DP walked out on 'perfect' relationship, we are both confused, help needed!

[performancegirl]

I had been with my dp for 14 months but been friends for 2years before. We were very in love, both happier than we've ever been and thought we'd be together forever ad did everyone who knows us. 6 week's ago we had a minor row about nothing which escalated and led to him leaving. I begged and pleaded with him not to go but he did. Since then he has restarted anti depressants having been on them for years previously and has been trying tp work out why he left. The only explanation he's got is that he just stopped loving me in the course of that argument
. He's worked on trying to identify what went wrong and can't, when listing the good things about being with me he says 'our whole life' but all hes got now is a feeling he doesn't love ne and being with me is wrong. He says it was the best relationship hes ever had, thought we'd be forever, fantastic regular sex etc and he was very happy but now doesn't want to make it work because of this feeling thats based on np evidence or logic.
Hes moved his stuff out this weekend and I'm in pieces. I have been for weeks but was expecting him to realise what a mistake this was. Not sure what I'm asking really, has anyone else been in the same positio?
There's definitely no one else, we work in the same place and have' still Ben emailing and seeing each other for lunch. I'm going to stay away this week though we are having lunch on Friday. I cant even be angry with him because it feels like it's not him doing it iyswim. He said he wouldnt have chosen to stop loving me so it's almost like he had no control over it.
He's brutally scrupulously honest so I know this is genuinely how he feels. He says if he starts to love me again or has any doubts then he'll tell me and I believe him but at the moment because he feels like this is right he doesn't want to try to make it work.
I do still love him despite what he's done, and I think he's blocked his feelings for me rather than stopped loving ne overnight. Sorry this is so long, any advice would be welcome!

I think AF has a point. If you get back together you will be worried about having another argument in case the same thing happens again. Then what? Always keep quiet when you're upset? Walk on egg shells if he's out if sorts so not to upset him.

He's said he wants to end the relationship. Let him. Keep your dignity intact. Stop asking him why and decide that you don't want a relationship on his terms.

Either he really wants out, so you're doing yourself no favours in running after him, or he doesn't want out, in which case he's finding out that he can treat you like crap and you'll come running. Neither way is good.

The depression is a red herring. It's not a free pass for acting like an arse.

just don't know how to get him to change

You can't. No one can change someone else. Relationship 101.

I know it's hard because of your feelings, but dignity is precious.

There is a strong possibility he has sunk into depression again especially as he has come off his meds. try and persuade him to go back to his GP. Also have a read of an Anne Sheffield book or a look at the linked DepressionFalloutmessageBoard website. It seems very common on there to get the "I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you" speech.

Ultimately though he does need to want to get himself better if depression is the cause.

Some more reading for you "Co dependent no more" by Melody Beattie. Perhaps very relevant here. Oh, and "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Thank you all and AF for straight talking as usual! I'm definitely pulling right back from contact now and will see what happens. Obviously if he does change his mind I would have some serious thinking to do about whether I could potentially go through this again. I'm going to start thinking about me and my children now, they've been very upset by whats happened though happily staying with my mum by the sea at the moment so having a great time!
I'm sad because we were good friends prior to this and he's clear that none of this is about me, just leaves me powerless I suppose. At least if we can salvage some friendship from this that will be something.

I think you have to disengage. Stop emailing him at work and meeting him for lunch. He is an ex now, and if there are no children between you, the kindest thing to do for everyone is go no contact (or as low contact as possible if you work together.)

This has come out of the blue for you so no wonder you are desperately trying to work out what has happened and talk to him about it. But really, it doesn't matter why he wanted to ended it. The result is the same.

As for him being "brutally honest", talking it through with you, trying to understand his feelings...well, you are not his partner any more. He has to find someone else to talk to about the state of his head. It can't be you now.

I'm really sorry and hope it doesn't hurt too much or for too long.

I wouldn't even salvage the friendship. Why be friends with someone who treats you like that?

Sorry cross-post! Glad you are pulling back.

Let him go. He's left. He wants out. Go your own way and make your own life. It will be fine. It really will. Different but still fine.

Thank you all. I have looked at the depression fall out website before and it could be talking about us. One of his closest friends is a colleague is utterly convinced that this is caused by depression, he knows him well and knows the signs and he's desperately trying to help.
He is convinced that when DP is well again he''ll realise this is the wrong decision. I just need to get on with my life and cross that bridge if/ when we come to it.

Hi Performancegirl,
I am sorry you are going through a break up. It can be an all consuming intensity of pain...but you will get through it.

Imho, I believe you have been a bit gullible in believing in the concept of the "Perfect Relationship". There is no such thing. Even when you are absolutely, confidently, sure that you know someone, that person can turn on you, point blank, out of the blue. Explanations, reasons, excuses are all useless. This is not exclusive to romantic connections, but friendships and even business contacts etc: if a connection can be made then it is a connection that can be broken, sort of by definition.

