What do we do?

[EricNorthmansFangbanger]

PiL have a caravan. When they bought it they were overly enthusiastic about taking DD1 (5) and about us using it. I was heavily pregnant when they bought it and had said to DH that we would be looking at going the end of summer if at all this year. I did also mention that I would prefer if DD1 didn't go before we had at least been once and DH agreed.

PiL have been going on and on about going and taking DD1. DH said we wanted to go with her first at least and although that was acknowledged, they kept on. We don't yet drive (have my test booked in a few weeks though!) and for us to go before getting a car both MiL and FiL have to take their own cars to get us all there. For this reason alone I didn't want to go until we could go ourselves. DH had a few days booked off mid July. After already talking me round to go for a few days mid August, he mentioned about going for the weekend. I very reluctantly agreed. Two weeks before we were meant to be going MiL came up to help us with something. Whilst I was in the car she came back into the house (told me she had left the car keys inside) and started to turn on the waterworks to DH asking to take DD1 to the caravan that weekend. Her words to him were 'we never ask you for anything. Please please please.'. DH said 'we'll see' and left it at that. When I arrived back home he told me straight about it and I reiterated my stance on it. He agreed. MiL rang 2 days later and made no mention of the caravan. DH rang the following evening to sort out the logistics for the following weekend. FiL was under the impression that they were taking DD1 in a few days because MiL had told him DH had said yes. Queue much grumbling from FiL and a mini fallout. He demanded reasons why DD1 could not go with them and the reasons my DH gave were not good enough.

We did eventually end up going the weekend after to make FiL happy. I didn't enjoy it at all. DS is 5 months old and breast feeds very frequently, usually every hour but can be less, during the day from the moment he wakes until the moment he goes to sleep. He ended up going longer between feeds and I paid for it when we got home. DD2 (2) ended up totally out of sync and didn't sleep until 2.30am on the first night (we only got there at 10pm) and 11pm on the second night. She also ended up with a split lip because FiL let her run down a sloped driveway covered in stones without holding her hand. DD1 ended up being ill and FiL kept pointing out the other children running about to us and saying 'I thought DD1 would be like that'. We had to dose her with calpol as she had quite a high temperature. FiL seemed put out that we decided to not want to go back to the beach before we left for home as DD1 still was unwell, though we had gone the day before with the help of calpol. He also said to her that he wouldn't take her to see the chickens they have on the site if she didn't eat her tea. Which she didn't eat because she was feeling so unwell.

When we got back DH and I talked about the visit planned for august. I told him I didn't think we should go again until we had our own car. I also said that I'd like to go a few more times with DD1 before she goes without us. DH agreed with this but said to reconsider us going again in August. He rang PiL last week and MiL put FiL on. He talked about taking DD1 next weekend and he has pretty much ended up agreeing (without saying yes) because, as he said when he got off the phone, he cannot say no to his dad. I have two issues with this. One is that we agreed to wait until next year before she went without us, after we had been a few more times with her. Two is that them taking her would coincide with the fortnight DH has booked off work. He told me that DD1 wouldn't be going anywhere if those weeks so to make sure my parents have her stay over before then. He is now considering letting PiL just take DD1 to keep the peace. I have said no. The trouble is, as soon as he says no then FiL will go into a strop and demand reasons why. It will also mean that we will definitely be unable to go the week and a bit after.

I have kept my mouth shut with regards to any caravan talk as I didn't even want us to go this year. I am not keen to visit again with PiL, it's too cramped and is so far removed from being anything like a holiday. DH has still not rang PiL to tell them about not taking DD1, in fear of the impending kick off. I do not feel I can speak to FiL properly due to past history (I.e. telling DH to not marry me 6 weeks before the wedding). There have been problems with PiL since I fell unexpectedly pregnant with DD1. We told MiL when I was 14 weeks pregnant and she forebade DH to tell FiL until she thought it was the best time...which was when I was almost 8 months pregnant. She pretended she didn't know when DH told them both together and DH just went along with it. She does this a lot, keeping things from people/playing people off/turning on the waterworks when she has done wrong. I've told DH I am not willing to put up with it anymore.

What do we do? I don't think we should have to just do something to make them happy otherwise FiL will fall out with us. DH doesn't want the hassle of an argument, which is why we ended up going the caravan the other week. It's 3 hours drive away, we don't drive and can't get there easily if there was a problem for DD1, as well as the other reasons we have. I must stress, if it were my parents then the answer would be exactly the same! Am I being to harsh?

