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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having an affair

38 replies

sunshineblue1 · 04/08/2013 15:36

I felt myself falling in love with someone else and realised that there were problems in my marriage that needed addressing. So I told my husband, namely that I do not feel attracted to him anymore and things between us have not really been working for a while and I really like this other guy.

DH said he wanted to work it out and he couldn't see himself with any other woman apart from me. He was apologetic for being busy with work and wants to work it out- he is willing to take time out and take me somewhere. He was devastated because he said he has always been so happy.

we have been married 7 years with two children under 3.

But I am at a stage where I really cant see myself with him, I feel much happier when I am with this other person. I know this is temporary and once the excitement has died down, then we may not have the substance to kepe us together but I don't know how to feel something for my DH when I don't.

If my DH was to have an affair I really wouldn't mind.....but DH wont even considered an open relationship or a separation. He is too scared to loose me and wouldn't let me go.

Can someone really stay in a marriage they are not happy in and make it work 'for the sake of the family'.....when the heart is elsewhere?

OP posts:

LineRunner · 04/08/2013 15:39

You are in the grip of a kind of ecstasy. It is unlikely to last. When it fades all you will have left is carnage around you.

Your main priority should be to sort out the state of your marriage, your children and your family unit. Please do put all you have into finding out what your family life looks like, what it could be, how it could develop for the better.

That's my advice for what it's worth.

Original poster

sunshineblue1 · 04/08/2013 15:43

I know but I cant stop thinking about him, I feel like I have been dead for 4 years and now I am awakening.

I can stay and make things work with my husband- but I don't feel anything towards him. I grew up with two parents who felt nothing for each other and it was very hard. I don't want the same for my kids.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 15:46

End your marriage if you no longer have feelings for your husband.

You may find the grass is greener elsewhere, or you may end up feeling foolish at what you have thrown away.

That is your problem though, at the moment you are being cruel to your husband. End it for his sake, even if he tells you he doesn't want that

You have checked out emotionally and as time goes goes by your contempt for him will grow making it only a matter of time before you are shagging some other smooth operator

LineRunner · 04/08/2013 15:51

I agree with AnyFucker. If you are checking out of the marriage, end it with dignity, respect and kindness towards your husband. It will be best for everyone especially your DCs if you show him a great deal of kindness and don't blame him or try to rewrite history as so many people checking out of marriages end up doing.

Original poster

sunshineblue1 · 04/08/2013 15:52

Lol well I am not shagging anyone .......but being emotionally drawn in my someone is not much better I guess.

I felt by being honest with my DH I was doing what was right- I want to have a separation to see what happens with this new guy, but DH is not agreeing to it. I suggested we divorce, he doesn't want that either. I don't know what else to do....we have separate rooms and have de-coupled for a few weeks now.

He seems to be content flogging a dead horse.....a horse he doesn't see is dead.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 15:54

You want to separate to "see how it goes with new guy"

Did you expect your poor DH to wait on the sidelines and pick up the pieces if you got dumped by Mr Wonderful or he turned out to be Mr Awful ?

Never mind dead horse you sound like the worst kind of cold fish

Leave your husband, for his sake.

katieAashley · 04/08/2013 16:02

Just to play Devil's advocate " no no, the grass is not greener on the other side!". You say you feel completely nothing nothing nothing for your husband and father of your children , that's well kinda cruel don't you think?! To feel nothing. You say your parents stayed married although they felt nothing for each other, maybe you are projecting your fears of being like your parents onto your husband now that things have settled down and the drama and excitement of being newly married and having baby's has come to an end. Something to think about anyway

Ezio · 04/08/2013 16:02

What AF said, that sounded so selfish, and my ex told me that, it really bloody hurts btw.

Maybe he loves you and was trying to build a good future, and is not worried your gonna take his kids from him.

End it with kindness and reassure him.

RaRaZ · 04/08/2013 16:03

I kinda second the above....and what of your children? Would you expect DH to be happy for them to be looked after by your new fella if all worked out and you two got together properly? Because I would assume that's a consideration... I'm not saying don't leave your husband, but I think you need to be very careful and put your children first; don't let this other man get in the way of that.

Original poster

sunshineblue1 · 04/08/2013 16:04

cold fish?

I haven't lied to anyone and I am trying to end things with my DH.....

seems u cant win. A woman has to want to stay in a marriage and live happily ever after, there is .

