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Original poster

He still comes home....

32 replies

twoofakind · 31/07/2013 17:09

My husband separated with me 2 weeks ago, since then he is staying with his sister but still comes home now and again for his tea and to see the kids put them to bed etc, then he goes again. I want him to see as much as the kids as possible and visa versa, and we are still friendly so don't mind cooking him his tea....We separated cause he said he doesn't love me anymore, i suffer from depression and I think thats took his toll on him, even though im now getting help for it and feeling alot better.

Anyway my question is, he says he needs time to fix his head and get away from me, but how can he do this when hes still coming here now and again, he isnt getting that chance to see what its REALLY going to be like without me and the kids full time.

Hes adament he isnt going to get back with me but I really am hoping once I get over this depression he will see a differant me and fall in love with me again....i just dont know what to do!!??? xx

OP posts:
OrmirianResurgam · 31/07/2013 17:15

I agree with you. He made his choice he needs to live with it.

Ezio · 31/07/2013 17:17

Yeah, hes still getting the benefits of a family, without actually having to stay.

He says he wants to get away from you, but is still around all the time, i think its you that needs to get away from him.

Jan45 · 31/07/2013 17:19

If I was you I'd concentrate on getting your head round that it is over, are you sure nobody else is involved?

Even so, you have to try and move on, he's going to be in the kids life for quite some time, that doesn't mean he hasn't or isn't moving on. Sorry, he sounds pretty adament to me, it will take time, but you will get there. Men can be very indecisive but he sounds pretty sure he doesn't want to reconcile, I'd accept that as being the truth.

Well done on both of you for keeping it amicable.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/07/2013 17:19

It is good that you still amicable but he is raising your hopes isn't he. I understand you are keen to let the children see him but why can he not take them out or to his sister's? How old are they, how have you explained to them about Dad not living under the same roof now yet popping round?

You didn't get depression on purpose to annoy him. I am glad you are getting help now but are you sure the strain of recovering your good health is very helpful to you? I would have thought it was extra pressure.

I hope I am not pouring cold water on your hopes but guard against getting hurt.

GetStuffezd · 31/07/2013 17:20

Please, please, please stop cooking his tea. It just tells him he can come and play happy families for a few hours each night then piss off back to being single and carefree.
If he doesn't love you at your low points, why would you want him near you when you when you're on the up?

Original poster
twoofakind · 31/07/2013 17:27

my kids are both under 3 so too young to understand fully yet...xx

OP posts:
Ezio · 31/07/2013 17:32

Two, i said this a while back on another thread and its true,

If a man cant take me at my worst, then he doesnt deserve to see me at my best

Rinse and repeat.

Original poster
twoofakind · 31/07/2013 17:56

Good words Ezio..thanks...xx

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 31/07/2013 18:18

This is the life he has chosen - so slam the door shut behind him. You have to take him at his word that it's over, that's your first task. Anything else is a one-way ticket to madness.

Definitely stop cooking the cheeky fucker's tea! And don't feel you have to be "friendly" either if you don't feel like it. He's just blown your world apart. Civil and cool is just fine.

You need to put the DC contact arrangements on a formal footing - he can't just waltz in and out of your household, it's not fair on you and it's not fair on the kids. He sees them OUT of your house and handovers are on the doorstep. He needs to prioritise getting himself sorted with a place with room for them to stay. I trust he has moved his stuff out?

bexlar · 31/07/2013 21:12

Hi,I completely sympathise with your situation.i too suffer with depression and constantly worry how this affects my husband and our relationship which doesn't help my anxiety.im glad you are getting help for the depression but in order for you to work on yourself I think you and your husband need some clear boundaries and a timetable with the kids and use the time he has the kids to work on you.you will feel much better and clearer in your mind x

honeysmummy1 · 31/07/2013 21:48

I can't help but find it sad that hes basicly left you when you need him the most. What ever happened to wedding vows these days?
By coming round every night he is basicly getting all the good parts of been a dad and not even having to cook his own tea! A wife without the baggage!
Feck that. Sure he can still see the kids and you can remain friendly without having him in your house every night, getting his tea cooked . He made a decision to break up, then break up! Show him you are strong, show him what hes missing! Concentrate on getting better, which will be hard I imagine with dealing with a break up when your at your lowest. You can do it! He will soon come crawling back when he realises hes not got his wife to do his washing and cook his dinner.
Decide if you really want a man who doesnt support you during illness, who can say easily that he wants the marriage to end because of an illness.