TIA

Looks like it's all about you from my interpretation of it.
I'm not trying to be rude - I'm just calling it as I see it.
You reel off this list of 'reasons' to explain your stance, but none of them amount to anything tangible. They're all whiney and insubtantial reasons that centre around your need to control everybody else's relationships with each other.

I don't see how I'm being controlling? I'm genuinely asking advice about it. I've always encouraged a relationship between PiL and DC regardless of whatever has come between us, though they have clouded my view which is why I've asked what we should do. I will admit after reading replies that I'm being too anxious about it all. I gave other information as a background to how PiL can be.

Becool - yes you are right, I will probably always feel anxious about something. I will talk to DH later about her going with them for the weekend then.

I don't like caravans very much either so I sympathise there. What's the point going to a cramped little place. Can't see it myself. Anyway that's beside the point. Your il's want to take your DD and you don't want them to. Is it because you think it's unsafe. Lots of grandparents do take their GC's away for weekends and longer. I do agree that it seems to be more about you and what you want that it does about what your DP wants. And if your DD wants to go. Sometimes compromises have to be made.

TBH Op you sound precious as fuck.
Your PIL probably dreamt to having the opportunity to spend quality time with their GC at their caravan when they bought it and you've put the block on that for no good reason. It sounds like when you went you were determined to not enjoy it.
You don't even fucking drive and yet said your DD couldn't go until you drove her there yourself -WHY??
Get over yourself! I bet your DD would love to go and spend weekends with her DGP.

You don't like it, chances are that dd1 loves it. So let her go and stay at home.

I've no idea what the issue is?

I went to the caravan with an open mind actually, Sir. I tried to have fun but it ended up being a lot of hard work. Regardless of that, my DH was the one who originally wanted to go as a family first before she went with PiL. The reason I thought we should wait until either of us could drive was due to not wanting PiL to have to drive us all there and take both their cars so we could go?

What I find odd is you say you went with an open mind and then list lots of silly things that happen every day of the week to most people and aren't really a big deal.
Yes caravan holidays are to some extent hard work but your PIL are dying to take your DD for a weekend which would give you a break, I bet she would have a lovely time and at worst, even if it was a disaster would be the last you would hear on the subject, at best would mean your DD got some lovely memories with her GP.
I just don't get your reasons against and am with Pictish when she says it seems to be all about you.
If it isn't your thing don't go, but let her go. She shouldn't be penalised because neither of you learned to drive!

I mentioned the attitude towards DD being ill as it was said as though she was doing it on purpose and FiL felt we should just be going and doing things even when she wasn't up to it. The whole not taking her to see the chickens because she wasn't eating due to being unwell I didn't agree with. I thought it was relevant to mention? I'm sure most grandparents don't resent their grandchildren not playing or wanting to do things because they're ill? It was like he felt the journey was a waste of time because we weren't going and doing things when she wasn't up to it.

I'm not trying to penalise her whatsoever, I've already conceded I'm being over anxious and if you had read, we are both currently learning to drive. I wasn't trying to make any of this about me, like I said earlier and I'm definitely not trying to control anything. I asked on here for advice because I believe everything that has gone before plus anxiety is clouding my view on things.

I think that none of us know how ill she was. But, attitudes towards illness seem to vary between generations. What was wrong with her?

Telling a peaky kid that they can go and see some chickens if they eat their dinner is normal... eating when you're ill is generally a good idea, no? But kids never do it because they are off their food and don't know, like adults do, that you just have to get it down you to help you get better.

If there is some resentment there, and there were no actual signs of illness, I can understand that your PIL may have been suspicious of the seriousness of the illness.

I co parent my DD with my ex and ever year from when she was 2, he sent her away with his parents during his contact time in the summer. It was so hard to begin with, but the more years that passed, the easier it became. And now I am far less anxious. I think you need to let go. Be happy that your DD's grandparents are prepared to give her the experience of a caravanning holiday that you never would.

I can't think of anything worse to do with my time off, but kids love stuff like that.

Also, should we not let five year olds run down hills without holding their hands??? That was an odd one.

I hope you don't pass on this 'anxiety' to your dc.....but how on earth do you drive? seriously,with this much anxiety how will you pass your test,and then (the real test) drive your family around?

I also wondered about the 'illness'.....your in laws prob just saw her as being a little under the weather....but your anxiety ramped it up to being ill.

Crickey there are some spiteful people on this thread. When my dd was 5 she used to get quite homesick if she went away for more than a night, some children are like that and some aren't. For that reason I would have said no to the caravan trip because I know how unhappy my little girl would be after the first night. Talk to your daughter OP, and see how she feels...does her grandfather upset her with his ways, or is she more than happy around him. Please don't be bullied into sending your daughter on holiday just because some people on here who don't even know her say you should. Trust your instincts and do what is right for your DD.

