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Original poster

DP walked out on 'perfect' relationship, we are both confused, help needed!

46 replies

performancegirl · 04/08/2013 14:51

I had been with my dp for 14 months but been friends for 2years before. We were very in love, both happier than we've ever been and thought we'd be together forever ad did everyone who knows us. 6 week's ago we had a minor row about nothing which escalated and led to him leaving. I begged and pleaded with him not to go but he did. Since then he has restarted anti depressants having been on them for years previously and has been trying tp work out why he left. The only explanation he's got is that he just stopped loving me in the course of that argument
. He's worked on trying to identify what went wrong and can't, when listing the good things about being with me he says 'our whole life' but all hes got now is a feeling he doesn't love ne and being with me is wrong. He says it was the best relationship hes ever had, thought we'd be forever, fantastic regular sex etc and he was very happy but now doesn't want to make it work because of this feeling thats based on np evidence or logic.
Hes moved his stuff out this weekend and I'm in pieces. I have been for weeks but was expecting him to realise what a mistake this was. Not sure what I'm asking really, has anyone else been in the same positio?
There's definitely no one else, we work in the same place and have' still Ben emailing and seeing each other for lunch. I'm going to stay away this week though we are having lunch on Friday. I cant even be angry with him because it feels like it's not him doing it iyswim. He said he wouldnt have chosen to stop loving me so it's almost like he had no control over it.
He's brutally scrupulously honest so I know this is genuinely how he feels. He says if he starts to love me again or has any doubts then he'll tell me and I believe him but at the moment because he feels like this is right he doesn't want to try to make it work.
I do still love him despite what he's done, and I think he's blocked his feelings for me rather than stopped loving ne overnight. Sorry this is so long, any advice would be welcome!

OP posts:
Original poster
performancegirl · 04/08/2013 14:55

Apologies for typos and random apostrophes!

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 04/08/2013 15:03

We can only ever know how one person feels in a relationship, and that's us. You feel this relationship was 'it' for you - he maybe thought it was for a while, or to some extent, or blah blah - but the bottom line is he isn't in it as much as you are, despite all his previous talk about this being 'forever'. So I think it's time to start looking after yourself, try not to second-guess what he's thinking/feeling, and regard him as an 'ex'. It's very hard (I know, I've been there) but necessary.

Original poster
performancegirl · 04/08/2013 15:13

TThank you walk. If that was the case I'd walk away and leave him too it but he's clear that until he walked away he wanted exactly the same as me. As I said he's very honest and would tell me the truth however brutal. Its almost like he's had a breakdown or something which is what me and one of his very good friends believe. Hes the most logical person I know and for him to do something like this, with no reason or logic behind it makes no sense. We have been meeting every day and hes staying with family so I'm hoping that no contact in the next couple of weeks will make him realise what he's lost.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/08/2013 15:18

How old is he & how long have his previous relationships been?

Lweji · 04/08/2013 15:29

I tend to be very logical, but I have recently walked out on a relationship where I suddenly realised that I wanted out. I tend not to overanalyse feelings, but once I realise what they are, they are very clear and powerful.
My advise to you is not to chase hum or beg. Either it won't work because he genuinely wants out, and you end up losing his and your self respect, or he's not that nice and he's playing you up. Don't wait for him to decide he's in or out. Walk away now.

kalidanger · 04/08/2013 15:30

How bad is his depression? And what form does it take? I mean - does he have a history of not being able to maintain relationships and cutting people off?

I am not sure that saying "You don't love me anymore? You must have had a breakdown!" is quite the way to go on this one.

Original poster
performancegirl · 04/08/2013 15:35

50, he was married in the 90's which was a mutual split and then has had a few short term non serious relationships since then. All but one of these (4) I think were ended by him and I know he got very depressed after the one he didn't end. He has ended relationships suddenly in the past but always with reason ( this corroborated by mutual friends) and he then has a pattern of shutting them down and avoiding all contact. I thibk this is a defence thing cos of whats happened in the past. He has shut off his feelings for me but continues to see me, respond to and initiate contact etc so very different from his usual pattern. He said today if I'd done what he'd done it would have shattered his world. I know it's ridiculous now and a cliche but we, and all around us, found like we'd found each other and now he's equally as confused as me but insistent that because he feels it it must be right!

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scarletforya · 04/08/2013 15:41

I think he was trying to let you down gently and inadvertently gave you mixed massages. If he felt the same as you no way would be have moved his stuff out.

Did the minor argument seem engineered? Because it sounds like a red herring. Like he just picked that argument as an excuse to end it.

Original poster
performancegirl · 04/08/2013 15:42

Thanks kalidanger, no, I've not said that to him! I work in MH so definitely wouldn't be so blunt. It's the fact he has changed overnight from being the most loving caring person I've ever met to someone totally different.
His face has changed, I've not seen him smile for weeks and there's bo animation to his features at all
He even sounds different when asserting his work phone. Don't want to go into details about his depression but it's been as bad as it can get on several occasions. He had been on medication for years but stopped while we were together as he felt so happy

OP posts:
Original poster
performancegirl · 04/08/2013 15:47

Thanks, no, the argument wasnt engineered. We'd bickered, I took my girls to their dads, came back, hugged him and said I hate arguing, he said he did too, it wad nothing, lets forget it and it was me that said no let's sort it out! Kicking myself now of course. He always said he'd tell me if something was wrong and he didn't, we've discussed it since and there's still nothing he can identify. He also knows that it did feel right right up until he stormed out!

