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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I blown this?

34 replies

underthewestway · 04/08/2013 16:39

Bit of background......I've been NC with my (very) narcissistic mother for over 2 years now and am still in therapy dealing with the fallout. No other family.

Partly due to the above and a long recovery from a breakdown, I've been single for 10 years. I'm now 35. About a year ago, I started a new job and very, very gradually started falling for a colleague, who by coincidence I used to go to school with. We've now been together for about 4 months. He knows all about my background and is the only man I've ever really properly talked to about my feelings. He is really, really lovely.

The problem is, I feel desperately insecure. I have never been as insecure about anybody in my whole life, which is deeply ironic as he is the person who has done the most to make me feel the opposite. 99.9% of the time I can keep a handle on this, because I know it is absurd. But on two occasions now, when I have been drunk, I have flipped out at him and basically done everything possible to push him away. And on the second of these occasions, last night, I basically phoned him up and dumped him.

I know this is my issue, and I am doing what I can to stop it (clearly not drinking would be a good start). I am distraught at having hurt him. He texted me today and said he didn't feel like talking at the moment, and felt we should take a step back and think about things, because we couldn't keep doing this.

Is this just a precursor to him ending it? I know I have created all this drama for literally no reason and I feel so stupid. But I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
PrincessKitKat · 04/08/2013 16:52

I'm not sure if there's much you can do at the minute Westway.

You have apologised and he has asked for time to think things through. I think maybe you just need to sit it out or he will be angry that he's asked for space and you're invading it.

In the meantime to keep your mind occupied you could write him a letter telling him how much you really do value his love and support, ready to give it to him after he's calmed down. And maybe think about your drinking if it turns you into someone you don't like?

Will you see him at work tomorrow?

Twinklestein · 04/08/2013 16:53

Is this just a precursor to him ending it?

Only he knows the answer to that. Depends how patient he is.

I would give him the space he asks for, then grovel, & never do it again.

Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 17:02

Drinking doesn't change me as such, it just means I can't keep a lid on emotions I would normally be able to keep in check, but, yes, obviously it would be helpful not to get drunk, I agree.

I won't see him in work until Tuesday, I think. I know there is not really anything I can do at the moment, I just wish I could get to the bottom of why I am acting like this when I never previously have - I feel like if I could do that, maybe I could make sure I never do it again.

OP posts:
pictish · 04/08/2013 17:07

Hmm I dunno...that sort of drama four months in, would have me stepping back if I'm being honest.
I'm sorry you feel insecure, but you've no business putting him through the mill because of it. It's supposed to be fun and romantic four months in.
You sound intense.

It wouldn't be for me.

Roshbegosh · 04/08/2013 17:14

I suppose you are getting the rejection in first - rather than coping with the wait until he dumps you you force his hand to end it, so yes I think it may well be a precursor to him leaving you. Maybe you are not ready for a relationship yet, or at least something less intense would be better. It will be a roller coaster for him if he stays which actually in RL is not at all exciting but becomes exhausting and tedious very quickly. If drinking is a factor then either stop or admit you have a problem and go to AA. If he doesn't end it now how long do you think you can cope without drama?

LemonDrizzled · 04/08/2013 17:23

On two occasions now when I have been drunk I have flipped out at him...

Either you have a drink problem that needs addressing or it is a case of "in vino veritas" and you need to be honest with yourself about the relationship. Nobody should make you feel that insecure.

Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 17:25

Maybe you are right. I don't want to mess him up. Although in all honesty apart from these two episodes of mine, there has been no drama at all. I genuinely do not want the drama!

I probably am intense in ways, because I take things seriously. And because we have been sitting beside each other in work for nearly a year, it feels as though we know each other better than 4 months suggests. But I am not some brooding, morose person, I am generally pretty upbeat: which is why this behaviour is so out of kilter. I do have a serious case of the booze blues today on top of everything else. I was at a party last night btw, not drinking alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 17:26

He definitely does not make me feel insecure. I am doing that all by myself.

But point taken on board re drinking.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 04/08/2013 17:44

What is it that are you insecure about?

Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 17:57

My mother was very emotionally abusive towards me when I was a child. She would tell me she had no feelings for me, for example. My father died when I was young, after which my mother cut us off from all my extended family (none of whom I've had contact will in over 20 years) and then basically treated me as a surrogate partner. I was responsible for all her emotions but if I was upset or even sick, she would be violently angry towards me. It took me until I was 33 to realise this was not normal.

As a result, I think somewhere deep down, I think if I have real feelings for someone, they are going to reject me.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/08/2013 18:15

That's really tough OP.

It totally makes sense that you're trying to reject him before he rejects you, presumably you told him that the first time it happened?

In a way you're doing to him what your mum did to you - tell him you have no feelings for him. You're the rejecter this time.

It all makes sense. I don't know what you can do more than try & unpick all the damage in therapy & pray he gives you another chance.

