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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So tired of being bullied even as the divorce goes through

91 replies

MNHarpy · 30/07/2013 17:35

I'm just exhausted with it all.

Was married to a controlling EA man - I didn't realise it for years, obviously. Discovered MN and left after 15 years. That was 2 years ago. It was very difficult, but I found a new home for me and the DC, and foolishly trusted him when he said he would sort the money side of things out. I was relying on this money appearing quite quickly.

2 years on, I have a court date on Friday, as there was no other way of getting my share of the equity and fair maintenance. Now he is trying to bully me, with phone calls and emails, into taking a smaller settlement than my solicitor says I should get. I'm being called names again and am just sat here feeling totally beaten. I'm tired. I've been struggling to make ends meet for 2 years, worrying every day if I can pay the rent this month. I get benefits, but I won't when settlement happens. He's reported me to benefit people even though I have nothing, he messes about with maintenance money most months, always pays, but likes to make me beg I think.

I'm just so tired. I want it over. If I give in, accept less (I'll have no pension share, for example, and about £15k less in settlement, but it will be enough to cover all the things I planned for) it's over, I don't have to go to court, don't have to see him. But he wins on the bullying again.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 15:10

I think I may go and get a takeaway tonight, my first in months and months

Thank you all for helping me hold out

I will name change after this, as I often give too much personal stuff away, but I'll pay it forward on the boards x

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 15:18

Best of luck. It's not the end of the road yet but now you know you can do it.

MumnGran · 31/07/2013 15:36

I also gave up my right to the pension share.
In hindsight it was a major error on my behalf, because I believed his bullying still, and would probably have got pretty much the same settlement + the pension, if I had gone to court.
However, if your solicitor thinks you have done well....then that's great, and I am really relieved for you. Have been in those tired shoes!

Polyethyl · 31/07/2013 15:39

Congratulations on reaching a settlement. You must have pitched your final offer sensibly.

When I read about pre-court negotiations like these I am reminded of a case called Calderbank v Calderbank ( anyone know that case?) It was a divorce case that must have involved intense pre-court attempts to negotiate. I always wonder what the personal version (as opposed to dry court reporting) would describe it. Probably similar stress and accusations that you have been through.

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 16:12

Incredibly stressful, but ultimately worth it.

There was a poster on here recently that said she just envisioned being away from the grumpy, nasty husband, and just her and her kids in a little cottage somewhere, and that was me a few years ago, and it's all over. I'll cry when I get that cheque. It's not even about the money, its about the OVER.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 16:19

But the cheque will be nice to think about on a winter's night, eh? You earned that money. And the DCs will enjoy both it and the higher maintenance.

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 17:04

I guess I can't count on anything until the judge says yes, but yes.

I can afford school uniform, and to do a few nice things with them in the holidays for the first time in years.

OP posts:

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 31/07/2013 18:21

Yay! WELL DONE! That is excellent news, it really is nearly OVER, so pleased for you.

Enjoy that takeaway tonight, relish every celebratory mouthful

garlicagain · 31/07/2013 20:31

:) :)

Hope Friday goes smoothly - in & out, no sparring.

I bet you feel washed out now! Feet up, eh.

Original poster

MNHarpy · 02/08/2013 21:05

Well it is all over, bar actually getting the money

I barely slept last night, and spent the morning feeling sick and wobbly. Panicked about what to wear, and ended up with a cardigan in 30C

Got to the court, and he didn't even turn up! I was so relieved, but the judge didn't seem impressed. I was introduced to his solicitor. I'm afraid I may have been quite curt with her. She has made my life a bloody misery for the last year.

It then all went really quickly - we went in slightly early, the judge was very businesslike, I'm a bit more confident these days, but I found her a bit terrifying...

But! She, studied the order hard, and said it was a fair settlement! And ordered it paid in 6 weeks! I could have hugged her. Hearing someone completely unbiased say it was fair was the best thing ever, after all the accusations I've heard.

So there we go. Done. I have now. Again. I still feel a bit weird and wobbly, but I'm sure I'll start feeling better tomorrow.

Thank you again MN

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 02/08/2013 21:15

Well done. Put your feet up and enjoy a

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 02/08/2013 21:15

Bloody well done! You will sleep much better tonight

garlicagain · 02/08/2013 21:16

Oh ... WELL ... DONE !!! :) :)

Gonna be a a good weekend!

cozietoesie · 02/08/2013 23:42

Have a great weekend. (And fingers crossed that your money will arrive quickly.)

tightfortime · 02/08/2013 23:51

Oh brilliant !!!!

Am delighted for you, been watching with interest as my own situ is about to head to that messy legal place too. Like you, I want Dc taken care of and OUT for me.

Best of luck with everything for the future, am so pleased for you x

Molly333 · 03/08/2013 00:03

U hv to fight you and yr children need you to do it , I bet when the divorce is through he doesn't bother anymore with you all , it seems to be the abusers pattern . I fought whilst crawling in my knees and he verbally beat me all the way, but I'm so glad I did ! Seven years on he doesn't bother with his kids , pays nothing for them and had to be stopped a using me via text by getting the police involved ! He's still a nasty nasty man , fight fight fight , u must for yr children's needs which will only increase

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