theMovedStone · 31/07/2013 22:23

Honeys you are so right
Two
Take care of yourself

He doesnt deserve you

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 22:30

eh ?

he still gets the benefits of the home fires burning, but none of the responsibility

if you really want him back (can't think why, but hey-ho) he has to experience the loss

atm, he is like a dog with 2 dicks

please find some self respect and tell him the cosy happy family playacting is over

he sees the kids out of the house, you communicate only formally about arrangements, he eats his tea somewhere else and you take advantage of the child free peace and quiet to get your head together

Overtheraenbow · 31/07/2013 22:35

I feel so sad that you are letting him do this. I would start to put down some boundaries . He is the children's father but how would it be if you just decided you wanted some ' time out' and left him to it? Hmm that's not going to happen is it because mothers don't do that ( or at least v. rarely!!)
I tried this with my stbxh being nice , amicable , maybe we can work it out if I give him some space. He sat in my kitchen playing happy families eating Xmas dinner then went off to meet OW for a weeks holiday shagfest!!

He is not showing you any respect . I hope there is no one else in your case, but I think if you have any chance of a reconciliation you need to set him some guidelines ( as he's clearly not got any in place)

Original poster
twoofakind · 31/07/2013 23:10

UPDATE! Thank you all for your words....some of em made me LOL!!! He is a little fu*ker int he!!

Anyway....i noticed tonight he'd been texting this other number none stop and I called him round to talk about it.....I asked him and he said its the woman I thought he had feelings for but he's been talking to her about his situation, she has just got a degree in pscycology, so she has been helping him.....he assured me theres nothing going on and I believe him....anyway we chatted for abit and I said im getting the help I need now over my depression and I want to make this marriage work...we talked about it and he was coming round to my way of thiniking....we got closer, cuddled and we both kissed.....and......it felt wrong!! it felt weird for the both of us! In away im upset but im also happy that it felt weird cause it has given us the answer we both needed....he wanted to try again, but I pulled away and said, its still going to be weird...lets just leave it. im happy for him to come for his tea, specially now! xx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 23:12
Confused
GetStuffezd · 31/07/2013 23:23

I'm so confused. You don't sound happy in any way whatsoever.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/07/2013 23:37

If you are satisfied with things the way they are then that's what matters. Maybe be careful not to give him mixed signals. Take care.

Original poster
twoofakind · 31/07/2013 23:39

Im happy that we kissed....but it felt weird so maybe 'we' were never meant to be....trust me im confused too!! haha xx

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 01/08/2013 00:32

This lady psychologist who's devoting so much of her time to 'helping' him - maybe she just thinks he's a really interesting case?

MadBusLady · 01/08/2013 10:31

She's his girlfriend, OP.

thistlelicker · 01/08/2013 10:35

He's a player playing both of you!! He wants to be separated then you need to act in thy way otherwise you will never get your head straight!

Jan45 · 01/08/2013 11:55

Oh look, there's an OW behind the scene, what a surprise. I don't get your comment, the kiss felt weird therefore now you don't want to reconcile?

He's playing games with you, stop making his fucken tea and do as the above has advised you, you're making it far too easy for him to have his cake and he's certainly taking the slices.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2013 11:57

Why are you happy for him to come for his tea??
He left you for another woman!!
You need to find yourself some counselling, just for you to understand why you are putting up with this.
Separate properly and stop the madness.
Are you doing his washing too?

Nirvana79 · 01/08/2013 12:21

He has you right where he wants you.

He's a cock. Why are you happy to cook his tea? It's a messed up situation. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's seeing this woman then he has you welcoming him with open arms and feeding him.

You need to arrange formal contact and start living your own life.

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