Maybe have a trigger list so that next time you see the warning signs before you flip. I think you'd have to stay off alcohol for that to be effective...

mcmooncup · 04/08/2013 18:33

I think alcohol is a red herring if really it just allows you to say what you actually mean. Ideally you could say what you mean when sober iykwim.
Maybe just maybe he's not the right guy for you. You do have stuff to work through and it's kinda hard to do that when you are with someone. Could you use this break up to really assess your abandonment and rejection issues? I really don't think it's ok that you beg to have him back, it will just make you feel even worse about yourself. If he's in, he's in. You know your issues, and if he isn't in a place to accept them then it's ok to walk away. I don't for a second think that will be easy, but will be right.
It is possible to feel ok about yourself. And this might just be a stepping stone in the right direction...understanding your rejection issues and then actively working on your self esteem for next time.

Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 18:37

He knows all about it. We'd spoken very openly about our backgrounds long before we ever got together, and he's always known I see a therapist. The first time I did this we had a very frank discussion and he said he knew before he entered into the relationship that it might not be easy as things weren't straightforward. So he does get it. And he accepted that I am doing my best to work through it.

But now I have f'ed it all up again. I hate myself for it. All I can really do is not drink, I suppose.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 04/08/2013 18:40

Please don't hate yourself.

What did you actually say anyway?? In your OP you say it was a minor argument??

Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 18:43

I feel like I've been trying to assess these issues for the past 10 years! It has taken me to that point to even be able to let someone in as much as I have with him. I totally understand what you mean, but I think that being in a relationship is bringing things up which I thought I had pretty much got over. It is easy for me to feel okay on my own.

He wouldn't make me beg, btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 18:48

It wasn't even an argument. I'd been talking with some friends at a party about the fact that he maintains a property in a place where he no longer lives but goes back to regularly (and had originally intended to move back there this year). They suggested this indicated he wasn't really bothered about the relationship. They have never even met him! But of course I, like a lunatic, let this feed into my insecurity and so when I went home, pissed, I rang him up and said there was no point in continuing. That was literally it. I am an idiot.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 04/08/2013 18:49

Well you have made progress in the last 10 years then !

And maybe he is just not right for you.

Can you remember what the row was about? It might reveal something interesting about his commitment to you by non-emotionally involved objective people.

mcmooncup · 04/08/2013 18:51

x-post.
I don't understand why him having a place somewhere indicates he is not committed to you......what did they mean?

Twinklestein · 04/08/2013 18:53

What they said was bollocks but I can understand what it triggered in you. You have to forgive yourself - it's totally understandable given your past.

Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 19:00

Basically, he has a house in the place we are both from, and where my mother still lives. We live in London, but he could do his job either in London or in our hometown. He flies between the two frequently. His house is not rented out as he stays there when he is back. When he took the job, he originally planned to stay in London for a year and then go back home. He lives in a shared flat in London, as do I, given the price of renting, which is obviously not ideal.

Anyway, several weeks ago, he said he was thinking of renting out his house and getting his own place in London. And he said a large part of this was to do with wanting to see how things went between us. But it is a big wrench, and he is very attached to his house. So yesterday, he said he decided to wait another while before making a decision, because he needed to have a proper plan as to what to do about his house.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 04/08/2013 19:04

And what do you think about his decision on the house? (Not what your friends said)
Were you ok with it?

Xenadog · 04/08/2013 19:10

Been there and done that. What happened in my case was the bloke ended things with me and I was gutted. It made me realise I had to sort out my head so I went and had counselling and acknowledged that I had childhood issues which led to this awful behaviour.

You said you are already in therapy so I suggest you focus upon these episodes and try to deal with what caused them and how to avoid them in future. Staying off the booze in the future is probably the best plan as well.

No other advice except to say I am now (5 years later) in a happy relationship, I am more balanced in myself and also pregnant with our first child. It took a long while to get here but without that outburst of mine I wouldn't have got here - use your experiences as a springboard to a new and happy future but try not to rush through it. xx

Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 19:11

The rational, logical part of me was completely fine with it. After all, it is not saying it will never happen, just because it isn't happening right now. It is a pretty big thing considering he wasn't planning on staying in London. And it was making him stressed. I do care about this him, I actually told him it was maybe better to leave it for a while to give himself more time to sort it out properly.

But then the teeny tiny insecure voice in my head telling me that this means he's not interested in me took over.

OP posts:
Original poster
underthewestway · 04/08/2013 19:15

X post. Thank you Xenadog. I really do hope this is not the end for me and him - I can't imagine anyone who would get it in the way he does, and we do get on incredibly well - but I know I need to sort this out for myself.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 04/08/2013 19:18

You know, there is a part of me reading this thinking this is just usual early days relationship stuff. It takes time to build true trust.
I think you have done amazingly well to be in what was otherwise a good relationship and shouldn't give yourself such a hard time.

So long as you have explained yourself fully - pissed, wound up by friends telling me you are not committed, and a bit nervous because it all means a lot......there is nothing more you can do right now. Now, it will be up to him to see how he feels about it. Your cards are clearly out on the table and FAIR PLAY to you for that.

So no need to be bad to yourself, you have been upfront, honest and made yourself vulnerable. That shows more strength than you are giving yourself credit for.

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