Massive row feel like I've been battered

[Dearjackie]

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

[PedantMarina]

From what you've described, yes. I agree that his sister seems to have brought up he STBXW on purpose, just to stir it. They seem to support him in what he's doing to you. And perhaps the best indictment seems to be the finished product that is him - he got that way somehow, and a bad family is the likeliest explanation.

[PedantMarina]

Something that hasn't been covered yet, but might be worth thinking about, esp if it helps you to recover. Hope this comes out sounding supportive - it's at risk of not, but I absolutely mean it to make you feel better.

Even if he were much better person than he is, this was probably not going to be the love of your life. You're in the process of divorcing another, your head has already been a bit muddled by that - anybody you meet during this sort of time is likely to be the "transition" relationship. It is a statistical unlikelihood that a new relationship formed during this time is going to last long or be good for you.

Of course, sometimes it can happen, and that's good, but if it doesn't - even if it's for simpler "just not working" reasons, there's no need to feel badly about it.

I'm firmly of the belief that a woman (probably a man, too, but that's not the issue right now) NEEDS to have some time and space to herself between relationships, give herself a chance to figure out who she really is before she starts with another man. I've seen women who don't do this, and it usually ends up with them having no personality or will of their own, and that's always sad to see.

HTH

[cafecito]

Lucky lucky escape, don't go backwards. Sounds like my abusive twunt of an ex in its early days. I wish I'd used an event like that as the end rather than letting it carry on until I nearly died from his abuse. These things escalate. You're worth so much more

[clutterhoarder]

You are worth more than this.

You deserve better.

You deserve to be happy.

It's the best thing that shit has done for you by going too far.

My thinking got warped over the years. I kept on putting up with increasing amounts of shit.

I stopped thinking it was fixable but still stayed with him.
When it was finally over, i'm hurt so much less than i expected.

I still miss him - pathetic really, but life is better, easier, less stressed, calm. I am at peace. My hair stopped falling out and the back pain disappeared. I would never go back.

If I'm such a totally insane, twisted, malicious bitch why does he want me back?

At the final end, I had a kind of light go off and realised it would never be how I imagined it to be. I couldn't face any more years of living that way.

I had this picture of us retiring to a cottage but it was never going to happen. I finally got it. I started telling people and they couldn't believe what an arse he was and that I put up with it for that long.

[PedantMarina]

BTW, you're getting good advice about not analysing it (his behaviour, his family's, yours, even) too much. And this is good advice.

That said, none of us are silly enough to think you're going to take it! If I were in your position (and I have been there - can't ya tell? ), I couldn't have stopped obsessing over Where It All Went Wrong if I'd had a team of wild horses and a naked Jarvis Cocker to distract me. This is perfectly normal and nothing to beat yourself up about.

Just bear in mind that what you need to be focussing on right now is YOU and that the more time you spend trying to think about things that cannot be fixed, the less time you're spending on where it will do some good for you.

Find ways to pleasantly distract yourself, the more so if they're also pamper-y. I think trying to sort out the holiday so you can go with a friend would be brilliant. Do a massive houseclean (yes, including his stuff) and maybe get some things on ebay or a boot sale. Take nice long walks in the lovely air. Watch a box set of something he'd hate. Etc.

[Dearjackie]

I have to say if I had rung my sister and said what he did she would have quite clearly told me she felt uncomfortable and it was between us to sort. Then privately talked with me if I needed support. She wouldn't have stayed on the phone like that and she would have recognised it was humiliating for him.

Thank you all for your wonderful support I truly don't have much in RL and its going to be hard to build up a life without him. I'm not young my children are grown up so I just don't have the contacts

I have slept for 3 hrs and have a migraine he is aware I have chronic health issues that can be fairly serious and they are made worse with stress but that's how much he cares for me

[Dearjackie]

I hate feeling sorry for myself and I very much do at the moment. Is this wrong? He always told me everything was all about me.

