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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - Ex has ds and won't let me call

71 replies

99problems · 03/08/2013 21:05

Ds is 5, he's staying with his da until fri, he's been there since wednesday (ex wanted him for 10 days in summer, usually sees him for a weekend once a month).

Me and ex had an argument on Thursday and since then he is ignoring my calls/texts asking to speak to my ds. Solicitors agreement details he has to phone me once an evening when ds is there to let me know how he is/let me speak with ds. This is the first time over the years that he has done this and I just want to talk to ds and make sure he's ok. He's 4 hours away. What should I do?

OP posts:
Eglute · 03/08/2013 23:01

*swear

Mips · 03/08/2013 23:04

I would be worried too. I have a 5 year old and i know he would want to speak to me. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Try calling or texting again in the morning. I mean what is difficult about saying you can call at a specific time each day. He is being unreasonable.

Elsiequadrille · 03/08/2013 23:05

Dreadful behaviour, not right at all! Yes, what Chipping said sounded sensible. And I would be rethinking future arrangements very seriously if he does not relent and let you speak to DS tomorrow morning.

Original poster
99problems · 03/08/2013 23:07

This has gone on since Thursday night so I'm not hopeful he'll have a change of heart in the morning, it's utterly frustrating I keep switching from being really upset one minute to totally raging the next

OP posts:
queenebay · 04/08/2013 08:37

Think I would threaten the police.

akaWisey · 04/08/2013 08:39

Go back to your sol and make contact a legally binding agreement which puts your DS's best interests the only priority. Don't engage your ex in another argument once your DS is back. He's using your DS as a weapon against you.

theMovedStone · 04/08/2013 10:02

99 my friend just 'd been in similar situation
Her ex phoned her 1.5 h later when her DC was already in bed swearing at her and twisting that it was her foult again

There is so much you can propobly do about it apart from giving your ex satisfaction that he got you once again

Sad

HeySoulSister · 04/08/2013 10:04

even if op got a contact order....police can do nothing. he probably knows this

posters are delusional about police powers here!!

SoupDragon · 04/08/2013 10:09

Personally, I think phoning every day is too much (even if this is what you agreed). I think you should renegotiate this part. I don't think it is necessarily in the best interests of the child.

That said, your ex is behaving like a childish arse rather than talking it through.

clam · 04/08/2013 10:17

How often does your ex phone your ds whilst he is with you? If it's everyday, how does that work for you? Does it feel an intrusion, or do you feel your ds needs and welcomes it?

Jengnr · 04/08/2013 10:49

'I don't want to talk to you on the phone either, I want to talk to my son. When I call give him the phone or allow him to call me'

Lackedpunchesforever · 04/08/2013 11:11

What a bastard. Continue to make attemps to speak to your son, keep.your texts and call logs and see your solicitor as soon as you can for advice. He is making your child suffer and any reasonable family judge in.the land will kick his sorry ass into touch.
And ignore Heysoulsister. He/she has a bizarre approach to the rights of the menz when.it comes to child contact. I have rung the police twice when Ex and OW played games with regards phone contact. They visited them twice and put them straight. Hasn't happened since.

Original poster
99problems · 04/08/2013 11:50

He never calls when ds is with me (which is about 95% of the time). I call him/encourage him to skype/call ds but he always has an excuse - internet not working/phone died/he's working.

He has bipolar and whilst we can get along, the past 6 months he's more or less fallen off the radar and been seeing/contacting ds less and less. Our argument on Thursday was when he told me he's going to drop out of uni, which on reflection is another sign he's going through a bad patch. I'm not concerned about ds' safety as he will be either with ex's gf or with ex's parents, all of whom are responsible. However I feel really uncomfortable with him completely blocking contact with my ds for potentially another 6 days!!

It looks like I'm going to have to go to a solicitor - mine has closed down so will have to find another and get into debt again. Although again I'm not really sure what they can do?

OP posts:
teaandbourbons · 04/08/2013 12:09

What an absolute dick. If you are 100% sure that DS will be fine then I would leave it until he gets home. Then there is absolutely no way in hell I would hand my son over to him again. Let him take you to court. If you are at all worried about DS at the moment then don't hesitate to contact the police.

Elsiequadrille · 04/08/2013 12:18

I feel almost upset on your behalf that it may be you won't have been able to speak to your dc for so long, nor he to you.

Tell him that there will be repercussions, and this will affect future access. If he gives a damn about this he may just stop.

froubylou · 04/08/2013 12:34

In this instance I would involve his parents. I would a force him to take me to court for further contact. What abbastard.

The fact that you have concerns about his mental health would be enough for me. I've stopped DD seeingmy exp bbefore now as he was having issues with depression which resulted in him being unreliable and unpredictable. And he had a court order.

Lonecatwithkitten · 04/08/2013 12:54

Some children don't want to talk to the other parent on the phone. My DD definitely compartmentalises her life like this. ExH used to give me a really hard time if he didn't speak to her everyday even though he didn't afford me the same curtesy. But how do you make a child speak on the phone who doesn't want to.
Could this be the case? Just offering another side.

WhiteandGreen · 04/08/2013 13:36

I think if my DH wanted to call every day while my DD is with me I would find that very intrusive.

And for those who say that stopping contact due to this is a reasonable response, then I think you're not coming across as if you have the child's best interests at heart.

HeySoulSister · 04/08/2013 13:40

Lackedpunchesforever Sun 04-Aug-13 11:11:54 And ignore Heysoulsister. He/she has a bizarre approach to the rights of the menz when.it comes to child contact.

oh really? wheres that then?

HeySoulSister · 04/08/2013 13:43

op....solicitors cant 'do' much. anything agreed through them isn't enforceable either....but any agreement falling through wouldn't be looked upon kindly by a judge.could you try mediation? a requirement these days before entering the family courts anyway. would he take this to court? maybe cafcass could be involved if it got to that stage?i found them to be quite good

Frenchvanilla · 04/08/2013 13:47

He's five years old. Obviously he needs to speak to his primary caregiver every day. That is totally reasonable and I can't believe that anyone is quibbling that.

SoupDragon · 04/08/2013 13:50

He's five years old. Obviously he needs to speak to his primary caregiver every day

It's not "obvious" at all. None of mine ever felt the need to do this. I still maintain that every day is too much, far too intrusive to the parent and not in the child's best interests.

Original poster
99problems · 04/08/2013 13:53

I suggested mediation a while ago and he totally refused. Actually I'm not so sure if he would go to court now, he received legal aid last time, this time he wouldn't so unless his parents contributed I'm not sure he could afford it.

I understand what people are saying about daily phone calls being intrusive but usually ds goes on Friday, so ex texts he to let me know they got there ok. Phone call on Saturday and back on Sunday. It's rare ds is with him for a prolonged period of time.

I may text his mum, I'm not entirely sure her phone number is correct but could try... I'm actually a little nervous, hate 'rocking the boat'.

OP posts:
ourlittlestreet · 04/08/2013 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elsiequadrille · 04/08/2013 13:56

I don't think every day necessary either, but the OP will not have spoken to her dc for over a week by the time he is returned. And it seems the ex has just decided to stop the calls because of an unconnected row, nothing to do with the child, which isn't really great.