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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So tired of being bullied even as the divorce goes through

91 replies

MNHarpy · 30/07/2013 17:35

I'm just exhausted with it all.

Was married to a controlling EA man - I didn't realise it for years, obviously. Discovered MN and left after 15 years. That was 2 years ago. It was very difficult, but I found a new home for me and the DC, and foolishly trusted him when he said he would sort the money side of things out. I was relying on this money appearing quite quickly.

2 years on, I have a court date on Friday, as there was no other way of getting my share of the equity and fair maintenance. Now he is trying to bully me, with phone calls and emails, into taking a smaller settlement than my solicitor says I should get. I'm being called names again and am just sat here feeling totally beaten. I'm tired. I've been struggling to make ends meet for 2 years, worrying every day if I can pay the rent this month. I get benefits, but I won't when settlement happens. He's reported me to benefit people even though I have nothing, he messes about with maintenance money most months, always pays, but likes to make me beg I think.

I'm just so tired. I want it over. If I give in, accept less (I'll have no pension share, for example, and about £15k less in settlement, but it will be enough to cover all the things I planned for) it's over, I don't have to go to court, don't have to see him. But he wins on the bullying again.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 11:26

By the way, do you have any RL friends or relatives (a strong minded brother for instance) who could be at your side through all this? It can help enormously.

Walkacrossthesand · 31/07/2013 11:35

Is your solicitor trying to keep costs down for you or something? Surely you could give her the responses to the petty points and she puts them into a letter?

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 11:40

Absolutely. I'm inclined to think that she had to be out of the office for a few hours (court date or something) and asked another solicitor to 'deal with a few things' and wires got crossed.

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 11:42

Yes, they are trying to keep costs down, but also, if I send replies to them and they send replies to his sol, then they hang about for ages before they pass the info on to him, delaying and delaying.

I've written now, very simply.

I don't really have anyone, no. My best friend is working all hours at the moment, though she does phone when she can. Family are hopeless.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 11:44

Writing simply to your solicitor is completely fine. I wish more people did when it comes to legal matters.

At least you have your best friend. And your solicitor. And us.

But most importantly you have yourself. You can do this.

Longdistance · 31/07/2013 11:54

You can do this.

Imagine, you'll be free from the bully soon :)

Keep focussing on that.

purplewithred · 31/07/2013 11:56

Grit your teeth. My ex clung on for years like this but eventually it all got sorted, and when he no longer had any financial hold on me the nonsense just melted away.

Time helped too, but so much of it was about control.

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 12:07

would it be the worst thing in the world if I didn't fight for the pension, to have it over tomorrow? I can get my own pension, I have 25 years of work left at least after I qualify.

I'm going round in circles here.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 12:21

MNHarpy

I'm afraid it won't just be the pension though. Remember, this is going to set the scene for the next few years of unavoidable dealings - over the DCs. If you give in now, then he knows that he can just niggle and threaten you to his benefit - and the likelihood is that he'll try it again.

I'm sorry but you have to be tough right here and right now. I feel for you because you must just be so tired and I know what that's like.

Just keep repeating to yourself - 'Its my money!' (Well 'our money' - yours and the DCs.)

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 12:55

Maybe I'll just shut everything off til court. He has had 2 years to come up with something and avoid it, and he hasn't. This last gasp 'negotiating' is just bullying, isn't it.

I'm not thinking clearly at all. I am still thinking he is not doing it on purpose, it's just how he does things. I don't suppose it matters.

OP posts:

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 13:02

these ridiculous last minute 'negotiations' are getting me nowhere, are they? I'm going to have to go to court. Damn.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 13:05

Yes - it's bullying. And you're moving beyond that now.

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 13:08

You've lost so much of your confidence in yourself after all these years living under the thumb with him. You'll get it back. It's just difficult that you have to do that at the same time - and through the process - of splitting up.

Just keep thinking of how good it's going to be once you're through and on the other side.

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 13:53

I've called a halt to everything. Was getting nowhere and I was feeling awful. Court it is, and the judge can decide. I don't feel in a position to decide what's right, and that's what I'm paying the solicitor for.