I feel like I've been played in so many ways. I already have the Lundy Bancroft book and believe him to be a mix of the demand man and the player. I feel used and yes abused. I have had to fight with him every step of the way to be treated with respect over numerous things. And whilst certain things might have changed something else crops up to take its place. I don't know if I'm making sense here, I just feel a mess

[Dearjackie]

I have the horrible sick feeling he didn't care for me at all. He refused to give my key until some mail he's expecting arrives at my house. I said I would report him to police if he didn't to which he said he'd deny he had it. I'm embarrassed to say I slapped him during all this I felt shocked terrified disbelieving that all this could be happening all because of me expressing my hurt at his sisters comment

During the scuffle although I never even felt it at the time my arm got bruised. Later when it started hurting I showed it to him and that was one of the reasons he came back to apologise after he'd left. Later he came and gave me my key ' because he knew I was scared he'd come in without me there'

I really think he was scared I might report him so yet again he's concerned about himself and any decent man would be mortified with that happening as I am. They wouldn't just go anyway would they? And leave me to it

He tried ringing over and over, I didn't answer but my son did when he got in and brought the phone to me. He apologised for my arm again I said goodbye and hung up

I know I have to stop analysing but it's still so fresh and I feel so shocked

[Dearjackie]

hesterton you are spot on with regards to going for the polar opposite of my ex. I thought he was exciting and had left my marriage as we were more like friends than husband and wife

The stbxw is the mother of his kids but the sister sees her about 3 times a week and us rarely so you'd think she'd be focussing on asking how we were and what we were doing. However even giving her the benefit of the doubt and she's not been nasty to me before really, the problem in all this was his total overreaction to me moaning about it. I can't understand why he overreacted to that extent

No we were not with partners when we met but had not long split.

I don't think he had time to get key cut everywhere would have been close at that time

[Dearjackie]

Btw oh how I wish I had that friendship now but my ex is happily with someone else and we are nearly divorced

[Cerisier]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Another vote for changing the locks. You can't be certain he didn't get duplicate keys made. This is a dangerous time when feelings are running high and you must protect yourself and your DC.

[Cerisier]

X-post, if you are sure he couldn't get duplicates then fair enough.

[Dearjackie]

I live alone my children are grown up. My son sort of lives between here and his girlfriends house. I feel so utterly alone. I've had a terrible shock and have nobody to talk to. My mum is elderly, my sister is hundreds of miles away and on holiday at the momentary daughter is pregnant and I can't burden her with my problems.

I have lost all closeness with any friends I had partly through all the stupidity that's gone on in this relationship

[Cerisier]

It is hard keeping up with friends at the best of time, let alone when dealing with this sort of set up at home. It sounds exhausting.

Your daughter would surely want to know what is going on? I would be upset if my mum didn't think she could talk to me about things. It isn't as if DD is a youngster.

[Dearjackie]

No he wasn't right for me and I'm certainly not looking for another man, in fact I'm worried this may have put me off for good. I will be constantly nervous in future about this happening again

I find it hard to get my head round the fact that he's done this again. Apparently "he can never do anything right" but it wasn't him I was moaning about it was a comment by his sister.

I really need a massive dose of strength to stay the hell away. I know for sure I won't contact him but I'm not so sure he won't contact me

[Dearjackie]

cerisier I have involved her in the past and she ended up disliking him for a while. That had all settled down and they get on well now. Not that that matters now its just like she sheen on this roller coaster with me in a way and now she's pregnant I want to protect her

I'm exhausted haven't slept for more than 3 hours and keep crying. I don't want my son seeing me like this when he comes in

[Dearjackie]

hesterton I very much plan to do what you've suggested I just still need to get over what feels like a massive shock. I NEVER expected it to end like that and certainly not yesterday. All seemed to going well its totally out of the blue. However that's how it was it could change in an instant if he got in a mood or didn't like something I said. And I wasn't one for shutting up really

As regards the holiday if it was anywhere else I would probably pluck up courage and go alone but it's a country where women can get a lot of hassle so I wouldn't be comfortable. I really don't have anyone to come with me

[Dearjackie]

I'm not worried about having space to myself as I do like quite a lot of time on my own anyway. I'm concerned that he still has a hold over me and I think it's because he made himself indispensable in a way. I feel he's played me too saying the right things to get me and keep me and get back with me. Because if the things he's said we're true he wouldn't treat me like this

He created a massive drama Boxing Day and rung me when I was at work telling me he was leaving, couldn't take it anymore et ect all because he was miserable Xmas day and I said he should be with his kids. Apparently he'd chosen to be with me and I was never happy. I was in bits at work and came home to find he'd gone and spent it alone. That's just one example. I need to keep reminding myself how ridiculously out of hand this has become

[Dearjackie]

Since then because I had a wobbly moment feeling a bit jealous about stbxw we had a massive row in early hours of morning during which again I felt totally unheard and misunderstood and he again goaded me into telling him to leave and it was over. It was ten days before I heard from him that time