Just can't make him happy

[lonelywife]

Long time lurker here, hoping for some clarity and not sure where to start.

Married for 3 years, together for 7, 2 dc 2 and 8 (from my prev relationship). Went to relate for over 6 months, things haven't changed. No extra maritals or anything dramatic, we just can't make each other happy.

Sometimes I look at other couples laughing and joking together just being natural around each other, poking fun etc and it makes me feel utterly heartbroken to know I'll never have that. DH is very straight laced and cynical, I find it difficult to be myself around him. He's very uncomfortable in himself and anti social, I am very outgoing, never find it hard to talk to new people. He won't talk in public, like he's in commuter mode permanently, scared someone might look at us.

Our weekends are always ruined by his moods, a simple 'are you ready to leave?' when we go anywhere causes an epic sulk and he says he's being picked on, behaves like Kevin the Teenager basically. Constantly moaning at the kids to be quiet (they aren't badly behaved, just normal happy, excitable children). He talks to me like I'm an irritating work colleague most of the time, conversation is a struggle. We have no mutual friends and he won't come out with my friends. He doesn't do anything around the house at all although I can't really complain about that too much because although I'm not quite Waynetta Slob, I'm no Martha Stewart either. He tells me I'm beautiful a lot but we have sex probably less than 10 times a year. He doesn't seem bothered at all. Its awkward and I've stopped seeing myself as someone that anyone might find attractive ever.

He resents that I can't earn as much as he does, hates that he's the 'breadwinner', hates his job, hates the responsibility and no matter how many times I explain that working daytimes would mean I'd earn less because of the childcare costs, he doesn't seem to get it, just thinks its unfair and brings it up time and time again. He hates that I love my job. But then he says that he loves and wants his family more than anything.

We've talked about things a lot but not much changes, we need to move but that won't happen for a year or two. I'm so confused.

This weekend, I was trying to talk to him, just chit chat, we were in town, he just walked off pushing the pram ahead while I was halfway through saying something. He does that a lot but for some reason, this time it just upset me so much.

Despite all of this, he's a good man, he loves the kids, he loves me in his own way. I feel like I'm living half a life.

He's not really like it with anyone else as far as I know, his family know he's sulky but he wouldn't just walk off and ignore anyone else.

Relationship with eldest dc is pretty good until the weekend when he doesn't want to be around any of us (but doesn't want to get dressed, open the curtains or go out anywhere either) then he just moans at dc to be quiet all the time.

"Saying 'I'd be happy if we reverted to a situation that is impossible to achieve' is effectively saying 'I'll never be happy'."

I actually don't know how that's not occurred to me before cogito, I've been worrying so much about what we could do to get babysitters, how I can earn more money etc so that we can have that time back but I've actually missed the point. I don't think it was the 'dating' aspect of it that he misses, I think it's the lack of responsibility.

my stbxh used to hark back to our time when we lived in London (we left at the point when we were just about to have our first child, the two are not disconnected) and speak very nostalgicly about it in front of friends, and smile at me and try to get me to hark back with him. Instead I used to find it made me very uncomfortable, inside I would be imploring "what the frickin hell is so awful about our life now, with our lovely home and beautiful children and fab friends?" As Cogito says, there is no answer to that question.

Wouldn't we all like a life with zero responsibility? But we're (mostly) grown-ups, we live in the real world and, unless we land the lottery or something, we realise that means making choices, making sacrifices and pulling our weight.

What I suppose I'm sensitised to is the 'unwinnable argument' and the 'unreasonable demand' tactic of the emotional abuser or the psychological bully. They often claim to be unhappy with the status quo but set the bar for their happiness so high or so unrealistically (or benchmarked to some unachievable point in the past) that you - the 'victim' - waste a lot of effort trying to make the impossible happen and, as a result, think you are a) a failure as a partner and b) responsible for their unhappiness..

I get the impression that, even if you told him right now to hand in his resignation because you were going to shoulder all the responsibility of running the family in future.... he would then find something new to complain about. That's what I mean about motivation.

Totally agree cogito

Its hard to hear all this I imagine OP but take heed

I have been in similar shoes to you and am a lot happier barefoot !

It is. I don't know what I was expecting - maybe 'try counselling again' or something, I so grateful for every response I've had here, really I am but it's not easy to wrap my head around.

