Feel like MIL doesn't like me - should I stop making the effort?

[wearyandweepy]

It is always me that arranges visits to PIL but I feel like stopping making the effort as I feel MIL doesn't like me anymore andiI feel uncomfortable around her. We spent a couple of days there recently and had a few conversations where I feel she was getting at me/rude but would appreciate your opinions.

1. She asked if dh has heard from his ex wife recently. He has a child with her who he hasn't seen for 2 years, MIL asked if the ex had been in touch about that. I said no and that his ex is unlikely to just get in touch and offer up contact now - that dh needs to take court action. MIL made several excuses like 've can't be sure where she is' and said 'not everyone's lucky enough to have a reasonable ex' which is a dig at me and also no excuse for no contact IMO.

1. She kept fetching dh beers/food etc and telling him to sit and relax as he works so hard and is 'always doing everything with the Kids.' He works 4 days then has 4 days off and I do everything for the Kids, everything in the house, work part time and am studying for a degree. He has a hobby he spends 2hhalf days per week doing and a job which is very occasionally demanding. All comments about him working hard were made while glaring at me.

1. She asked if I wanted wine. I said no thank you and indicated 14 month old dd as the reason. She then went off on a rant about how I'd have to stop feeding her myself soon etc. I said I actually didn't want to drink as I was taking Care of dd, not just because of bf, she said 'you're not the only one capable of doing that you know.' however, she had had 2 bottles of wine, fil had had half a bottle of whisky and dh had had ten bottles of beer - so IMO I was the only one capable of looking after her.

1. She says every time I see her ' you've almost got.your figure back haven't you?' despite me weighing a stone less than before I had dd and being a size 8.

1. Dd has only seen mil probably 5 times this year so understandably is keener to stay with me. However mil always approaches her crouching down, hands out saying 'i'm going to get/take you'. Dd runs behind my legs and mil walks off snapping 'she isn't like this when you're.not here' - she's seen mil just with dh once. Maybe she is different when I'm there, but if mil just came and sat and played with us I'm sure she'd warm to her.more than with the 'take you're thing. I feel like being petty and saying I'll go then, shall I?'

I could go on but appreciate this is long already! Am I being petty or would you not feel very liked/welcome in these situations? Should I say something or simply leave it and see if anyone else arranges get togethers?

Sorry spelling and grammar is atrocious! Dd is asleep on my arm and have pins and needles.

Detach yourself. Don't initiate contact but don't then reject it if offered. Make a general offer such as, give us a ring and we will see you some time but leave it up to DH to arrange contact with his family. Mine was foul for 15 years, then her husband (step dad to DH) died and she is now lovely!

"It's always me that arranges visits...". Why ?

If your husband wants to visit his parents let him sort it out.

If your in laws want to visit you, let them sort it out.

If they're not brilliant at interacting with their grandchildren, that's their problem.

Great advice Hamlets. Mine was terrible for 20 years, then SHE died and now she's lovely.

Yep invite them to yours, but don't put yourself out, hnd the phone to DH & disengage. She sounds like hard work.

I have a friend with a MIL like this, bes thing she ever did was get a caller display handset phone. If her Dh is in & feeling up to it HE deals with his mother. Friend still has texts & emails to deal with but feel she can cope with/ignore them until in the right frame of mind to cope or forwards them to DH!

She used to really like me but seems to have recently turned and I don't understand why. If it wasn't for me there'd be little contact, no pictures from dc, no birthday cards and presents etc. I'm supporting dh through paying off debts and doing everything for the Kids so he can have the career he wants meaning I have to wait longer to fulfill my potential yet she seems to resent me. I want the dc to have a relationship with them as I don't have parents but don't think the stilted atmosphere is good for them. She was bragging about elder dcs achievements to a friend while we were there and I felt like pointing out that I raised her alone so perhaps I wasn't doing the terrible overbearing job she seems to think I'm doing with 14 month old.

Over The Fields...that was my experience too.

Your husband sounds awful! Debts, doesn't help with his children, doesn't make any effort with his family, oh and doesn't see his own child. What a catch.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Dh thinks she's great and laps up the hero treatment. For example, the day before we'd visited he'd been at work. Granted, it's a 12 hour shift but in that 12 hours he did 2 hours.in the gym, went to MacDonalds for.lunch, watched the grand prix and had an hours nap - hardly taxing! I'd been up all night with teething dd for a week yet still did loads of activities with the dc as wellas eeverything in the house. When we arrived she bought him beer and snacks, woke a finally sleeping dd 'so she could say hello' then complained she couldn't hear dh over her crying so took him in the other room for a rest as 'it must be hard having to deal with teething dd as well as working so hard'...!

you dont drink as oyu have a 14 month old kid?

god thats when you nEED it

OK, well first of all, they sound a right shower. She's drunk two bottles of wine, her husband's drunk half a bottle of whisky, your husband's drunk ten cans - why the hell would you want to sit with them at all? Why would you want to visit them with your children if that's what's going on? It's different if it's a party, but this was you visiting?

