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Original poster

Having an affair

38 replies

sunshineblue1 · 04/08/2013 15:36

I felt myself falling in love with someone else and realised that there were problems in my marriage that needed addressing. So I told my husband, namely that I do not feel attracted to him anymore and things between us have not really been working for a while and I really like this other guy.

DH said he wanted to work it out and he couldn't see himself with any other woman apart from me. He was apologetic for being busy with work and wants to work it out- he is willing to take time out and take me somewhere. He was devastated because he said he has always been so happy.

we have been married 7 years with two children under 3.

But I am at a stage where I really cant see myself with him, I feel much happier when I am with this other person. I know this is temporary and once the excitement has died down, then we may not have the substance to kepe us together but I don't know how to feel something for my DH when I don't.

If my DH was to have an affair I really wouldn't mind.....but DH wont even considered an open relationship or a separation. He is too scared to loose me and wouldn't let me go.

Can someone really stay in a marriage they are not happy in and make it work 'for the sake of the family'.....when the heart is elsewhere?

OP posts:
EllaFitzgerald · 04/08/2013 16:28

I don't think that anyone is suggesting that you live a lie, or that you remain in a marriage you don't want to be in anymore. There's nothing wrong with leaving a marriage when it's no longer working.

However, it's an awful situation for all involved (particularly for the spouse who doesn't want to end the marriage) and it's your responsibility to behave in a way that causes the least amount of emotional damage possible. You don't need anyone's agreement to separate. If you want to leave, he can't stop you from packing up and going.

LineRunner · 04/08/2013 16:31

Two children under 3 must be hard work, OP. Are you knackered? Fed up in general?

How does your DH currently behave as a husband and father? Just wondering if you are actually pissed off with him rather than feeling nothing.

foreverondiet · 04/08/2013 16:41

If you weren't married and didn't have little kids then yea very nice leave your partner and move onto the next, but because you made a commitment to your DH and because you have kids it's not so easy as others will very very hurt by your actions. Firstly break it off with the OM. The end. Then tell your DH you want out, and proceed with counselling if he wants and if you want a divorce (think about what grounds for divorce will be? Unreasonable behaviour? Adultery??? - remember a no fault divorce can take a long time). Deal with custody arrangements for the children and dividing up assets. Once that's all done then you can move on and find a new partner. In your situation (married with young kids) not reasonable to do it any other way - you don't have to stay with him if you aren't happy but equally getting out will take time.

Fwiw my DH told me about a year ago he had a crush on a work mate. He knew he wouldn't leave me and we worked through everything - and it passed - she actually moved job but if she hadn't he would have...having a crush on someone is normal and ok to admit to that - not ok to take it further.

Walkacrossthesand · 04/08/2013 17:20

'I felt myself falling in love with someone else and realised that there were problems in my marriage that needed addressing' - but leaving marriage for OM doesn't really address the problems does it, OP. And the fallout from the break-up has a nasty habit of souring the shiny new relationship pretty quickly, hence the wise advice above to end the marriage and let the ripples fade, before starting new r-ship. Or you could turn away from the new 'love' - I expect you felt starry-eyed about DH in the beginning, didn't you? - and put your effort into rediscovering the reason you married DH.

slipperySlip000 · 04/08/2013 18:04

I am a little perplexed, OP, about all the looking 'outwards' and no looking 'in'. You have said little other than you feel 'nothing'. I don't really buy that, given that you married and had kids with your hubby. You must feel some way about him, surely? You say your parents 'felt nothing', perhaps that is all playing out again and causing you pain that you simply can't face without looking yourself a little deeper, and scratching he surface? I suggest you forget about OM and work on yourself, otherwise you might just bail out and repeat it al, and end up feeling 'nothing' when your OM becomes your DP.

akaWisey · 04/08/2013 19:33

Oh do grow up OP.

You came here asking for something (I don't know what) and you're getting very honest and heartfelt replies.

No, it's not ok to stay in an unhappy marriage and have an affair EA or otherwise. If you expected to hear that on this board, words fail.

Yes, it's ok to leave an unhappy marriage and no-one can stop you if that's what you want. You do, however, need to take your DC's needs for parenting by the both of you into account.

It's also ok to stay and try to work things out with your DP before you chuck it all in but you have to end the EA and go no contact for the marriage to have a fighting chance. If you do that and you still hanker for some greener grass then you can at least say you've really tried.

But I suspect you've got starry eyes.

meditrina · 04/08/2013 19:40

You don't have to stay in a dead marriage.

Unless you and DH entered marriage with an explicit understanding that having other partners is OK, en you really do need to end it. Betrayal always makes things much worse.

You can still do the right thing, by ending your marriage before this goes further (it's gone pretty much too far already).

crazyhead · 04/08/2013 19:55

Your husband is in no state to 'agree' to divorce. If you are 100% clear this is over, you need to take responsibility by leaving him firmly, making clear it is forever, and doing it a way that is as gentle on him as possible -eg if it weren't for kids you'd definitely need to leave your house and you still definitely need to sort the practicalities. He still loves you and you owe him at least the protection of thoughtful behaviour.

The thing is with the word separation is it suggests a trial. If that is the case, the trial needs to be whether your marriage is working - dump other man, go to counselling NOT have fling with other man and see if you want to go back. Sometimes marriages don't work, but leaving when you have kids has a long term impact on everyone's life and your husband doesn't deserve to absorb any more uncertainty unless you are genuinely committing to try and save things.

Wellwobbly · 04/08/2013 20:41

You are comparing reality (everyday life) with a fantasy. That isn't fair.

The issue isn't Mr Wonderful, it is how you and your hubby get on.

You are making the issue Mr W, and that is a mistake.

Joanne279 · 04/08/2013 21:22

The grass isn't always greener Hun. Think before you jump ship.

Every man has his faults. The choice is of course entirely yours but imo the excitement will fizz out soon enough and you may be left with a very large mess. X

Oblomov · 05/08/2013 06:11

OP?

LittlePeaPod · 06/08/2013 13:07

I don't think Op is coming back to the thread.

Ezio · 06/08/2013 13:15

I dont think she got the response she wanted, maybe she should look at Katie Hopkins new bullshit about cheating.

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