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Original poster

DW has depression? Finding it hard to understand

28 replies

MoonlightPicnic · 04/08/2013 20:48

I've been married to my DW for about 16 months, prior to this we were in a very happy and relaxed 6 year relationship. DW is 23 weeks pregnant (planned) and has suffered more then her fair share of aches, pains and morning sickness. Although I'm overjoyed that DW is pregnant she seems to really dislike that she's conceived. Several times she's told me that she wished she'd have had a termination and she'd have gone out, done it and not told me. The other day she told me if she could have it "cut out of her" she'd have been more then happy. I realise that all the pain she's been having might have been prompting this, but I was still a bit shocked. A lot of her time she spends staring into space when I ask her what the matter is she just replies on a quiet voice "I don't feel well". She has been like this throughout the pregnancy and I'm sure was withdrawn at times prior. Today I went to play golf with my brother and see my family (they live about 30 mile away and it's the first time in a few weeks). I left at 10 (ish) and was back at 18:30. A massive argument ensued with her saying that she was lonely and had no one to talk to. She has friends and family nearby. I hate that she's been feeling ill and love her regardless, but I'm having real problems with coping with such a personality change. Any advice would be great!

OP posts:

Joanne279 · 04/08/2013 21:12

Hello moonlight.

Welcome to the world of a hormonal, pregnant and insecure women.

When I was pg I was overjoyed but hormones were a bitch to me. I felt like the she devil and acted like her but all I wanted was the love and support from my partner.

She's probably feeling scared about the changes. Not just to your life but to her body as well.

All I can advise is to offer to talk when she needs to and take burdens off where you can ie, make dinner, wash up etc

Pregnancy can be really tough. Have you spoken to her about what if anything is bothering her?

antimatter · 04/08/2013 21:15

does she work?

has she spoken to her GP about her worries?

Viking1 · 04/08/2013 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Edinbugger · 04/08/2013 21:32

I'd second Viking's comment. I think maybe she needs to talk to GP/midwife. Do you think that's something she'd agree to?

Saffyz · 04/08/2013 21:38

I agree with the comments above suggesting a visit to the GP. If this is depression there is help available. It's well worth making contact with people who can help sooner rather than later. Your wife doesn't have to feel this way and doctors deal with people in this situation all the time so won't bat an eyelid.

Pilgit · 04/08/2013 21:38

ante natal depression is not something that is very common and even more rarely admitted to but it does occur. She needs help. She needs to speak to her GP and get some help. She may not want to take anti-depressants during pregnancy but if that is the only way to get through then that is what she will have to do. I am a depressive and have taken AD's throughout both my pregnancies (I take them all the time). With my first pregnancy I reduced my dose and barely got through - i can relate to her feelings as I felt sick through my first pregnancy and the depression hit hard. I hope she gets the help she needs.

LEMisdisappointed · 04/08/2013 21:40

I absolutely agree that she needs to see a doctor. Is this a stark difference to how she normally would behave? You sound really supportive but it is really hard to be the partner of someone suffering from depression and you need support too - you could talk to your doctor about your concerns.

There is such a condition as ante-natal depression and it can obviously be a precursor to post natal depression. At least if she could put a name/reason to why she feels so bad then she will be able to understand/combat it a bit more.

You will have to tred carefully about GP as she will want to continue to think that everything will be ok and its hard to admit that there is a problem, its scary - but with your support, she can get through it x

Mabelface · 04/08/2013 21:40

Actually, antenatal depression isn't as rare as you might think. She really could do with seeing the GP and talking to her midwife. There is help for women in her position. Good luck to both of you.

YvyB · 04/08/2013 21:45

Can I just say, Moonlight, well done you for considering your wife's needs before your own. I say this from the heart as xh no1 left me when I was 5 months pregnant. It was a terrifying pregnancy too as my dd had died shortly after birth the previous year and the year before that I had a mc. Whilst I am in no doubt as to your dw's suffering at the moment, at least she has a dh who seems to genuinely care for her. Definitely take her to gp. Keep listening to her and keep telling her you love her and will support her. Even if she's not able to respond positively to this at the moment, she will know on some level that she is cared for.

Original poster

MoonlightPicnic · 04/08/2013 21:47

Thank you all very informative comments :)

She's off to the GP tomorrow so I'm hoping she'll open up with her. DW's so adamant it isn't depression so it's a bit of a battle. She's generally a jolly soul, but then she'll tell me that tries to put on a front so I'm not sure if I'm seeing the true woman (Iyswim).

Thanks again for all your help.

OP posts:

Sparkleandshine · 04/08/2013 21:51

moonlight - can you call the GP before she gets there? you need to speak to the GP (in confidence) about the extent of your DW's issues, then the GP will ask more questions and take it more seriously.

Don't underestimate this as the comments sound way worse than normal hormonal issues.

Am about to do this with my DM and get her GP to call her in for an "age related health check", she is massively in denial about a health issue and I need to set it up with the GP to get her to go.

Fairylea · 04/08/2013 21:56

Just wanted to reassure you that if it is antenatal depression that all can work out fine.

I had very severe depression whilst pregnant with ds (now aged 14 months). Although we desperately wanted to get pregnant and were even on the waiting list for ivf when we conceived naturally I suddenly felt no connection to my bump at all and several times I told dh that when the baby was born he could take it and go away because I didn't want it. I'm using the terms "it" here because that's how I felt at the time and it seems so ailen from how I feel about ds now!

I took anti depressants while pregnant.

When ds was born all my anxieties etc just seemed tovanish. It all just went, which I was surprised about as with dd before I had awful post natal depression (maybe part of the reason I was depressed with ds, being scared I would get it again maybe). Everything has been ok.