I wouldn't arrange any visits. I wouldn't even go on any visits. I'd send my husband on his own; if he wants to take your DC he has to agree not to drink. He doesn't seem capable of moderating what he drinks.

Secondly, your husband sounds awful. Really, really awful. He's not seen his child for two years! That alone would do it for me. If my ex stopped me from seeing my children, I'd be at the court the next day.

You are paying off his debts AND you've put your career on the back burner while he goes after his own career? Why would you do that?

He's been brought up to think he's a little prince, hasn't he? And you are perpetuating that myth, I'm afraid.

And just as an aside - how much does he normally spend on drink? Has it occurred to him to put that money towards his debt?

I wouldn't put any effort into seeing her. I dont see how spending time with her is going to benefit your dc if all she does is get pissed and put you down. I'd also tell her she can have her precious son back, permanently.
No, you're not being petty.

Hi wearyandweepy,
Absolutely stop making the effort...it can be thought of as an executive decision. Life is just too short to put up with being stabbed at like this and the boundary is entirely justified (although you do not owe anyone an explanation for your management adjustment). Thinking of the circumstance in this sort of business nomenclature can help with emotional detachment...it is what it is. I like to recall what Mary Poppins said: "...don't complain and don't explain."

Dh is the official ambassador to his family. (I am also without parents.)
For years I would hand the phone directly over to dh, then one day (I think we'd been married 17 yrs at that point) dh handed it back and said fil wanted to talk to me...(wtf, so I do exist?)...he asked me the dc's shoe sizes. That's all, put dh back on.

Also, well done on choosing to stay sober for your lo. I do that too.

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway LOL, thanks for that.

Not only would I not make the slightest effort, I would also stop making the strenuous efforts you're making with your DH - what's he doing to be supportive of you in the face of this awful MIL?

PMSL at this: " Mine was terrible for 20 years, then SHE died and now she's lovely."

Dead people are sometimes so much more restful than lives ones, aren't they?

I also agree with the other posters who believe it may be a good idea to reacess your relationship with dh, sorry.

Agree with Overthefieldsandfaraway.

I have a similar relationship with my now deceased MIL

she once said at a family do, in front of everyone, "I don't think MrsRD likes me".

I said " no I don't actually".

That shut her up.

Forget the MIL - ditch the husband and solve your problems!

She sounds a cow. I agree with the others - let your h make the effort and tell him not to drink so much

Mine dearly departed MIL didn't believe I was good enough for her darling son ( whereas I thought he'd done rather well for himself...lol) oh how I laughed at that one, she just didn't know when she was beaten. Old Trog. Once told me it would be lovely if I died in a tragic car accident and she got to look after my kids!!!!! I replied, It will be lovely when she pops her clogs and I get to spend all her lovely money. Over the fields 1 - old Trog 0.

You are paying off his debts AND you've put your career on the back burner while he goes after his own career? Why would you do that?

He's been brought up to think he's a little prince, hasn't he? And you are perpetuating that myth, I'm afraid.

This. This, a thousand times. I suspect she liked you before you had a baby with him because you babied him. Now, you don't have time nor energy and he will be whining to her about how hard it all is and how mean you are.

Your MIL is so not your problem. It's the lump you married who is.

Imperial - that isn't an unusual amount for PIL to have drank - they drink a lot regularly. I think by the end of the evening she'd had 3.5 bottles to herself. Dh was only drinking small bottles of beer so probably only equated to four pints at most. PIL are meant to be babysitting for the first time next month but I'm uneasy as it's at their house so they'll probably be drinking. Last summer mil dropped my elder child when drunk but blamed her weak wrists. I feel like I'm going to have to tell dh I don't feel comfortable with them babysitting but he's already asked so it isn't going to go down well and I'll be accused of hogging dd again no doubt.

Why on earth have you agreed to a drunkard with form for dropping children to babysit? Most of us would have weak wrists after 3 bottles of wine!

I didn't agree. Dh has a work thing which he told me about and had already asked mil to babysit. She drinks that much regularly so isn't as affected as I might be (I'd probably be unconscious) but I don't think it shows much self restraint to drink that much on just a regular evening at home. Luckily elder dd was 4 when she dropped her and not hurt (but upset) but younger dd would be hurt if it happened again. Also she's usually breastfed to sleep so likely to be difficult to settle which makes me worry about mil falling asleep on the sofa with her if she's had a drink.