Just lost my cool with dd finally.

[Ledkr]

Ok so back story is exh left us for a teenager ten years ago amidst much humiliation especially for my boys who were her age. Dd was a baby at the time.
I've always hidden any negative feelings from her about him and the ow, they now have children and he pays nothing for ours and never has.
I worked my arse off to get these kids through college and keep our home. Ex hardly bothers with them and sees dd for a few hrs on a Sunday which I have had to very much instigate.
So now I'm remarried to a lovely man who has practically raised her since she was 5.
She is mostly snappy and dismissive to him no matter what we have tried.
However her dad and his dp can do no wrong and it bloody grates on me as they do nothing for her.
So we are on holiday at the moment. We visit an aquarium and she starts browsing the gift shop.
She has had 35 euros spending money but has spent most of it on sweets and ice creams (another issue)
So she picks something up and says "I can buy this for dad" I said "you don't have enough" she then starts saying she needs to buy his dp and the kids gifts too.
I tell her that she should have saved some money really instead of buying sweets. She then gets arsey saying "it's my dad, they bought me something" I explain again that if she wants to buy gifts she should have saved some money.
Btw I always buy for her sisters Xmas and birthdays and for her dad on Father's Day etc. he would never return the favour.
She carries on wining so I said "look dd, I'm going to draw the line here, a you should have saved some money for gifts and b I have no intention of buying a present for the person who went off with my husband!
So I'm now sat outside the butterfly house feeling like shit.
I don't expect her to understand but it's just so difficult to stay bloody balanced about it all the time.

Btw I was going to give her money for the market tomorrow anyway.

She also has enough left to get her dad a small gift and I would get something small for the girls.
Bearing in mind we don't have much money ourselves and another week to go.

I think that given how restrained you have been about it all so far, you are more than entitled to this. She's old enough to think for herself and to understand, a least a little bit, how imbalanced things are... how you go out of your way to do nice things for her half sisters, yet her father doesn't do anything 'nice' for you or even his own children.

There comes a time - and I think you might just have reached it - where you have to be more honest about the realities of the split, his lack of funding for them and how hurt you were by his selfish actions.

You don't have to spew it all out in one go - but you can stop allowing her to think the sun rises and sets over him.

You sound marvellously restrained to me! Stick to your guns, love.

You are not alone.

Just less than 5 minutes ago DD (16) and I have just had a big squalk and I ended up turning the car around and driving home. She's sat in the car refusing to get out.

These holidays are too long. Roll on September 1st [sad}

Thanks chipping. I feel a right berk now! But yes I think a bit if a reality check might be due

Something small for either her Dad or between her Dad and that bitch his wife - up to her. You are lovely to buy things for her half sisters and she needs to start understanding that she is her Dad's child (hence him buying her a present when he's on holiday) but his girls are not your daughters - so what you do for them goes well beyond the norm!! Not in a nasty way - but in a 'they are your (half) sisters, but they aren't my daughters - so there's a big difference.

I said to her just now. Some ex's don't even speak!
I Lo d of wish I was like that then she might understand a bit.

Don't feel like a berk!! You have been brilliant, it's just time for DD to 'get a bit real' :)

One tip - unless directly asked for something, ignore it.

This has saved me from many arguments with dd where she hints all the fucking time for stuff - if I ignore it she shuts up. So I look vague and go and look at other stuff in the shop if I think she's hinting.

I've maybe been too nice Is what I meant.
I genuinely like her little sisters and do t begrudge them anything but I just felt so annoyed at her entitled attitude.
God teenage girls are self obsessed aren't they?

*laurie" that sounds a really good idea? How old is she?
Dd hints all the time "yum that looks nice etc" and is just so greedy at the moment too.
I'm a bit sad because she's only 11 and I don't seem to be handling her at all well. All I seem to do is go on at her.

I agree with Chipping. You've held your tongue for 10 years - sound restrained to me.

She's 15, but I've been doing it for years

I do a lot of looking vague and not looking directly at her when she's trying to guilt/manipulate me into getting her own way.

And when she asks directly I never say No if I can help it - instead I say 'that sounds like an idea/great idea/a plan - we should think about it' while looking vaguely enthusiastic and walking away.

Or distraction. Or 'must mention it to dh/granny and get some thoughts on it' for other things.

I really try to avoid no as it just leaves something to argue with.

Same techniques as toddlers for teenagers

Your daughter literally could have been me. Same situation - all very similar.
It's only now I look back that I realise I was always seeking my DF approval. DF NEVER took me away with his new family but would always bring me back some crap. It's really hard and despite having a loving family with you, she might still feel a bit lost with it all.
Whatever you're do, I'm sure you're doing a great job, you can't undo the past but you can help your DD understand why things are like they are. I think telling her the truth would really help her respect you and your DH a lot more.

Blimey - you are far nicer than me. There is no way on earth that I would purchase presents for the woman he left me for or their kids.

