How long did you stay in an abusive relationship?

[WorkingSingleMum]

I am no longer in one. I am curious to see how long other women stayed?

About 7 years. The abuse started before we married with couple of incidents of verbal stuff and one episode of being pushed up against a wall. Felt sorry for him because he was depressed at times and remorseful. Got married and things ok but it was always about him and his problems, one being because he said his mother was remote. Got pregnant and he was ok, still all about him though. I had a baby and within 6 weeks his true vile nature emerged. Just over a year of verbal and physical assaults I left. 14 years on I am absolutely delighted that I did. I left because I didn't want my children to be terrified by him.

I stayed for 14 years, red flags all over the place for four years (jealousy, neediness, one instance of verbal abuse) then disintegrated once the first of our two children came along. He seemed to feel he had nothing to give them, and continued to feel them a burden if, say, I worked at the weekend it would seem a big restriction on his life that I might not be in the house of a weekend (both kids are fairly easy to look after, they are 8 and 10) even though his loves them. I would say losing my mum immediately before becoming a parent and being the first among my friends to give birth meant I had no yard stick, lost my emotional compass, allowing the unhealthiness to become embedded: I simply felt I needed to 'try harder' all the time.

I'm the sort of person who has an optimistic 'can do' attitude, with a committed and involved attitude to my kids, an independent social life, hobby, and a career I love (and retrained for when the kids were young). I get pleasure from the simple things in life, like kids running around and playing with their toys. Hubby cannot operate on this level and I think this has caused him to see the faults in himself and project his feelings against me and he was completely unable to be happy in our marriage and family life on a fundamental level. There was always a huge disconnect between the person he was trying (and projecting himself to be outwardly and in public) to be, and the person he is on the inside.

We separated five weeks ago. I feel amazing but the odd wave of immense grief and sadness. He was never fundamentally happy, so I have to keep reminding myself of that when the sadness and guilt creeps in on my part.

About a week, once I realised it was emotional abuse. I spent 2 years, plus marriage counselling trying to "fix" things but no matter how hard I tried the goal posts kept moving and he got angrier. I was browsing on this site looking to see if anyone else had experienced it (he had me so convinced I had mental health issues I was on anti depressants for a while but still nothing changed) and someone (thankyou, whoever it was) recommended lundy bancroft's book. Iordered it, read it, a light bulb went on in my head, I read it again with a highlighter in my hand so I could see I wasnt exaggerating to myself. Half the book turned pink. I drove to my parents and showed them. They agreed instantly to help me. I'm currently in the process of organising a divorce. I feel so liberated!

Difficult for me to define when it stopped being a miserable relationship and started being an abusive one. It was well over a year, I do know that.

About 3 years in total, though the first 6 months were great.

Fourteen l

Slippery, you're so right. Outwardly my stbxh is charming, full of bon homie, thinks of himself as a good-timer but inside he is angry, twisted and miserable. Something very wrong there.

Whoops - fourteen long years, nine of them married, six of them after he broke my nose and ribs. Youth/low self-esteem/a propensity to try to fix people kept me there. I'll never forget the absolute euphoria of leaving and wish I'd done so ooh, about thirteen and a half years earlier.

15 years

OP

Are you looking back and wondering WTF you stayed?

Just wondering as I do this, a lot.

Blimey, Fingerbob. How did he manage to convince you that you deserved to be assaulted and that that is what normally happens in marriages? What a horrible thing to have happened :(

10 years. I wish I had Mumsnet back then. I didn't know it was abusive, because I had never heard of emotional abuse. It was only violent a few times, but then it wasn't real violence because he never actually hit me .... right! Of course, it's normal for a man to physically grab your crotch when you return from a night out with friends, so he can feel to see if you've been having sex with anyone ... I'm an intelligent woman, how could I have been THAT stupid.

But we live and learn, become older and less tolerant. And I now have a fantastic OH, one who is gentle, kind, supportive, so there are good men out there.

Totally agree, world. If not for mumsnet I'd still be trying, blaming myself, accepting more crap and wondering why, after all that, he STILL didnt like me.

About 6 years. Another one saved by MN and Lundy.

I was very unhappy and would post intermittently about stuff and one time I was describing how ex had got irritated with me while going down a flight of stairs on the tube with ds in his buggy, him at the top, me at the bottom, ex sped up and was going so fast that I could barely keep hold of the buggy and keep on my feet. Someone on here, can't remember who but I wish I could said "so your husband tried to push you down a flight of stairs using your child's buggy?". It was a lightbulb moment, instead of thinking oh he's just irritable, I wind him up, someone was saying your 'D'H is so hateful towards you that he is actively trying to cause you harm. They recommended Lundy and my heart was pounding when I read it, ex was on every page. Another lovely poster told her DH who was a solicitor and he was so that he told her to get me to email him for free legal advice, I am actually choked up thinking about that kindness now. I didn't do it though, I wasn't ready, too scared of him.

