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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure how to cope

50 replies

Absolutelylost · 05/08/2013 06:49

DH moved out a month ago. Things had been rumbling on for a year but I'm devastated. Majority of my RL friends and family think I'm well rid but it's not something I feel. I'm still in love with him and am hoping for a reconciliation but suspect I'm still in denial.

On Thursday night he went to a festival, collapsed, went into respiratory and cardiac arrest, was resuscitated twice at site, brought by ambulance to intensive care, was on a ventilator, intubated etc. He seems to be doing remarkably well physically - although his short term memory has been affected. They haven't found anything yet but doing tests, he'll be in for a week at least. He's hugely in denial, reckons he'll be back at work within a week, denies its anything to do with excessive drinking, smoking, stress. Assumes he'll be going back to his 3rd floor bedsit, even though he can't walk to the end of the ward yet. He's not yet 50 and we have a 5 year old daughter and I have older children.

I just don't know how to cope anymore. I'm absolutely physically exhausted, trying to keep up with house, part time job, children, visiting etc. My head is on a loop the whole time, analysing every single thing he says, trying to see signs of hope for us, even though i know his head's all over the place. I wake before 6 every morning fretting and although I have lots of people to talk to, I still feel totally isolated. I'm starting to feel I'm a huge drain on everybody. We were all going on holiday on Saturday, which I've obviously had to cancel so the kids are all very upset but they understand.

I have been such a strong person but am absolutely at the end of my tether. I'm in tears virtually all the time and just don't know how to manage any more.

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Original poster

Absolutelylost · 05/08/2013 06:53

I think being kept at arms length by him when I am worried sick makes the whole thing even harder to cope with.

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Roshbegosh · 05/08/2013 06:58

I am sorry to hear he is ill. You sound like you have too much going on for you to cope with, how much visiting are you doing? Sadly for him he is no longer your priority and you need to focus on keeping your health, your children, your job and your home together. I know the school holidays are particularly difficult, can someone give you some practical help like cook dinner or do some housework for you? You could go to the GP and they might sign you off for a while but that is only a short term help. So sorry to hear you are facing all this but whether he can go back to his bedsit or not is way down your list. Look after yourself however you can.

Original poster

Absolutelylost · 05/08/2013 07:03

Only visiting for an hour a day in the afternoon, hospital about 20 mins away, so not excessive. I feel a bit sad that no one has offered me any physical help to be honest. I am such a coper usually but I feel overwhelmed.
Think I will go to the GP today, wonder if AD's might help.

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Roshbegosh · 05/08/2013 07:23

That is the trouble with being a coper, people don't offer and you are not in the habit of asking. I doubt the GP will prescribe ADs as you need some rest. Do you have to visit every day? Could you take a day off work and still use child care to give yourself a few hours down time and skip the hospital visit. I think whatever you do this will be an enormously demanding time but anything that takes any pressure off you is worth pursuing. You are keeping everything and everyone afloat but you need to put your own needs up there and give them attention, otherwise if you fall apart everything will crash. There is only so much you can do xx

Original poster

Absolutelylost · 05/08/2013 07:41

I am having trouble disentangling my feelings about the separation from what's happened physically. Think that's mostly the problem. Couldn't bear to miss a visit - it's more time we've spent together than in weeks and it feels comfortable. Think I'll see if GP will sign me off for a short time, then that's one less worry.

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EBearhug · 05/08/2013 08:41

Have you told your friends and family you're not coping and need help? Copers tend not to get help, because everyone is used to them managing. I know from experience that they probably will be glad to help out, after the initial responses of, "oh, you're always so sorted," and similar.

You need support. Ask for it. People like veing useful. Take care of yourself as well as everyone else.

Original poster

Absolutelylost · 05/08/2013 09:31

Been signed off for two weeks, and am going to ask my parents if they can come down for a few days.

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Original poster

Absolutelylost · 05/08/2013 09:33

I am on the phone constantly to everyone, worrying that I am being a drain. Just want to switch my head off for a while.

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Original poster

Absolutelylost · 05/08/2013 16:06

He's having an angiogram at the moment. Worried sick. He's on about discharging himself against medical advice tomorrow.

