The effects of an unhealthy relationship and how to recover..

[hardtohandle36]

gone no contact with an ex who became abusive after around 6 months into relationship that lasted 2 yrs. Its been 4 weeks since last saw him.
The relationship was very passionate but with him almost became obsessive/controlling. He would turn up at my house without calling first, push me into things and was quite manipulative. I didnt feel heard. He was quite overbearing. He became very agitated and depressed for other reasons, would constantly talk and not wait for a reply but talk over me and not listen anyway :-( It has battered my self esteem.
But also, for some reason i felt utterly trapped, like there was no way out (i think this was due to his persistence, not leaving me alone, not taking no for an answer).. I didnt involve police, just wasnt strong enough.
so, what started happening is i started to become someone i wasnt to cope. Going out/drinking too much at times, but also became very anxious, jumping anytime anyone came to my door, not being able to relax myself. The effects of this are still with me.. :-( I just wonder why he became like this with me. I did love him :-( and still feel he has a hold over me, why? why do i feel i want to see him?
guess im looking to hear from people who have felt similar and have recovered or are getting there, or just any support!

Hiya,

Really sorry to hear all of that...

You know four weeks out of it isn't that long really....and the effects you speak of are normal for this sort of abuse...

My advice would be to give it a while longer, maybe two or three more months....

During this time, go on a massive self esteem mission. Pick several positives statements such as 'I am safe' or 'I like myself because I'm an alright person' or 'I matter' and repeat them every day, and whenever you feel down or anxious.

Abusive relationships like this are wrong. They remain wrong even when they are over. The temptation is to get the person back and overturn that wrong. But the person often won't listen, ever. They continue to believe they are right. You end up feeling more mad.

So don't bother. Don't include that person in the making wrong right process. Do it alone.

Also talk it out. The more positive reinforcement that they were wrong and you were right, the better. Don't have anything to do with your ex ever again. It will be a pointless exercise because it will be re entering the twilight zone.

Xxx. Wishing you peace ahead x

Hello just seen your post and had to reply. I understand how you feel. I'm a total mess, my 4 yr relationship has just ended in a horrible way tonight. I know what you mean about feeling trapped and like there's some hold over you. Mine was also a very passionate relationship and I think he weaved the hold over me by telling me he loved me oh so much and I was the best thing ever. I was vulnerable and yes I loved him. He was emotionally abusive and manipulative like your ex.

Sorry I don't have any advice as I feel a mess myself. Just wanted to let you know your not alone

Have you good friends? Do you see them often?

something2say
thanks for taking the time to reply, your post made me well up. I gave him a chance following divorce from exh, my first relationship since.. he is divorced too and with sons similar age i felt we were on common ground.
You are right though, i tried to make the wrongs.. right. fix it..but due to his behavior i started to get anxious/depressed and become someone Im not :-( resulting in me not feeling like i am a nice person.. feel battered by whole experience and also feel like i am reliving the hurt of my marriage breakdown.. all of this has come at a time my exh has moved on with another woman. I feel utterly alone.

mm101
Ive become very withdrawn although do have a few things organised with some other mums over the holidays.. this has almost driven me to a breakdown..

Aww bless you sweetheart, I hadn't realised there was a marriage in there too.. That's a lot of disappointment all at the same time.

I wonder if a period of 'time off' might be good for a while as well then?

I remember this particular relationship I had, where I really wanted it to irk out and had increasingly worse doubts about it. It was like having a prism that I turned and turned and could never get to look (for long) how I wanted it to look. I lerned the hard way to put it down.

If you are having massive doubts and fears about your future and life in her email, take some time out. Maybe no new relationships for a while. Certainly get your behaviour back on track for you are happy being, and offer an apology to whoever / the universe for what you did under pressure, and then move on, the wiser. I think we all do things we regret under certain conditions, and it is to be learnt from and I think we become kinder and more forging to others and ourselves when we think it through.

Also think about your intuition and what / when it led to believes certain things. I learnt that what I began to sense was what eventually happened in the end. I could have listened at first and saved myself heartache, or I could have muddle on pretending I did not know what I actually did know. Maybe bow to give more credence to yourself and what you sense, your own wisdom.

I really do swear by self esteem stuff tho. Saying nice things and thinking them, means we are making nice energy. It feels nice to think and say nice things, and it encourages us to be those nice things. If you are suffering depression, it is important to be gentle and affirming, and offer hope and solace. You are not alone.

I find it helps to make a little plan for the future, and factor in stuff you need to do now. Could you make a plan of things you could start doing tonight, like eat well, sleep, get some exercise every day, treat yourself well somehow? And then changes you want to make to your personality, to get back what he cut off? And the maybe goals for your life, like a truly decent relationship when the time is right, and meanwhile some study or travel, or something with the kids? All with a mantra of 'I am a good person' going on in the background?

Remember there is more to life than relationships. A wise woman won't let them knock her too much, yet it is ok to cry for something you loved and lost, as it will pass.

Hugs xxx

Sorry about the typos! Her email is in general.....then more forgiving.....and then vow.....

