Massive row feel like I've been battered

[Dearjackie]

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

[Dearjackie]

Thank you clutter hearing that makes me feel a bit stronger and that I did the right thing

[chipmonkey]

Jackie, think of it this way. If you are addicted to heroin and you give it up, at first you feel like shit. All you want is the heroin, you would sell your granny to get it. you FEEL and BELIEVE that you need the heroin.

But, if you stay strong and stay off the heroin, eventually you realise that you are better without the stuff. You can think straight. You are not in thrall to it.

And eventually after all that you realise that you should never have taken the heroin in the first place.

Abusive controlling men are like heroin.

[Dearjackie]

I no longer tell anyone in RL about any problems or arguments we had because i was ashamed and I know what they would think even if they didn't say it. That is not me really. I have always been open with people and never one to hide things, not really had much to hide before

Whats so telling to me also is he was so concerned that he'd upset his sister but hardly bothered at all about me being upset. That really hurts when I've really loved him and invested in the relationship

[pollywollydoodle]

dearjackie you're in love with his nice "mask" unfortunately that mask hides the real shit that he is. You've seen it today, remember it..

Be kind to yourself. You'll need time and help to unscramble the thoughts and feelings he has (deliberately) scrambled. MN /therapy/ friends in rl
all could help. The proccess will be much easier without him there

[Twirlyhot]

Talk to the travel agent. You might be able to change the name on the booking and change a double room to a twin. Then you could go with a friend instead.

You've spent enough time on the oxygen thief.

[PedantMarina]

I would bet cash money that you don't [think you] have as many IRL friends as you did when you started this relationship. One of the other abuser things to do is to try to isolate their victims (yes, that's what you've been these four years).

Reach out to somebody IRL - your "shame" is just another symptom of what he's done to you. It's not your shame: it's his and his toxic family's. And I would bet even more that even if I was right in paragraph 1, you'll be reversing the trend now that you're free of him.

Look after yourself dearjackie.

[Dearjackie]

So he is a shit then? I know that sounds a ridiculous question but I need people to keep telling me what they see because what I've been seeing isnt reality I don't think

[cozietoesie]

Oh yes - he certainly is.

[Dearjackie]

pedant you are right but I'm not sure he has deliberately tried to isolate me more its something that has happened because I have become embarrassed about the number of times he's left me or we've argued and I've told friends. So now I don't see them much

[Dearjackie]

Il bet money he is not agonising over anything tonight but will now be asleep. Probably having had a long chat with his mum and sister about how difficult I make his life

[clutterhoarder]

I have been in your place Jackie.

I didn't stay strong, I kept taking him back.

I knew in my head it wasn't me but I wasn't strong enough to let him go.

I loved him and wanted him to come back.

Did I think he could/would change?

Not really, he would never accept it was him not me.

Counselling helped me realise it was him at fault and then begin to believe in myself.

It also helped me to work towards not making a similar mistake with future partners.

You've made the first step towards a better future and I'm proud of you.

Sometimes writing down exactly how things happen in as much detail as possible makes you focus on how twattish some of their behavior is. it keeps it clear in your head.

[PedantMarina]

Whoa! This is new information (though, I can't say surprising): he's left you already a number of times?

Make this the final time, then.

Yes, he is being a shit - I will say it in so many words: HE IS BEING A SHIT.

You've already mentioned walking on eggshells (I think you worded it as "softening" things, and you have bought in to the belief that your own feelings aren't as important as theirs. These are classic symptoms, and you would know it more if you weren't so immersed in it, you simply can't see another way of being.

But every day you spend away from this SHIT (hoping thrice is the charm!) you'll get better and stronger.

Keep him away. First thing tomorrow, pack the rest of his stuff in bin bags, give him a set time to come and collect, and have a friend with you when he does.

[Glenshee]

£400 well spent!

Yes, yes, I know it's a lot of money, but if that's what it costs to get rid of an abusive man in your life, then - honestly - it's not too high a price to pay.

You need to make sure you go no contact - absolutely no contact at all, no contact, for no reason whatsoever.

Also, contact Women's Aid for support, so that you can recover from this episode fully and move on.

[minkembernard]

Op
this thread has lots of useful links on EA at the top.

Also a good plans to rant or to get support.

He is trying to shut down your voice by making arguing with him impossible so you stop trying.
he will no doubt be in contact in a couple of days saying he will come back if you apologise.
toe the line or I will leave you is a classic abusive trick.

