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Original poster

Help! Mother is dangerously overweight, how do I broach it...?

41 replies

babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:09

Inspire me, she's coming over in an hour.

Mum is, I guess, bordering on 20 stone (and five foot five.) She broke her leg last year and still limps and won't walk more than half an hour and am sure her weight won't help. Her diet has got progressively worse, she cooks but veg are always smothered in butter, she does use a lot of processed, eats a lot of cheese etc.

Am seriously concerned she will soon have a heart attack, break her leg again, or worse. Have bought a copy of the Fast Diet which I was going to give to her when she comes and say I was concerned but any other tactful inspiration would be welcome - feel too involved and frustrated and don't want to say too much and sim

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OctopusPete8 · 05/08/2013 13:11

Its a tough one, doe's she suffer from her weight in other ways?

Original poster
babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:11

Bloody phone!

And simply piss her off. She is very blunt to others, often quite rude, but this doesn't mean she can take it well herself (annoyingly.)

So, how would you broach it managing to say how serious this is but by being encouraging...?

She's coming at 2!

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OctopusPete8 · 05/08/2013 13:14

If it effects her in other ways you could edge it in that way, how about offer to do something together?

frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 13:14

I don't think it is your place to say anything - assuming she is able to read and write then I am sure she is aware of the risks herself. She is old enough to make her own decisions, surely?

The only thing you could do is encourage exercise by doing something with her such as more walking (even if it is half an hour a day), and leave magazines around for her so you know she is informed (general mags with a bit on health and weight in - not specific mags for this issue as that would just be insulting). But, imo, it is her choice, her life, her body and quite frankly nothing to do with you however much you love her.

IDismyname · 05/08/2013 13:16

The need to loose weight has got to come from your friend and not you.

Have you lost a lot of weight recently? If so, you could ask how she was sleeping, for instance. If the answer is "Really badly" etc etc, then you could say "Oh, I sleep so much better these days since I lost the weight. I tell you what, do you fancy borrowing my book? Its brilliant. I feel so much better" etc etc.

I would be mortified to be presented with a diet book by a friend. (I do hope you're not a slim size 8 and have no trouble keeping that way, as I'd be doubly mortified Hmm)

Original poster
babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:19

Kind of. She says she's' old' and uses that as an excuse - she is 63. She can't and won't walk much but doesn't have any other issues as such. She has also never been ill or in hospital other than to have children so I think has a false sense of security

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Original poster
babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:20

Blue its my mother, not friend. It has to come from her, I agree, but she's getting bigger all the time.

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thegreylady · 05/08/2013 13:23

She knows-believe me she knows.She wants to lose weight but hates the thought of giving up the pleasure of comfort eating when she is alone.When she walks for long her leg aches and she feels just a bit breathless and she gets snappy about it because she knows what to do and just can't quite.[She could be me :)] I'd suggest dieting together or going to a Slimming Club together [I'd do anything to spend 1 to 1 time with dd] or is there a special event for which she could plan a new outfit which you could shop for?That's what has got me going and I am going to Slimming World this week!

Original poster
babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:23

My sister mentioned in passing the other week that perhaps they could try Slimming World and was told 'we'll see' and then she changed the subject. I am not sure she realises the health implications, or is in denial, but obviously I can hardly stand there and list them!
Am doing the Fast Diet myself (am also five foot five and currently an unappealing 12 stone.)

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frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 13:24

You really can't give her the book - please don't.

Having worked with people with eating disorders - I really would advise against saying anything direct in most cases. If eating is a comfort thing for her, the likelihood is that once you are gone she will eat more to comfort herself.

It has to come from her when she thinks she has a problem. Regardless of what you think, some people are happy and remain healthy when overweight. If she has shown an interest in losing weight then that changes everything and you could support her if she is asking for help. Then the book would be appropriate.

I agree with the poster who said it will be a double insult if you are a size 8 and never struggled with your weight.

Original poster
babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:25

greylady that's exactly the tactic my sister went for as its her wedding in Feb.

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frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 13:27

Cross posted. If you are trying to lose weight then you could do it together. That would be great but again, only if she wants to.

Is she lonely and comfort eating alone - perhaps a dog would be good and would require walking?

Original poster
babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:28

She has a dog, he's fat too! She says he doesn't like long walks now he's 11 (never seems to be an issue when we look after him!)

Am stumped aren't I?!

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Missbopeep · 05/08/2013 13:30

I don't know > Maybe me and my family are just more outspoken. But in this situation I'd just be totally honest. I think I'd start off by saying I wanted to talk about something, and say I was very worried for her. I'd ask her if her weight was something she was worried about and take it from there.....maybe offer some support etc if she wanted it......