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EBearhug · 05/08/2013 22:11

How are things going, Absolutely? I hope you're getting by. Has anyone been with you this evening?

Original poster

Absolutelylost · 05/08/2013 22:24

Feeling a little calmer thanks. Went to hospital, turns out the angiogram found two blocked arteries. They put stents in one and will do the other one shortly. He is shell shocked as convinced himself there was no problem. Quite cranky with me, but I am expecting a big emotional fall out as he comes to terms with it. Went to see his sister as she lives near hospital, then collected my DD from a neighbour and had a chat with her. Feeling the love a bit more tonight.

Also helped by finding out that our travel insurance will cover the lost holiday. Tried to book a cleaner from an agency but no luck yet.

Thanks for asking - appreciate it.

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EBearhug · 05/08/2013 22:29

At least you've got more idea what's going on now - that always helps, I find, because you've got more idea what you're dealing with. And good news about the travel insurance. I hope you sleep well tonight - being rested always helps, too.

(Note to self: Must sort out travel insurance.)

Original poster

Absolutelylost · 05/08/2013 23:27

Came with an old bank account; almost forgot we had it.

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Original poster

Absolutelylost · 06/08/2013 10:57

Still trying to find a cleaner but feeling a bit more in control this morning!

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EBearhug · 06/08/2013 22:39

That's good to hear!

ImperialBlether · 06/08/2013 23:26

He's a very, very lucky man, isn't he? He's treated you badly, told you he doesn't want to be with you, become suddenly very ill and you are behind him all the way. Would he have done the same for you at the same point in your history?

Original poster

Absolutelylost · 07/08/2013 07:41

No, he wouldn't.

And, in fact, theres been a bit of a watershed. He's discharged himself against advice of whole medical team - gone to stay with some new chums to recuperate. Won't have a recommended preventative procedure as couldn't drive for 6 months. Am beyond furious at his selfishness. I have to step back now for a while. It's going to kill me otherwise and I feel a sense of relief almost.

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ImperialBlether · 07/08/2013 10:31

I think there are two things going on.

He has checked out of your marriage. He's told you it's over. Your friends and family think you are well rid; think about what they are saying.

Then he was ill. This has brought out all your caring feelings towards him. You did far too much for him while he was ill. You didn't give him the chance to miss you and to wish you were there.

Then you cancelled a holiday which really you could have taken your children on. Is there any way you can reinstate that? You sound as though you and they could do with a break.

It is really, really hard when someone we love tells us they want to get out of the relationship. You are still in shock. But listen to your friends and family; they think you are better off out of the relationship. Presumably you trust them? Listen to them.

Original poster

Absolutelylost · 07/08/2013 21:10

I couldn't manage that particular holiday on my own but a kind friend has offered me the use of her gorgeous house in a couple of weeks and I'm going to take that offer up.

I do think about what friends and family say; my head can see it but my heart is a way behind....

Had a really nice day out with my DD's today and felt so much better being away and out of contact. He has texted twice, I ignored one and answered the other in a peremptory fashion. That felt good!

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Original poster

Absolutelylost · 07/08/2013 21:26

Then he was ill. This has brought out all your caring feelings towards him. You did far too much for him while he was ill. You didn't give him the chance to miss you and to wish you were there.

I do see this - but it was cardiac arrest, not a bit of flu! It was impossible not to go into overdrive...

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marriednotdead · 07/08/2013 21:55

So much I could say but worried that I could be projecting. It all sounds remarkably similar to my life recently although DH and I are still under one roof so far...

Have a look at this and see if it rings any bells for you.

Original poster

Absolutelylost · 07/08/2013 22:24

Have to admit, I have already seen this and made a few notes!!

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Original poster

Absolutelylost · 08/08/2013 18:46

Still not making contact and feeling much better!

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CatsAndTheirPizza · 08/08/2013 20:18

Sorry you are going through this. I think you've done the right thing to start looking after you a bit more. You have to be there for your daughter now if his health is poor, plus your older children.

I'm glad people are stepping in and offering help.

Original poster

Absolutelylost · 09/08/2013 22:54

He's now admitted that the chum who he's moved in to for his recuperation is someone with whom he's had a few dates and is now forming a relationship. He wants to introduce her to our 5 year old DD. Still, I know where I am now...

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