How long did you stay in an abusive relationship?

[WorkingSingleMum]

I am no longer in one. I am curious to see how long other women stayed?

A year. He wasn't violent but he really loved messing with my head. He'd tell me that I hadn't told him things that I had, questioned everything I said and generally made me feel awful.

Thankfully my mum saw through him and I listened to her. Best thing I ever did.

21 years.... been out 15 years now. At that time, anyone I talked to minimized what he'd been doing: "He's unemployed, of course he's unhappy" or "you have to understand men react differently than women do" etc. etc. ALWAYS. I got depressed in the end, and saw how the Cs were affected, so I finally left. Feel much happier now and love having my own space. Will not ever marry again; boyfriend OK, not husband.

First one 2 years, second 3 years.

I had no self esteem at all and thought I deserved no better.

My 'D'M at the time told me it wasn't bad, she also tells people that I have lied about both of them, despite 'D'P1 being arrested for assaulting me and me getting a restraining order against him. He has thus far been violent to every single woman he has had a relationship with, apart from his present wife. 'D'H stole huge sums of money and jewelry from various members of my family, he broke my collar bone and fingers, locked me and the children into a flat with no fire escape when he went out, pushed me down the stairs to try and make me miscarry, but it still wasn't 'that bad' according to 'D'M.

I'm really sorry you have been told that it wasn't that bad, it almost feels like you're being abused all over again, doesn't it ?

We were together for 13 years, but I can't put my finger on when I knew it was abusive... from the start probably.

The first 'violence', which doesn't even sound like it was when I was pregnant, so nearly 3yrs in and he threw eggs at me. But before that he was funny about me going out/wearing certain clothes he deemed to be 'on the pull' clothes. I just thought it was because he loved me so much...

I left him briefly at 5 years, like, for a night, then he convinced me a second baby would sort everything, as would me giving up my well paid job. It obviously did not.

I caught him setting up meetings on swingers sites for sex a few years after that, kicked him out, for a night. Took him back. God, I wish I had had MN. I could have been free and clear long ago.

There we many, many more incidents, weekly even. It was exhausting lurching from drama to drama, I think I was often to tired to even think about what was going on.

However I DID find MN, and have been out 2 years, will get the absolute in a week or so, and there will be But I can't help but wish I had done it sooner.

It's good to hear stories of others who got out too.

18 months

about 6 years I think. Married for 9 and think the abuse really started when DC was born . First post on MN - under a different name - in Nov. 2005.

This www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1018038-to-think-this-just-might-be-the-last-straw. was the last. I never did take the arse back and divorced him quick smart

dc3 that should say

15 years

25 years (but I was brought up Catholic and thought it was a life sentence)

6 years, but to be fair the abuse only began once I became pregnant and I left shortly afterwards. Looking back, there were red flags beforehand, but because I never altered my behaviour, was never financially dependent on him, and wasn't actually scared or apprehensive in any way, it never crossed the line into abuse until I became vulnerable when pregnant.

One of the main things preventing women from leaving is that they don't recognise that it's abuse. Rarely does it start with a punch. By the time that punch is thrown, your line in the sand has been redrawn so many times you really don't see it the way outsiders do.

About 7 years if I count the first day of the relationship. He didn't call me names or hit me on day one obviously but he was fairly unsupportive fairly early on....

I have looked at my past so much since I left him. I was put in the bottom stream at school and so felt branded stupid. Then my first bf was gay, so I felt undesirable. (although that gay bf was a nice guy) then I was sacked from a job and they tricked me into resigning. It was awful. Then I had a bf who treated me well when I was with him but when he fancied pastures new he dumped with a ridiculous character assassination to make himself feel good about dumping me. So, I felt stupid, undesirable, bad and worthless when I met my abusive x. It wouldn't happen again I can tell you. It's dreadful how a series of events can damage you. ONe I could have bounced back from, but I felt deafened by the cacophony of messages I was receiving from the outside world that I was bad, worthless, stupid, undesirable...

Have read Lundy's book. It's excellent. Also had counselling, psychotherapy and now I'm looking at ways to raise my self-esteem. Although I would never ever repeat the same mistakes. I still want to raise my self-esteem.

Yvb, thank you. The 'actual' violence happened once, and I was very open about it, and he got counselling, although it was for alcohol abuse rather than depression/anger etc, and I honestly thought I took him back 'on my own terms' etc etc - but I should have slung him instantly and would always now say that to anyone in those circumstances. It took his own suicide attempt, and my subsequent therapy (which of course he wouldn't do) to realise that I needed to get out. But even then, it took meeting someone else to allow me to think that perhaps I could have a different life. For such a long time I believed I didn't deserve anything else. Plus I had made a promise (in marriage) and I can be stubborn to the point of idiocy, apparently .

Ha, Fingerbobs! I'm a fellow stubborn idiot! Although I prefer to see it as thoroughly decent and not one to break a commitment. Is hard, isn't it? Until this week I have felt so guilty about my decision to get divorced. I had to know absolutely and finally that I couldn't have tried any harder. Funnily enough I feel fine now ;)

Good luck! I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. The hardest thing is not to beat yourself up that you stayed so long - but as you say, those reasons are often positive things about you. I tried my very best and eventually realised that nothing I could do would change the reality, that he was a very unhappy person. And that I could be, and wanted to be, a happy person. Without him. And I am! Huzzah!

Thankyou for sharing I know its not easy. Its great to see that no matter how long you still found the strenghth to leave.

Stay kind to yourselves :)