If she strays she is the devil

if she is honest and tells her DH, she is also the devil

if she stays and tries to make the marriage work, but admits her heart is not in it.....she is the devil

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 04/08/2013 16:04

If you are unhappy and don't love him then leave before you start having an affair. If you really are that unhappy then you have to be cruel to be kind. Leave in a respectful and dignified way..

I want to have a separation to see what happens with this new guy.

I think it's cruel to have a separation whilst you taste another cake to see if you like it. It sounds like you may have already been drawn into an emotional affair. Just leave and if it works great but if it doesn't then its a risk you take. Does the other man know you are married? How does he feel about this? Is he married?

I really feel sorry for your husband.

Original poster

sunshineblue1 · 04/08/2013 16:06

would it be better if I lied to him and carried on as if everything is ok....put on a front for the DC and lived under this cloud that everything was perfect??

would that be less selfish of me?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 04/08/2013 16:07

I want to have a separation to see what happens with this new guy, but DH is not agreeing to it.

I also feel sorry for your husband. If you want to end the relationship, do so. But do that and focus on creating a new stable life for you and your children before you even think of starting a new relationship.

Original poster

sunshineblue1 · 04/08/2013 16:09

the other guy isn't married

the separation was a suggestion, amongst many.....when something isn't working and u haven't got the will to want to make it work- what do u do?

live a lie so u wont be called selfish/bad/evil?

OP posts:

Ezio · 04/08/2013 16:09

If you wanna leave then do it because you dont want to be with him, not just because another man has turned your head, but still keeping DH on your rope ready to cut him down anytime.

Its not selfish to end a marriage out of unhappiness, it is selfish to end it because theres a slight chance the grass is greener.

Vivacia · 04/08/2013 16:11

You end your current relationship before starting another. Linerunner said this early on. Nobody is telling you to live a miserable lie. People are advising you to be kind.

AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 16:11

You are not listening, and your defensiveness does you no favours. Stop excusing your own shitty behaviour by whining "I can't do right for doing wrong...wah wah"

Tell your husband the truth. You no longer love him and you want to throw your lot in with another man.

Then leave. Work out how you will share the care of the children with him amicably. If you have nowhere suitable to take the children, then they stay with him until you are in a position to do that.

MNiscold · 04/08/2013 16:14

I second Vivacia. You don't need your husband to agree to separate; you can just do it. But it will take all your energy and brain power to make a new life for you all and good situation for your children; the possibility of a new man will have to come second/third.

LittlePeaPod · 04/08/2013 16:15

the separation was a suggestion, amongst many.....when something isn't working and u haven't got the will to want to make it work- what do u do?

You leave the relationship and start your own life before moving onto another man. That's the dignified route.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2013 16:16

It is quite simple and for some reason you are missing the point. The other man is an excuse. You either want to be with your husband, in which case be with him. Or you don't, in which case, split up.

Don't have a relationship while you are already in one. One at a time.

Frankly, what you should probably do is divorce and be alone for a while to work out what you actually want.

Twinklestein · 04/08/2013 16:20

Feeling happy with someone away from the family is all very well, but if you make this a reality it will be a question of him embracing you & 2 small kids under 3, & being a good father to them.

Does OM even want this?

kalidanger · 04/08/2013 16:21

No one has said you're the devil. If you want to leave him, do so. You don't need his permission. Separate and co parent.

mindyourownbusiness · 04/08/2013 16:23

Your H cant really say he's not having a divorce or separation or refuse either. I never understand when people say the other party wont give them a divorce. You're very obviously not physically scared of him to have stood in front of him and told him what you did Go and see a solicitor and set the wheels in motion, your H cant stop you and I think he would be better off without you as others have said as you have already checked out.
Every day you allow him to keep you in the marriage by 'refusing' to let you separate is just prolonging the agony for him and giving him false hope he can fix things.

LittlePeaPod · 04/08/2013 16:24

So the other man isn't married but is he in a relationship or is he single and available? Regardless of the other man its about doing what's right and that's leaving your husband before moving into another relationship f you don't love your husband any more...

Also agree with MrsTerrys point about you taking time out on your if/when you separate before jumping into something new..

AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 16:25

....and uses him as a back up plan in case the Shiny New Life you want doesn't measure up to your starry-eyed expectations

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