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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FFS This is ridiculous!

37 replies

LucyBabs · 01/08/2013 13:20

OK I need advice, a talking to and outside perspective.

I don't even know where to start.

Dp woke me this morning before he left for work to tell me there was a possibility we had sex during the night Confused
I have no recollection of this at all.
I had a few glasses of wine before bed. I felt slightly tipsy but I remember going to bed and falling asleep.

Dp had had one small glass of wine before going to bed he was asleep long before me.

I feel awful how could I possibly not remember?
Worse still dp would know I was half pissed /half asleep why did he have sex with me!
I feel violated or something, I'm not sure because surely its just as much my fault isn't it?
I had to get the MAP this morning so that makes me feel worse.

Am I being dramatic?
Argghh I'm confused Sad

OP posts:
Dahlen · 01/08/2013 14:05

Two possibilities - either you have no memory because of an alcohol-induced blackout, or your DP is lying. Alcohol-induced blackouts are rare. Snapshots of the moment usually come filtering back eventually. If you still aren't able to remember anything by the end of the week you should be asking yourself if you either have a problem with alcohol that needs addressing or whether your DP is lying to you (which begs the question why).

If you did have sex in that state, that raises some very uncomfortable questions about your DP. Technically that's rape because if you were that drunk/asleep you were incapable of consent. He could argue there was implied consent and that perhaps you were enthusiastic at the time (though I think if you had been you'd have remembered the act). Also, if he woke you up to tell you - presumably because of the need to organise contraception? - what was he doing having unprotected sex with you in the first place? And why did the fact you didn't mention contraception not alert him to the fact that you weren't in any fit state to consent?

This is a situation where context could count for a lot. How long have you been together? What's your sex life like? What's he like in the relationships generally? Have you had drunken sex before? What does he think about contraception and whose responsibility it is?

Gruntfuttocks · 01/08/2013 14:08

Maybe he just had one of those really 'real' dreams? It sounds very unlikely that anything happened that you are truly unaware of.

Original poster
LucyBabs · 01/08/2013 14:21

Thanks for your reply Dahlen..

We've been together 7 years and have two young dc

Our sex life is non existent we are going through a rough patch at the moment, we're waiting to see a counsellor as we aren't communicating. Everything is pretty shit between us to be honest

Generally he is a supportive partner great father there's never been any abuse or violence we're very average and boring.

We have in the past had many nights where we are half asleep and I wake him or vise versa but I have never forgotten we've had sex.

We usually use condoms I am getting the coil this month. Dp is way to lax with contraception it does my head in that he doesn't worry I'll get pregnant, its all on my shoulders.

He knows full well I wouldn't have sex with him without a condom we've had many arguments about it, he doesn't like condoms Hmm

So like you say either he's lying or confused or he had sex with me while i was comatose and without my consent Sad

OP posts:
Dahlen · 01/08/2013 14:28

Oh dear. That doesn't sound good. Sad

Your relationship is in crisis to the extent where you're due to see a counsellor. He doesn't take any responsibility for contraception and knows that while you're not protected via pill or coil that you would not have sex without a condom. Despite all that, he's chosen to have unprotected sex while you weren't even fully conscious. He's basically used your body for his own gratification with no regard for the potential consequences to your health and no consideration for your feelings.

I'd call that rape, but even if you didn't want to put that label on it, the best you could say was that it shows a blatant lack of respect for you or your body. You say he's not been abusive or violent, but is he grumpy? Does he do his share of the childcare and housework? Do you have equal say in how you run your lives? I'd lay money on the fact that there's a major power imbalance in this relationship.

I'm really sorry. I know this must be hard to read. Sad

Twinklestein · 01/08/2013 15:11

I think you have to rule out asap whether he had a vivid dream that he wasn't 100% sure wasn't real.

The alternative is grim.

If woke he you up to warn you you might have had sex, he could have woken you up to warn you you were about to have sex...

I don't really see how any of this is "your fault".

Twinklestein · 01/08/2013 15:13

Ime it's possible to have little memory of what happened the night before, but you have to be really, really smashed.

And, even then, you can remember bits, and you keep remembering bits through the day...

Gruntfuttock · 01/08/2013 15:43

He only said that there was a possibility you had sex and I think it's highly unlikely that you did. He probably had a dream and got confused.

Nirvana79 · 01/08/2013 15:50

I'd say the chances of sleeping through it are quite slim. Without sounding crude, was there any evidence he had ejaculated iyswim?

On the other hand the fact he said you did have sex is a bit worrying as he must have known you were sleeping surely.

Gruntfuttock · 01/08/2013 15:52

I'm sure you would have woken up if it had really happened.

runningonwillpower · 01/08/2013 15:57

Why would your husband wake you up to tell you he 'thinks' you had sex? Mine tends to assume I already knew.

