Would you want to work on saving your marriage if he was willing to stop the affair/accept responsibility and work with you to mend things?

Original poster
MrsThor · 05/08/2013 15:54

I have moved money and can stay with my parents initially

I have fallen into the trap of depending on him....have been a sahm for the last six years. And I hate myself for being such an idiot, I should have kept my independence but I thought it was all hearts and flowers

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Original poster
MrsThor · 05/08/2013 15:56

It was an affair for about 8 weeks

It appears he tried to end it when I came out

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ImperialBlether · 05/08/2013 15:58

Have you spoken to him about this? Is there any way you could forgive and get on with your life over there? (I know how hard that is to do.)

Original poster
MrsThor · 05/08/2013 15:59

It was with a lady boy.... How do you recover from that

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Vivacia · 05/08/2013 16:00

Don't beat yourself up, your choice to be a SAHM was totally rational. His behaviour has been wrong.

What do you mean he "tried" to end it? When will he be home?

elle2404 · 05/08/2013 16:00

I wouldn't do anything too hasty, I know this may not be popular with everyone but marriages can survive an affair.
HOWEVER this can happen only if your H is willing to accept responsibility for his actions/stop all contact with the OW and do what is neccessary to help you heal.

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2013 16:01

Oh god, it's worse than I thought.

What the hell? Had he shown those inclinations before?

elle2404 · 05/08/2013 16:01

Sorry I posted my comments before I read your last comment

Original poster
MrsThor · 05/08/2013 16:02

Turns out he has also paid this persons rent last month and gave them money for a new iPhone. Whilst we were skint

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JuliaScurr · 05/08/2013 16:02

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

get the legal stuff sorted

keep busy, plan a treat every day
give yourself time to grieve
ime, just keep going until one day you realise you don't really care about him any more
that day will come
just keep going towards it

Original poster
MrsThor · 05/08/2013 16:05

After much digging from me he has admitted he is bi

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