If you don't want the kids to go say so.

But I have to agree your reasons, at least the ones you've recounted here, are very vague.

I don't think suggesting a weekend to start with is a bad idea, given your anxiety.

I do think you need to think carefully about the relationship between your DC and their grandparents. IME the one my DC has with GP is like gold. And that's because I leave them to sort themselves out. The dynamic changes totally when I'm present, and I'd never ever wreck what they have.

*crikey

You do sound over protective tbh.
Running down a hill is fun when you are little.
Going on holiday-anywhere- even a cramped caravan with grandma and grandpa is fun when you are little.

It seems a bit odd as well that she's stays there at the weekend, at their house, but can't go to the caravan?
If you trust them enough to look after your dd at home, I can't see that you can use the excuse that they are a bit careless, surely then they are careless at home?

You were never going to have a good time in the caravan. 3 small children,- 1 breast feeding, and you obviously didnt want to go in the first place, I bet no one enjoyed it.

But your dd could have had a nice weekend? Unless there are actual reasons for you not wanting her to go, that you haven't mentioned?

seenenough but the op happily lets the very same dd stay over at gp's house....so homesick?? really?

I don't think you're being selfish or overreacting at all OP. Your PiL sound like bullies to me.

Also I have anxiety issues, too, and some posters are making ridiculous comments about that.

Have people missed the part where there PILs live 1 hour away, yet the caravan is 3 hours away? That seems like a pretty big difference to me.

But Seenenoughtoknow if that were the case wouldn't the post have been "I don't want to let her go because she gets incredibly homesick and I know she'd have a horrible time"

It was DD2 who is just over 2 that I was talking about with regards to holding hands. She had quite a high temperature in the early hours of the Saturday morning to Monday evening. We cane home on the Sunday and she was unwell until the Thursday. She woke up crying because she had a tummy ache and vomited in the early hours of the Saturday. She also had a very sore throat and complained it hurt a lot. Calpol seemed to perk her up a little but her temperature began to rise again when it got close to 4 hours between doses. I have an idea of how rough she felt because I caught whatever she had after and it felt like there was glass in my throat. We were trying to get her to eat when FiL made the comment, he didn't need to say what he did. MiL was more understanding and could tell DD1 was ill. I wasn't being overly anxious about her being ill in the slightest. We went to the beach and she tried to enjoy herself but she asked to go back to the caravan to lie down.

The anxiety I developed was after the birth of DD2, coupled with severe PND and in terms of worrying I've not been the same since. I suffered from antenatal depression and anxiety with DS also. Your post HeySoulSister reads to be very dismissive and almost mocking of the anxiety I'm suffering from. No it isn't so bad that I can't drive. With regards to my DD going away and her being safe it can sometimes make me too anxious, this is one of those occasions - I have realised I need to just relax and that she will have fun. I can't believe I'm having to justify how ill DD1 was feeling, like you think I'd make it to be worse than it was. Believe me, I wanted DC to have a good time when we went. I was gutted for her that she was ill and didn't appreciate FiL attitude to it.

Fair enough TFW, but I just think so many people are being very cruel about this poor lady's indecision. Why would anyone be so rude to someone who has anxiety problems? Why is every thread on mumsnet so bloody bitchy these days? It is possible to tell someone you think they are being unreasonable without being so unreasonable in the telling.

OP, if your daughter doesn't get homesick, then are there any other solid reasons you can think of why she shouldn't go? Does she want to go more importantly? If not, don't make her. Best of luck with it, but don't feel pressured into anything.

well does your medication help?

I'm not saying she gets homesick. She enjoys going to both sets of grandparents for the odd weekend here and there. She goes sporadically, not a lot but has fun while she is there. Both sets of grandparents live an hour away. The caravan is 3 hours away and we can't get to her easily if there was a problem, which was adding to my worries a little tantrums. I know it's silly.

I have CBT HeySoulSister and see my GP regularly, due to the antenatal depression and previous PND and will do until DS is 6 months, at which time we will review. My GP recommended CBT as I am breastfeeding and he has said that if I were to start taking medication then he would strongly recommend I stopped breastfeeding before hand, which I would prefer to carry on with while I can.

Sounds like she was really poorly.

I only asked because I am often shocked by how many parents over react about the slightest illness these days. The older generation don't seem so bothered. Could have been an explaination.