Life's too short to walk on eggshells- just say what you want to in a kindly way.

frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 13:30

I think you are stumped really!!

You don't want to damage your relationship with her by insulting her or upsetting her.

If she hasn't taken the offer of going to SW with your sister, then she isn't wanting to tackle it.

What about getting a vet to say that the dog has to be walked two miles a day without fail for its health or whatever they would say if it went to the vet!! That may mean that she has no choice.

yop · 05/08/2013 13:32

I wouldn't bother to say anything.

She's a grown up, she's not stupid, she'll be well aware that she's got a weight problem.

Certainly when I was obese I wouldn't have thanked anyone for mentioning it to me. Your intervention is likely to make her defensive and cross (and hungry).

Leave her be.

frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 13:34

Missbopeep - if somebody did that to me then that would be it. I wouldn't go near them again - more so if it was somebody I was close to - as I would be so insulted that it bothered them that much that they have to say something - almost as if my personality was not enough for them and my weight insulted them.

At the end of the day - who elses business is it if somebody is over weight. It is not a daughters, a mothers or a friends. It would be different if it was a condition that the person suffering wouldn't know about but we all know about weight and health - you would have to live on Mars not to these days.

I think it has to be the person who is overweight who brings up the subject and then it can be tackled.

Missbopeep · 05/08/2013 13:35

How is it insulting someone to say you are worried about them?

This whole weight thing has become so emotive, in society as a whole.

Even school nurses are now no longer allowed to write and tell parents their children are obese.

It's become a pc issue.

As I say, my family are quite close- we all discuss our weight, whether we need to lose some or whatever. I'd have no issue at all with telling my mum ( if she were 20 stones) that her life was in danger and I was worried.

But it all depends on the relationship you have. maybe it's all about tough love and you just have to get on with it, and be prepared for a major sulk, but on reflection some of what you say might do some good.

Squitten · 05/08/2013 13:36

I sympathise. My Mum is the same but she's about a decade younger than yours and has just been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, which her own mother also developed in later life. She's short and seems to carry all her weight on her stomach so she literally looks pregnant.

She also cannot see the problem. She keeps saying she's losing weight and the doctors say she's fine, which I think is total rubbish. But she comes from a long line of people who do not understand nutrition and think that doughnuts "don't have much bad in them." Hmm Even worse, she keeps getting into relationships with people who are equally unhealthy, just as her current partner is.

I don't think they can lose weight unless they want to TBH. It's not just about dieting, it's about an entire lifestyle change and you just can't sustain that unless you are driven to it. I just try to give helpful advice if and when she brings it up, recommending healthier stuff if she's talking about food, etc. It's very frustrating.

Missbopeep · 05/08/2013 13:37

I don't get that frog- if you were drinking or smoking yourself to death would you want them to ignore it? It's got nothing to do with your 'personality being enough'- it's because they care about you and your health.

Is that so hard to accept?

Original poster
babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:37

Ironically, she is very quick to criticise others. Whether it be weight, opinions, appearance etc. Half habit half defence mechanism.

Agree life's too short to walk on eggshells and generally we do nothing of the sort. The book was a way of opening the subject and see how she reacted, 'I'm doing this and think it may be a good idea...' sort of thing.

I am seriously concerned she's going to have some serious illness / condition if she doesn't take it seriously - is it selfish to want to try and stop that, even if it pisses her off?!

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Original poster
babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:40

MissBoPeep I agree with you.

However, that unfortunately doesn't solve anything!!

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frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 13:44

Missbopeep - if I was smoking or drinking myself to death, of course I would want people to ignore it. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and wouldn't want others treating me like a child. There is enough literature around about the risk of smoking and drinking - it is on tv, in magazines, at docs surgeries etc etc. Somebody saying something about it is not telling me something I don't already know - what it does tell me is that they are being critical.

I know of several people where well meaning friends and relatives have made things worse for people by saying something. Its very dependent on the addicts personality - some respond to a sharp shock of somebody saying something. Others would be mortified or depressed by it and get worse. Unfortunately I fall into the second camp - fortunately I do not have a problem that anybody has yet mentioned!!

Each to their own - every person is different and only the person in the situation can really judge it.

Missbopeep · 05/08/2013 13:45

Well, in your shoes I'd take a deep breath and just get it of your chest.

Say your mum drops dead from a heart attack in 6 months, or develops breast cancer from being overweight- would you kick yourself for not saying something, or be happier that you hadn't ruffled her feathers?

I know which I'd choose.

Original poster
babysaurus · 05/08/2013 13:47

Thanks.
Wish me luck...!

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