Advice please - Ex has ds and won't let me call

[99problems]

Ds is 5, he's staying with his da until fri, he's been there since wednesday (ex wanted him for 10 days in summer, usually sees him for a weekend once a month).

Me and ex had an argument on Thursday and since then he is ignoring my calls/texts asking to speak to my ds. Solicitors agreement details he has to phone me once an evening when ds is there to let me know how he is/let me speak with ds. This is the first time over the years that he has done this and I just want to talk to ds and make sure he's ok. He's 4 hours away. What should I do?

French vanilla some children genuinely compartmentalise it their way of coping. Try and force them to speak on the phone you have a crying, screaming mess. Not all of them need to speak to primary caregiver each day and asking them to may cause more harm than good. I am not saying that this is what is going on here, but it can and does happen.

I understand that, as it's your agreement, you want to speak to your DS every day, but I cannot understand why you would want to do that. Your DS is with your ex, you know he is safe, why would you want to drag him out of that situation mentally and want to speak to him every single day? I can understand that, if it's more than a week, you would want to speak to him once in that time, but every day? I really don't think that's in the best interests of the child, actually.

As much as I think this situation is disgraceful - it's all about control, and you need to put a stop to it - I actually agree with IloveJudgeJudy

I have 2 sdc, and when they first started staying here a few years ago, their mum called them every single night, usually while we were in the middle of dinner. I found it horribly intrusive, and the kids found it confusing.

When my ds goes to his Dad's for half the week, I don't speak to him until he comes home, he's busy doing stuff with his Dad and I don't want to intrude. DS knows that he is welcome to call me anytime he likes though.

This current situation is obviously ridiculous and worrying for you - but I think you should rethink the arrangement in all honesty.

Establish some kind of contact with the grandparents and gf so you can send and get a text MSG saying if he ok or not. If ds is ok then not necessary to speak every day. All you need is a text confirming he fine.

If you have concerns over ex bipolar then you really do need a system of contact with another adult so you can be certain ds Is ok when there. If you relying on the gf or gps to make sure all is ok.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Ds called me this evening so something got through to ex. It was such a relief, and he chatted away to me for about 45 minutes (mainly about spiderman/superman but it's all good ). He said he'd missed talking to me and daddy isn't listening to him read (I told him to remind his dad as I knew he wouldn't bother) .

I would have been more willing to make a new plan about how often I speak with ds if ex hadn't done what he's done this visit. He did it because he was angry about our argument and was trying to punish me, this has made me massively think about how responsible he is, he has not put ds before his own pathetic game playing.

So relieved to hear that, OP, have been lurking and feeling for you - have a 5yo DS myself and would be heartbroken thinking of him wanting to talk to me and not being able to, especially when this is the first time he's been away from you for such a long time.

You're absolutely right to re-think boundaries etc after this, it is so irresponsible and as you say, he has not put your DS first. Perhaps now he will realise that in trying to punish you, he has also punished his own son.

45 min is a long time for a 5yo and I think the fact he was on the phone all that time - however much of it was superhero related! - shows just how much he needed to talk to you. (My DS has just discovered Ninja Turtles. He loves his superheroes too!)

Hope things go better over the next week.

People talking about how often a child needs to speak to its parent is muddying the waters - this was not about a reluctant child or a parent who felt it was intruding on their time. It was about a man being controlling - because he knew how to hurt the OP after an arguement.

The fact he then spoke on the phone for 45 minutes is very telling - he needed his Mum. He is used to speaking to her daily and his Dad wasn't letting him.

I would be completely rethinking everything, especially as you say he has BP and going through a 'bad patch'. After this, he would not be getting any unsupervised access At All. He would have to take me to court to get it (and as you say, it's unlikely he'd do that). Yes, it would be a shame for DS to see less of his Dad (if he enjoys it??) however keeping him safe & secure is more important and his Dad can see him supervised. Whether that's by a mutual friend or his parents - or even his GF if you trust her & feel she would be able to go against him if your DS's needed her to.

