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Original poster

DP touching me intimately whilst he's awake and I'm asleep- not sure how I feel about it

117 replies

afterahurricanecomesarainbow · 02/08/2013 00:08

Have NCed. This is something that's started in the last couple of weeks, DP and I have been together 3 years but separated for a couple of months recently- unrelated to this. He is doing it consciously. He has stopped on the occasions I've asked him to but there have been times I've been half asleep and not really with it. I'm conscious we both want to make this work this time and I don't want to create a huge fuss over nothing if I'm just being very uptight. Not sure if I'm being funny about this or not.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 18:37

GTBT are you aware that since the 1990's, men are no longer allowed by law to sexually assault women who also happen to be their wife ?

Just because you you have agreed certain practices with your husband, it doesn't mean that everyone else should automatically go along with it

Think carefully about what you are saying

Lucylloyd13 · 02/08/2013 18:47

I do not think this is simple.
I love my husband and have no problem with being intimately touched when asleep. If i am in the mood I will do it to him too.

It just may be that this sort of play is not for you, you just have to decide whether or not it is a deal-breaker.

Or maybe you don?t have the ease of relationship that makes it okay, in which case it is about something more than this?

When you love someone, are at ease with yourself, and partner, being eased out of sleep by sexual arousal can be quite wonderful, a real gift.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 02/08/2013 19:04

"are you aware that since the 1990's, men are no longer allowed by law to sexually assault women who also happen to be their wife ?"

I thought assault of any kind was always illegal.

OP will no doubt do what she wants. She was asking if she was being uptight about it, was told "this is abuse" and I gave my opinion, that he was probably just trying to be romantic.

I cant see how her husband did anything wrong (assuming she didn't tell him no, not ever) but the crazies on here have got him pegged as a dangerous man.

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 19:06

before the 1990's men were legally allowed to rape their wives

the concept of "marital rape" was on ethat did not exit on the statute books

it's a scary thought because 1) that is not very long ago at all 2) the idea is apparently still not filtering down to some people and I include you in that

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 19:06

*exist

GoodTouchBadTouch · 02/08/2013 19:13

Well, I suppose it depends on how you define rape. "rape" to me implies some degree of violence and/or force, which is of course illegal

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 19:17

Then you need to educate yourself

GoodTouchBadTouch · 02/08/2013 19:20

I assume you are saying that I am regularly raped by my husband?

In your opinion he is a dangerous man and should be locked up then?

I cant help thinking that is completely bonkers. Why should he have to wake me up to ask just incase I call the police? Am I misunderstanding the idea of surprise sex?

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 19:26

I didn't say that, please engage your brain. I am saying, as others have, that you are projecting the fact that it is ok in your relationship for your husband to make sexual overtures as you sleep

Some people do not welcome them, and if they make it clear they don't and their partner persists, then they are being assaulted

Is it such a difficult concept to understand, that it isn't actually all about you ?

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 19:27

GTBT, do you think rape always requires violence/excessive force ?

You can't think of any situations at all where that may not be the case ? You are quite limited in your thinking, aren't you ?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 02/08/2013 19:28

Rape means sexual intercourse without consent. If a woman says to her husband 'I don't want you to touch me sexually when I am asleep' and he does exactly that, then he has assaulted her. If he manages to penetrate her before she wakes up then he has raped her. It's very simple.
We all have acceptable limits in our sexual lives. When you have told a partner 'no' to one practice (to take your example of anal) and he intentionally does it when you are unable to consent (asleep) then that is a deliberate act of assault because it is acting sexually without consent.

ICBINEG · 02/08/2013 19:29

GTBT wow...I mean..wow....seriously?

Consent is everything. If your DH knows you like being woken up that way then there is no problem.

If your DH knows you don't want to be woken up that way and carries on doing it then there is a massive problem as he is assaulting you.