Well just take your time theres no time scale

Just try not to shy away and bury it though because he is not going to change. No way.

You sounds like a basically optimistic person, he sounds like a cynic. He's sucking the life force from youand the relationship. I was with a cynic and remember looking at other couples and thinking why can't we be happy like that? You say you can't talk normally with each other. When you get to that stage I think its time to get out. However your circumstances might change in the future, different jobs, homes, etc, he'll be the same. I don't think he'll ever be able to give you what you need and deserve.

Try counselling again, but for yourself. You've outlined a few reasons why you're still in the relationship and even you don't sound too convinced by them. A counsellor might help you sort your thoughts.

Nobody in any relationship should be 'moody' on a long term basis. I really feel for you, OP. It's not a good relationship for you and it's not a good model for your DCs. I'm sorry.

It's not surprising that you ended up with this knob after a previous abusive relationship. Not blaming you in the least, but when a woman has had a violent partner, her boundaries and standards are fucked, so she very often ends up with a self-obsessed whinyarse instead, and spends a long time telling herself that he's not as bad as the violent one, so it must be her fault the relationship's wrong. Thing is, men like the one you've got are basically egos on sticks. A relationship with a man like this is All About Him; his needs, his moods, his blaming you for his own inadequacies, and such a man seeks out a woman who is vulnerable and whose standards are artificially low.

I'm fairly new to posting on this site, not entirely sure how it all works. Is it possible to find other people's past threads? Without wanting to sound a bit stalky I've come across a few people who've said they've been through similar things, I think it might help to see other similar stories if you know what I mean.

Going back to for a few sessions of counselling on my own sounds sensible too, I just need to sort through my thoughts a bit. We've been making plans, I can see a future together, I just don't know if it is a happy one.

Not exactly the same (of course), but if you want mine, it's here

Otherwise you can search by poster, but that can take ages. Stalk away!

Thank you for sharing that, it's so recent for you, I can't believe how strong you are already. x

I'm not really, though, yesterday messed with my head, as per here

it is a messy business.

I've been reading this thread over and over (obsessive much?!) and this jumped out at me
"You sounds like a basically optimistic person, he sounds like a cynic. He's sucking the life force from you and the relationship."

We've been making more of an effort with the nice evenings to sit outside and spend time together like little date nights, just chatting or trying to. When I try and talk about things I want to do, things I like etc he will always point out how unrealistic they are to put a lid on it so to speak, he says that he feels awful like he's always the one crushing my dreams but that he has to make me understand what is realistic and what we can afford, I'm not talking about things like me asking to go on holidays, I never really ask for anything expensive or otherwise but he uses it as an opportunity to remind me that he's paying for everything. Mostly it's just me trying to talk generally like 'wouldn't it be amazing to go there, do that etc' personal goals etc everyone does that don't they?

Last time, I tried to ask him just for conversation's sake if there was anything he would like to do, anything in the world, could be something that he thought I wouldn't like but it didn't matter, would he want to go skydiving, go to a museum, go to a certain place, anything He went really weird, said there was nothing he could think of and there is no way he would ever suggest doing anything that he thought I wouldn't like, wouldn't even ask me first to find out, I said that was ridiculous and how could he ever be happy if he couldn't do that, he said I was causing an argument, to leave him alone, stop digging at him.

That's strange isn't it?! It's not just me?

It is strange. Relationships should allow personal growth and be a journey. He sounds as though he is 'stuck'

Yes, very strange.

We talked earlier this week about a few things, I used last weekend's moods and the last time he walked off when I was saying something as an example of how its impacting us all. He got so upset, it was awful. Cried like the world was ending saying how unhappy he was at work, I don't understand how bad it is etc and that he feels like he leaves one set of problems at work and comes home to another set.

I asked why - he comes home to kids that are happy, bathed, ready for bed, the house isn't perfect but I don't expect him to do anything, his dinner is made and I go out to work leaving him in peace for a few hours (which is doesn't complain about so presumably he enjoys the time alone). I don't really question anything, make demands or cause arguments. I really can't understand the problem.

I have baggage, as I mentioned, things have been bad with eldest's father but that's not so much of an issue these days with court orders and limited contact between me and him, he said that he walked away because I mentioned something about an email I'd got from ex while eldest was there and didn't like that I was going to reply to it, seemed too pally and he felt disgusted apparently.

