Just lost my cool with dd finally.

[Ledkr]

Ok so back story is exh left us for a teenager ten years ago amidst much humiliation especially for my boys who were her age. Dd was a baby at the time.
I've always hidden any negative feelings from her about him and the ow, they now have children and he pays nothing for ours and never has.
I worked my arse off to get these kids through college and keep our home. Ex hardly bothers with them and sees dd for a few hrs on a Sunday which I have had to very much instigate.
So now I'm remarried to a lovely man who has practically raised her since she was 5.
She is mostly snappy and dismissive to him no matter what we have tried.
However her dad and his dp can do no wrong and it bloody grates on me as they do nothing for her.
So we are on holiday at the moment. We visit an aquarium and she starts browsing the gift shop.
She has had 35 euros spending money but has spent most of it on sweets and ice creams (another issue)
So she picks something up and says "I can buy this for dad" I said "you don't have enough" she then starts saying she needs to buy his dp and the kids gifts too.
I tell her that she should have saved some money really instead of buying sweets. She then gets arsey saying "it's my dad, they bought me something" I explain again that if she wants to buy gifts she should have saved some money.
Btw I always buy for her sisters Xmas and birthdays and for her dad on Father's Day etc. he would never return the favour.
She carries on wining so I said "look dd, I'm going to draw the line here, a you should have saved some money for gifts and b I have no intention of buying a present for the person who went off with my husband!
So I'm now sat outside the butterfly house feeling like shit.
I don't expect her to understand but it's just so difficult to stay bloody balanced about it all the time.

lol Ledkr - a very kind offer indeed

I can help in that I have been that 11 year old girl with separated parents and animosity, and also (now) the parent (with a 10 year old) that separated from their ex three years ago. So I can see both sides of the situation - to an extent.

Bringing up girls is different - especially when they are reaching their pubescent years. From my experience: a lot (but not all girls) are much more subtle and complicated in the way that they express things. Monitoring behaviour is much more of a mind game than with boys (who may have more of a tendency to get frustrated/lose their temper and then cry). It's quite normal for pubescent children (any gender) to become more self-centred as they deal with becoming independent/changing shape. They can still have toddler-type tantrums when things don't go their way though.

It doesn't really matter if she agrees/disagrees with you later when you talk to her. I think it is just about explaining why you said it and for her to say her piece to. It could be an opportunity to understand better what is going on with each of you. I agree with Chipping in that she may be ready for some select info. on why you said what you did - so long as it is approached in a kind way. Nothing that cannot be repeated elsewhere!

TBH it sounds like you have done a great job so far, as a stepmother in a mirror image of your situation, the kids have no clue as to the circumstances as to their parents split and I think that is right, as some of it is deeply private.
That said the responses to your OP are making me reflect and wonder if my DP is right to want to tell the 15 & 12 year old.
As for the present thing, I get in with lovely suggestions first when we see something appropriate and cheap and suggest its for mum, partner doesn't even figure in the conversations. (After much ignoring in the past).

If they are 15 you should give them their own account and regular money going in and they buy everything with that. Clothes etc. Then you don't get the hints, they buy what they can afford. End of. That way they might work that harder so that they can one day progress from Primark to Prada.

Anyway it's not fair on them not to set clear boundaries.

The issue around 'buying stuff for Dad and his family' must grate, but again it's something she will only come to grips with when she has her own budget to work with. It sounds as though she is goading you slightly - but remember it will be natural for her to want you and him to get along so you can't blame her for that. Horrible situation for everyone really.

I think it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job.
My daughter is 12 and has an almost permanent sulky face, argues every minor point and makes me feel generally crap about my parenting skills.
Her dad and I are still together, but if we weren't I'm sure she would use the situation as another stick to beat me with.

You are not alone!
And your reply about the present for the GF made me chuckle

Noobie, the OP's daughter is aged 11.

At the end of the day however much of a complete twat he was or is-he is still her father. I don't think its unusual for girls that age to hero worship their fathers-even if they are bad fathers.

11 is a difficult age anyway and being in a step family is not easy. Have things improved with the inlaws?-do they make any more effort with your dd?.

pinup tbh they don't make much effort with dd2 either especially since the holiday when we finally stood up to them. Funny lot really. Pride themselves on being a close family but only when it suits them.
Dh and I have had lots of wine influenced late night chats during our holiday and he's admitted that they are very tight and uptight which he reflects on being a key point of his childhood.
Couldn't have friends to stay or for tea, very stingy holidays and packed lunches.
This explains the greedy overstaying during visits and stinginess when we stay there etc which has led to bad feeling on my part as I despise tight wads.
They are well off btw.

10 years of resisting the temptation to explain your ex is not all that.
5 years of that married to a good man who is a stable influence and better role model for your sons.
You put a decade to good use and sadly she may hero worship the absent father precisely because he will seem lax and easy-going the few hours she sees him every month.

She may not quite register it yet or ever articulate it but every time she raves about his partner or their kids, at the back of her mind a little voice will be whispering,
He's with them because he likes them best, not me, not Mum, nor my brothers.