Frankly, the childs right to be safe & secure over-rides the child's right to see his Dad and certainly over-rides the Dad's desire to see the child (when and where it bloody suits him, not the child - typical).

Agree with chipping.
Ds's dad takes him away for weeks at a time and if he prevented him from speaking to me I would seriously question his parenting since it's so important to ds, never mind me.

Agree with chipping. It was the reason he suddenly decided the OP was no longer allowed to contact her dc that was the issue.

Plus, thinking on it, the OP's dc only stays with his father once a month. It's really not the most frequent contact and I think under those circumstance daily contact would help.

And op joining in and stopping any unsupervised contact on the basis of missed phone calls for a few days somehow isn't also controlling? Stopping contact with a parent for that?

Look, the child is five, staying with his mother the vast majority of the time, father bipolar. I cannot believe some posters are calling the op controlling for trying to minimise upset to her child. Controlling? You SHOULD control the situations your small child is placed in and certainly always be available to them, THAT IS YOUR JOB! If anyone tried to stop my child contacting me, I can't imagine how I'd feel. OP you would certainly not be unreasonable to rethink contact based on this. I really feel for you in this situation, it must be horrible

No ood not stopping contact, stopping unsupervised contact. He is acting irresponsibly. He is making a 5 year old child suffer because he is pissed off with the OP. He has bi/p and is going through a 'bad patch' - so yes, the mother needs to control the situation for the safety and well being of her son - if you can't see that, well....

I agree the fact he spoke to me for 45 mins was a very telling sign, I know ds and he usually doesn't have the attention span to hold a conversation for that long... Havne't heard anything today, not sure if/when I next will. Usually me and ex get along ok and both were able to take a step back from a situation and assess when we were being unreasonable but he has changed recently and doesn't seem able to do that. I also know he's sleeping a lot, personal hygiene has dipped and not attending lectures which is why I think he's not completely well.

I will have to insist on contact with his gf if/when ds stays there in future and hope that she is able to help. His parents live abroad, they are back in the UK for another week and then go back again so they won't be able to do anything. At the moment I'm not thinking rationally because I'm so angry for my ds and I at what he's done, it's a horrible feeling. Really, really miss ds and he was talking excitedly about coming home.

And op joining in and stopping any unsupervised contact on the basis of missed phone calls for a few days somehow isn't also controlling? Stopping contact with a parent for that?

I think moving contact to supervised, when the ex is bi-polar and seems from a range of signs to be symptomatic at the moment, is just responsible parenting, personally. His illness is not his fault, but it shouldn't be his child's problem, either.

Brilliant OP. Definitely time to rethink your approach. Is he amenabale to you discussing his illness?

That must have been horrible Op, not speaking to your son.

I agree it was purely out of spite, I can probably imagine you wouldn't do the same after an argument, it is all about control.

I would totally read him the riot act when he gets home, keep us posted OP.

Well today has been eventful! Lost my job (I was leaving next Friday anyway so just means I lose about £600) and straight after ex rang to say he has no money, can't pay me the £150 he owes and I have to go and pick up ds (arrangement is he does picks ups/drop offs). But looks like I get to pick ds up early so every cloud.... And also means hopefully he won't be in a position to waste thousands on solicitor's fees. Got to speak to ds a little too who seemed very happy to be coming home.

I don't think ex would discuss his illness, he'd very much say it's under control/nothing to worry about/he's got it sorted.

Oh for the love of all things holy! How/why did you lose your job?

Still - at least you were leaving anyway (what are you going to do next??).

Yes, you shouldn't have to go and get DS but I think it's safer and if it means he can come home early, it's money (on petrol) & time well spent :)

Suggest he borrows the money, to pay you, from his parents or his gf?

Apparently no one has any money they can lend him! He doesn't pay me maintenance, I lent him 150 to come see ds on his birthday and he didn't turn up but has kept the money! I was contracting, handed my notice in 3 weeks ago and they called me in today and just told me to go! Temrs of the contract basically say they can sack you whenever they like for whatever reason. I am starting a PGCE in September so will be very, very busy, all of this with ex is last thing I need.

I will be picking ds up asap and need to have a serious think about what to do next!