OP posts:
tribpot · 04/08/2013 15:58

To be honest, this sounds irrational at best and the prelude to controlling at worst. To be so melodramatic about a minor disagreement could be a way of wrongfooting you to the point where he can push all your buttons to see what will work.

Equally, he doesn't seem to understand the nature of depression if he thinks it was sensible to come off his meds because he was happy. I think he needs to spend some time with his mental health team getting himself back on an even keel, and then you see where you find yourselves down the road.

No contact sounds like it would be best for both of you for the next few weeks. Make sure you take care of you - good books, good friends, good food. Try not to dwell - you didn't cause this relationship to end just by asking to sort a disagreement out properly. If its foundations were that flimsy it would have crumbled sooner rather than later. Perhaps it can be rebuilt in time.

Original poster
performancegirl · 04/08/2013 16:07

Thank you tribpot, just because of what I know of him before he's not the controlling type and is also normally very rational. Thats why I'm convinced this is a MH issue rather than anything else. I haven't given him space up till now, we've been seeing a lot of each other, going through possible triggers, past patterns of behaviour etc and none of that has helped. I'm more sure of anything I've ever been in my life that he'll come through this and realise how much he loves me. I know I need to get in with my life in the meantime when I miss him so much

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/08/2013 16:11

No-one falls out of love on the basis of one argument, it's nonsense.

You've only been together for just over a year, and this may just be part of who he is - the depression, the random decisions...

If he's only had non-serious relationships since his marriage then he may just find commitment too much.

Original poster
performancegirl · 04/08/2013 16:21

Thanks twinkle, we''ve both talked about and considered the committment issue as I thought that might be a factor but he's clear that he's not, and truly believed we were made for each other. I cant convey it here but he wouldn't say something if it wasnt true and he's been looking for reasons for 6 weeks without success, it would be far easier to come up with a lie but he just wouldnt do that.
Theres more issues around his family who he used to spend a lot more time with. One relative in particular who he feels he owes a huge amount to, is going through a hard time at the moment and now hes left me hes ehrd suddenly available to support h er.
He was feeling guilty about not doing so much for his family ( before we got together thats all he did do) and I think that's whats precipitated this. When he left he said 'I love you but I love ny family more'. He won't consider though that his feeling that he owes them everything is at the root of this cos he knows that wouldn't make sense.

OP posts:
artychick · 04/08/2013 16:22

it sounds maybe you fell off your pedestal after the row, and he realised you weren't the never-ending perfect thing which was going to keep his depression at bay.

Original poster
performancegirl · 04/08/2013 16:24

I know, hes very black and white in his thinking, all good or all bad etc. Just dont know how to get him to change and realise what hes going to lose!

OP posts:
artychick · 04/08/2013 16:30

you can't 'get' him to change or see. he has to get there on his own or it's worthless. could you give him some time and space to process it alone?

AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 16:33

Well, if you do ever get back together you are going to keep your mouth shut in future, aren't you ?

Very clever for a "confused" man, isn't he ?

He has you right where he wants you, dangling on the end of a stick. His oh-so-reasonable discussions about "triggers" and "why he suddenly switched off" have you dancing like a manic puppet trying to find any old excuse that will mitigate his breathtakingingly cold and controlling behaviour

I hope for your sake you wake up quickly

Twinklestein · 04/08/2013 16:37

OP: He may have said commitment is not an issue, but he told you you were made for each other & then buggered off.

On the back of a string failed relationships, he may say one thing & do another.

I really don't see why he can't love you and his family, very odd...

I was thinking the same as artychick that he may end relationships when he becomes aware his depression remains.

To continue he'd have to accept being depressed in a relationship & then he perfect thing is ruined...

Morgause · 04/08/2013 16:39

I don't know why you're trying to rationalise. He wants out, it's obvious to an outsider. Maybe he's trying to let you down gently but I think he's already checked out.

Doha · 04/08/2013 16:41

Well said AF

Doha · 04/08/2013 16:41

Well said AF

orangeandemons · 04/08/2013 16:42

Hmm, we'll someone who can fall out of love on the back of one argument doesn't sound very reliable IMO. What happens when the tough times really kick in? Sounds a bit of a fair weather friend to me

RappyNash · 04/08/2013 16:47

Is it just depression he suffers from? Someone close to me walked out if their relationship twice (over a 15 year period) after a psychotic break.

AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 16:49

Yup, the next time Op does/says something that is not "perfect" or < heaven forbid > does not fulfil his criteria of "black and white" off he will go to his cave again, leaving her running after him in his wake wailing "but what did I do wrooooong..."

My crystal ball is very cloudy indeed.