I remember thinking I'd make a tape for my DCs around her age to play in the car, "Money doesn't grow on trees", "You only just ate something half an hour ago", "Too many sweets are bad for your teeth" (trying to dodge any overtones which are there when we bring up weight or puppy fat), "That's lovely for X or Y having this or that, too bad we don't".

I didn't have a Disney dad ex or his new family to contend with, I think that might have tipped me over the edge.

Can't help but wonder, if as your DD reaches adolescence, your ex will take fright - at present he probably likes the hero worship. Your H may find, through no new effort on his part, he will be the one your daughter trusts and respects because he has remained consistent and a positive force in her life.

Thanks. I just had another spat with her unrelated but I just find her so difficult at the moment. It's obviously harder cis camping so its more apparent that she's unhelpful and at times ungrateful and demanding.
I feel I need to start fresh and try to be less picky and encourage her more positively.
God, she makes all 3 boys seem a doddle.

I find it very strange that your DD has not questioned her fathers relationship, or rather lack of, with her brothers. Does she not think it unusual?

I was desperate for my father to love me at her age. I don't think you need to drum home the realities; this is a kid trying very hard to deny them, from the sounds of it he doesn't go to great lengths to hide his lack of any real concern.

I would be more honest about the circumstances of the split and his lack of support. I would also stop pushing him to build and keep a relationship with her. I know you meant well, so did my own mother, but you're making her desperate for crumbs from his table and that isn't a habit ideal for a young girl yo get into. Took me a good decade to lose that in terms of boyfriends, tbh.

I think Laurie's ignoring hints strategy sounds perfect. And go easy on yourself - you have done miracles, from the sounds of it.

If it helps, I stopped all contact with my father when I had my first child, though I'm still close with his kids from a later marriage (he's on wife 4. For now). I just didn't want my kids subjected to his bullshit. So you do wise up as you grow up - it just hurts, to face the reality that your own father doesn't actually give a fuck about you. She knows you love her, and her stepdad, because she can risk being a PITA to you. That won't be something she ever risks with Dad. She can't afford to.

I said "look dd, I'm going to draw the line here, a you should have saved some money for gifts and b I have no intention of buying a present for the person who went off with my husband!

She was only a baby when it happened - there is no way you can expect her to understand, not until she's much older, and certainly not at 11, and age when the world revolves around themselves!

To her, her dad's girlfriend is just that, and not the teenager that he ran off with - that's who she is to you.

You sound like such a loving mum, especially having been through such a rough time, and your DD does sound quite insecure regarding her dad and his girlfriend. Instead of getting frustrated with her, try to keep it positive; let her know that you love her unconditionally, and just keep in mind what a tough age it is, especially for girls, so try to take things with a pinch of salt.

It's really difficult, but you really need to try to keep your feelings about your exH out of it, because he is still her dad. I'm sure your DH has been absolutely fab, but because her dad is still in her life, he isn't a replacement in her eyes. It's frustrating for you to have to see, especially if your exH isn't a very good parent, but a rubbish dad will usually trump a brilliant step dad at her age.

Just sending lots of support because it's a tough situation to be in, and I think you're doing brilliantly. Apologies if anything I said came across as harsh, that certainly wasn't my intention.

I love the pinch of salt idea actually and that's what I have to do I think.
I am mostly positive for example feigning excitement when gf had the baby and taking her to choose a gift and card,
When they went on holiday she was very tearful si I pointed out how nice it will be for her sisters to have a holiday as we have lots.
I just feel my limit comes occasionally when she's speaking to dh like shit or singing their praises when they actually do nothing for her.
Dies that make sense? But you are right I need to bite my tongue.

Aww ledkr. You are an absolutely brilliant mother, and your DH is a great dad to your dd. And she is a lovely girl as well, you have done a great job in hiding all the hurt about your Ex and what he did as best you can. I don't blame you for snapping.

I think though at her age she takes you and DH for granted as you are always there, she knows you always will be and your love for her is certain. However with her father and his wife she possibly senses that it is all a bit transient, hence the presents. She probably puts them on some kind of pedestal because she sees them periodically, and you are there every day.

I probably bore people senseless because I say it all the time but the age of 11/12 was THE most difficult part of parenting. They are children, but growing and developing adult emotions which sometimes they can't deal with. Plus all that year 6 crap, and transition to High school. And ENDLESS friendship shite. Plus a shit load of hormones to boot. I sometimes found dd completely bloody exasperating.

And at that time I had a major falling out with my mother (we still don't speak) and yet I wanted to ensure that dd maintained a relationship with her. It REALLY pissed me off forking out money for dd to buy her a birthday card etc, traipsing around the shops to find the present etc. she put my mother on a pedestal as well. I had to bite my tongue but sometimes snapped. I think it is normal. Plus probably good to see that you as a mother are not some automaton and it is OK to express hurt and annoyance at something when there has been such a hurtful history.

Anyway the bloody godforsaken annoying stage only lasted 18 months or so, since dd has been a teenager she has been an angel. So don't necessarily dread the teenage years, they might be a piece of piss. But your dd is at a really trying age, lovely as she is. I used to take dd out for a cup of tea in a cafe and quietly tell her that her behaviour was getting me down, and have a real discussion about it (which worked short term until she found another way to piss me off )

Hope you're having a lovely holiday besides this stuff btw.