I feel utterly done in.

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 31/07/2013 13:59

If your solicitor has set out a reasonable proposal , and he has refused it (we can't know whether it's with or against his solicitors advice, can we) then it has to be court. There's still the possibility that, when he realises you're not going to back down, he'll change his tune and agree your proposal - he doesn't really want court fees either. Either way, stay strong!

Mumsnut · 31/07/2013 14:07

I admire you - your kids are very lucky to have you. Well done and try to switch your mind off xx

ratbagcatbag · 31/07/2013 14:07

Big hugs. Please don't give in, a friend once did that and bitterly regretted it as he was still smirking and knowing he could bully her. :(

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 14:25

Yes - big hugs. Be prepared for some wheedling, however, once he hears that you're going for court. When he feels that the bullying hasn't worked, he could very well go for the 'But MNHarpy, we were so close to getting it sorted - think of the kids.' And then you're back to another 2 years of the sort of stuff you've been going through. Just be warned - and don't respond to it if you get it. It will just be another tactic anyway.

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 14:28

It's so frustrating. I don't think it's even about the money, it's about getting the last bloody word.

The negotiations have literally been about tiny differences in the scheme of things, but he refuses to agree to anything I suggest just for the sake of it.

My solicitor has put forward a final offer now. It's the last chance, I know I could get more in court, probably, but it would take forever, and cost as much more as I would get, probably. Still, if he rejects this then court it is.

I WISH I could switch it off, for all the trying it's not working.

OP posts:

garlicagain · 31/07/2013 14:35

If nothing else, this REALLY shows why divorce is the right thing! What a cunt. Rely on due process to force him to be decent, as he won't by himself, and keep in mind that due process will help you take care of his kids, the twat. Thinking about your kids, why not start a 'future board'? It's a big noticeboard that you pin your aspirations to - a useful psychological & emotional tool for you, and can generate loads of fab conversations with the DC :)

zipzap · 31/07/2013 14:35

And just remember to point out to him every time that he tells you that you are money grabbing or whatever bad thing he thinks of that time, that actually it is him that is money grabbing as he is the one that wants you to have less than the fair share that you should do and in doing so he is the one that is being moneygrabbing for wanting more than his fair share - and in doing so, depriving his children of things like their swimming lessons (which are nice to haves but also an important safety thing to have learnt to do), it's not money that you're taking to just fritter away on nothing!

keep strong and let your solicitor help you. You can see that he is bullying you to be selfish and keep as much money as he can for himself. It's hard but you've managed to keep going for so long - there's not much longer to go now.

MumnGran · 31/07/2013 14:36

so glad you have called a halt, and taken the right course of not settling anything until the judge decides. Do make sure your solicitor knows about the latest threats and bullying though, won't you.
This is an abuser desperately hanging on to perceived (but non-existent) power) and when one has been subject to the bullying for years, it is very hard not to succumb....even after 2 years. You have done amazingly well to stand your ground. He is attempting one last ditch grab at domination, before someone takes all those decisions from his hands...... permanently.

Believe, in your soul, that the only power he now has is the power you allow him! Truly. It took me 5 years to reach that understanding, but it was true from the time I walked free. You are so close to the finish line, OP.

Whatever happens, the only response you should give him is "tell it to my solicitor"
I hope Friday goes well.

Original poster

MNHarpy · 31/07/2013 14:53

OMG. He has agreed to the higher figure (no pension share, but with the higher figure that is FINE), and the highest figure in maintenance.

Still have to go to court to get it stamped by judge, but it should all be done in 6 weeks.

Can't quite believe it.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 31/07/2013 15:06

His solicitor probably got tired of the situation. And it's because you held out.

I hope you have a bottle of champagne on ice - or some equivalent.

zipzap · 31/07/2013 15:06

Congratulations!

Fingers crossed it all goes through smoothly for you and he pays everything he is supposed to, on time and without any bullying from here on forwards.

Today really is taking you a great big leap into your new happy future!

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