Says he's looking for another job but didn't want to take a day off to contact agencies etc.

Its really hit me how big the problems are and I'm not sure he really understands. He just feels sorry for himself and says he didn't realise how miserable he was making everyone, that everything he does is for nothing.

I'm going to keep busy with the kids this weekend and see if he decides to join in with us and make an effort. I also think I'm going to make an appointment at the drs for him and make him go, I think he's depressed and that's got to be the first step but it just seems so much harder now I've realised how much of this really isn't normal and how much I've slipped compared to how in control (cleaning, routines, taking care of myself etc) I was when I was on my own, bit of a scary realisation to be honest.

Well done. You are moving forward in baby steps - that's excellent.

He needs to learn to communicate like an adult. Fair enough he's entitled to an opinion re the email, but walking off is a rubbish and disrespectful way of showing it.

When you asked him why he feels home is 'another set of problems' what did he say?

Yes he is depressed, by the sounds of it. But be warned, staying in 'victim mode' will ultimately reinforce his behaviour (entitlement to detachment, poor communication, moods). I have been there (gave hubby an ultimatum three yrs ago re his moods, he got antidepressants, but he never broke out of victim mode or became empowered enough to change). Please don't make a GP appt for him. He is an adult. If he's serious about moving forward himself he will surely pick up the phone. If he's managing to function at work then he is not too sick to call the GP.

This really isn't normal and how much I've slipped compared to how in control (cleaning, routines, taking care of myself etc) I was when I was on my own, bit of a scary realisation to be honest.

This is very important.

I could have written that post OP

Sorry you're going through the same bumpers, where are you at the moment with it all?

This weekend was a strange one. I've reached the point where I need to see if there is any willing there on his side so I decided to stop waiting for him to take the initiative, or get involved and start remembering how I was before and what I would have done and decided to just do that. I got myself ready and did all the jobs that needed doing, I scrubbed the house from top to bottom, I made plans for things to do with the kids, spent less time online and basically pleased myself and the strangest thing happened.

He actually got up, got dressed and helped. What a shocker!

On saturday, he went to the shop without being asked, he took the kids out for a long walk when he saw that little one was getting tired, he helped with bath times, he sat with us at the table for dinner (we don't usually I just decided that that would be what I would do if he wasn't here), he helped me to clean the living room, he played with the kids and gave them lots of time while I was getting on with things. On sunday he got up and got ready again, the kids went out with my parents and I carried on with The Big Clean while he studied all day.

I'm certain it won't last but at least there was some involvement. It felt like the first time in years that we had functioned as a normal family. I asked him if he felt any better for it and he said yeah he supposed so but that he hasn't got the patience I have. I haven't been affectionate towards him because I just don't feel like it and I'm just no longer willing to pretend or hide my feelings to make anyone else happy. So I'm not sure if he's just going along with all this for as long as it takes to get me 'back on side'.

I haven't made a dr's appointment for him, will see if he does it.

For me, this feels like a massive shift in my attitude to how I'm willing to live, now it's time to see if it makes any difference.

I am glad that you had a positive day, sounds great.

But, make sure that it is not just your energy carrying things along - if you wanted or needed to have a 'slow' day then he should be able to lead too.

PS. Criticism not cynicism is the issue here, but a lot of your posts resonated with me.

I don't know where I am with it all tbh, it's all so confusing. Just so much of what you said rang true for me as well. Weekends are awkward and full of unspoken tension, he expects me to make decisions on everything so that if the weekend doesn't turn out well it will be my fault.

He doesn't chat much, walks 10 paces ahead of me when we're out, no physical contact like hand holding etc. he has expectations of me now that I'm a sahm, (eg ironing shirts - big deal that there wasn't a clean shirt for monday, ironed 3 yesterday but they werent the 'right ones' so he ironed another one himself this morning). Cannot seem to get it right.

he seems to think I lead the life of Riley at home whilst he's slaving away at work. I try to do nice things for him but he seems to just brush them aside. I don't know what I like to do for fun anymore and feel like my life is muted when he's around. But what's the alternative? Will I be happier out of this? Maybe I am just a miserable person who is actually hard to live with - I'm only happy when I'm moaning, apparently.

Jeez, wrote more than I expected to there, was good to put it on paper iyswim (im not meaning to hijack your thread OP)

how's things with you?