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You can do it online or in a group setting... might help you move on and also help you set up more healthy relationship boundaries for the future, to prevent yourself getting so tangled up in something. It is normal to be sad when a relationship ends of course, but it shouldn't feel like the end of the world or that you have lost your whole life, and you shouldn't feel you have to change for a relationship, so the freedom programme can help with this too.

a divorce, then new P then unplanned pregnancy which resulted in miscarriage probably due to the stress.
I am making changes already, started exercising again, took my ds away on holiday, continue to work and run a household.
feeling completely back to square one.
Just feel a bit broken tonight and your reply has made me cry.
I havent done anything particularly wrong, but i have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
How could i ever trust again? I just want someone there for me.. but it isnt going to happen as feel way too damaged..it will pass, really? I cant seem to let go..

I dont feel i have to change to be in a relationship, but the result was I was changing regardless but not in a positive way.. becoming withdrawn etc
It doesnt feel like my world has ended, i have my ds, but the disappointment is awful. The fact I got myself to a certain "place" ready for a relationship again and i now feel back to square one... thanks for the freedom programme link..

Yes it will definitely pass. The feeling of loss is really strong with relationships I think. You probably do have other people who are there for you, you just two one after the others...that is going to hurt...and make you forget your perspective. My advice is not to avoid hurting. Otherwise it won't heal. You won't always feel this damaged, but you are right now and it needs attending to. They say not to think too far into the future, as in, how will I ever find another? I can't see it happening so it obviously won't happen. Avoid thinking like this. Just concentrate on you for a while. I think if you can't let go, that may because you are still hurt. Hurt about something is different to still wanting someone. How could you not be hurt? That is unrealistic.

I remember suffering a big loss and I used to feel like a petulant child with the pain. I wanted to stamp and rage and nothing seemed any good. I remember getting pissed and crying face down into the rug. I was good. I did it a few times. I used to walk about thinking 'I have lost EVERY THING.' That went on for a good length of time. Then one day, I had done the crying and was running the bath for the taking care of self after crying part, and I started saying to myself that I had lost everything, and I didn't feel it was right to say it anymore. I had to search around for what I felt by that point. It was good. It proved to me that when you live something fully, it passes onwards.

Don't be afraid to suffer. I won't kill you. It's alright. Do the crying, then take care.

You sound as tho you are getting through the days alright. Don't think that no Saturday night will eve be any good etc, as this is not so. Right now you are in mourning, in black, and that's appropriate.

I promise it will pass. Now what else can you do to distract yourself tonight after these tears? Sorry I made you cry. But glad I was able to be a help to a fellow woman. X

thank you "something to say"
i havent even touched getting over him, but the anxiety is easing and getting quite depressed. I love him and I cant help it, I am not going back, but i "know" what i saw wasnt the "real" him, i know what he could (and probably) will be. Maybe it was timing, we met at the wrong time in our lives...
I wonder if i will ever see him again, I want to, but i feel scared to..
then i think, he may have met someone else.. no trust..we spit for 8 weeks before and he met up with someone but "nothing happened".. he said it was kind of rebound.. :-( that really hurts me. Im keeping going day by day but i just wonder what he is doing, how he is and cant bear the thought he is with someone else..

I am nine months out of an abusive relationship. I am just starting to build my self esteem by making lots of goals, some just basic stuff such as taking care of my nails. I had hit rock bottom through living with daily verbal and emotional abuse. My ex has just started a new relationship with a married woman, he is being charm personified. I am having to tell myself that he is someone to be pitied, as he believes his own lies about how good he is and how it is everyone else pushing his buttons. In reality I haven't lost anything, it was just an illusion, likewise the Redon he gets with will have short lived happiness. I in the anger stage of trying to work how why I let myself be treated as I was. I have constructed a two year plan and kept his abusive messages to remind myself of what I've left behind.

Just to add my ex waited two days to have a rebound fling, this was after nearly six years. Since then he has had two flings with women who have partners, I have made a mental list of why he is someone that I do not want in my life. It certainly isn't me that is the loser.

well done bgf
i really cant decide if it was abusive, although abusive things were said iyswim. He pinned me to the bed once and threatened me once. But not sure if it was "full blown" abuse. very strange though, i love him but was frightened of him. I miss him, or is it just having someone there that i miss? he will always be in my heart. I was pregnant with his child, but miscarried. It wasnt meant to be, I knew that deep down, everything was wrong at the time and i considered abortion as pregnancy unplanned. I really wanted that child, but i really dont think i could have done it with him, even though i wanted it to work, he was too unstable.. :-(

i really cant decide if it was abusive, although abusive things were said iyswim. He pinned me to the bed once and threatened me once. But not sure if it was "full blown" abuse. very strange though, i love him but was frightened of him.

Yes, it was abuse.

Sweetheart, I know it hurts now - I am going through similar - but one thing keeps me going and that is

I had a lucky escape

cos there's no way I would want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship like that. (And it only gets worse, never better).

thanks ML, I am REALLY tying to believe this. :-( denial perhaps

I'm so sorry you feel so rotten, but please know that this will pass soon!