I think you have been very restrained and it should be her empathising with you not the other way around.

Really do not feel like shit.

Thing is I'm happy now so don't hold a grudge but I do draw the line somewhere.
I think I've been so laid back about it all that she's failed to grasp I might be less than delighted.
My poor boys suffered so much and now are completely fatherless as he never bothers with them.
Dd seems to almost taunt me with it sometimes such as will say how wonderful her dads gf is at something or how forward one of her sisters is in comparison to my dd.
I'm dreading the next five years tbh.

She's 11 - if you haven't locked her in the cellar you are handling her just fine :) It is a tricky age, still young but growing fast... and it's time that 'being protected' from reality really needs to stop for her own good as well as yours.

Actually, why was her Dad bringing her a present back - why didn't he take her with them?? except, probably, we all know the answer to that

He went off with a teenager - ouch! What an immature thing for him to do. Good for you for rising above that and getting on with the job off looking after your DD.

Your dilemma are definitely tough ones - what to do about presents once you have split up, how to support contact with an ex who is obviously been giving you a hard time and how to encourage a good relationship with your DP. I can relate to all these issues currently and mt ex is a bum-hole too .

The present thing is always awkward I find. My ex stopped buying me mother's day pressies/christmas etc. on my DS behalf too. At first I rose above it and thought presents were for my son's benefit. But now I give my DS minimal money - and ask him to make the best use of it/make something to give with it. This seems to me a fair compromise and fits with our family budget. He enjoys giving something he has made from scratch.

If you specified that 35 euros was the sum total of the money your DD would get and that presents were to come out of that - then fair enough. Sometimes kids buy because they they believe gifts will bring them closer with their absent parent (buy the way into their hearts) - particularly if there is some animosity between them and Mum. It must be very difficult for your DD to get her head around her Dad having a separate family and making them his first priority. As a mum; that would also cause a lot of hurt when thinking of your DD and sons. It's not an easy one to navigate if she wants to buy for that reason - particularly if you are trying not to display animosity towards Dad and new partner.

From your excerpt; I would be surprised if your DD does not feel animosity - even though it is not overtly explained. I am not sure if this is the same in your case, but sometimes they start to manipulate as a way of gaining control back. They may also see the absent parent as 'golden' (which is easy if they regularly don't do the everyday stuff/discipling etc). Some kids are particularly 'off' with step-parents if there previous family life was shaken and there is residual anger. It is very unfair on your partner, particularly if he has worked hard to provide a stable environment for your DD.

Why are currently buying presents for all your ex's kids? I understand the father's day thing as he is directly related to your DD. But his kids? Do you have a close relationship with them?

As far as the 'no intention of buying for the person who went off with my husband'. I am sure that most women would feel that in your situation. And it is only human to slip up with what you say from time to time. A chat with your DD to explain why you said that at that time may sort it out.

Good Luck

Just out of interest, did her dad give her spending money for the holiday?

And stop that nonsense with father's day straightaway! Next year, a month beforehand tell her to get saving. Don't mention it again.

Thank you joh can you come and live with us for a bit?
I buy for the girls as dd adores them and would feel bad when she got her Xmas gifts from them.
To be fair when he makes his token visit at Xmas he brings. Gift for my toddler dd too.
I think I will chat to her later but she seems very self very self centred and lacking empathy at the moment. Is that pretty standard? I've only done boys who were remarkably easier, just. Smellier.

Of course not!! He gives her nothing and treats the others like princesses. He even asked me to drop her off to him the other day as "I've got the kids haven't I ?"
I didn't of course.
Yes he's a prize prick and I know she won't ever see that but I've spent ten years trying to smooth things over.
He took his new family on holiday in may and I can't even remember what tat he gave her but it was literally tat.
He's mentioned taking her away with them but he's too much of an idiot and I'd be worried shed end up left babysitting while they went out at night.
He'd never do it anyway as it would have to be term time

You really lost a good man there, didn't you?

I wouldn't give her any money to buy things for him or his partner. The children are different, as they are step siblings, so I can understand her bringing them something like sweets.

How does your daughter get on with her brothers?

Love them but they are adults with their own lives now.
They were dad to her really as they did lots of childcare while I worked, really amazing lads.
I'm always surprised by dds reaction as she was 8 months so had never really known him at home.
He was a great guy for many years then met up with an old school friend started smoking weed and the rest is history.
I think I have tried too bloody hard to be amicable and shot myself in the foot.
My own mother wouldn't even say my dads name when we were kids so I guess I've over compensated as I didn't want to be like that.

It is completely understandable how you have been with DD. It's admirable and far from what I would have been able to do but it's time for DD to start to understand more deeply and to learn some empathy... but good luck with that, she's 11 it's me me me me me for most of them at that age - pretty bloody frustratingly normal! That's not to say you don't need to do what you can to stamp it out enable her to have a more balance view and to think of others - especially you and DH instead of her feckless father and his bit