Husband says I'm not sophisticated

[BumpkinMe]

He was helping DD take a shower yesterday. He is usually quite rough, splashing water on her face when she clearly doesn't like it, and repeatedly soaping her face. He does seem to have a "thing" about being clean.

Yesterday, I could clearly see DD being in distress. She can sometimes exaggerate and moan like a typical 6 year old, but this wasn't one of those times. After me warning him to stop and him not listening, I grab the shower head. He resists. I say "Stand there and I'll show you how to wash her face without her screaming the place down". He says NO and walks away. I see red and grab on to his shirt and don't let go. This tussle goes on for a few seconds. Shit, even writing it down makes me embarrassed.

I shout at him and say "Don't do that to a child. Stop if she doesn't like it. You are wrong to do that" He shouts, "Its only soap and water. And you are unsophisticated." Presumably because I grabbed his shirt. Yes, it wasn't my finest hour.

But next morning, when I try to put the fight behind us, he says he doesn't want to talk to an "unsophisticated low-life" His words exactly.
Is this what he really thinks of me? Haven't spoken to him since. Shell-shocked. And very sad.

How did he make it so personal? About me? I talked about his behaviour. He, on the other hand, is talking about ME. I am so sad.

Sorry for the epic. Just needed an outlet.

Poor kid

I don't understand what he's on about, saying you're not sophisticated.

He sounds very strange himself. If he was rough with my daughter, I wouldn't let him near her in those situations.

Erm, how is it about you? This is a man who is choosing to make your daughter scream because of some cleanliness issues. Who's the lowlife?

He's angry with you and you need to apologise for grabbing, for being aggressive, and for being patronising in trying to 'teach' him how to wash dd's face.

I suggest you not get involved when he's washing her - she's 6, she's going to let him know if she doesn't like it.

Or wash her entirely yourself.

If you're suggesting he is abusing her then I retract my thoughts and suggest you leave/move out etc.

But I don't think you are suggesting that so leave him to wash his daughter as he sees fit.

Have either of you spoken to DD?

Unsophisticated was clearly misused here. I wouldn't take that to heart. What an idiot, though. Why can't he wash her in a way which doesn't cause her distress.

Laurie, would you really let him wash your daughter again?

Is this an isolated incident with your DD? Have you ever had any concerns before about the way he deals with her?

Yes, AF, I felt very sorry for DD. I'm concerned, if he keeps this up, he is just going to alienate her. He is very "old-school", with things like finishing food on your plate, getting "wholesome exercise" outdoors. But it quickly escalates into finger-pointing arguments about how I haven't encouraged her in these things.

Imperial that's exactly what I said. "You're not giving DD a bath anymore". Actually, I shouted "Don't come near her anymore!!"

Imperial - yes of course he can wash his / our daughter.

Unless she is being abused. Whole different kettle of fish then.

People don't always do it the way the other partner wants then too.

So if not abuse then let people get on with it

He is just pissed off with you that's all. My wife has a tendency to think she is the font of all knowledge when it comes to child related issues and always buts in for no reason which pisses me off so maybe he just feels the same.

Was he really hurting her or did you just not like the way he was doing it.

If it was the former then surely he has done this at other times in the last 6 years and you need to evaluate your relationship of that is the case.

Of it is the latter the you need to look at how you handled it and ask yourself if you could perhaps have handled it better.

Laurie, this would be enough for me to stop him doing it again, when he clearly wasn't accepting he would have to change:

He is usually quite rough, splashing water on her face when she clearly doesn't like it, and repeatedly soaping her face.

I could clearly see DD being in distress.

Hmm, 'unsophisticated low life' is exactly the kind of thing my abusive ex would say to me (I was a 'chav' if I dared to stand up to him). Alarm bells ringing here, sorry.

Laurie I usually don't get involved. DD has made her feelings quite clear, she says DH is rough. I've seen it as well- soap up the nose, all over her closed eyelids. She hasn't been on a building site all day, so need for that level of thoroughness.

I've mentioned this many times, but every time he helps out during bathtime, its the same old story. I'm more irritated by the fact that he never listens and thinks his way is the right way.

I've made mistakes as well, but try to adapt the getting dressed/bathing/cleaning room routine, so there is minimal fuss on both sides.

What ImperialBlether and AnyFucker said :(

I don't see the correlation between showering your daughter and not being sophisticated. Does he even know what the word means? However, if my DH treated any of my DC in that way and called me a low life I would kick the fucker out. There's something not right there and it's got naff all to do with sophistication.

I've seen it as well- soap up the nose, all over her closed eyelids.

And how would this brute feel if someone was to do that to him, repeatedly, in the face of him being distressed by this

I don't think that was really the right time to be 'tussling'; in front of your daughter while she's standing there in the shower, upset. It shouldn't have happened at anytime but that was a really bad time. He should definitely be more caring with her so you were right in what you were saying but you handled the situation badly, but you know that, right. Was she ok after? Did you talk to her about it?

I'd just laugh if my H called me 'unsophisticated' I mean, what sort of an insult is that? It's a bit of a strange thing to say. Saying you are a low-life on the other hand, that's really nasty.

What else has been going on in the lead up to this?

Surely you should be more concerned that he thinks it's ok to do that to a child. Hid child. I'm guessing that's not how he washed his face is it

*his

And tell him HE is the unsophisticated one for using SOAP on a child's face.

maleview I do try very, very hard not to butt in when it comes to childcare. Especially seeing, DH works long hours and gets to spend time with DD only during weekends.

But I try telling him "its easier if you do it this way". Not because I think I'm the fount of all knowledge, but because I've spent more time with my daughter and I know just a tiny bit more about what makes her tick. Simple as that.

If he was the main carer, I'm sure I'll defer to him on certain issues, especially during shouty bathtimes.

That sounds horrible for your poor dd. My six year old usually showers herself (I may occasionally bark orders at her to do it properly while I'm pottering around) perfectly adequately without me needing to soap her up - how odd!

Good behaviour sound horrid tbh - the sort of thing that could leave her with lasting issues.