He won't change. it will probably get worse.

I went through the same with my ex. it was death by a thousand cuts. he would talk over me. ask me impossible questions to which there was no right answer. blame me for all kinds of things. storm out if i dared complain. then Hoover me back know again.
It is exhausting. make this the last time.
Stay strong. move on.
Re establish contact with your friends.

[Glenshee]

Good advice about packing his stuff from PedantMarina! Absolutely don't entertain seeing him on your own when he comes to collect.

[Dearjackie]

Yes he has walked out saying its over several times but never really meaning it. Now since I made clear how fed up I was with that treatment and the threats of " he can't put up with my shit anymore" he has changed tac and now says " well finish with me then" which is really just another way of controlling things isn't it. Today I said fine

He will then return and want to talk things over usually after a while.often admitting fault to a point but always making sure at least a part of the fault is attributed to me

clutter I have tried again each time because I thought it was 'fixable' but its gone too far this time. I love him and it will hurt I hope I can be strong because I tend to forgive people too easily

[Dearjackie]

mink yes I have noticed he has tried to control me by making arguing impossible and more than that he will turn any discussion I may want into a massive argument if he doesn't want the discussion. I think he does it to throw me off track from the original issue

[Dearjackie]

I feel massively in shock actually. Just a few hours ago I thought I had someone who loved and cared for me and that I could rely on and now it's over. What did I do to cause this, I know I didn't actually do anything. But what in his mind did I do I would like to know

[minkembernard]

Exactly Jackie you are seeing through the fog. it is all about stopping you ever getting your point across so they never have to change. the making you take some of the responsibility is also classic
Asia i am really sorry i shouted/called you names/humiliated you/pushed you but if you had not done (insert the thing you supposedly did) i would not have to.

This, this is abuse

And it is very hard to leave OP. so brace yourselkf. be strong. tell people in rl if it means you are more likey to stick to it.
Buy a copy of lundy bancroft.

If he gives you the well i only dude x because you did y speech don't engage. don't argue. just say yes and that is all the more reason why we should not be together. rinse and repeat.
Then ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

Because the only way to win this war is to stop fighting.
Because that is what a rs with an abuser is. a war that they are determined to win.

Good luck OP.
Keep coming back for support.

[minkembernard]

As in. not Asia.

[PedantMarina]

So, you KNOW he's going to try it again. You've got time to work yourself up into a calm-but-angry place and ensure he doesn't worm his way back in.

This is where putting his things into bags can help you. You'll feel like you're taking back your home. Get rid of any signs of him, put furniture back where you liked it before he came to live, etc. And presenting him with fait accompli will of course make sure he gets the hint.

Having a friend with you will help keep you strong. Absolutely no reason why you shouldn't. No reasonable person could think you unfair for wanting a supporter by your side.

Buuuuttt of course he's not a reasonable person, so be prepared for any kind of stupid argument.

I'm sure others will join me in urging you to disengage. There's absolutely no way you're ever going to convince him or his toxic family that he's done wrong, so don't even try. The faster you accept this truth, the faster your healing will start. Specific to him collecting his stuff, a simple "take your bags and go" and "there's no point in discussing", etc. Come up with a few stock phrases - the more matter-of-fact and simple the better, and use them like a broken record. Pretend you're in a shop where you're returning a faulty item, and try to feel as little about/for him as you would one of those shop assistants.

YY to Women's Aid - they have a "Freedom programme" about which I have heard good things.

[Dearjackie]

Also how can he seriously think he can show me up to his sister in that way and make me out to be this awful person.I wouldn't tell people of his faults in that way it would be too embarrassing and you don't treat a partner that way

[Dearjackie]

I will try women's aid but I thought they were for people in much worse situations than me?

pedant do you think his family are toxic?

[Sallyingforth]

I like chipmonkey's analogy with heroin. That is so true.

You feel awful now, but this is the worst part of it and once you have committed to ending the abuse you only have better times to look forward to. Don't let him start the cycle again.

[minkembernard]

Op does not really matter if his family are toxic.
Don't overanalyse for now. you won't get answers to why he did this to you. He will never fully acknowledge it.
pedants advice is excellent.

WA is for every woman in an abusive rs who needs help. FP can help you spot abusers so you can confirm your x is an abuser and avoid in future.
If that feels too much order a copy if lundy bancroft asap. it really does help click things into focus.