Wouldn't you have to be really drunk to have absolutely no memory of it? A bit tipsy is not the same as comatose. And isn't there normally some aftersign? If not a used condom, a wet patch?

I'm tending to the vivid dream explanation but perhaps you need to talk a bit more about this.

maddy68 · 01/08/2013 16:00

Do you think he was fantasising?
Or maybe he was annoyed because you were pissed and your sex life is non existent. And he said it to provoke a reaction?
E.g. Start thinking about sex?

Gruntfuttock · 01/08/2013 16:01

Mind you, there might be a wet patch because he had a wet dream.

Vivacia · 01/08/2013 16:42

If you had sex without a condom, could you not tell this morning?

Is the implication that you were so drunk you were unconscious but he wasn't at all drunk and knowingly took advantage?

Vivacia · 01/08/2013 16:44

Read the first post again. Sounds like a mixture of wishful thinking/fantasy/confusion on his part.

I don't think I'd want to share a room, let alone a bed, with some suggesting such things just to cause distress.

CinnabarRed · 01/08/2013 17:16

What on earth did he mean when he said there was a possibility that you had sex? Doesn't he know?

There are several possible interpretations of his statement:

  • he does know full well you had sex but that you weren't in a position to consent zo is muddying the waters
  • he does know full well you had sex and this is his way of breaking it to you gently Confused
  • he knows you didn't have sex but is playing wierd mind games with you
  • he genuinely doesn't know whether you had sex or whether he had an unusually vivid dream

Which do you think it was?

BatwingsAndButterflies · 01/08/2013 17:49

Do you feel like you had sex? Any soreness or excessive moisture? Any patches on the sheets?

CailinDana · 01/08/2013 18:06

An ex was pressuring me to have sex without a condom as he didn't like them. I refused and went to sleep. I hadn't been drinking but he still managed to get my pyjama trousers off and start raping me. He couldn't understand what i was upset about.

It is entirely possible he raped you as you slept. Do you think that's what happened?

Ps my ex was a"good guy" and a model bf up to that point. I dumped him the next day.

Original poster
LucyBabs · 02/08/2013 00:57

Thank you for all your replies..

Myself and dp had a long chat tonight
So it seems he was half asleep and didn't realise I was half pissed/comatose. He's still not sure if we actually had sex Confused

He remembers kissing and then touching me.

There was no evidence we had sex but even on a "normal" night when I've been on the pill there wouldn't be much to suggest we've had sex. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway seems we have definitely reached the end of our relationship.

I told him I feel violated and that if he remembers kissing and touching then he certainly knows if we had sex.

I agree he doesn't have much respect for me or my body. I could of been anyone lying beside him he just wanted to get his end away.

He actually said "well we don't ever have sex" Like it was OK to go ahead when I couldn't consent.

I told him he must of come on to me not the other way round. He then asked if I thought he'd raped me.

Uugghh what a mess I really thought counselling could help us, now I just want out of this relationship.

Also I do know I need to cut back on alcohol.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/08/2013 01:06

He actually said "well we don't ever have sex" Like it was OK to go ahead when I couldn't consent. Shock

I'm really sorry OP. I would dump him too.

You're incapable of consent if you're asleep. I think you might mention that if he carries like that on he might end up in police custody...

Original poster
LucyBabs · 02/08/2013 01:12

Thanks twinkle

It seems that because I didn't actually say no then I was more than willing.

It easy for him he can just claim he has no memory.

Its not the first time he has said he can't remember something he has said or done (nothing as serious as this) Its a get out of jail free card isn't it?!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/08/2013 01:19

How can you say no if you're asleep?

He had enough memory of it to warn you that you 'might' have had sex...

Euuch good riddance.

TheSilverySoothsayer · 02/08/2013 01:24

I did see a programme about sleep disorders some months ago which featured a man who did have sex - or at least attempted to - while asleep.

Having said that, from your other posts it seems this is not a likely explanation for what happened.

Dahlen · 02/08/2013 07:26

I'm really sorry Lucy. That must hurt. Keep posting for support if you need help to get him out and keep him away.

ClassyAsALannister · 02/08/2013 07:33

Sounds like he bloody knows you had sex in that state and only told you in case you realized from any signs of sex in the morning.

This would be it for me. He almost certainly knew what he was doing...The 'we never has sex' line shows it.

Sorry op . I know from experience how violated & icky it can feel, even if you don't consider it rape (I do) Thanks

CailinDana · 02/08/2013 07:49

So sorry lucy :(
The fact that my ex couldn't see anything wrong with what he'd done was the worst part of it for me. It was shocking to learn how entitled he felt.
How are you feeling?

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