I agree with the above posters who advise not investing anything more in trying to rescue this relationship (or to rescue him ).

PS: It is never a good idea to date someone from your place of work. You will need to soldier through your work days for the forseeable future with a backbone of steel and not give him a first or second glance. Professional civility, nothing more, strictly business.

It sounds as if he is chasing perfection. Some people do go their whole life still looking for that relationship which is all in their heads and nobody measures up to it. But of course no-one knows how he feels only he knows that. It's really hard for you. But a perfect relationship if there is such a thing has to be perfect for both people. I don't buy this minor disagreement as being the reason for him ending the relationship.

I had an experience with a boyfriend that might be similar in some aspects. He was perfect at being in a relationship, perfect at being a boyfriend. From one day to the next he decided that his feelings had changed, he didn't know why, he was very said. All his friends were stunned, said they couldn't believe it as he seemed incredibly happy and settled, it must be some sort of crisis, a breakdown, it had to be. Then he came back and said he wanted everything, marriage, kids, EVERYTHING! We just had to start right back at the beginning and make it all PERFECT. Oh dear. I went back and dutifully tried to make everything perfect but increasingly, the tiniest things started to make him despair that we would ever be perfect. It was a hard lesson, painfully learned.

You broke-up, so therefore you didn't have the perfect relationship (that dragon was never going to be caught) and that lie contributes to your pain. The truth is you didn't know him as well as you thought you did and it hurts like fuck.

You can not save him from himself and whether you like it or not his depression (if that is the root of his behaviour) isn't something external to him, this may be new to you, I very much doubt it is to him.

His self absorbed hand wringing is cruel, he broke up with you FFS and here you are running around like a blue arsed fly trying to "understand" him. if he was half the man you think he is, he would't let you degrade yourself like this.

Walk away, stop communicating with him, hanging out and having cosy chats keeps the wound fresh.

AF (as per bloody usual) is right, second guessing and STFU are dysfunctional relationship behaviour.

In the words of Prefab Sprout;

When love breaks down, the lies we tell they only serve to fool ourselves.
When love breaks down, the things you do to stop the truth from hurting you.

I probably should work harder at couching this nicely. It's late. I'm not working hard.

Performance, one of you sounds absolutely awful, and I can't work out which one! Your posts have been almost entirely about how perfect you are, what he thinks & feels that is wrong according to you, and your strategies for making him see what he's lost.

Either you are a terrifyingly manipulative individual, or he's the cold steel trap described by AnyFucker. Either way, this is a tale of gross dysfunction that has reached a mercifully quick finish.

Sorry and all that. Please don't harass or 'play' this guy, at all. You are better than that, or you can be.

Here is the best quick assertiveness primer ever written :)

Even if it is all due to depression and MH issues you have to decide of you can live like this, he isn't going to change and life with him will be like this. Do you want to keep repeating the cycle?
He has shown you how he acts and who he is, do you really want to be with someone who comes and goes Ina whim? He isn't being kind to you at all and these conversations are just feeding the lie that he's a confused nice guy not just arsehole who walks out when it suits him.

performance I remember your previous thread. I'm so sorry you're still in pretty much the same place (with a lot more contact).

I honestly think that if there still hasn't been any movement from him or any indication of what made him change his mind (because he has) then you must now begin to make your break from him.

I'm really struggling to understand why he is continuing to spend so much time with you when he has clearly stated, and continues to state, that he's no longer in love with you. That is cruel, IMO, depression (if that's the root cause of his change of heart) really doesn't rob anybody of their morals, intelligence, respect or basic human kindness; he must see how confused, desperate and upset you are.

If he really believes there is no way back as a couple, he should be respecting your need to process the end of your r.ship, not meeting with or talking to you at every opportunity.

You know you're doing yourself no favours by tying yourself up in knots and expending all of your time and energy trying to make sense of his behaviour, and it certainly isn't good for your DC. Fair enough they're visiting their gran but unless you are in a better place and feel stronger, in yourself, they'll pick up that things aren't great as soon as they're home.

FWIW - I now believe that some men (and women) are able to just stop feeling, on a whim (or at the very least are able to block their true feelings, even from themselves).

I think if there's something, anything that is frustrating them within a r.ship that they don't foresee will improve, and if it annoys them enough, they can just think 'enough' and it really can be that simple.

Please, for your own sake, stop all bloody contact. If there's a way back, for him, he must find it himself.

Good luck

Agree with af one hundred percent on this.

Why are you clinging to this? It sounds degrading tbh, chasing your tail for him.

If he is depressed, and he certainly may not be, then he's also very selfish and has some funny views on relationships.

The man walked out on you over nothing. It looks pretty bad without the sugar coating, sorry.

Agree with feegle about staying away.

I agree about not chasing him. Where is your self respect?

If a bloke withdraws from me, and then plays with my feelings, the he is not good enough for me!

I am only interested in being adored.

I think AF might well have nailed it.

If you have to convince someone to love you, then it's not worth having. In my very honest opinion.