His critical attitude is exhausting me !

[Frecklesandspecs]

I ve been married for nearly five years and have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. I am currently pregnant with no 3 due in about 8 weeks.
Anyway my husband has, as long as I can remember been a critical person. I read the signs before we married but over the years it has slowly eaten away at me. I got to the point where I just ignore thecomments and shut down but I am finding it exhausting now. I was diagnosed with placenta previa a few weeks ago after a bleed and am high risk of bkeeding again as I am also on blood thinners. Anyway that is beside the point but basically I feel lime a bit of a time bomb at the moment.
There is no way of me taking it easy on the drs orders with 2 young kids let alone from being criticised at for everything under the sun. I can't do anything right from hanging out the washing to feeding the kids.
I am so stressed at the moment from walking on eggshells for so long.
I never receive the slightest compliment, he Will not sit and talk and tuts and mutters about things constantly.
I know this won't change. I get up at 6.30am and don't sit down until 7pm at the earliest just because I know he Will find fault with something I haven't done.
I'm a wreck at the moment.
I often wish I could get out but I just don't have the means or k.ow how to atm.
:-(

I am far from perfect but I have revolved my whole life around him and trying to get things right or change my ways but nothing is ever good enough.

Brace yourself for a roller coaster of truths, but they're all from a good place.

You do know it's not sustainable, and it's not you?

Xxx

Dh. I try to think that way ie, its not just me. But I often wonder why he seems to despise me so much.
Its the moods as well which add to it. He can hardly say a word to me in a week if I've done something he doesn't like.
Ill cook him dinner every night but when he is in a mood he won't eat it:-(
I know deep down I don't deserve this behaviour but when I reach breaking point he Will turn nice for a few days. Then I get confused!

...And I wonder if he does it on purpose to hurt me or if he really does loathe me but feels he has to stay for the me andthe kids. X

...And I wonder if he does it on purpose to hurt me or if he really does loathe me but feels he has to stay for the me andthe kids. X

Stop cooking for him, doing washing, everything. If he moans anyway then it won't make any difference and you will have less to do.

Fwiw. My DH used to be like this as him and his ex were as bad as each other, I pulled him up on it every single time. He now very very very rarely does it, and a look from me has him back tracking.

He loathes himself. What a sad specimen he must be. And yes he is trying to hurt you, to make himself feel better about his own inadequacies.

Clearly this relationship is shit and not one you would want your children to model their future relationships on, so there are two choices really. Do you think he would be willing and able to engage in any form of counselling to sort out whatever his deal is or are just going to leave now? Because its not going to spontaneously improve.

Its unlikely he would go to councelling. Tbb yes it is shit chub . There is nothing between us nowdays apart from the children and him working and providing for us financially. I have been a sahm since dd1 was born )
If I had my own resources and more courage and backbone, I probably would have gone by now.
Ratbag, I've tried taking utter up with him but he gets very defensive and its my fault he complains anyway. I think I could deal with complaints if they were not happening every few minutes or so and if he made a tiny effort to say thankyou now andagain.

Mine refused counselling until he realised I was ready to go. Suddenly he's keen and suggesting it himself. I'm not sure I cam be bothered now though. Too little too late.

You need to work out how you could mange on your own. And then when you feel ready tell him his behaviour needs to improve or you'll leave. But you have to be prepared to go through with it and leave if he doesn't change.

My problem is now I've seen his bullying for what it is I think I've lost any respect for him. And now I've visualised life without him i kind of want it

But you o deserve and need better. As do your dc

Freckles, I have had placenta praevia. DO NOT run around making him dinners and the like. You really should be resting up.

It's not you, you sound like the sort of person who would bend over backwards to look after and please people. He is a grumpy dickhead who is being a shit to you because he can. He probably saw how nice and kind you were in the beginning but where most men would think "Oh, isn't she lovely" he thought, "I'll take advantage of THAT good nature"

What you are experiencing is emotional abuse and it can't continue.

You CAN get out. I know the timing isn't great now but when you are ready Womens Aid can help you.

You are worth so much more than this.

Even if he does suddenly offer to go to counselling do NOT go with this man. Most counsellors are fucking useless at recognizing abuse from threads ive seen on here and elsewhere. And it is not recommended in cases of abuse You are worth so much more OP.

Your baby is more important than him. Let him do the care as soon as he gets home, including cooking, baths, bedtime. I had placenta previa too, baby born at 34 weeks and had hyaline membrane disease, and was so ill. You should do as little as possible during the day.

Don't try to please him. It's not possible anyway.

In that case, I still stick by what I said, do absolutely nothing for this man and get yourself some advice what you'd be entitled too when you kick his sorry ass out.

My DH had got into a stupid habit of sniping and griping with his ex. He just had to get out of it, he apologised every time I pulled him up on something, didnt get defensive at all. He rarely does it now, unless he feels the moan is warranted.