You're already feeling less tense and stressed.

Please let me explain the situation, as someone in an abusive relationship for 10 years, and out for approaching 3.

MOST abusers wait for about 18m - 2yrs before showing their true colours. Yours waited for 6m.

Abusers only ever get worse, never better. So yours was one of the worst. Right there.

None of this was any fault of yours, you didn't make him do any of it, you didn't cause it, you had no impact on it, and could never, ever fix it. This was about him, his control, his self esteem, his fears and inferiority.

What you saw at the beginning wasn't him, it was him pretending to be nice to hook you in.

But that's not who he is, he simply can't maintain it, no matter how long you chase that ghost, whatever you put up with hoping that he'll get 'back' to who he was, he won't. Quite simply, he doesn't want to.

Truth? He's NOT nice. He's potentially dangerous.

Make sure he stays gone. You don't want an abusive man in your life.

Stay out and keep talking to us.

Keep him gone! (((hug)))

thanks Hissy, it isnt really passing although I do have times when i can get some inner peace :-( just feel tormented really. I feel lonely and miss him. Had day out with ds yesterday and looked at all of the families, I experienced more of the "family" feeling with him that i did with my ex H. I know what I am missing in the "good times" and feel dissappointed in him for screwing it up/becoming possessive/controlling etc.. when he had no reason to.
My councellor said at least I left, most women would be out a lot sooner and say "f88k off" however she said some stay in it a lot longer...
Pretending to be nice to "hook me in" but why ? dont really understand why someone would do that on purpose ?
He did say about getting help and for us to go to relate together however I ddnt feel it was really an estabilished enough relationship to be going through this, after 2 yrs? Why would he look at me calmly in the eyes and call me a "slag" really hurts :-( He threatened to come and beat my manager up cause I had a meeting with him! crazy.
He then went through a suicidal stage, getting desperate saying he would "fight for me". I was so worried about him, but had to cut off for my sanity..he was depressed and said how he had "lost everything" perhaps a build up of losing him home/son due to divorce then losing me who he came to 3 months following divorce? so perhaps this wasnt all about me.
I know though that he wasnt a bad person iyswim? that why i get so confused. But why am I still living this? he is gone, I wont see anyone he knows to ask how he is, we wont bump into each other, hes just gone, as if he didnt exist and Im left suffering. I dont want to be a victim, but at the moment i am feeling that way :-(

These relationships are so powerfully toxic and he's damaged it so early on that it's slap bang in the middle of the bit that you'll be most vulnerable, the bit where you attach to him.

It's done for a reason. To give him the maximum emotional stiffy from watching your hurt.

That's what gets these Fuck ups off. He's done it all, because he could, and more importantly, because he wanted to.

They are all the same. That's why I can be so blanket about them. Even down to the suicide script. So common.

You are so early in the recovery process, you're still in shock and mourning. So just remind yourself of why it's over, and look at those happy families and know that the longer he's in your life, he's taking up the space of a decent man, one that you do deserve. Work hard to protect yourself, do the freedom programme, read the Lundy book, do counselling and challenge everything you know about life to get to where you need to be.

Big task yes, but worth it.

YOU ARE WORTH THAT EFFORT!

but why do it on purpose? why would he want to watch me hurt?
He apologised for how he was with me and called himself and "evil" person for treating me that way.
I really just dont understand, Im sorry. Thank you for the encouragement, I'll get there in time, but Im really hurting, seems to be hitting me now, maybe the realisation.

Because he feeds off it! Imagine a little boy pulling legs off ants.

That's it.

It all comes from inferiority, not power.

He knows you're better, stronger, nicer than him. He wants that, can't have it, so will take yours.

There's no alternative other than to write him off.

If you can, please tell me one thing he did, that changed the way you thought about him.

Mine told my best friend's H that i'd been in a mental institution for FIVE years.

I haven't been. He just told him that so the H would tell his DW, my ONLY friend at the time, to dump me.

I clung to that truth, and it gave me the impetus to do what I had to.

I told him that to make me look 'bad', he had to make stuff up. To make him look bad, all I had to do was to tell the truth. It was a really powerful statement.

Find YOUR truth, cling to it.

Oh, and as for us 'understanding'.. we won't, we can't! Heck, THEY don't even understand it themselves, and if they did, they'd never admit to it.

The only thing we need to concern ourselves with is getting stronger, overcoming th damage done, and making all efforts to not allow it to happen to us again.

It ultimately doesn't matter why, only that it happened in the first place.

Have you got the Lundy Book?

He grabbed my arm and threatened to "haunt me for the rest of my life" if i cheated on him.
While i was having a miscarriage, he came to "make sure it was happening"
He told my mother (the worst person) i was pregnant by knocking on her door at 12 oclock at night and took all of that away from me.
The stress I think caused the misscarriage.
This resulted in me going a bit off the rails and a particular incident happened that i am not proud of but i am beating myself up for, majorly.
I have the Lundy book yes, I havent read it yet because i want to try to concentrate on positives (not working very well!) but perhps will give me insight?