Consent if everything.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 02/08/2013 19:29

And you, good touch, have obviously agreed with your husband that it is acceptable to wake you up with sexual contact. So it's not assault if he does it. But that's your boundary. Others are different to you. OP has made it clear she does not consent to this.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 02/08/2013 19:35

Pretty sure I read upthread that my husband is a rapist for touching me whilst asleep. That was aimed at me.

Re. OP, like Ive said before I replied on the assumption that she has said no one day, so he tried again another day. OP hasn't said either way if she told him "not tonight" or "not ever"

Surely its more normal to assume he is a good guy trying to do the right thing by his wife/marriage then assume (like others) that he is deliberately going against her wishes for his own pleasure?? Why would he do that when he is trying to save his marriage?? There is a very good chance he was trying to make her happy!

Why wind her up and tell her the worst case scenario without knowing the facts? Sometimes I think half the people on her have been victims of assault, their views are so skewed towards bad intentions.

BelaLugosisShed · 02/08/2013 19:35

My husband of 30 years has never, would never, deliberately touch me sexually while I was asleep - it just wouldn't occur to him to touch me without my concious consent, being touchy-feely whilst half asleep/dozing is a different matter as there is reciprocation ( even if it's just a change of position to allow easier access or a "don't - I'm tired" ).

GoodTouchBadTouch · 02/08/2013 19:39

Missed some posts, but they were all along the same lines, and yes, absolutely agree re consent. I am assuming he thought she was up for it another time.

Of course I would be livid if my husband back doored me without consent. But it doesn't sound like it in OPs case, she said she is aware they are both trying to make it work. He is going to be on his best behaiviour.. that's my take on it

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 19:41

GTBT it's great that you are looking for the good in people, fair play to you

but posting rape myths helps nobody

GoodTouchBadTouch · 02/08/2013 19:42

Bela, mine either - Ive never been woken up with PIV.. Gosh how uncomfortable. I mean, being groped awake.. you know, kissed and stroked and stuff.

Who would want to have sex with a comatose wife? Would be like a dead body.. a man would want some sort of response

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 19:48

some reading, with links, for you

MrsHoarder · 02/08/2013 19:48

Gtbt you got it. And it started with being touched in my sleep after I asked him not to. Then "missing" during sex so he anally raped me in what had been consensual sex.

Not all people are in loving respecting relationships. That some of the abusive actions are acceptable within your relationship by consent doesn't make your relationship abusive. For example a financially controlling partner might insist on doing all the accounts. My dh also insists on doing all the accounts, but isn't financially abusive because he then talks me through them and we share actual control of the money.

Basically if I'd noticed the red flags of him not being bothered about consent I could have escaped much earlier and missed a lot of pain.

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 19:51

...and this is why projecting your own functional relationship is not helpful at all

because basically you are saying "if it's ok for me, it should be ok for you"

but for some people, they don't have that agreement, and it really isn't ok

pretending everyone is able to give informed consent is short sighted, ego centric and victim-blaming

BelaLugosisShed · 02/08/2013 19:54

I didn't mention Piv Confused , I assumed OP meant he was attempting to penetrate her with his fingers.

If my DH tried "groping" me awake he'd likely get an elbow to the throat , he wouldn't enjoy me doing it to him either, we're both grumpy when tired.
Early morning foreplay for me starts with a cup of tea Wink

lissieloo · 02/08/2013 20:02

Well, I've read the first few pages and am completely unsurprised by the goady rape-myth pushing.

OP, this IS sexual assault. Its a no, unless you say yes, unless you have specified that it's always a yes. And even then you can change your mind at any time. I hope you're ok.

MNHQ
OliviaIsOffTheGinMumsnet · 02/08/2013 20:39

Evening
First of all, sorry to hear this OP.
Wanted to post link to the We Believe You Rape Myths page
Thanks

lissieloo · 02/08/2013 20:42

Thank you Olivia. Everyone should read that link, really. Rape myths do so much damage.