I honestly believed it was me, all my fault, I was a nag, I had trapped him into marriage, he was so unhappy he couldn't help drinking 5 pints a night and disappearing for 5 days at a time without so much as a phone call.

A truly abusive man won't let go easily though that's why it makes me angry when vulnerable women get harangued about leaving and how by staying they're damaging their kids, yes they DO need to know that but say it gently, they can't take any more anger and irritation in their lives.

Isn't it frightening what we end up accepting, Sparkly? I don't know how many times I've thought "I'd never say/do that to you" but i still thought I was just being demanding. I didnt even begin to suspect until 3 neighbours approached me separately over about 6 weeks to ask if I was ok as they didnt like they way theyd seen him behave towards / speak to me. Even that didnt do it. I just felt humiliated that theyd seen.

Did anyone else get the "IT WASN'T THAT BAD/HARD"?

The relationship lasted ten years. In that time he drove drunk and killed another driver, with me and DD1 in the car, he broke my wrist, he broke my collar bone, he abused me physically and verbally on pretty much a daily basis.

Conditioned to believe that I was lucky that somebody loved me (yes, I actually thought at one point that he loved me), I drove myself to a breakdown trying to fix this relationship that was never a relationship in the first place.

I now understand that he may have wanted to have a relationship, but his alcoholism and drug addiction meant that he could only keep it together for a limited amount of time. He swept me off my feet and within a year we were living together, I was pregnant and just beginning to realise what I was trying to deal with.

I was with ex H for 19 years. The emotional abuse was few and far between to start - maybe just 2-4 outbursts a year but it gradually ramped up to much more frequent until after dd was born 4 years ago it went through the roof, settled briefly, then I became pregnant with DTs and it reached another level. I was never physically assaulted but I was threatened once and he hurt all 3 children on separate occasions - never enough to cause serious harm, but it still happened. I was gradually conditioned over the years to think it was normal to live on eggshells and have things thrown around when he was angry and to drink 2-3 bottles of wine a night (him not me!). He moved out just over 3 months ago, we have yet to have a conversation about this separation being permanent but I am so glad he has gone. I would say I was also saved by mumsnet and Lundy big thanks to everyone who advised me (even though it took a year and I know some of you despaired at times!)

5yrs,there was red flags from the start but I imagine being only a teenager and lack of life experience contributed to my not having any set boundaries or have ideas of what a real healthy relationship was supposed to be like.
I knew he treated me badly yet I stayed and then I found net mums and I saw the light( didn't know it was domestic/emotional abuse)
Left about a year after the lightbulb moment ,he turned to being physically aggressive plus another event that happened costing my job doubting I could get another whilst with him,was the last straw.work was my life line.

Iv since read Lundy Bancroft and lurked on here in for the past year
Only recently joining.
I probably wouldn't have seen the light if it hadn't been for the h.v recommending netmums on her home visit.

Just under three years, from age 16-18. Some very long relationships here . I left when I got pg with DD, it was the trigger for me to leave as I knew I couldn't bring her into a family like that. Looking back, I'm glad that I left fairly early on and didn't have to worry about so many practical/legal matters - we weren't married and just rented a room, and DD wasn't born yet so didn't have to find a new home with a child. Psychologically it was hard to leave, but in practical terms it simply meant packing a few bags and taking a bus out of town (I didn't tell him I was leaving, he would have gone mental, so I just didn't return home one day).

It was my first relationship and I had a low self esteem, I'd had problems with depression long before the relationship started and he preyed on my vulnerability. Looking back, there were red flags right from the start. I'm pleased to say that Dd is 15 now, she's never known him so has never had to tolerate his abuse, and I've not had any further abusive relationships. I had a few relationships going nowhere in the seven years or so afterwards, not the right men for me but still overall decent blokes, and then met DH a few years ago who is a great husband and stepfather to Dd.

Just under 18 months. I think my instincts were telling me something wasn't right from the first time he shouted at me for something inconsequential. I can't remember what I read that made me realise that things weren't right, but I came on here and found the 'Support for... ' thread and that was it, a true lightbulb moment.

He was my first long-term relationship after many years of unhappy singledom and I was so desperate for the relationship not to fail that I put up with his appalling behaviour (including many taunts about my lack of relationship experience). He was an education, I'll give him that, but he was also an utter cunt, if you'll pardon my language.

I have never, EVER, regretted our split.

13 yrs with ex husband, although did not realise why i was so depressed, again convinced me of MH issues and recently 2 yrs with another, although both v different personalities. I had the strength to walk away earlier 2nd time. V hard. Ironically, the effects of them both have left me with anxiety and depression now :-( I have been bullied basically, 2nd time involved pinning me to the bed, both were controlling.. I am so dissapointed :-( and not sure how i will ever trust again. seriously.

Over 15 years. The first punch was delivered before we were married. Still working on working it all out. So many 'why's'

lackedpf..
hard isnt it, the whys... i go around in circles torturing and blaming myself.. exh moved on (and still bullies and is angry!) not sure about recent partner, last saw him about a month ago.. but why why why.. what did i do wrong, did i deserve it.. etc.