It's good that she's going to the gp. I would just reassure her that whatever happens you are going to be there for her and the baby and do whatever you can.

Original poster

MoonlightPicnic · 04/08/2013 21:58

Yvy I'm really sorry to hear about your dd and mc. Rest assured I'll be there for support (and endless cuppas) I'm just having difficulty adjusting, but adjust I will.

OP posts:

missymum · 04/08/2013 22:03

Hi op I couldn't ignore this post. I work for a perinatal mental health team and from what you have said I think this is beyond normal hormonal fluctuations and I would urgently suggest you contact your wife's gp or midwife and get an assessment. I don't know whereabouts you are in the UK but there are specialist perinatal mental health teams in many areas now who can provide specialist assessment and treatment for a women suffering with mental health issues or difficulties with their emotional well being . I do hope you will seek support as soon as possible?

ourlittlestreet · 04/08/2013 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YvyB · 04/08/2013 22:09

Thank you, Moonlight. I have a gorgeous ds to show for all the stress and he is worth every second of the heartache. I really wish you and your dw well for the future. :)

Catnap26 · 04/08/2013 22:11

I had two terrible pregnancies and to ads throughout both and have suffered with post natal depression and have said some terrible things but it does pass but takes time and support.you sound like a very supportive dh which is what she needs.in a positive light at least she is telling you how she feels and not feeling as though she has to keep it all to herself,this is how I (am currently) getting through my post natal depression and it has opened so many doors of support.you will both get through this in time but just continue to offer all the support you can even though it may be very hard for you.i have an amazingly supportive and understanding dh and I know that without him I wouldn't have been able to cope with my pregnancies

Back2Two · 04/08/2013 22:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster

MoonlightPicnic · 04/08/2013 22:14

Missymum. Thank you for the information I'll certainly discuss this with the Midwife. I'm working within the NHS so should be able to find the contacts for the pmh teams. Very helpful.

Thank you ourlittlestreet (and others) that's much appreciated

OP posts:

runningforthebusinheels · 04/08/2013 22:26

Speaking honestly, I would say I went through a bit of 'personality change' when pg with my first. It wasn't depression, but just a way of showing my new vulnerability if that makes sense. I became more averse to long times spent alone tbh, because I was very aware that sonething could go wrong.

Only you and she know that something is really abnormal - it is very normal for a woman to be more needy when she's pregnant. She's carrying your baby - she must feel vulnerable - so don't dismiss this because she's not exactly the same the same as the woman you met.

sparklekitty · 05/08/2013 07:55

I was over joyed about my pregnancy but still suffered ante natal depression.

Ask her to speak to her MW, or if she won't go with her to an appointment and bring it up yourself (I say that as someone who has had to have family and DH go 'over my head' with professionals to get my MH issues sorted. Not nice but better in the long run)

She needs to get it sorted and have someone to talk to, chances are she may well suffer with post natal depression too.

Original poster

MoonlightPicnic · 04/09/2013 16:35

I thought it would be good to report back on how things are going.

Dw's Dad was diagnosed with Cancer so it's added to the worries, but the biggest concern in her eyes is not making ends meet. Crying, shaking and stuttering are almost a daily occurence, at all hours. I know we'll get by finacially as I'm lucky to have a good job and would pull out all the stops if we went down to the final pennies. Last night she freaked out as one of her Direct Debits got returned. I can't relate. All I can think of is her Dad. To make matters more complex family politics has reared its ugly head. DW invested in a stables about ten years ago (she had a better job in those days), a third each among the family members (Three including DW). Now of course she would like to bow out gracefully by selling her 1/3, except one of the members (Her sister) is making it difficult (she pays a third but uses 90% of the total land for her own horses), and the other (her Mum) would just not entertain the possabilty for fear of causing tension. Of course the money would help us no end. None of the other two have the finances to buy DW out.

I've asked DW to speak to a Health professional I'm told by her that "Talking doesn't achieve anything". I disagree and hate seeing how sad she's become. I'm not sure which way to turn now.

OP posts:

orangina · 04/09/2013 16:51

If your DW does have ante natal depression (and I did when I was pg w dc2...), then she WILL fully believe that talking doesn't achieve anything. I felt that whatever was going on with me was 100% chemical. It was like someone had switched on a toxic tap inside of me and it was hell. I felt disconnected to the baby inside me, it felt like a parasite living off me, I felt disinterested and generally furious with everyone.

BUT, once he was born, I felt FANTASTIC again and like a (reasonably) normal person once more. DS is ridiculously good natured and jolly (he is now 6) and I felt so guilty about basically not wanting him while I was pg with him. I don't know what to suggest to you re: helping your DW, apart from letting her express any and all of her worries, no matter how big or small. I would urge you to not say anything that could be perceived as judgmental (I was SUPER sensitive to that...), but continue to reassure that everything will be fine, and that you are there for her.

What I can say, is that it will stop, probably within hours of having given birth. I bonded immediately w our DS and my worries of it turning into post natal depression were unfounded.

Good luck OP, let us know how you get on.....

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 16:59

Ante natal depression definitely isn't rare. OP, please make an appt for her at the doctor's asap, go with her. She doesn't sound well at all.

3littlefrogs · 04/09/2013 16:59

Re the stables - the relatives/co-owners need to be informed that either they buy your DW out or she sells to another 3rd party. Her 3rd is hers to sell if she wishes. Your DW has enough to be dealing with without her DS and Mum making things more stressful.

Sometimes an issue like this one can be the "last straw".

You sound lovely and very supportive.

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