Please don't put up with it, it felt bad enough when my DH knew it was wrong, he just needed reminding. To go through it with no let up must be utterly demoralising. What a miserable miserable existence for you. :(

Thank you everyone,
Bounty, I sort of feel the same.
I am really conscious even on here of making out i'm a victim or feeling sorry for myself. I don't, honestly! I am past that stage but I did need someone to show me how it is from the outside. It is so easy to be in the situation and be blinded by it isn't it?
I don't feel anything for him anymore because he has pushed me so far away and I put up my defences long ago (even though I carry on doing the chores and running the house as usual) so it doesn't get me upset as such but more scared or worried about how I could get out if I needed to.
I know it's about timing too.
Thank you, darkeyes. I really can't see him warming to the idea anyway and like bounty said - I think I am past caring even if it did work.
Mom, I am waiting for the next scan to see if it is moving up at all but I am worried about having a c section with not having the help. He has no idea really of pregnancy and no regard for me needing to slow down a bit at 30 weeks. Sorry you had a horrid time. I hope you are better now?
Ratbag, it would have to be me that left I think. I have no family or friends really here where we moved (for his work) and my family live quite a long way away. The only possibility is me going to stay with my mum. He is really my only support system (or not?!) in this area, though my mum comes to stay sometimes.
TY for taking the time all who replied. :)

..and yes, It is a miserable existence. It has sucked all life out of me and I know I have lost any fire I once had and I'm only 32 :(

you know darling, you already are coping on your own. separating will only make things easier.

is he a miserable cunt to everyone or just at home? I suspect it's just at home. He can be pleasant but he feels you don't deserve it. I can't help thinking you will be waking up without that awful feeling of dread once he is living somewhere else

Disengage, step back & look after yourself. When he criticizes let it wash over you, do not run round appeasing this twunt.

Start small, get a bank account in your name. Even if you filter £20 a month away it adds up for you being a deposit on a house, every time you go shopping, get cash back as it shows as just tescos etc. divert it into your account. Child benefit too. As much as you can. If you get enough for a deposit you will feel there's a way out.

Start putting away your vital paperwork, passports, birth certificates etc. just so you can put your hand on them instantly. Take copies or scans of his pension paperwork, wages etc. go on to child maintenance pages, use calculator to wrk out what child maintenance you will get.

You are 32, can you really do this for the 20-30 years.

Next should have been in there.

I bet this is the way his dad treats his mum.
You said you don't want to make yourself out as a victim so I think it's time to stand up for yourself. Get the r and r you need for your new baby and do the minimum for your other kids (can your mum bring Some frozen meals round you could just warm up).
Insist on counselling ASAP. You want him to respect you but your not treating yourself with respect, by running around trying to make things acceptable to him it validates his behaviour and becomes a cycle. If you don't sort this now your sons will grow up to be like him and your daughters to expect that behaviour from there future partners. Put your foot down for them.
Good luck.

My Dad can be a bit like this but does respond well to straight talking e.g. 'you are being grumpy rude and horrible, stop it'. He simply has no idea what he is like when he's in a mood. Mind you he wouldn't dream of criticising how things are done domestically! You shouldn't have to put up with this. Can you explain to your mum how bad things are and get her to come for a couple of days each week? (no idea if this is feasible). Can you get your doctor to talk sternly to DH about getting you a cleaner and babysitter, if he won't help out himself? If he doesn't respect women, perhaps a telling off from a bloke would help. Your main aim must be to stay strong and healthy so you can recover from the birth and then leave.

I had a C-section and wish I'd thought more in advance about things to help me - there is a baby lifting blanket, for instance, and I could have arranged someone to come to the house to help me get the pram out.

moaning, he is pretty charming to everyone else. :( Exactly that. He treats me as though I am one of the kids as though he is telling me off like one of them.
ratbag, Yes, I need to save a bit each month. I am also trying to pass my driving test ( I really need to do that as well). We don't have a joint account, he just puts 'home maintenance' money in mine each month so I have more control of that but I have no access to any other money at the moment. I have no idea where he has his paperwork though, we don't have a joint account (mortgage is in his name ect). Essentially we do live separate lives I guess! I have my passport and kids paperwork though.
Aimee you are really right. Sorry to say my father (died last year) was similar to my mum and even I ran around after them as a child. It's all a vicious circle until someone has the courage to step out of it I guess.

This is going to sound a bit harsh but I hope you know it's coming from a good place. There is a tiny baby depending on you at the moment. He or she needs you to take it easy as much as you possibly can. If you don't there's a risk your placenta will abrupt or you will go into early labour, or both.

Your husband is a grown man. He can take care of himself. By putting pressure on you and expecting you to keep going no matter what he is putting your child in danger. It's time to step up now and stand up for yourself and your children. Forget about leaving him for the time being, you're not well and you're due a baby in 8 weeks. Focus on that and get yourself through as best you can. Take whatever help you can possibly muster - would your mum come and stay for a few weeks? Now isn't the time for more stress and hassle. Your husband is a nasty bully, what he thinks isn't important. Your baby's life is important, hugely, massively important. Any time he criticises, take a breath and think "I'm keeping going for my baby and my children" and let it go. Ignore ignore ignore.

Can you talk to your midwife or HV about your situation? I hate to harp on but placenta previa is very serious and they might be able to help you.

I should add, once the baby's safely here and you're back to your full strength you should definitely see about leaving. The life you're living at the moment sounds horrendous.

Callin thanks. It doesn't sound harsh at all. You are completely right. Everything needs to be in place first and I don't want to risk the health of this baby for anything. My children are all I live for at the moment. This baby was very unplanned and he wanted me to get an abortion but I am really thrilled as its a boy this time after 2 girls.
I just need to bide time. Its been five years like this so a while longer won't kill until baby is safely here.
What a mess though!

Callin thanks. It doesn't sound harsh at all. You are completely right. Everything needs to be in place first and I don't want to risk the health of this baby for anything. My children are all I live for at the moment. This baby was very unplanned and he wanted me to get an abortion but I am really thrilled as its a boy this time after 2 girls.
I just need to bide time. Its been five years like this so a while longer won't kill until baby is safely here.
What a mess though!