Have I blown this?

[underthewestway]

Bit of background......I've been NC with my (very) narcissistic mother for over 2 years now and am still in therapy dealing with the fallout. No other family.

Partly due to the above and a long recovery from a breakdown, I've been single for 10 years. I'm now 35. About a year ago, I started a new job and very, very gradually started falling for a colleague, who by coincidence I used to go to school with. We've now been together for about 4 months. He knows all about my background and is the only man I've ever really properly talked to about my feelings. He is really, really lovely.

The problem is, I feel desperately insecure. I have never been as insecure about anybody in my whole life, which is deeply ironic as he is the person who has done the most to make me feel the opposite. 99.9% of the time I can keep a handle on this, because I know it is absurd. But on two occasions now, when I have been drunk, I have flipped out at him and basically done everything possible to push him away. And on the second of these occasions, last night, I basically phoned him up and dumped him.

I know this is my issue, and I am doing what I can to stop it (clearly not drinking would be a good start). I am distraught at having hurt him. He texted me today and said he didn't feel like talking at the moment, and felt we should take a step back and think about things, because we couldn't keep doing this.

Is this just a precursor to him ending it? I know I have created all this drama for literally no reason and I feel so stupid. But I don't know what to do.

mcmooncup thank you. That means a great deal to me.

Fwiw I have my own (separate) property that I don't live in & I'm married. My mum always told me to have property of my own & a separate bank account in case my H ran off for a rainy day...

It doesn't have anything to do with how committed you are, and I can totally understand him wanting to keep property in his home town.

Financially, it's sensible too.

It's possible that unconsciously you wanted to see how far you could push him & he'll still stick around. And that is a boundary that you need to know.

I really hope that you can both get past this OP, as you deserve a good relationship. He may just need reassurance that this isn't going to be a regular occurrence.

Thanks Twinklestein. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to post.

The house thing is a red herring. I am definitely boundary pushing. I can only wait and hope I haven't pushed him past it. And as for it not being a regular occurrence, I couldn't spend many more days like this. I am literally cried out.

I had a very similar experience,not proud , when I got my my DP at first. I had lost my mum 6 weeks before we got together and this really heightened my insecurity and various issues around abandonment. I was totally in love with my man, but was pushing him away in a similar way to yourself. I was in therapy and it really helped me. He definitely nearly dumped me, and at one point after a freak out he did. But having awareness about what I was doing, and expressing it to him honestly - he gave me a lot of love and understanding. I worked through the issues in therapy and I don't "test" him anymore. I would appolagize, grovel and prove to him that you can change by investing in some talking therapy if you can to work these issues outfor yourself. Best of luck to you, your story sounds awful x

I just thought I would update.....

I spoke to him today and we had a very honest discussion, in which he said that the past couple of weeks had left him feeling uncertain, but that the majority of our relationship was really good and he had been very happy about us getting together. He doesn't want us to split up, but he is also unsure of how we can move forward. I said the bottom line for me is that I really care about him, and I think we have the potential for something good, but that I obviously need to continue to work through my stuff (and not get drunk). And also a lot of apologising.

We're both away over the next two weeks, so we're going to keep in touch over that and then meet up afterwards and see how we feel. It was a good conversation, and whilst I appreciate his anxiety, I'm hopeful we'll be able to pick things up, maybe at a slightly slower rate than we have been going!

Good news.
I'm really pleased for you.
A healthy relationship whatever the outcome

Thank you. What you said last night really touched me. I appreciate your words of wisdom and reassurance!

I'm glad you updated Westway.

Good news. I hope it works out for you.